How deep is this hole? Astris and Thea make some new friends and fight a horrific foe.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. If you've already listened to the episodes before this, please feel free to skip this and go right to the action. But if you're just tuning into the podcast, I'm here to give you a recap on our four play episodes.
Cap:
[0:22] Our story begins in the town of Haven in the north. It's one of several towns under the control of the Covenant of Purity, a religious organization that has brought order to these lawless and wild lands. Our main characters are Thea, the town's flashy and lascivious bard, and one of only two local tieflings, and Astris, a half-elf and an overly disciplined town guard trapped in a chastity thong from when she was a squire with the Covenant. The two of them find their lives entwined on the day the great bronze dragon Glasswing flies over town, heralding the coming of spring. Astris takes it upon herself to act as Thea's guard as the events of the day become more and more strange. Thea and her friend Drusilla, the only other tiefling in town, convince Astris to let loose and have fun at the celebration parties that night. Their night is full of surprises. They ingest a drug called pink, investigate a house fire, flirt with a handsome some huntsmen and party the night away. Things don't calm down the next day as Thea barely has to convince Astris to play hooky from work. This act escalates into Astris quitting her job and robbing the guard blind, donning a paladin's armor and assuming their identity. She shows up to Thea's house with a cart and two horses, and the two of them soon realize this deception won't last long.
Cap:
[1:46] Astris will have to take that helmet off someday. They flee town with the help of the handsome huntsman Gilthaniel and head north into the Feylands.
Cap:
[1:56] Thea's investigating the increasingly strange voices and gifts she's been hearing and receiving, guided by a jade idol of the fairy lord Oberon, which she was compelled to buy from the traveling merchant Jangling Step. They travel through the bizarre and dreamlike Fey Realm before they are set upon by a pack of kobolds. Ashtoreth rushes to defend Thea, but before the kobolds can even and lay a hand on our twilight bard, a massive bronze dragon descends from the sky.
Cap:
[2:27] Astras and Thea try to run, but the fear is too strong, and they trip over each other, over and over and over again. The dragon lands, with our girls clutching each other in fear, before transforming into a beautiful bronze-skinned elven woman. It's no other than Glasswing herself, and those were her her kobolds. When they apologize and explain that it was all in self-defense, Glasswing gives them one of her scales as a token of safe passage through the mountain caverns they now find themselves needing to traverse. And now, my dear listener, you are caught up to date on our tomfoolery. I hope you enjoy the rest of the episode, and I'll see you again at the end.
Dylan:
[3:26] So when we last left off you were journeying into what you now know is called the bound heart or the realm of the bound heart the land of the fey uh gil thaniel took you as far north as he could and dropped you off and left you at a three-way intersection in which you chose the center path towards the mountains. You found yourself wandering amongst shifting biomes and started to just walk towards where it was nicer, you know. It seemed to be more lush and more beautiful, and the more lush and beautiful it became, the further you went. and you came across a beautiful crescent-shaped waterfall area leading down into misty beauty with a vivid rainbow. On your way down, swirling down along the cliffside, you nearly got ambushed by kobolds and fought them back. Easy, easy match for these creatures. We're then, uh...
Crit:
[4:43] Hot girl shit.
Cap:
[4:44] Hot girl shit.
Dylan:
[4:46] But then Glasswing came, and Glasswing swooped down upon you and tried as you might to pull each other out of the ground and help each other make it to the crag before Glasswing could get you. Oh, we tried so hard.
Crit:
[5:00] Oh my god.
Dylan:
[5:02] And transformed and had a conversation with you.
Crit:
[5:06] She was the hot girl.
Cap:
[5:07] She was the hot girl.
Dylan:
[5:09] Yeah. And she seemed rather nice. She wanted to know why you're killing all of her kobolds because they bring her money. She likes that. You know, you let her know it was a misunderstanding. And she gave you a scale, one of her scales that should give you a safe passage with the kobolds through the crag. After that, she left you, transforming back into her dragon form self from the wood elf she was, flies off, and you guys venture into the crag.
Cap:
[5:50] Did a door let close behind us?
Crit:
[5:53] No.
Cap:
[5:53] Are we trapped in the crag?
Dylan:
[5:55] No, not yet. Where's my shit? You're still looking into the crag, coming in from outside. side and yeah you guys are probably talking now um about what just happened maybe your horses in your cart and what may lay before you so.
Crit:
[6:14] We were able to get the horses and the cart through the crag.
Dylan:
[6:17] Oh no the horses in the cart they fucked off they're um they ran further down towards where the base of the waterfall oh okay sorry.
Crit:
[6:26] Yeah you said horses in cart and i was like oh they're there They're there, too?
Cap:
[6:31] Blastwing brought them back like a true fucking girl pal.
Dylan:
[6:34] Things you might be talking about.
Crit:
[6:37] Got you. I see. Okay, so they're gone. Bummer.
Cap:
[6:40] Yeah. Oh, my God.
Crit:
[6:43] Well, they're probably used to that, so. Oh, I was just a little worried about the horses.
Cap:
[6:49] Yeah. Well, I don't know how long it'll be before my legs work well again. in.
Crit:
[6:58] Yeah, wow.
Cap:
[7:01] Um, uh, she's, we're fucking, whew, alright. Um, so we're, like, at the precipice of the outside and this craggy hole. Um, if I look into the craggy hole, um, how... I mean, I understand that it'll probably get fucky because it's the inside of a mountain and, like, fuck caves. But, like, does it seem like it would be possible to get the horses through it if we took them off the cart?
Dylan:
[7:29] Well, let's just give you an idea of where you guys are right now. So, think of, like, a big sinkhole in a rainforest. And when you came up to this sinkhole, you know, you were about a quarter of the way down. and you saw waterfalls coming from the top, and you couldn't see towards the bottom, but there was a path that kind of spiraled down the sinkhole along the wall. Right as you started to go down the spiral, there's little branching terraces as you descend, and one of these terraces had the kobolds and the crag, keeping you at a higher elevation. this crag is you know there's a good 50 foot by 30 foot ledge at its widest leading up to the crag and the opening is about 25 30 feet high and i want to say 20 feet wide at the base but the problem is is that the horses and cart kept running down that spiral path towards the bottom and you went level so if you wanted to go down the path and try to get the horses before you went up there it might be kind of a pain to get them in there though we.
Crit:
[8:50] Were directed to go into the crag as a safe passage through correct okay yeah.
Cap:
[8:58] With the the scale as a the.
Crit:
[9:00] Don't fuck with us token. I think we're just going to have to trust that the horses...
Cap:
[9:06] I think so.
Crit:
[9:09] Maybe. Find somewhere safe as prey animals are wont to do.
Cap:
[9:14] Prey animals. Oh, my instruments. Everything but my loot, my sheet music, all of my clothes, everything we just bought.
Dylan:
[9:25] I think you have your instrument because you're in combat.
Cap:
[9:30] About i have my loot but i have like i have like two other instruments that are not on me so like i don't know that's like that's a hard thing for her to walk away from i feel like but like also it seems like a pain in the ass um whatever fuck it let's just go let's go in the thing let's just go the.
Crit:
[9:48] Oh gosh what was her name um glasswing glasswing said that, Everything here is your new friend's domain, right?
Cap:
[10:01] Tech, technically, yeah.
Crit:
[10:02] Like, ultimately, you know? So maybe he'll, like, look out for you. It probably smells good, like you.
Cap:
[10:08] Well, if it is who everyone says this is, I don't know if I'll really need to worry about money, clothes, or instruments.
Crit:
[10:17] Yeah, okay. That's a good way to think about it.
Cap:
[10:19] Goodbye, my old things. I'm going to have to rewrite all of that sheet music. God damn.
Crit:
[10:25] Oh, damn.
Dylan:
[10:26] Well, you're feeling pretty bummed out about that. Making the decision to walk into the crag instead of falling the horses down. But Asteris seems a bit more positive. So, yeah, as I said before, in the last session, you were looking down into this gloom with blues and purples and yellow lights in in this less mist and more gloom some of the lights are what seem to be hanging in midair or on the tips of columns and there's thousands of small ones that litter the ground all over the place lights like lights in mist you can't really tell what their source is willow wispy they don't vibes okay.
Cap:
[11:14] So more stationary like.
Dylan:
[11:16] Yeah moats yeah oh yes looking moat like yeah but some are very large and very high up and you know scattered shapes and sizes that's.
Cap:
[11:27] Good at least there's at least there's light i'm glad we can see i.
Crit:
[11:30] Mean someone's taking care of this place so.
Cap:
[11:32] Yeah so hopefully that means the paths are well kept yeah.
Dylan:
[11:36] You're hearing the pattering of the you know last of the kobolds that ran away you know their footsteps pattering and little squeaky noises rats almost just talking to each other in their language and just running as fast as they can but otherwise silence follows the echoes and you've decided to continue on and you make your way in. About 30 feet in, the mist starts to creep up to, or you start creeping up upon the mist. It swirls around your ankles as you make your way through it. It only disturbs the mist for a second or two before it lies flat and undisturbed again. The light from the outside turns more orange like a sunset the further you go and the hole in which you came in seems to just rise away into the sky, into nothingness.
Crit:
[12:42] Places vibes and.
Dylan:
[12:44] Now looking up you see lights above you and these ones look more vine-like you know outlining uh stalactites the crystals that would form on on the outside has a light quality within um yeah and this the ceiling or the whatever's above you looks reminiscent of a night sky i.
Cap:
[13:10] Was gonna say do they look like stars.
Dylan:
[13:12] Yeah they do uh just many more stars in clump-like constellations and patterns ah.
Cap:
[13:21] The cookie the frying pan the dough ball.
Dylan:
[13:25] I know.
Cap:
[13:26] These constellations well the.
Dylan:
[13:27] Claw the cockatballs yeah so you keep uh venturing further as the mist climbs a bit higher on your legs as you go further into the descent everything seems pretty still and quiet but a little too quiet now if you'd like you can make a perception or an insight check.
Cap:
[13:54] That's good okay um uh 21 oh 16.
Dylan:
[13:59] Nice all right um you both realize at the same time that the kobold stopped running away once they got a certain depth and seemed to be like hiding and watching um there's too many hiding spots to count it's dark you can see pretty well as you You both have dark vision. But again, this is an unfamiliar environment in many, many ways. The shadows aren't really working how they should. The mist isn't working how it should. You do know that you're being watched. And every once in a while, you might see one, a kobold, poke its little head up and then chitter or something.
Crit:
[14:40] I mean, not cute in character, but out of character. That sounds adorable. For real. Yeah. You've got your, you got that thing she gave you? The scale?
Cap:
[14:51] Oh, yeah. Yes, I have the scale. The only things I have on me are the scale, the idol, and my clothes.
Dylan:
[14:59] Nice. You got more than that on you.
Cap:
[15:02] Do I? Okay.
Crit:
[15:04] Tits and ass.
Dylan:
[15:05] That's right.
Cap:
[15:05] That's true.
Dylan:
[15:06] Fall in that wagon.
Cap:
[15:09] Okay, I've got this wagon.
Dylan:
[15:12] The wagon that comes with it.
Crit:
[15:12] The wagon.
Dylan:
[15:13] That's right. Don't need a horse for that one.
Cap:
[15:16] I don't know. Well.
Crit:
[15:18] What the hell?
Dylan:
[15:21] Okay so do you pull the you pull the scale out um.
Cap:
[15:25] Yeah i i she'll probably like walk around carrying it almost almost almost like a fucking crucifix.
Dylan:
[15:32] Like right okay yeah yeah you've got it in front of you like a crucifix um yeah light that thing up when you're like oh yeah yeah and she like pulls it out and like holds out in front of her um you hear kind of like a, from all around you the clock right and um they you see their heads poke up and they you know they're chittering to each other and uh you hear them start to like say a word or a name or something and it gets a little bit louder like a wave and they're chanting it and you realize it's, raul raul raul but they're not saying it cool like i say it they're like, um i.
Cap:
[16:20] Don't want oh i don't want to meet raul raul fuck.
Dylan:
[16:23] Off oh no so you guys keep walking with this because they're not really like coming out to greet you but they're just making noise and chanting the name raul okay.
Cap:
[16:32] I mean i i guess i don't know if stop would stopping do us any good.
Dylan:
[16:37] I mean Like Maybe Probably.
Cap:
[16:39] Just push on.
Crit:
[16:40] Yeah Or We're just trying to get through Right so.
Dylan:
[16:43] Yeah so you keep, Keep pushing on.
Crit:
[16:47] Like, I don't want to like push anybody aside or anything, but you know, just kind of like cautiously.
Cap:
[16:54] They're not like coming up to me.
Dylan:
[16:56] No, no, no. Oh, okay.
Cap:
[16:57] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dylan:
[16:57] You know, peeking around.
Crit:
[16:59] Yeah, I'm not knocking over anybody's cabbage carts or anything.
Dylan:
[17:02] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, you guys have to make kind of a steep descent here for a little bit as it gets deeper, but you get close to the light snow, which you see are mushrooms of all different kinds. shapes sizes and they're producing light on the mushroom caps and as you start walking more into this valley is.
Crit:
[17:28] It a mist or is it just spores that we've been breathing and.
Dylan:
[17:32] As you looked around at these mushrooms you see they're they're very much like coral um almost underwater creatures and they They are, some of them pumping this mist out, like it's breathing the air and pumping out mist. It's undulating.
Cap:
[17:52] Got their own little ecosystem here.
Crit:
[17:55] Cool. Yeah.
Dylan:
[17:56] Yeah, I forgot about that. You're both dead now. Jeez.
Crit:
[18:01] I really should have considered that. Oh, shit. The implications.
Dylan:
[18:05] I really can't be in a place like this.
Cap:
[18:07] Oh, well, that's it, everyone. Thank you for tuning in to our shitty, shitty adventure.
Crit:
[18:12] The end.
Dylan:
[18:13] Yeah, welcome to Dungeons and Dragons of Darkness. As you're taking this in and you're able to see more of the landscape that you're in.
Dylan:
[18:23] You hear the chants, Raoul, Raoul, Raoul, and they're coming from behind you and around you. And then finally you hear this big clang, something striking metal. Raoul. and they all go silent. Up, out, 50 feet up, far away, you see a figure with torches. You can barely make out. It leaps from where it is. It looks like it's sliding or gliding or something, but as it goes, its torches are igniting a line of torches along the wall, which then spiderwebs out to other torches igniting and lighting the room in an orange glow as this creature instead of landing on the ground seems to just fall out of sight and then bound back up another 30 feet towards you and then as it falls you see it lands on a mushroom and bounces again and it does this is coming closer and closer to you, bouncing on mushrooms smaller and back and forth across until it does one final bounce and does a triple front flip. Rolling and landing in front of you with blades to either side and its head bowed.
Dylan:
[19:44] And it stands and it looks like a male figure. And he whips his blades around, sees you see his eyes, reptilian, like a kobold, but about five foot six muscular. And you don't see much his face is covered in this cowl and he has a half cape, but he's well oiled and muscular underneath. Yeah. He sees the scale you hold before you, and he flips his knives in the air and then sheathes them dramatically in a flourish. And he says, I am Raoul.
Cap:
[20:30] Well, hello.
Dylan:
[20:31] You hold the scale?
Cap:
[20:33] Yes, we do.
Dylan:
[20:34] You are the chosen. You've come to help.
Cap:
[20:38] Help with what, Sir Raoul?
Dylan:
[20:42] You do not know.
Cap:
[20:43] We have been told little.
Dylan:
[20:45] Ah yes little time deed come come you are savior i.
Crit:
[20:49] I want to bow to raul and like i see you are also a student of a blade.
Cap:
[20:54] Can i can i insight check this guy yeah.
Dylan:
[20:58] What are you what are you trying to read on him oh my god.
Cap:
[21:00] Asterisk no insight massive.
Crit:
[21:02] Respect for raul just i'm sorry Raul's so cool the best.
Cap:
[21:08] I I would like to suss if um at least if he like if if he's being honest or if he's just like fucking with the obvious people who don't go here oh.
Dylan:
[21:21] Um you can roll for it but he he I'm not going to be rolling against you he seems.
Cap:
[21:26] Pretty honest okay okay but But all right, so Raul seems like he's on the level and asking us for shit.
Dylan:
[21:38] Well, he waves you over to a little area off to the left where there's, it looks like a fairy circle of mushrooms where you can sit. Please come sit. Let's discuss.
Cap:
[21:51] All right, I'll sit down.
Crit:
[21:53] How do you do that? You gotta show me how you do that. jumping and the bouncing and the that was amazing that was quite impressive i i'm very impressed.
Dylan:
[22:07] Raised in the caves you learn to use your environment to your advantage only my master may he rest in peace could best me at the mushroom jumping but.
Crit:
[22:20] Your master your master has died i'm so sorry.
Dylan:
[22:24] Yes it was a long time ago it's not important what's important Important now is all of our treasures. They've been taken. They were meant for Glasswing. They've been taken, taken deep into this crag.
Cap:
[22:37] Oh no!
Dylan:
[22:39] Yes, the base of the waterfalls is a dangerous place. A once beautiful area, now taken over by a twisted mockery of a dragon. I do not want Glasswing to know we've let this territory get out of our control. Please. I thought she knew and sent you in here to fix the problems, but... Maybe we could take care of this without her ever knowing.
Cap:
[23:02] You have my utmost silence on the matter. I assure you.
Dylan:
[23:12] All right, are you lying?
Cap:
[23:15] No, I'm not going to say shit. This is not my fucking problem.
Crit:
[23:20] Chelsea didn't say she was going to do shit.
Dylan:
[23:23] Yeah, so if you help me, we could kill this creature and retrieve everything we have lost so that we may please Glasswing.
Cap:
[23:37] Okay. You said the creature was some sort of twisted, evil, dragon-like creature?
Dylan:
[23:44] Creature yes like a like a man but a dragon but like a monster more a bad a big monster man, dragon.
Crit:
[23:59] Well that clears it right up all right and um um.
Dylan:
[24:05] Hey i'm happy you see i am the most intelligent of my clan.
Crit:
[24:11] Wait he is your arrival.
Dylan:
[24:13] Yeah he is a cobalt big cobalt he's a medium-sized cobalt wow.
Cap:
[24:18] But he's hot yeah.
Dylan:
[24:20] He's hot yeah um one thing actually thea i'll roll that roll that inside smitten.
Cap:
[24:27] Get it come to rip that fucking thing right off your ass oh oh no um, That is an 11.
Dylan:
[24:43] 11, good enough. So he's got a helmet that he had on him. He wasn't wearing it when he made his entrance, but when he sat down, he set it down next to him. And it's got like goat horns on it or something, but it's in pretty similar shape to your horns. And you're looking at it like, huh, that's kind of cool. and you're looking around you like you see that his tail or not his tail you see that he's got a he has a whip too just like all the other ones and the whip has a spade on the end and you're looking at his skin color and it's strikingly similar to yours and you can't help but think of uh bone jaw freaking out on you and why he might uh dislike you oh.
Cap:
[25:34] My god shut up this bitch this bitch is the reason that dog wouldn't let me get it, you uh.
Dylan:
[25:53] Yeah you're like unpredictable you're like wow he is hot he's super hot huh.
Cap:
[26:02] She doesn't have time to process that. We're just going to file that away and go.
Dylan:
[26:06] Okay. Yeah, so... Like, okay. Let that one go.
Cap:
[26:13] Water off a duck's back.
Dylan:
[26:15] Yeah, he just got finished telling you how he was the most accomplished kobold in his clan. He is begging to bring you down to this lair of the dragon monster man so that you guys can help kill him.
Crit:
[26:33] I mean, my nature, I can't turn this down, but I'm looking at the, like, I already got out of that town. That was my whole goal. So, like.
Dylan:
[26:41] It's.
Crit:
[26:42] Up to you.
Dylan:
[26:43] Yeah Raoul says to Asteris you know you could most likely learn to do the mushroom jumping but not in that armor I'm afraid you can't move in that armor oh.
Crit:
[26:58] I mean you'd be surprised how well I can move in this armor you.
Cap:
[27:01] Should show him how.
Crit:
[27:02] Well you can move yeah and then I show him how some poses.
Dylan:
[27:05] It's very nice but I have slain two and a half for men who wear armor such as yours.
Crit:
[27:12] Fantastic. Wait, yeah, I'm, like, impressed, and then... This way, please. All right.
Cap:
[27:20] Now, yes. Paladin.
Dylan:
[27:23] You start making, you follow him down, and he's being rather quick. You know, he's like a rat. He zips around from place to place, and then kind of pokes his head up where you're like, come on, come on, please, faster. Like a little meerkat. Yeah, totally. You're like, what is... and um you don't know where you're going you're just kind of walking through the mist and the rocks and um and then he you know he comes out into the path in front of you and it's like okay, it descends here it it reaches the water down in this cave we must tread carefully can you climb in such armor so you can climb down slowly or you can try to show off and make an athletics check i.
Crit:
[28:04] Want to show off and make an athletics check because um what do you call it stunting.
Dylan:
[28:10] Stunting yeah.
Crit:
[28:11] Roll.
Cap:
[28:12] With the d6 i'm going to inspire you.
Crit:
[28:14] Yes oh yeah, oh man thank you for the d6 um 14 you.
Dylan:
[28:26] Know what that's fine you don't uh do anything spectacular spectacular, but you...
Crit:
[28:32] I rolled a three, folks.
Dylan:
[28:34] Yeah.
Cap:
[28:34] Oh, my God.
Crit:
[28:36] Thank you for the bardic inspiration.
Cap:
[28:38] I just remembered I had those.
Crit:
[28:40] So you're welcome. She's a bard, folks. For now.
Cap:
[28:45] The worst bard ever.
Dylan:
[28:47] So, you know, you didn't do like a somersault down there or anything, but you climbed down, you didn't slip, and it was fine and smooth.
Crit:
[28:54] I wanted to flex my butt. That was the main thing. Yeah.
Dylan:
[28:56] And you went a little bit faster than you would have if you had just gone carefully. You just went down comfortably.
Cap:
[29:03] You did so good.
Crit:
[29:04] Shit poor rolls.
Dylan:
[29:05] Yeah.
Crit:
[29:06] Imagine if I had disadvantage.
Dylan:
[29:09] And how about you, Thea?
Cap:
[29:10] Oh, I've got, I can't, I hate that I can't inspire myself. I would like to argue that bards are egotistical enough to inspire themselves.
Crit:
[29:20] Yeah, they should get off on it.
Cap:
[29:22] It's it's all ego all right oh god just straight roll all right asterisk you might need to catch me, Can I have acrobatics?
Dylan:
[29:33] Sure.
Cap:
[29:34] 13.
Dylan:
[29:35] All right. Yeah, acrobatics, you let yourself hang down kind of, and then you start kind of swinging from one place to the next, and then it looks more brachial, like brachiating than anything, but it's weird that you're doing it on the rocks. Eventually, your foot doesn't land on a rock. It lands on a mushroom. Oh, no. And it kind of bounces you a little bit further than you meant. And as you're going down, you aim for another mushroom. And it kind of cushions your fall and bounces you up about five feet. And then you land on the ground.
Cap:
[30:14] On my feet or on my ass?
Dylan:
[30:16] On your feet.
Cap:
[30:17] I do a bow.
Dylan:
[30:18] It actually looked a lot better than it felt. You were panicked, but it kind of just bounced, bounced, and you were fine.
Cap:
[30:24] As I bowed, I was like, oh, my fucking back.
Dylan:
[30:26] And we'll say you didn't scream because uh you can hold it together scrammed.
Cap:
[30:32] On the inside.
Dylan:
[30:32] Yeah so that looked really cool oh yeah you got to see her bounce on the mushrooms and you're like wow i didn't know you're so like acrobatic yeah so.
Crit:
[30:41] Jiggly i'm so impressed right now with these two very attractive people that i'm with impressed yeah impressed.
Dylan:
[30:51] Yeah so uh you see raul he comes he makes his way down leaping off sort of a swan dive and flips and lands on a mushroom further out from you guys and then back flips backwards and then lands amongst you, that is cool and you hear you hear some wherever he lands you're like a smatter.
Cap:
[31:20] It's cute that they love him so much right.
Dylan:
[31:23] It's really cute.
Cap:
[31:24] He's like their older brother who knows language.
Dylan:
[31:31] And uh yeah and so he uh he leads you further in and you start to hear water and you see the mist kind of getting sucked into holes in the ground in certain areas and you can hear water rushing um so you know now that there's like an underground river nearby and you can feel the chill of it you know as that kind of vacuum pressure of large bodies of water pulling through a tunnel um and as you turn a corner you can see it open up as the water is, rushing by to your right and splits off into a bunch of different streams um you can't see much further in than that he says now this is going to be tricky for you especially armor do you think you could jump at the mushroom i.
Crit:
[32:27] Don't think you could stop me so.
Dylan:
[32:30] You have to jump across this uh rushing water oh shit in full plate on bouncy mushrooms hell yeah now you're gonna have to bounce on one mushroom to start get to the middle of the water bounce on another one and then to get to the other side.
Crit:
[32:50] Oh, damn. Can I ask Raul for some help? Like to...
Dylan:
[32:55] Some pointers and stuff?
Crit:
[32:57] Pointers and like, you know, if it takes like, you know, if there's getting a hand on the first jump, you know what I mean?
Dylan:
[33:05] Right, yeah.
Crit:
[33:06] Like, I've never done this before. I'm not ashamed of...
Dylan:
[33:10] He says...
Crit:
[33:11] I want the form and like, yeah.
Dylan:
[33:13] Yeah. Says, of course, I show you, look. And he just walks over about 10 feet to another mushroom. and he's like, look, there's a smaller one next to it. You could step on to the next. He's like, test it. You stand on one and jump.
Crit:
[33:29] Yeah.
Dylan:
[33:29] They'll hold your weight.
Crit:
[33:30] Yeah, I want to like get the hang of it first.
Dylan:
[33:32] Yeah. Yeah, you can play around in it. Thea, you want to do it as well?
Cap:
[33:38] Yes.
Dylan:
[33:39] All right.
Cap:
[33:40] I'll join in in class.
Dylan:
[33:42] All right.
Crit:
[33:43] Is there like a trampoline size for, you know, that's kind of like you can bounce together?
Dylan:
[33:47] Other um further away yeah depends on how long you want to spend no.
Crit:
[33:53] It sounds really fun but.
Dylan:
[33:55] Um oh i'll say you got you guys got the hang of it for about 10-15 minutes and he's like who would like to go first oh.
Cap:
[34:03] Yeah i i mean i yeah sure i'll go for you you know you went first last time i suppose it's only fair that i try this time i can't i can't have you doing all of the dangerous shit yeah i guess.
Crit:
[34:17] It's like easy to stick the landing.
Dylan:
[34:19] Please after you my horned demon lady princess.
Cap:
[34:25] Princess okay okay.
Dylan:
[34:27] So you can have this with advantage since okay.
Cap:
[34:35] Okay. Okay. We're good. We're good. That's going to be a dirty 20.
Crit:
[34:42] All right.
Dylan:
[34:43] And your second one?
Cap:
[34:49] That would be a 17.
Dylan:
[34:50] All right. Yeah, you stick it just fine. After figuring out just about how bouncy these things are, it was a little unnerving because you didn't actually practice crossing anything or going that distance, but you landed it. You went higher than you thought you would go, and that was frightening, but you landed on the one in the middle, and that's a big, big help.
Crit:
[35:17] And uh yeah.
Cap:
[35:19] Hell yeah how.
Dylan:
[35:21] Do you see how do you see uh thea jumping across this.
Cap:
[35:24] I see her sort of sort of like she's i feel like when she's in the air she's very conscious to keep her her toes pointed like a dancer keep up keep a long line in her in her jump if she can um Um, uh, but, uh, as gracefully and it's, it's going to be bouncy. Everything's going to be bouncy.
Dylan:
[35:49] Okay. So like the crouching tiger, hidden dragon jump.
Cap:
[35:53] Ooh. Yeah.
Dylan:
[35:54] Just kind of fluttering. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That's what, uh, Asterisk sees.
Crit:
[36:00] Nice. Graceful.
Dylan:
[36:03] Yeah. And you can get two, uh, roles with advantage, either athletics or acrobatics, whichever you.
Crit:
[36:09] A 1 and an 11 plus 6 so 17.
Dylan:
[36:14] Sweet and then your second roll.
Crit:
[36:20] At 21.
Dylan:
[36:21] All right.
Cap:
[36:21] Oh, hell yeah.
Dylan:
[36:22] You stick the landing too. How do you see yourself jumping across?
Crit:
[36:27] Yeah, I think I'm probably more focused on like keeping a bend in the knees and then like looking where I want to go.
Dylan:
[36:33] Okay, so you like pounce across?
Crit:
[36:35] Yeah, I think that's.
Dylan:
[36:36] Yeah, like a hunter. So she doesn't go very high. She just kind of like leaps across. It's kind of frightening, actually. As you're watching her, you know, it's like, oh, she's going to jump over. And it's like, jump, jump. Oh, there she is. That was very fast.
Cap:
[36:54] Asterisk. Fuck.
Dylan:
[36:55] Yeah, and then, you know, shortly after you land, Raul lands behind you and he's like, well done, armor.
Crit:
[37:01] Thank you.
Cap:
[37:02] I told you.
Crit:
[37:03] Thank you for the tips.
Dylan:
[37:05] Move at speed this way. And this time he's being quiet and he goes into more of a low position and starts approaching.
Crit:
[37:16] Yeah, do the same. Yeah. so glad i have this masterwork armor.
Dylan:
[37:21] Yeah roll your stealth oh.
Cap:
[37:23] I think i'm good at that i think that's one of the things i'm incredibly good at.
Dylan:
[37:27] Hell yeah oh god i thought it was a one not today full plate oh i thought it was a one two sevens i'm like jesus christ it's a nine but i would have have my wing that is.
Cap:
[37:43] A dirty 20 for me.
Dylan:
[37:44] Nice what'd you get nine nine okay yeah you're um, you go to like crouch low and um it's not the armor that really is making all the noise whereas you're just kind of making noise as a person um like you go to crouch down and there's a mushroom room right underneath you're like oh and i'm like he looks behind you and you're like he's like.
Crit:
[38:16] So true to life.
Dylan:
[38:20] Yeah you know you stub your toe a little bit and you say shit like everybody just looks at you trying to be quiet but shut the.
Cap:
[38:31] Astros you're embarrassing me.
Dylan:
[38:34] Thankfully it doesn't seem like Anything hears you approaching Oh my god.
Cap:
[38:41] Bless this waterfall.
Dylan:
[38:43] You are making your way up through the echoes of the cave system. You hear water through the floor, through the walls, making interesting noises, dripping, blooping, and all kinds of stuff. But then you hear something awful, some horrible, horrible scream. You hear just this blood-curdling screech that you think sounds like a horse.
Cap:
[39:13] Uh-huh. I knew it.
Dylan:
[39:14] Oh, man. Yeah.
Crit:
[39:18] Oh, man. Bad.
Cap:
[39:19] You've got to kill this motherfucker now. He's killing the horses.
Dylan:
[39:23] Screaming and screaming. And it doesn't stop. It's horrific. So you guys start moving a little bit quicker. and you look over and you're on the ledge overlooking what looks to be kind of a cove off of one of the streams where there's just a bunch of stuff that's piled up mostly crap you know but you see uh one of the carts your your cart there you see other carts that have been smashed up um your cart doesn't look like it's been disassembled yet but you do see your horse One of the horses screaming in agony as this creature, this monster, dragon-like man is tearing into the belly and leg of this horse like a lion would at a feast. And this is no dragonborn. This is something bigger and more bestial. It has two arms, two legs in the shape of a human. But its head is just huge, its mouth is long, and its jaw distended like a snake. And it has what looks like animal intellect. but not the intellect of what you would see in a human, something you'd see in an apex predator.
Dylan:
[40:50] Okay. And it looks like it's pretty wrapped up here in itself, eating on this poor horse. You know, he's eating from the middle.
Cap:
[41:02] Keep it fresh.
Dylan:
[41:04] Yeah. Yeah, into this cove-like area, it's about 50 feet and a half circle, and you are 10 feet above this area on a ledge that terminates to your left just turns into a wall so you can't just stay on the ledge all the way around and a stream of water nothing huge but just a stream of water that kind of bisects you know the rest of the cave with this but there are mushrooms on the ground and all over the place what do you want to do i.
Crit:
[41:34] Mean i want to um I want to ask.
Cap:
[41:36] Can we gather if there is it just the three of us or are there going to be like, is there going to be like a wave of like tiny little cobalt just.
Crit:
[41:46] That would have been helpful to talk about.
Dylan:
[41:50] They would be useless. We have tried. They fall by the score. It is not worth the loss of life.
Cap:
[42:01] Okay. Noted.
Crit:
[42:03] All right.
Dylan:
[42:04] Only such as I, with my skill of my master, and my size, would even give me a chance but not alone.
Cap:
[42:16] And that's why we're here.
Dylan:
[42:18] Yes.
Cap:
[42:19] Isn't that right, Paladin?
Crit:
[42:20] That's right. It's meant to be. Okay, I mean, I want to take it by surprise while we can. If we're ready to act. If we all look. Give the look.
Dylan:
[42:35] Yeah, you can talk a little bit real quick.
Cap:
[42:40] I'll try to stay up on the ledge. As best I can. It's 50 feet. So we'll see.
Dylan:
[42:47] Yeah, and he is around the middle of that, so he's about 25 feet away. Jump charging distance, if you will.
Crit:
[42:55] Yeah.
Dylan:
[42:58] And, yeah, Raul says, armor, you go first. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I will take the flank. It hurts them if you hit them in the soft part behind. I found.
Crit:
[43:12] Okay. I would like to, if there's a mushroom that's big enough, use that to jump from the height that we have and jump to his location with some kind of jumping attack. I don't know if that's allowed in D&D these days.
Dylan:
[43:35] You want to run and jump from a mushroom at your height down to him.
Crit:
[43:43] Down onto him.
Dylan:
[43:44] Charging attack.
Crit:
[43:44] Yeah.
Dylan:
[43:45] Yeah, that's perfectly fine.
Crit:
[43:47] Okay.
Dylan:
[43:47] Yeah, that's like a diving attack.
Crit:
[43:50] Yeah, it's like, yeah, like, you know, in Zelda.
Dylan:
[43:53] Yeah, it's the cool Zelda attack.
Crit:
[43:55] The X maneuver when you're in the air.
Dylan:
[43:57] Yeah.
Cap:
[43:58] Before you go, can I slap your ass and give you Vardic inspiration? I would love that.
Crit:
[44:03] I would also enjoy this for a party inspiration.
Cap:
[44:06] Jump in.
Dylan:
[44:07] All right. So this is going to be a surprise round. And Asterisk is going to be starting the party off.
Cap:
[44:16] Hell yeah.
Crit:
[44:17] I'm going to go for Morningstar and Shield then. Yeah. Okay.
Dylan:
[44:21] Yeah.
Crit:
[44:22] Can you guide me through the rules?
Dylan:
[44:23] Yeah. It's just one acrobatics or athletics rule.
Crit:
[44:28] That's great. Okay. So I'm rolling for the jump with athletics. i'm gonna go ahead and roll it because i rolled a five which will total for 11 which feels like i think if it were 12 i would feel really good about it um fair yeah and then that's gonna give me a three so that'll be 14 yeah okay awesome um.
Dylan:
[44:52] Yeah you make it.
Crit:
[44:53] Awesome yeah ideally i'm like like, just right behind him.
Dylan:
[44:57] Yeah. Yeah. But quietly. You wanted to jump over him? Like, behind, like, try to land. I thought you were just going to smash on your way down, like, right on top of him, basically.
Crit:
[45:09] Oh, yeah. I mean, like, yeah. But, like, I guess my feet would not be, like, also in his...
Dylan:
[45:15] Not in his square.
Crit:
[45:16] Yeah, I don't want to stand on him as I'm landing on him either.
Dylan:
[45:19] I just figure like right in front of him, just bam.
Crit:
[45:21] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dylan:
[45:22] Okay. Yeah, roll your attack.
Cap:
[45:27] Woo!
Crit:
[45:29] Woo! That's a dirty 20.
Dylan:
[45:32] Sweet. That hits.
Crit:
[45:37] Six bludgeoning damage.
Dylan:
[45:39] Six. All right. Nice. Um, so as you're, as you're jumping, so you run off to the side real quick where, where it runs to a wall. Basically you jump onto a mushroom that's growing off the side of the corner there and angle your jump so that you go straight at him, chest square, shield forward, and your morning star landing right on the crown of his head. But he moved it just the last second and caught his shoulder and definitely surprised him as he got smashed a bit forward into what he was eating. And the sound is awful. The horse is still screaming, but now he's screaming. He's roaring and looks completely enraged and confused. Right as you hit his shoulder, you saw Raul land behind him silently. All right, let's roll initiative.
Crit:
[46:43] Yes.
Cap:
[46:44] Raul doing hot boy shit.
Crit:
[46:47] 13. Yeah, hot boy shit.
Cap:
[46:51] 11. It's okay. I like going later on.
Crit:
[46:55] Me too.
Dylan:
[46:55] Cool. All right.
Crit:
[47:03] I'm trying not to get nervous because we have we have an ally maybe.
Cap:
[47:09] Raul's a rogue.
Crit:
[47:10] Yeah.
Dylan:
[47:11] So this roaring monster in your face Asterisk he's screaming and then suddenly it turns into a higher pitched screech that matches more the horse in tone as you don't see Raul but you heard just some meat cutting noises around the back it seemed like back here around the back where he said it hurts and he wasn't lying, look it really hurt, yeah and so Raul got his sneak attack off there and Astras you can go.
Crit:
[47:56] So I would like to attack him again with my Morningstar. Alright, that one died.
Cap:
[48:06] Goodbye!
Crit:
[48:08] You rolled a 13. I don't know if you won it. I'll keep that. Thank you. Plus 6. 19.
Dylan:
[48:17] That hits.
Crit:
[48:18] Excellent. Another 6 bludgeoning damage.
Dylan:
[48:23] Yeah.
Crit:
[48:24] Yeah.
Dylan:
[48:24] Okay.
Crit:
[48:25] Right in his stupid face.
Dylan:
[48:27] His eyes are rolled back into his head and was turning around to see what had just stabbed him. And as he was turning, he met your warning star. You smashed him right between the eyes, breaking his nose. And he stumbles and he doesn't scream anymore. And he looks kind of confused again. But this time, he doesn't know where he is. and is just swinging wildly, you might have given him a really serious concussion there. You know, like if it was somebody you're training with, you'd have him sit down.
Crit:
[49:04] Whoa, buddy.
Dylan:
[49:05] But he's not. All right. And so it's Theo's turn.
Cap:
[49:11] All right. I'm going to hit him with my mean words. So he needs to succeed a wisdom saving throw and beat 15.
Dylan:
[49:22] He saves. fuck sorry that's.
Cap:
[49:26] Okay what fucking you you you you look stupid does.
Dylan:
[49:33] He not take any damage no.
Cap:
[49:36] I don't do shit damn vicious mockery sucks but it's good but sucks save or out.
Dylan:
[49:42] Hold on yeah.
Cap:
[49:42] Big or no.
Dylan:
[49:43] You know now that you mention it he does have a concussion So I'm going to say he has disadvantage to that one. And yeah, he fails.
Cap:
[49:53] Oh, yay. Okay. He takes a D4 of psychic. He takes one psychic damage.
Crit:
[50:01] Yes.
Cap:
[50:02] And he has disadvantage on his next attack roll. He probably would have anyways. He's double disadvantage.
Crit:
[50:07] Super dumb.
Cap:
[50:09] Super dumb big boy disadvantage.
Crit:
[50:12] Yeah. Extremely concussed.
Dylan:
[50:15] Yeah, he is wobbling on his feet. It looks like his next act may be his last. He is not quite here anymore. and it is Raul's turn get.
Cap:
[50:32] It boy open.
Crit:
[50:33] The wall bro finish him.
Dylan:
[50:38] Yeah Raul you see Raul leap up from a mushroom and land, on this creature's back burying his knives deep into its neck and then it falls to its knees and roars one last time and falls face-first with Raoul on his back as he pulls out his blades, wipes them up on his scarf, and then sheathes them. Oh, boy, shit.
Cap:
[51:10] Is the horse dead, or is it still screaming?
Dylan:
[51:14] Screaming, unfortunately.
Crit:
[51:15] We kill the horse.
Cap:
[51:15] Would I know if a cure wounds would do anything?
Dylan:
[51:20] You could try.
Cap:
[51:21] All right, I'm going to run down to the horse, and I'm going to try to cure wounds the horse. Sure. I know magic is sexy.
Dylan:
[51:29] But I don't... Make an acrobatics check.
Cap:
[51:31] Okay.
Crit:
[51:33] Bounce.
Dylan:
[51:34] Yeah, bounce down there.
Cap:
[51:35] Bounce, bounce. Oh, God, I thought it was a one, but it's a seven. That was Terry. Okay, so seven plus three, so ten.
Dylan:
[51:44] Yeah, you made it. You're not trying to be cool, but you just have to beat a ten to bounce on the thing.
Cap:
[51:49] But yes, okay, excellent. I make it down, so I'm going to cure wounds the horse. um so that's a 1d8 plus my modifier okay okay um where is it uh so that's nine points of healing hell.
Dylan:
[52:08] Yeah yeah it um, It calms down. It's breathing heavy, but it stands up as you see its wounds just stitch together. The muscle regrows and tendons connect.
Crit:
[52:26] Holy shit.
Dylan:
[52:27] And it stands and trots around and kind of kicks a few times, bucks its legs and then shakes its head and comes back to you and nuzzles its face into your chest.
Crit:
[52:41] Oh my goodness.
Dylan:
[52:41] Almost pushes you over because they're huge And he's just trying to lean I.
Cap:
[52:46] Rub his big flat Dumb face.
Dylan:
[52:49] It moves over And moves next to you so that it can lean Against you.
Crit:
[52:55] I'm so relieved I put my blade back into its sheath I was so ready to put that.
Dylan:
[53:01] Horse out of its misery Oh my god I didn't know that was This is why I didn't name you.
Crit:
[53:06] Like you're showing me That there's an alternative.
Dylan:
[53:10] Yeah i didn't.
Crit:
[53:12] Know there was another way.
Dylan:
[53:13] I'll say sorry i forgot to mention while you were casting cure wounds um the vibe shifted in the cave as the screaming horse started, squealing a little bit and then whining and squeaking kind of like a dog would um and then just breathing heavy you feel this radiating uh pleasurable feeling that just thrums through you like a like your spine is the chord that it's playing this thumb thumb thumb thumb you feel a lot everybody does asterisks you you feel it too you look down in your hands where you have these cuts and everything from sharpening your blade have all healed up and little nicks and bruises are gone and that little pain that you had in your neck is not there oh.
Crit:
[54:10] From the yeah so oh do i can i recover three points of.
Dylan:
[54:14] Yeah fuck yeah um i.
Crit:
[54:18] Mean also that feels good.
Dylan:
[54:20] But Raul falls to his knees.
Crit:
[54:23] Whoa.
Dylan:
[54:24] Oh, Raul, you okay.
Cap:
[54:25] Bud?
Dylan:
[54:26] Great witch, I apologize. I did not mean to offend. And your friend, Armor, I was merely taking joke. Please do not kill or turn into frog.
Cap:
[54:42] Get up, buddy. Don't worry about it.
Dylan:
[54:44] You are much merciful, witch.
Crit:
[54:47] It's okay. We did it. We, we, um... What is it?
Cap:
[54:52] Yeah, what the hell is this, Raul?
Dylan:
[54:55] Um, he, uh...
Crit:
[54:57] Wait, hang on. Are we ignoring... The sexual tension in the room?
Dylan:
[55:03] A little bit. What is that? And then Raul makes a scene and you're like, oh no, it's fine.
Crit:
[55:11] It's great.
Cap:
[55:12] It's really great. Totally fine. Don't worry about it.
Crit:
[55:19] Yeah.
Dylan:
[55:20] He didn't seem to feel it. He's not in on that. Damn.
Crit:
[55:26] Poor guy.
Dylan:
[55:27] But you weren't touching this time. so you're noticing just like with the prestidigitation it's kind of a connection you have around each.
Crit:
[55:36] Other nice cool.
Dylan:
[55:38] Yeah so stuff you turn to this dragon monster man it's just about as descriptive as you could get with this thing you know yeah um and you know raul says and he tries to kick it over but it's too big it's like please okay help him.
Crit:
[55:58] Push it over.
Dylan:
[55:58] Push him over onto his back you guys got this take a look at him yeah thea's um yeah she's going to the cart immediately looking for her i want my shit her stuff oh yeah she's uh she's finding it she's like oh oh my god my waterlogged.
Cap:
[56:15] Fiddle oh my god it's gonna take forever to dry the humidity in here my music.
Dylan:
[56:20] Yeah definitely there's some water damage and you just hear.
Cap:
[56:24] That ambiently is y'all are doing like actual important shit i'm being materialistic.
Dylan:
[56:28] And uh it's like little you know like some of the things are open so you're like great, you know and you're like it looks like it's full but one of those buttons is missing that you had in there there is at least there are two buttons but there's one so you don't know if it's in the pile outside or not or if it fell off so yeah you're gonna be there for a little while yeah, So you hear Thea off there growling and kind of just like, you fucking kidding me.
Cap:
[56:54] Swearing in Infernal.
Dylan:
[56:55] Yeah, totally. And that sounds awful.
Crit:
[56:57] Yeah, just growling.
Dylan:
[57:01] Less a language and more of an experience.
Cap:
[57:03] I think you meant it sounds hot.
Crit:
[57:05] Yeah.
Dylan:
[57:06] Right? Yeah.
Crit:
[57:07] It's true.
Dylan:
[57:08] Yeah, it's like a coal fire burning over there.
Crit:
[57:10] Wow.
Dylan:
[57:11] Yeah, with sulfur spitting out. But yeah, there's sizzling and, you know, it's hot. So you're getting a good look at this thing. It looks like maybe it was a man at one or a dragon born at one point.
Crit:
[57:26] Is it wearing any clothes at all?
Dylan:
[57:28] No, it giving it a search. It looks like there's bits of clothing that are still on only because they haven't been shredded off from the sheer size or. Yeah, it's it's strange. it's like it has several layers of scales that have grown on top you know a snake that never molts.
Dylan:
[57:55] That's not healthy it's got an enlarged cranium and jaw that looks like it was painful to have, you know bone splitting out of skin in some places skin still hanging and drying uh healing up around new areas within it yeah and between all of the scales that you can see on this on this you know his base layer are all have cracks between just raw between them um the mouth monstrous wide the tongue is lolling out and it uh yeah it's not long like an alligator, um it's much much shorter but very wide it's just as many teeth as an alligator but not as long a snout it's not really carrying anything it has these, claws that have just grown and grown and grown raul he kicks the body spits on it there's this one he's sick, A cursed one.
Crit:
[59:06] Mm.
Dylan:
[59:07] These, not dragons, man-dragon, a cursed. Already monsters become, all I've seen turn to this.
Crit:
[59:18] All the dragonborn you've seen?
Dylan:
[59:20] Yes, dragon-man. Turn into monster-dragon-man.
Crit:
[59:24] Well, that's really disturbing. Wow. wow yeah like i guess could i look closer at like the split skin and the bone growth stuff like see what's going on like do like a medicine check or something i mean i don't know shit about dragonborns maybe i should ask the yeah yeah.
Dylan:
[59:44] It would be more of an arcana check i think.
Crit:
[59:47] Something like.
Dylan:
[59:48] That this looks like magic's at play.
Crit:
[59:50] Okay you.
Dylan:
[59:51] Know you can tell just from looking at it that you know this thing has been growing at an unreasonable pace in weird areas.
Crit:
[59:58] That's awful yeah i guess i'll i'll probably want to wait for thea to finish with the cart to get her to take a look like you you okay over there well.
Cap:
[1:00:10] We're not gonna be able to get the cart out of there again that thing's fucking busted but i did manage to get most of our shit out of there in the bags and i'm kind of like hauling them out into the dry.
Crit:
[1:00:18] I'm like oh honey i'll get that like and like is the other horse still here it's just oh sad it.
Dylan:
[1:00:27] Wasn't tied to the cart.
Crit:
[1:00:28] Okay so.
Dylan:
[1:00:29] It probably took one good look that thing and ran off.
Crit:
[1:00:32] Oh that's good honestly yeah um yeah this.
Cap:
[1:00:35] Is the horse that loves us the most.
Crit:
[1:00:37] Yeah i am it's gone like here why don't we trade i'll i'll take over picking up heavy things and you go check out that weird thing it's like really gross yeah.
Cap:
[1:00:52] It looks gross.
Crit:
[1:00:53] Yeah it might have been a dragonborn and raul is saying any dragonborn he's seen turned into that so that seems really fucked up that's.
Cap:
[1:01:07] Unnerving to be.
Crit:
[1:01:09] Sure yeah all right like i i i'll.
Cap:
[1:01:12] Go uh i'll go take a gander yeah.
Dylan:
[1:01:14] Whenever Whenever you say Raul, you notice everything else around you says Raul. Raul.
Cap:
[1:01:20] Thea starts playing with it.
Dylan:
[1:01:22] Like seeing if she can get them to go in like call and response. And was like, not the time, not the place because it was before the fight. But now, you know.
Cap:
[1:01:32] She's like, course over there, course over here.
Dylan:
[1:01:34] Yes.
Cap:
[1:01:36] You said this would be Arcana. Arcana. Arcanum. Arcanus.
Dylan:
[1:01:40] Yeah. Arcanus. Yeah.
Crit:
[1:01:42] Put your Arcanus on it.
Cap:
[1:01:45] I'm not very good at Arcanist, so we'll see. Oh, it's a 19. And I don't add anything to it because I'm only kind of smart.
Dylan:
[1:01:55] Yeah, you're smart enough to get by.
Crit:
[1:01:56] That's so sad. I even got to add stuff to stealth.
Cap:
[1:02:03] It's a flat roll. I'm okay. The church finage didn't really teach me much.
Dylan:
[1:02:11] Yeah. Okay, so you are looking at this dragon monster man. man and seeing similar conclusions to asteris with how it's grown and out of control and wacky and you look at it more with the discerning eye magically and it's not something you're super practiced with but uh as you look yeah uh this thing looks positively riddled with transmutation magic and it's pumping through his veins and it looks like or it would would Would have been pumping through his veins.
Cap:
[1:02:50] If they pumped any longer.
Dylan:
[1:02:52] It seems that the magic was spread through his body like a cancer.
Cap:
[1:02:58] Oh, God.
Dylan:
[1:02:59] It mutated him, made him different. One thing you did notice that this dragonborn was probably a white dragonborn.
Crit:
[1:03:10] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:03:11] So.
Cap:
[1:03:12] A friend that can't dance. Can she, can, um, I don't know how discernible this would be, but, but is it able to tell if it seems like it was like done intentionally or if it is just sort of a byproduct of some weird like ley line type shit.
Crit:
[1:03:32] You know?
Cap:
[1:03:32] Like, was he, is this guy a fucking experiment or is like this like magical nonsense? Just kind of, did he just stand over the wrong Fisher, you know, like that sort of thing?
Dylan:
[1:03:42] It looks like an infection or like a virus or something. And it doesn't seem like anybody would sign up for this. Raoul had mentioned that every dragon man he had seen had turned into one of those, so you could talk to him.
Cap:
[1:03:58] Raoul, darling.
Dylan:
[1:03:59] Raoul.
Crit:
[1:04:00] Raoul.
Dylan:
[1:04:02] Yes.
Cap:
[1:04:03] You, uh, you said to, uh, you said to our paladin that every dragon man you'd seen had turned out like this?
Dylan:
[1:04:13] Yes.
Cap:
[1:04:13] How many dragon men have you seen?
Dylan:
[1:04:16] This one.
Cap:
[1:04:17] Okay.
Crit:
[1:04:18] Yes.
Dylan:
[1:04:20] We always knew not to trust a dragon man because they're monsters and it's just proof.
Cap:
[1:04:30] Okay.
Crit:
[1:04:31] Askew.
Cap:
[1:04:32] Wow.
Dylan:
[1:04:33] Faker dragon icons. Not a real dragon. Tried to be too much man, they go to the city. Too much dragon, they turn to here. Obvious.
Crit:
[1:04:47] He's sexy the whole day the dragon kobold man thing, he's so handsome interesting he is so handsome um are you by.
Cap:
[1:05:02] Us or are you somewhere else?
Crit:
[1:05:04] I'm nearby I'm like listening but like you know I'm organizing the bags like heavy because I'm gonna have to carry it right I mean like we can.
Cap:
[1:05:12] Sling it over the horse's ass.
Crit:
[1:05:14] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, I've been doing that, strapping horse down, but horse can come over here, horse love you, so.
Cap:
[1:05:22] Horse love me.
Crit:
[1:05:23] Yes.
Cap:
[1:05:26] So, Asteris, this, uh... This looks like an infection. This doesn't seem... I mean, well, none of this is normal, but it's really hard to tell what within this realm is normal or not, but this seems decidedly abnormal for the abnormal.
Crit:
[1:05:43] Wow, that's kind of gross.
Cap:
[1:05:46] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:05:47] Right? Yeah. I guess it's a good thing neither of us are dragonborn.
Cap:
[1:05:52] Yeah. Yes, good thing.
Dylan:
[1:05:54] He spits.
Cap:
[1:05:55] I'm going to step away from this.
Crit:
[1:05:58] Alright well we did it.
Dylan:
[1:06:00] Yeah so Raoul he says I thank you one million times and I cannot say that in actuality but I hope you understand what I mean of course please I ask you take anything you want any one thing that you want from the pile before we give it to Glasswing that.
Cap:
[1:06:28] Is most generous raul.
Crit:
[1:06:31] Do we both get a treat or is it we both collectively pick one treat.
Dylan:
[1:06:36] Are you asking raul um.
Crit:
[1:06:38] I wouldn't say it like that.
Cap:
[1:06:43] I wouldn't say treat uh.
Dylan:
[1:06:46] It seemed like he offered each of you anything you wanted then looked at both of you and said each of you can have one thing and then looked and was trying to like make it even yeah he he looks like he doesn't want to give up much um that's fair you know he you know it's the whole like you know dad can i borrow fifty dollars like forty dollars when you thirty dollars for okay.
Cap:
[1:07:11] Um yeah yeah i mean well i mean like i guess is there anything cool and or worth taking yeah exactly yeah.
Dylan:
[1:07:20] Take a look all.
Cap:
[1:07:21] Right well we'll we'll eyeball it like.
Crit:
[1:07:25] A You could take a penny, leave a penny.
Cap:
[1:07:26] Yeah. Look at how well-muscled Raul is.
Crit:
[1:07:30] I know, I'm just admiring it. Raul, you know, we should duel or something, like, for fun.
Cap:
[1:07:36] For fun.
Crit:
[1:07:37] We should wrestle. Or you guys could wrestle, and then we could wrestle, and then we could take turns wrestling.
Cap:
[1:07:45] Oh, not really much for wrestling.
Crit:
[1:07:47] Oh, no. Okay, well.
Dylan:
[1:07:50] Okay.
Crit:
[1:07:50] All right, so I've already slept with Raul.
Dylan:
[1:07:55] Are you trying to fuck Raul?
Cap:
[1:07:56] Oh, that's going to happen on screen?
Crit:
[1:07:58] It already happened. You missed it. You weren't paying attention.
Dylan:
[1:08:00] Oh, fuck.
Cap:
[1:08:01] I blanked.
Crit:
[1:08:02] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:08:05] All right. So, Thea, I imagine you're looking for magical looking items first, right?
Cap:
[1:08:11] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:08:12] Yeah. You had plenty of time while Raul and Astros were flirting. You don't know much about magic. But you do know that a lot of magic items, from what you've heard, you need to bond with it or something or, you know, like, figure out how you can make a relationship with it before it will really, like, help you.
Crit:
[1:08:39] You need to put it inside you.
Dylan:
[1:08:41] So.
Cap:
[1:08:41] Oh.
Dylan:
[1:08:43] Yeah. What she said.
Cap:
[1:08:47] Wow.
Dylan:
[1:08:47] But you do find a couple of items that look magical.
Cap:
[1:08:54] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:08:55] And one of them, as I know you were looking for instruments, um, is a loot a woot yes and it is a black loot with pink accents all throughout its body a truly exquisite example of its kind a creature that attempts to play the instrument without being tuned to it takes some shit you can use an action to play the instrument and cast one of its uh cast a spell yeah you can do it once per day you can cast one of its spells and it says you can You can play the instrument while casting a spell that causes any of its targets to be charmed on a failed saving throw, thereby imposing disadvantage on the save. This effect applies only if the spell has a somatic or material component, but it also has an extra ability. While singing or speaking, you may choose to be twice as loud as you would be in a concert hall, making your intelligible voice reach 1,200 feet rather than 600 feet.
Crit:
[1:09:55] Holy shit.
Cap:
[1:09:55] I wouldn't have to use Thaumaturgy all the time.
Dylan:
[1:09:58] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:09:59] Oh, yeah, we're taking that.
Crit:
[1:10:00] That's loud.
Cap:
[1:10:01] We're taking that.
Crit:
[1:10:02] You could spook everybody in the vicinity.
Dylan:
[1:10:06] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:10:07] While you go and finger through the pile of stuff, Theo's just going to be slack-jawed, like, oh, my God. She's going to start touching the strings, be like, what do you sound like? Oh, my God.
Dylan:
[1:10:20] And a weird decanter. Now, you're going to have to look at this. a bit um it is a glass decanter that is filled with a magical red fluid and roll an arcana check oh no.
Cap:
[1:10:42] That is that is a seven.
Dylan:
[1:10:43] Or like is there like a lore or something knowledge.
Cap:
[1:10:48] History those are all in all of the inty things i think are what i need Your girl ain't there.
Crit:
[1:10:54] Be insightful about it.
Dylan:
[1:10:57] You know what? Yeah, it would be insight. Okay.
Crit:
[1:11:00] Just trust your gut.
Cap:
[1:11:02] In that case, it's a nine.
Dylan:
[1:11:06] You have no idea.
Cap:
[1:11:07] I don't fucking.
Dylan:
[1:11:09] But it seems really magical. Restoration magic.
Crit:
[1:11:14] Oh, red juice in a vial. Big sippies. Come on.
Dylan:
[1:11:19] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:11:20] I've never had to. What is this?
Dylan:
[1:11:23] You drink. Like you look at it and you're like, what? Restorative?
Crit:
[1:11:27] It's a health potion.
Dylan:
[1:11:29] So it's not a potion because it's a decanter.
Crit:
[1:11:32] Oh, decanter. Oh, like big boy. Yeah. Big gulp.
Dylan:
[1:11:37] Here roll an insight okay.
Cap:
[1:11:42] I'm holding it up looking at it like what the i'm like holding it to the line what the fuck.
Dylan:
[1:11:47] Are you oh net 20 yeah you uh you know you're in the middle you're like oh no you were totally incorrect what and then you walked over like what is it and then you you look at it you You dip your finger in it, and you're like, health potion. And then she sucks on it and walks back over to Raul sucking on her finger.
Cap:
[1:12:12] Oh, whoa.
Crit:
[1:12:16] It's a big gulp of health potion.
Dylan:
[1:12:19] But yeah, not just the liquid, but the container itself, too.
Crit:
[1:12:24] Whoa. It make health potion?
Cap:
[1:12:28] It's a special bottle. Cool.
Dylan:
[1:12:31] Yeah, that would be some potion you'd have to chug. Drink this, quick.
Crit:
[1:12:36] Quickly.
Dylan:
[1:12:38] You're hurt.
Cap:
[1:12:38] Chug this.
Dylan:
[1:12:39] Chug this, faster. Come on, pussy. That's a bonus action.
Cap:
[1:12:41] Three seconds.
Crit:
[1:12:42] My stomach has been cut open. It just falls out.
Cap:
[1:12:47] Pour it directly into your stomach.
Crit:
[1:12:50] Oh.
Dylan:
[1:12:51] You bring the items up and show Raul. And he's like, ah, yes, sure. We will take the rest to Glasswing. so uh armor you uh travel through here seasonally um.
Crit:
[1:13:09] No this is my first time actually.
Dylan:
[1:13:12] Oh well there's uh much more than the cave sometime maybe i could show you yeah.
Crit:
[1:13:19] I would love that um that sounds great maybe we could uh.
Dylan:
[1:13:23] Perhaps you could stay the night uh you and And your witch, great witch, powerful witch, demon friend can stay as well.
Crit:
[1:13:33] Yeah, she's really powerful and scary. You should definitely... Definitely, I mean, tread lightly around her, I'd say.
Dylan:
[1:13:42] Yes. Yes, of course.
Crit:
[1:13:47] Definitely do whatever she says.
Dylan:
[1:13:49] Your wisdom is unmatched.
Crit:
[1:13:52] Yes.
Dylan:
[1:13:53] He starts squeaking into the air, kind of like chittering, like a rat, but much louder. and then and then after it echoes away you hear an acknowledgement in the form of i love that wow you're safe with my kind wow.
Crit:
[1:14:17] That's amazing raul thank you thank you i've like put my hand on his shoulder and like you know.
Dylan:
[1:14:23] He flexes oh wow that's amazing make some squeaks again you're more scary and going she's.
Cap:
[1:14:30] Like yeah sure.
Dylan:
[1:14:32] They are preparing things for our welcome and you see him like kind of just looking around like sternly you're scurrying uh yes let us make make way back all right we'll call it here okay well yeah he's gonna take you back to his camp yay.
Cap:
[1:14:51] Damn raul with the backstab damage Total MVP maneuver. I wonder if Astris will express her gratitude to him later. But wow, y'all, I can't believe we made it through episode one together. I can't tell you how much your listening means to us. Please give us a rate and subscribe wherever fine podcasts are sold, or streamed. You know what I mean. Our episodes will be released every other Monday. So until then, my darlings, stay sexy. Music.