Astris and Thea take in the sights and smells of the Kobold City. Things get a little steamy in the hot springs.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Dylan:
[0:33] So when we last left off you had descended into the crag into the mushroom lair with all kinds of colorful mushrooms and fungi and weird plant species that you didn't recognize And.
Crit:
[0:53] A fun guy.
Dylan:
[1:23] Until Thea presented the scale that Glasswing had given her and held it before her like a crucifix. And it drew awe from all of the kobolds that could see it. And they began chanting the name Raoul. Raoul. And Raoul came.
Cap:
[1:48] Not yet, he hasn't.
Dylan:
[1:52] He i don't know i don't know has he no gilfaniel.
Crit:
[1:59] How dare you.
Dylan:
[2:01] Yeah i am sworn to another, um and gory right i'll share and then you like the dog if.
Crit:
[2:13] He shares i share we just it's fine.
Dylan:
[2:16] Um what happens so yeah you guys uh, Ran into Raul after he made a dramatic entrance. He told you guys they had a very serious problem with a dragon monster man stealing their tribute to Glasswing. So you agreed to help. You learned to jump on the mushrooms.
Crit:
[2:40] Mushroom jumping?
Dylan:
[2:42] Mushroom jumping. camping and you slew the beast uh in its little lair and healed your horse that was being eaten at the time and the horse really really appreciates it and loves the greatly for healing her yeah and you received a couple of items out of the tribute pile one of them being uh what seems to be just a large carafe or a decanter of healing potion and another, a black and pink instrument. Raul insists that both of you come back to their camp and stay the night so that you can rest up and get ready for the morning.
Crit:
[3:33] Hell yeah.
Dylan:
[3:33] Continue your journey.
Cap:
[3:35] Well, we'll follow them. Are we, have we, have we arrived or are we still following them back?
Dylan:
[3:39] If you want to talk on the way back, that's fine. Yeah, if you have something to say while you're following them back, you notice the kobolds are not hiding anymore. And they're scurrying about, bounding, some of them shaking some of that rat like quality and you see some of the lizard like things going for it as it's standing on top of a rock and just kind of jerking from one direction to the other looking in different directions. Like it's moving instantaneously before it just hops off. And yeah. So, Thea, did you want to talk to Asteris as you guys are making your way back?
Cap:
[4:20] Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to like. pull off just aside and put my arm around her shoulder and be like hey so uh see you uh making eyes at uh raul over there raul yeah he's cool right yeah he's he's uh he's very cool yeah um but i don't know how much i need to tell you about what to expect later slash if you even can with that thing still on oh.
Crit:
[4:54] No i can't that's the whole point.
Cap:
[4:55] Okay so what you know you know what if you if you have any questions about anything at any point how about we just say that you can you can just ask me since i clearly don't understand awesome.
Crit:
[5:16] Cool no thank you i will we'll do that do i have any questions.
Cap:
[5:22] I mean you don't have to come up with them now you can, more more is the question of what what what were you what are you planning on doing with raul then if you didn't even know what that was you've been all flirty and shit oh.
Crit:
[5:42] Well i just i just like him is all.
Cap:
[5:44] Okay okay well then i guess i guess i guess i don't have to give you a birds and the bees talk today no i've had that.
Crit:
[5:53] Talk i've had that talk.
Cap:
[5:54] Oh you have yeah absolutely.
Crit:
[5:55] Never ever ever do it.
Cap:
[6:02] Oh okay i see you got the church finage education oh yeah all right you've seen my belt of chasteness yeah i suppose that makes sense all right well you know i guess since i don't i guess i don't really have anything to worry about with that thing on you know what, that's right neither do i whatever the fuck you want you do whatever the fuck you want paladin I'll be here if you need me Awesome.
Crit:
[6:33] I'll give you a fist bump I.
Cap:
[6:35] Fist bump you right back bitch Support.
Dylan:
[6:38] Comprehensive.
Crit:
[6:40] Sexual education y'all.
Dylan:
[6:41] You guys notice A few kobolds That are mimicking What you guys are doing Like giggling and fist bumping.
Cap:
[6:49] That's adorable When you.
Dylan:
[6:51] Look at them they scatter.
Cap:
[6:53] That's so cute Aww.
Crit:
[6:56] I love them I would die for them.
Cap:
[7:00] I don't know about that.
Dylan:
[7:02] Yeah, they seemed like hideous monsters at first, but now...
Crit:
[7:06] Well, it's like now that I... Raul, you know, it's just like they're all kind of cool adjacent.
Dylan:
[7:14] Yeah.
Cap:
[7:15] Miniature cool.
Crit:
[7:17] Mini Raul.
Dylan:
[7:18] So there is a set of rope ladders leading to a set of platforms leading up to a cave up above. some of the kobolds are taking the rope ladders and many of them are bouncing around, onto the ledges using the mushrooms. There's a small little waterfall kind of just coming out of the cracks of the wall next to the cave mouth. So it's got this pretty tinkling effect and it's coming down onto blue luminescent mushrooms. So it's giving this waterfall this crystal blue quality reflecting from below. It seems like you can choose to take the ladder or the mushrooms. it's up to you the.
Cap:
[8:08] Mushroom is there a place to tie the horse off down here.
Dylan:
[8:10] Yeah they uh they'll take the horse from you and put it around behind this kind of veil of vines you'll see uh four of them go in and then two of them stand out front and it's they kind of both try to do a simultaneous like stomp guard pose but they they do it off off timing and they're kind of facing in different directions so it's not really you know they're not lined up quite right so.
Crit:
[8:38] They've seen someone do that before.
Dylan:
[8:40] Um yeah and they're just holding those little sticks that oh that's adorable you know so keep.
Cap:
[8:47] Imagining the goblins from labyrinth yeah like very jim henson i want to give them a little.
Crit:
[8:51] Salute to make them feel like legit.
Dylan:
[8:54] That's so cute that's right you got that.
Cap:
[8:57] Horse well yeah Yeah. Thank you.
Crit:
[9:00] Atom boys.
Dylan:
[9:02] Yeah, they chitter and do different style salutes that don't really make sense. Yeah, and then you see like one of them run out and go over to the little stream from the waterfall and then pick up a couple of mushrooms and go running back into the stall. all and uh raul comes up and he's he uh says a great powerful wizardess i uh do not have an easier way we could carry you in a net i we have pulleys we could use oh.
Cap:
[9:41] Do not worry raul i am more than capable of getting myself up that ladder don't you worry.
Dylan:
[9:47] As you wish and he like clicks a few times out towards the uh towards the ladder and it's kind of like a a line splits between all of the the kobolds as they make way for you to get towards the ladder it's.
Cap:
[10:03] Hilarious all right well i will walk through them regally and coolly and i will climb the ladder.
Dylan:
[10:14] Sweet. And Raul turns to Asterisk and says, Arma, would you do me the honor of jumping the mushroom?
Crit:
[10:27] Always.
Cap:
[10:28] It's so cute.
Crit:
[10:29] I feel like he gave me the rose.
Cap:
[10:34] You get to stay in the house.
Dylan:
[10:38] Thea, I don't know if you just want to climb up. You wouldn't have to roll or anything, thing or if you want to um you know make a show of it or try to get up fast um.
Cap:
[10:47] I think she's gonna i think she'll kind of um make a little bit of a show of it like she'll take her time with it her sort of she'll sort of like sway her tail as she like climbs up the the ladder okay.
Dylan:
[10:59] Cool so well you could roll a performance i.
Cap:
[11:03] Could and i shall and.
Dylan:
[11:05] As you were walking through the the press, they were oohing and aahing the more you put into it, basically. 16. Really good audience. Oh, okay, yeah. You're basically getting a reaction from what now seems like hundreds and hundreds of Cold Folds. Probably one of your biggest shows without even realizing it. As you're kind of, you're doing this sexy, you know, And you've got like a scarf that you wrap around your wrist that you're using to like help yourself, but you're kind of sliding it between your legs as you're swinging from one to the next. Oh my God.
Crit:
[11:44] Brokebladder burlesque.
Dylan:
[11:45] Yeah. And yeah, you get a lot of claps and chitters and whistles and cheers. That's how it's done. Yeah. And yeah, you make your way up all the way. And it was a beautiful performance. I'm taking it all in I want to cheer too cause.
Crit:
[12:04] Like vava voom you know.
Dylan:
[12:07] You hear the clanking hands of Asterisk down there, Or she's banging her morning star on the shield.
Crit:
[12:20] Hell yeah.
Dylan:
[12:21] Thanks, Pally.
Crit:
[12:22] Make a ruckus.
Dylan:
[12:23] Yeah. Yeah, it scares a lot of the kobolds around her. They just scatter in a ring.
Cap:
[12:32] That's hilarious.
Dylan:
[12:33] And yeah, so Asterisk, do you want to jump in the mushroom?
Crit:
[12:38] I want to jump in the mushroom, please.
Dylan:
[12:39] All right.
Crit:
[12:40] Please jump in the mushroom.
Dylan:
[12:41] All right, let's see some rules. All right.
Crit:
[12:44] What do you want from me?
Dylan:
[12:46] Well, are you going to inspire? You're already up at the top.
Cap:
[12:50] Yeah, but I don't have to touch her. I can look at her and go, that's how it's done, paladin. And with that, I inspire you.
Crit:
[12:58] Nice. Beautiful. Can I do athletics?
Dylan:
[13:04] Athletics or acrobatics? Whatever you wish.
Crit:
[13:09] I don't need to use it because I have a dirty 20.
Cap:
[13:12] Oh, thank God.
Dylan:
[13:14] Nice. Raul, when he asks if he'll do the honor, he bows and he puts his hand out. And it's a claw. It's a lizard claw. He's got three long fingers and then one little thumb. But his nails are really clean and manicured. Like, pretty surprising. Wow. More than you'd expect on any normal person. So, and do you take his hand?
Crit:
[13:47] Oh, yeah, absolutely. Give me that hand.
Dylan:
[13:49] Yeah. Give me that talent. Yeah, your thumb touches the bottom of his hand, which is rough and feels like, you know, you'd think a crocodile or something out of water would feel like, but his inner palm, very, very soft. Oh. You know, it's like the belly of a fish.
Crit:
[14:08] Oh.
Dylan:
[14:09] You know, that really, really soft and well taken care of, it seems.
Crit:
[14:14] I'm just sitting here feeling his hand, apparently.
Dylan:
[14:17] He doesn't mind. And he leads you towards the mushrooms. And as he leads you, he starts to speed up a bit. And he starts to jog.
Crit:
[14:29] We're going to jump together.
Dylan:
[14:30] And then you're running next to each other. And then he lets go and points over to the right. And then he runs to the left. And there's mushrooms on either side. And you both bound over and jump up. And is there any special tricks you'd like to do on the way up?
Crit:
[14:47] Oh, shit. I don't know. Can we like high five like while we're mushroom jumping?
Dylan:
[14:53] Sure. Yeah.
Cap:
[14:54] Hell yeah.
Dylan:
[14:55] It looks like there's some crisscrossy paths. Yes.
Crit:
[14:59] Yes.
Dylan:
[15:01] And yeah, you rolled a 20. So you leap.
Crit:
[15:05] Or high, high, high, three and a half. In his case.
Dylan:
[15:11] Well, didn't you get a D6 as well with the...
Crit:
[15:16] Yeah, but I can save it.
Dylan:
[15:17] Oh, yeah, you can save it.
Cap:
[15:19] That's true.
Crit:
[15:20] Because I'm going to need it.
Dylan:
[15:22] And so, Thea, looking down at this, you see them start to run up hand in hand and then sprint to either side. And they...
Cap:
[15:30] Oh, she's going to die.
Dylan:
[15:32] Yeah. You see Asterix, her initial running jump is pretty impressive as is she jumps well over 10 feet through you know up and outward onto this mushroom and makes a huge jump off of this this mushroom and springs up about 30 feet and it doesn't look like there's any mushrooms for her to land on where she is but she flies down about 20 feet finding another one. The first jump head towards the inside of the latter area and the second one towards the outside. And you see Asterix turn midair, almost like a swimmer, getting ready to bounce off the wall. She spins and braces herself for this next one where she bounces off another mushroom and starts to go straight towards the center. And as the same time that she does, Raul does the same from his side and they go flying past each other their arms reached out and you hear this very impressive smack as they go by as they high five and land on each other's mushrooms and then bounce the last 20 feet up fuck.
Cap:
[16:59] That was cool.
Crit:
[16:59] Oh my god fuck yeah We made it across Sure did.
Dylan:
[17:07] Buddy My lady armor, that was incredible Likewise.
Crit:
[17:12] That was awesome And great.
Dylan:
[17:15] Seductress, powerful, succubus queen of dark magic Your performance was otherworldly and sensual Much obliged.
Cap:
[17:27] Raoul, thank you.
Dylan:
[17:28] This will be something they will talk about for quite some time. Please follow me. And so it takes you into the cave. And inside this cave, you see a whole lot of mushrooms, like mostly mushrooms in this place. And it's very well lit. And the kobolds have carved little homes in these mushrooms. Wow. And there's some that just look like big hats over the ground where they kind of lift it up and they go under like it's a shell. There's some bigger ones that are your traditional long stem and they've got a little door that seems to go up to like a little ladder. And they built a little terrace there underneath the top. You can't really tell how tall the ceilings are due to the kind of glare of all the mushrooms. But yeah, you see that on many levels, and there's little rope ladders between them, and you see kobolds bouncing and living their little lives. To think, you could have slaughtered all of these people.
Cap:
[18:39] We could have murdered all of them.
Dylan:
[18:41] And you still can't, actually.
Cap:
[18:43] Yeah, I'd be uneasy.
Dylan:
[18:45] I don't want to remove any options from you guys. You could still, they trust you now, actually.
Crit:
[18:51] They're first of blood.
Cap:
[18:52] Joke's on you, Raoul.
Dylan:
[18:54] It might not have found this place otherwise. And you do see kobolds of various duress doing different things, carrying things from one place to another. It looks like what would seem like a little market stall here and there, selling rancid meat and different kinds of things, hair. yeah there's oh yeah hair yeah how much is um no i don't i'm not a full.
Cap:
[19:31] Scalp or half a scalp.
Dylan:
[19:33] Scalp extensions i don't think they're it doesn't really look like they're scalped more they're just ripped off as much as they could and then put into a bag so it's assorted hair it's not exactly uh, excellent excellent fantastic beautiful yeah and you you feel like it looks like food probably Probably, um, You know, potato-like tuber.
Cap:
[19:58] Delicious.
Dylan:
[19:59] Just of strange colors and size. So when you walk by that stand, you know, they chop one of them in half, and it kind of cracks like an egg. So it wasn't really a potato after all.
Cap:
[20:15] Oh, it's upsetting.
Crit:
[20:16] Oh.
Dylan:
[20:16] Yeah.
Cap:
[20:17] You made me upset. Ew.
Dylan:
[20:21] These people seem happy and thriving.
Crit:
[20:23] Good for them. Wow.
Cap:
[20:29] Wow, Q-Town, you got fucking socks.
Crit:
[20:33] This place is great.
Cap:
[20:35] I love that.
Crit:
[20:36] Stay.
Dylan:
[20:38] The smells are rich and bizarre. They waft heavily and linger like an oily cloud in some areas. And you move on to the next. doesn't.
Cap:
[20:54] Smell any worse than your fucking barracks and.
Dylan:
[20:57] Speaking of your barracks asterisk you do you can you spy digits down the road off to the right there's seems to be a little stream of water where there's a bathing pit the bucket um well there's a bucket um there's several buckets and several kobolds um just bathing and you know they're stamping their feet and wiggling their fingers into the water and splashing each other and themselves.
Cap:
[21:26] Good old time.
Dylan:
[21:30] Raul, he's, you know, gesturing as you walk through, like, ah, take it in, take the sights. And, you know, his hands out to the right and to the left. And he takes you up kind of a switchback path. deeper into the cave, and you come across a very large, what looks like three mushrooms that have grown together and form this very large stump and toadstool about, you know, the size of, you know, maybe a small, a small house, you know, he, he turns slowly raising both of his arms as he says, welcome to my palace. And, uh, you see some kobolds come running up from either side as they, uh, they unroll the door.
Cap:
[22:24] Shut up. He's got little servant dudes.
Dylan:
[22:26] Yeah. And they're chittering along and, um, tripping over themselves a little bit. And yeah, the door unrolls weirdly kind of like leather, like they're peeling the skin off of it, but it just opens up to the inside of this door.
Cap:
[22:44] Okay.
Crit:
[22:45] This doorway.
Dylan:
[22:46] Yeah, that makes kind of a sticky tearing noise as it comes off.
Cap:
[22:51] This place is great.
Dylan:
[22:54] And they remove the door roll to the side, and Raul says, come, follow me. And he leads you into his mushroom palace.
Cap:
[23:05] Thank you, Raul.
Crit:
[23:06] Oh my gosh, your home is lovely.
Cap:
[23:10] It is impressive, I can see it is the largest mushroom house here. Mushroom palace, even.
Dylan:
[23:16] T'was my master's. Wow.
Cap:
[23:19] Did you inherit it?
Dylan:
[23:21] Yes. It was also the only one I could fit inside of due to my large size. If you have not noticed, I am built much more powerful and large than all of the others.
Cap:
[23:36] It's hard to miss.
Crit:
[23:37] Yes.
Dylan:
[23:38] He winks at Asterisk. As you guys go in, this is a stairwell that seems to go down. And as you look up and you can see, it's kind of a chandelier thing going on with a bunch of mushrooms growing from the inside of the ceiling of the toadstool. But this is just an entry point to a stairwell that leads downward. And as you go, you descend, some kobolds come running right by your feet, kind of like a cat in a stairway, you know, really fast. And they're carrying torches. So it's like really like jarring and they get out ahead of you and they start lighting torches. So the stairwell starts getting some light and you make it to the bottom and it opens up into a another grotto. This one has a hot spring. It seems bubbling over to the left of you. It has several waterfalls all kind of drippling down, coming through the rocks, all very porous, not really leading. pool around here goes down further awesome you know this.
Cap:
[24:54] However is cool.
Dylan:
[24:55] Yeah you look over and this place has a lot of vines and um uh roots and stuff coming so it seems like there's uh more of the jungle or whatever above you and it's warmer here and uh it's not only just the what seems to be the hot spring, but just the humidity of being maybe under some big trees. And you see what's more like a roofed and not walled area of an assortment of mushrooms that have spots where it looks like there's hammocks and little walls that are more like lean to against poles, but it looks nice in the environment. Uh, it's very simplistic, but the sleeping area just seems to be the least spectacular out of all of it. Um, but you do spy, uh, three hammocks and each of their own little, little rooms.
Cap:
[26:02] Hammocks big enough for us to fit in?
Dylan:
[26:04] Yes. He looks around and he's like, ah, yes, I nearly forgot the, and he starts chittering at one of his guards or servants or whatever they are.
Cap:
[26:21] Little dudes.
Dylan:
[26:22] They go running off. He's like, your sleeping arrangements were a surprise and we are working on it now. They take forever to do this. I told them, of course, before we got here and they have not completed the task.
Cap:
[26:39] Oh, it's all right.
Dylan:
[26:40] What sleeping arrangements do you prefer? Do you sleep upside down by your clawed feet by Dark Queen of the Night?
Cap:
[26:55] God, I wish I could say I did. No, just generally. On my back on something soft is generally preferred.
Dylan:
[27:07] So the hanging bed is fine if it's big enough?
Cap:
[27:11] Yes.
Dylan:
[27:12] Arm?
Crit:
[27:13] Oh, I mean, yeah, that's great. The hammock is great. That's really comfortable compared to what I'm used to, actually.
Cap:
[27:19] That's true. I've seen your bed.
Dylan:
[27:22] Then we share the hammock. well that is my bed oh.
Crit:
[27:26] Okay wait, okay.
Cap:
[27:32] He was just nodding and giving you a thumbs up like yeah girl okay.
Dylan:
[27:36] So you're giving her a thumbs up and um a bunch of kobolds come running in and they're all carrying different things like nets and mushrooms and they run over to where one of the sleeping areas is and they remove the hammock and they lie it down and then they lie down a bunch of mushrooms and they lie another net down and they continue to layer mushrooms and nets down and it seems like they do this about five or six times and they all finish and they they're panting and wiping their foreheads And they look up at Thea expectantly and smiling and gesturing towards this bed they've just crafted you out of mushrooms and nets.
Cap:
[28:30] Ah, yes. Thank you. Let's see. So I'm going to lay down on it on my side, sort of popped up on an elbow to see how that is. I'll see how comfy it is.
Dylan:
[28:43] Uh it sinks a lot more than you initially expected you know uh you're nearly down to your ankles but it doesn't go all the way down to the uh floor um but it does rebound a bit yeah it's it's very bouncy and has a lot of give so um it's just not very well well, it's not very tightly put together. So it's kind of like a pile of these mushrooms. If you're careful and you don't shake around too much, it won't fall off and get too out of sorts or whatever. But yeah, it seems like it'll probably be pretty comfortable once you get a little nook in it.
Cap:
[29:28] Sounds good. We'll work on that. Just going to lay down.
Dylan:
[29:32] Yeah, you wiggle around and you sink in pretty far. um but it's kind of nice it's like you're being hugged uh.
Cap:
[29:39] It's like i'm being squoze yeah squoze it's nice this is the most action i've gotten and god i don't want to think about it.
Dylan:
[29:51] And the nice part is that it's kind of squozing around your ears as well.
Cap:
[29:55] Oh, fucking thank God.
Dylan:
[29:57] Yeah. You don't need a pillow or anything. It's just kind of sink all the way in.
Crit:
[30:01] Oh, that sounds comfortable.
Dylan:
[30:02] Yeah. Like a latex bed.
Cap:
[30:04] Nice. While I lay in the bed, I have that lute with me. And so I just want to fuck with it. I want to just like look at it and shit until I fall asleep.
Dylan:
[30:13] I'm imagining like an amp turning on and just making all those horrible noises. Yeah.
Cap:
[30:21] Listen, I can't hear what y'all are doing, but all you can hear is my sick bass.
Dylan:
[30:25] Yeah.
Cap:
[30:26] Bass.
Crit:
[30:27] Slapping it.
Dylan:
[30:28] Yeah, you're fiddling with it. And it doesn't feel like somebody else's instrument, like some instruments do. But it doesn't feel like yours yet. You know, you haven't really gotten the feel for it, how to sit with it comfortably, like which part of your knee, how you should sit, adjusting the strap. and then playing with the action and all kinds of tuning, that kind of thing, you're going to know the personality of this instrument, but you're really liking everything you come across, every adjustment you make is the finest.
Cap:
[31:06] I am giddy with excitement.
Dylan:
[31:09] So, Asterith, Raoul, he asks, would you like to bathe, Lady Armor?
Crit:
[31:17] Yeah, that sounds right-o.
Dylan:
[31:21] Right-o. And so he starts kind of sauntering over towards the hot spring. And as he does, he's taking off his cowl, his half cape, kind of just discarding it secondhand off the side.
Crit:
[31:42] I personally cannot handle this.
Cap:
[31:43] I need to find a saxophone.
Dylan:
[31:45] Ha ha ha! And, yeah, as he's sauntering, this music starts playing from behind you where Thea is.
Crit:
[31:57] Whoa.
Dylan:
[31:58] And it's this deep and kind of bassy, you know, raunchy at times. She's playing with it. But it's to a rhythm. And Raul is picking up that rhythm. And even as things are being tuned up and tuned down, you can see his body moving. to the sounds as he continues to undress i.
Crit:
[32:20] Gouge out my eyeballs.
Dylan:
[32:25] Nice glad i can't hear that just kidding no take.
Cap:
[32:30] Backs excuse me your eyeballs are gone.
Dylan:
[32:36] And uh he gets down to his his loincloth as he kicks off his uh you know call him chaps i guess, and uh he looks over his shoulder at you as you see the uh the steam from the hot spring has started to envelop him and get this glisten his skin and he uh he looks over his shoulder and winks at you and.
Crit:
[33:04] Calming yeah not yet do.
Dylan:
[33:09] You need help no I got it dolphin your armor dolphin no I'm really gonna take it off by myself don't worry, that's sadder than you think and he uh yeah as you hear the rhythm kind of come to and up pace he undoes his loincloth and swings it over his head and flings it off as he does a smooth jump into the hot spring but not a mushroom jump not a mushroom jump but he bounds awesome.
Crit:
[33:52] Yeah I'll probably like undress turned around.
Dylan:
[33:59] Yeah And then like so I'm.
Crit:
[34:04] Down to like right so she's like hiding basically down to the chastity belt thong right and like her like. cloth wraparound bra and yeah so then she's probably going to shyly walk to the hot spring, and then i'm like as quickly as possible take the top part off and get into the water well.
Dylan:
[34:32] As you approach you notice that like you can't really see much once you're in In the pool, so you can't see more than a silhouette of Raoul.
Crit:
[34:41] Raoul.
Cap:
[34:41] Raoul.
Dylan:
[34:43] And as you get into the water, it's very hot. Very hot.
Crit:
[34:48] Yeah, I'll say.
Dylan:
[34:51] This is pretty hot. In fact, it might be at your limit of how hot it is.
Crit:
[34:57] Theo, I love this.
Cap:
[34:58] Yeah.
Dylan:
[34:59] So you're taking your time getting into it. It's about as hot as you would possibly make a hot bath after you've already been in it. So, you know, you can do it. It's just going to take some time.
Crit:
[35:10] Okay, so I can't just like jump in as quickly.
Dylan:
[35:13] As I want. You could.
Crit:
[35:16] I mean, seems like that's the way.
Dylan:
[35:18] Yeah. Yeah. Just saying, you know, you dipped your toe in. That was the temperature. If you'd like to dive in. Just, you know.
Crit:
[35:26] No, I'm going to have to take my time.
Cap:
[35:29] That's quick like a lobster or slow like a frog, bitch. Your choice.
Crit:
[35:33] Yeah, I think she would go slow like a frog.
Cap:
[35:37] All right.
Dylan:
[35:39] I was kind of hoping you'd just jump in without even checking the temperature. You're fucking hilarious. Screaming. So yeah, you take your time and he waits for you. And if you want, you can roll a performance check to try to take your time sexily. Okay. You know, like you're not just standing there waiting for your ankle to feel it. Yeah, like I'm being cool about it. Yeah, you're like swishing the water. I'm like... Yeah. Shit!
Cap:
[36:13] Roll for cool, bitch. Roll for cool. Fuck, kid, fuck.
Dylan:
[36:16] And I'll give you... Do you want to use your bardic inspiration? Because the music is playing.
Cap:
[36:25] Yeah.
Dylan:
[36:26] Well, I mean, we'll see if you need it. Yeah, I'm going to need that. Because this bitch can't perform.
Crit:
[36:34] That makes it a 19.
Dylan:
[36:36] Thank you.
Crit:
[36:38] Thank you.
Dylan:
[36:39] Dang.
Crit:
[36:40] Really, the bardic inspiration saved it.
Dylan:
[36:42] So, you turn every step onto a sharp rock into scalding hot water into something graceful and swirling and sexy. It is quite a feat, as you may have thought you'd embarrass yourself coming into this just from the way you undressed and started getting in. But you're really feeling that rhythm there with Thea playing her new instrument. Yeah, the rhythm of it's helping you get in.
Crit:
[37:20] Yeah, it's probably something to focus on other than how fucking hot the water is.
Dylan:
[37:24] Yeah, it does help. And, you know, once you're, you know, thigh deep, you can get to that, you know, soldier mindset of stealing yourself and just going with it. And so you make your way all the way in. and glide a bit further as it gets deeper. As you get further in, Raul starts coming into view as he gets closer to you.
Crit:
[37:51] Hey.
Dylan:
[37:52] Raul reaches out and puts his hands out in front of him, his palms up. He takes your hands.
Crit:
[38:05] Oh, great. Oh, cool.
Dylan:
[38:06] Looking into your eyes. It's difficult to make out the expressions on his face.
Crit:
[38:12] It is difficult to make out.
Dylan:
[38:14] Because he's a different species altogether. He is a kobold. But he does have very beautiful golden eyes.
Crit:
[38:23] Oh, cool.
Dylan:
[38:23] The lights glowing from underneath give off a whitish-blue hue underneath you, and it highlights the brass and gold of his slitted reptilian eyes.
Crit:
[38:44] You know, Raul, there's something really special about you.
Dylan:
[38:46] Oh?
Crit:
[38:48] Yeah, I don't know. No, just I'm really glad that we met yesterday and that it turned out well.
Dylan:
[38:54] Same, Lady Alma. May I know your name?
Crit:
[39:00] Of course. I'm called Asteris.
Dylan:
[39:03] Ah, like the finest music in my ears.
Crit:
[39:07] That's pretty good music. Yeah, she's really good. She just got that instrument, too.
Dylan:
[39:13] He um he takes his hand and uh moves one of them up your forearm and up along your shoulder and he pulls you closer and he whispers in your ear your name is beautiful i like calling you armor but tonight i call you amor and you feel his tongue come out with a hot breath wrapping around your ear. Once, twice, and then tickling the inside.
Cap:
[39:51] She's dead. You've killed her.
Dylan:
[39:54] I want to run away.
Crit:
[39:57] I really want to.
Cap:
[40:00] Bitch, it's called slash and fuck. This is the fuck part.
Crit:
[40:03] What did I get myself into?
Cap:
[40:08] Put your monster fucking money where your mouth is and fuck this monster.
Dylan:
[40:14] I do it I have sex with him I.
Cap:
[40:20] Do it I have, I
Dylan:
[40:26] Have sex with him, Theo has.
Cap:
[40:34] Been nothing but the best wingman.
Dylan:
[40:37] And this.
Cap:
[40:39] Is what you do.
Crit:
[40:47] What are you gonna.
Dylan:
[40:49] Do Thea seems frustrated Thea can hear all this, yeah the sound carries really well over the water and into the cave obviously you're like wow the acoustics in here are amazing and then you hear everything that's going on between them.
Cap:
[41:10] I'm just like fucking are you kidding me so.
Dylan:
[41:15] Yeah uh thea you hear a lot of screaming um.
Cap:
[41:21] That better be good screaming.
Dylan:
[41:22] Right yeah when it gets quiet.
Crit:
[41:25] That's when you know all.
Dylan:
[41:26] Right yeah and so there is a fade to black moment and.
Crit:
[41:32] Well let's see i'm thinking astris probably does like hand stuff off.
Dylan:
[41:39] Oh, no, you don't get to narrate this one. You're very, well, you are a changed woman.
Crit:
[41:47] Yes, but like.
Dylan:
[41:48] In a lot of ways. I'll tell you the cliff notes. Your body was explored in ways you didn't know were possible with a tongue that can do, manipulate things like a hand can. At speeds faster than any hand. What? You know, the long and the short of it is that you're frustrated. and so is he.
Crit:
[42:13] Cool.
Dylan:
[42:14] And boy, did he, when you got to it, and he said, what is this? And you told him, he was convinced that he'd be able to get it off of you. He's seen a million of these things, contraptions, locks. He can open any lock, finest locksmith in the land, and didn't succeed. I just hate.
Crit:
[42:40] For it to all be about that you know.
Dylan:
[42:43] No it's not all about that that's the part that's going to be like skipped is the like you know ranch and welder's glasses and all you know the whole thing.
Crit:
[42:55] He becomes an artificer for this.
Cap:
[42:58] Yeah you've changed the trajectory of.
Crit:
[43:01] His life really useful NPC.
Dylan:
[43:05] Yeah But we can do the whole thing and you'll get some roles and stuff. Because why not? Why not have roles in the sex scenes?
Crit:
[43:21] Yeah, that seems right. What am I rolling?
Dylan:
[43:29] Make a dexterity check. Cool.
Crit:
[43:35] A dirty 20.
Dylan:
[43:36] All right. And then a constitution.
Cap:
[43:42] Give me the pink one.
Crit:
[43:43] Give me the pink one. 13.
Dylan:
[43:47] All right. Yeah, those will do for now. So, Thea, as you're, you know, hearing everything. Yeah, you're hearing a lot of interesting noises, a lot of mouth noises. Splashing. And, uh. And then you hear, you know, a lot of gasping and really good noises and stuff like that. But then you hear Asterix burst out laughing, like dying of laughing and immediately abruptly stops. And then about five minutes later, you hear the breathing and the sighing start again.
Cap:
[44:31] Excellent.
Dylan:
[44:32] What did you do? yeah and you know it gets hot and heavy and then you know fade to black um so yeah you wake up uh, almost to the last layer of mushrooms and in pretty much a full cocoon of these mushrooms So you're going to have to paw your way out a bit or writhe coming out of a cocoon or something will wiggle out. You know, you can't tell the time it is same light as it was when you went to bed. You feel rested. Your body doesn't hurt, you know, as nice sleep as weird as the bed was. and you look over and you see Asterix who's just starting to open her eyes Raoul is nowhere to be seen he's.
Cap:
[45:27] Inventing the blowtorch.
Dylan:
[45:29] Yeah left you a note my dear armor I have left you for a quest, amazing you said I was.
Crit:
[45:41] A changed woman did I level up? did we level up?
Dylan:
[45:44] Oh you're not that changed not yet Should.
Crit:
[45:48] Have gone all the way.
Dylan:
[45:50] Yeah, so, Asterix, you're starting to wake up, and you're in your hammock, and Rel is not next to you. But you see Thea. Looks like she's up and about. She waves at you.
Crit:
[46:05] Thank you for... Thank you.
Cap:
[46:08] Good morning.
Crit:
[46:10] I should have asked more questions. Oh.
Cap:
[46:15] I could tell. you don't know what you don't.
Crit:
[46:21] Know you know.
Cap:
[46:22] That is that is true did you at least have fun oh.
Crit:
[46:25] Yeah it was good fun.
Cap:
[46:27] Oh fantastic i'm so glad so glad.
Dylan:
[46:30] I had fun right yeah okay yeah just just the thought of it hard roll for fun just just the thought of it hardens your nipples, specifically they got a lot of play last night oh cool.
Crit:
[46:42] Cool cool yeah.
Cap:
[46:43] That's fair it was one of the only things that were touchable.
Dylan:
[46:46] Available yeah very intense tongue but you uh you got used to it it's.
Crit:
[46:52] Cool that sounds just fine.
Dylan:
[46:54] So you guys are just talking to each other and laughing about the night before and uh raul comes in and uh trailing him are two kobolds carrying trays serving trays with what looks like plates of food on it. ah you have waken and he uh bows to the uh like uh your your darkness and uh looks over to, uh asterisks and he's like you must have an appetite at both of you.
Dylan:
[47:36] And uh he like come eat and uh the cobbles just lift the trays up over their heads and bow their heads on the trays what looks like um just assortment of different leaves the things you've seen like passing in ivy leaves and flowers stuff like that and then on top of that are some shrimp like creatures insects can't quite tell they've been cooked thoroughly um so it kind of looks charred almost barbecued but they're uh some pretty large uh almost lobster size um shelled creatures and uh there are some what you think are they kind of look like dumplings but they're mushrooms they don't they're not glowing mushrooms and um one of those potatoes Potatoes that you saw yesterday is there, uncracked.
Crit:
[48:45] Uncracked potato eggs.
Dylan:
[48:47] Yeah.
Cap:
[48:48] Oh.
Dylan:
[48:49] So those are your options there.
Cap:
[48:52] Probably going to eat the barbecued bug lobster.
Dylan:
[48:56] Yeah.
Crit:
[48:56] Well, they're probably good together, right?
Dylan:
[48:59] Maybe, I mean, they're served together.
Crit:
[49:00] Yeah, it seems like... bug on the dumpling and then he cracked the egg on the both for the like the umami right.
Dylan:
[49:09] Yeah go ahead um asterisk is stacking uh all the food she didn't hesitate she's like okay and just started putting them on top of one another uh there's enough for both of you if you wanted to do that um yeah cracking this egg is uh tough you notice the the kobold at the market used a meat cleaver to crack it oh shit cool um but you could you could roll a strength check No.
Crit:
[49:33] I mean, I could do it with my knife.
Dylan:
[49:35] Yeah.
Crit:
[49:35] If that works, yeah. Was that like an attack?
Dylan:
[49:39] Just a...
Crit:
[49:40] I attack the egg.
Cap:
[49:42] Attack the egg.
Dylan:
[49:43] Either an attack or like a strength check, whatever's higher.
Crit:
[49:48] 21.
Dylan:
[49:49] All right, you hit.
Crit:
[49:51] I hit it.
Dylan:
[49:52] You pull out your knife and you just chop straight through this thing. Fuck yeah. And...
Crit:
[49:57] I heard it's phalanx too.
Dylan:
[50:00] Yeah, it's kind of like an egg. Now that you're holding it, it looks like egg yolk and egg whites coming out of it. The shell is kind of like a coconut on the inside. It just gets more upsetting. Yeah, the outside is kind of like brown and hairy and got little things. You know, like a potato.
Crit:
[50:22] Hairy.
Dylan:
[50:23] You just put it all together and eat up?
Crit:
[50:25] Yeah, I would try a bite of it and then probably eat up.
Dylan:
[50:30] It's not great. no but uh you've had worse food out on the field or whatever yeah it's you can tell there's enough in it to make you full and give you enough energy and um you're using sort of the soldier's resolve again to muscle through this one so put it all together and.
Crit:
[50:51] Then forget about it.
Dylan:
[50:52] Yeah so yeah you see her just start chowing this thing down she like takes a bite swallows it closes her eyes and then just starts eating it even faster.
Cap:
[51:04] Well, I don't think they have piled everything up like that. So she's probably just like eating the lobster bits and then eating the bun bits and probably not going to touch that egg.
Dylan:
[51:14] Yeah. Yeah, it's not great. It's not very good. It's pretty disappointing and watery. The lobster bits could have been cooked more somehow and could definitely use some salt. The dumpling mushroom, kind of a bland steamed mushroom, whatever, but it's food.
Cap:
[51:36] Takes up room in the stomach. That's all I'm looking for right now.
Dylan:
[51:40] And, yeah, you guys chow down.
Crit:
[51:42] Better than rations.
Dylan:
[51:45] And just add a tapeworm to your character sheet. Tapeworm.
Crit:
[51:50] Oh, can I get a mini for my tapeworm?
Dylan:
[51:52] Yeah.
Cap:
[51:53] Yes.
Dylan:
[51:54] Yeah, you guys finish up, and Raul asks you, Please, I know that you are merely passing through, but I must ask, Armor, Estrus Lady, Lady, where is it that you intend, where is it you go?
Crit:
[52:12] Well, I don't really have a home anymore, so I'm not sure.
Dylan:
[52:17] You're traveling together.
Crit:
[52:20] Yeah.
Cap:
[52:21] Yeah, I'm trying to find someone, and Asteris is my bodyguard.
Dylan:
[52:28] Rowell looks at both of you even more surprised, and he says, a great sorceress such as yourself, needing a bodyguard, you are quite the pair. You must be safe in your travels with how much power you hold.
Cap:
[52:49] So far, so good.
Dylan:
[52:50] Well, is it somewhere you seek here? Perhaps I could tell you some advices.
Cap:
[52:58] I'm looking for a way to get to Oberon's court.
Dylan:
[53:05] You hear kind of the chittering that you didn't really notice in the background stop when you say Oberon's court, but just for a few seconds, and then they start again. Raoul looks at you gravely. You would go willingly to the Oberon. He is powerful and scary.
Cap:
[53:27] Scary well i also am quite scary so i feel as though perhaps he might not be so scary to me do you know the direction that this scary witch can find him yes.
Dylan:
[53:46] Of course uh of course someone of your powerful stature would be in search of some but just as powerful. I can tell you which way to go and then which way not to go. That is all I can do.
Crit:
[54:06] That sounds like exactly how to get there.
Cap:
[54:08] It is more information than we have now, so I'll be very grateful for whatever you have, Raoul.
Dylan:
[54:15] Raoul nods, and then we prepare. We leave soon.
Cap:
[54:21] You're coming with us?
Dylan:
[54:22] I don't know. You're more than welcome.
Cap:
[54:24] I just didn't know.
Dylan:
[54:25] I do not know if my kind could survive without me here. Much to ponder. Armor, do you wish for me to go with?
Crit:
[54:34] I mean, I think you'd be wonderful to have on our travels, but I understand if you have a duty to your people. I understand having a duty.
Dylan:
[54:44] I shall think on this. He leaves to go get ready for traveling.
Crit:
[54:49] Hell yeah.
Cap:
[54:51] Cool. Raul. Raul.
Dylan:
[54:55] And you guys, I assume, start to get ready?
Crit:
[54:58] Yeah.
Dylan:
[54:59] Okay, so you guys get ready, and Raul returns. turns he is being flanked by half a dozen kobolds who are all yelling at him in their language and he swishes his hand down as a movement of dismissal and finality and they all shut up and run off he says where i take you it is a dangerous i do not think you can't handle whatever is ahead but I must warn there is a direct way a more direct way to get within the realm of the Oberon and they go silent again when he says the name for a second but he must be good at the mushroom jumping I take you to where the The path starts and he starts to take you into another cave that leads out of his domain up a little area and through some other caves. And it seems like you're coming up through the earth and the roots that I mentioned before.
Dylan:
[56:15] As you keep going, it's less and less rocky and more and more earth-like and roots surround you. You ascend into a spiral staircase on the inside of a wooden tower from what you can see.
Dylan:
[56:36] Um oh well putting two and two together uh it seemed like you were coming up underneath a tree and this may be the inside of the tree fucking.
Crit:
[56:50] Cool oh so we're like above ground or.
Dylan:
[56:53] Soon will be and the staircase is made of gnarles of wood and branches that come out and uh interspersed with mushrooms. These aren't the bouncy, glowing kind that you can tell, but the flat, pancake-looking ones that grow on trees.
Cap:
[57:20] Turkey tails.
Dylan:
[57:21] Turkey tails.
Crit:
[57:22] Mmm, cool.
Dylan:
[57:23] Very solid, and creates this staircase.
Crit:
[57:27] I love it here.
Dylan:
[57:28] As you ascend, you get glimpses of outside through little knots in the wood. And at every turn and knot as you go, the world changes from night to day, hot to cold. You go up another 20 minutes walking and eventually Raul stops. And he stops in front of one of those knots in the wood. and he says this is the first direction you should go and he um knocks on the knot in sort of a rattling fashion in a weird rhythm almost like the sound of a tree falling that like.
Dylan:
[58:20] And the knot opens up like a door swinging outward. When you walk out, you see a... The ground beneath you is a tree branch coming out of the tree here, a very large one. As you step out on either side of you, it seems that this tree is much, much larger than what seems on the inside. And out ahead, you see the branch give way to more canopy and what seems to be branch turning into dirt, road, and foliage, and leading into a very heavy canopy of what looks to be a swamp. Very similar to the image of the swamp you saw at the three-way trail when you first got here. Raul points further in, and he says, Don't trust the lights. They are not like the mushroom lights here. Now, I tell you where not to go. He points down over towards the bog, the marsh-looking area.
Dylan:
[59:42] As you're looking, you're like, that's the only path, right? It's the only way. there is a branching path that seems to open up before your eyes like uh leaves unfolding he nods and just keeps pointing towards the place you shouldn't go he says i cannot go with you to this oberon i hope that when you or if you are leaving you come through again perhaps Perhaps, perhaps I come with you if you find me. Otherwise, armor, I will be looking for you. And he takes Astrid's hand and kisses it as best as he can.
Crit:
[1:00:28] His little lizard lips.
Dylan:
[1:00:30] Yeah, his little lizard lips. And he licks his eye. And then he kisses your hand, and then he sniffs a bit. He has a tear, and he whips his head and walks back through the... the knot as it closes behind him oh.
Cap:
[1:00:57] Till we.
Crit:
[1:00:59] Meet again roll i.
Cap:
[1:01:00] Try to get one more chorus of raul from all the little dudes you got.
Dylan:
[1:01:05] One right as the door cut.
Cap:
[1:01:06] Amazing amazing.
Crit:
[1:01:08] He's so cool.
Cap:
[1:01:10] All right so i guess so i guess this branch is big enough for the horse to be on i guess it's a real big ass thing yep.
Dylan:
[1:01:17] It's a weird place you're in.
Cap:
[1:01:19] All right yeah sure whatever like cool The knot that.
Dylan:
[1:01:22] You had to duck through got bigger as you got close to it.
Crit:
[1:01:26] Oh, cool.
Cap:
[1:01:26] That makes sense. That sounds normal. That's fine.
Dylan:
[1:01:30] As you venture forward, it becomes more apparent. And the scene around you shifts to become more of a swamp. And once you get further in and you turn back towards the tree, all you see is more swamp just.
Cap:
[1:01:52] Like before here.
Dylan:
[1:01:54] You can hear a chorus of frogs and insects and birds loons things off in the distance um ever-present insect and frog noises you go ahead head and as the path starts to branch to the left you see some of those wisps approaching from the front path path not to go down and they zip up to you and they stop about 10 feet away and they start bouncing up and down swirling around each other and they're looking like they're really excited and it's almost like you can hear a chittering in the back of your head and it kind It kind of makes you giggle and makes you want to go play with them.
Cap:
[1:02:42] Ravel said not to trust these lights.
Dylan:
[1:02:45] They're bouncing forward, then bouncing back, and kind of giving you this feeling like, let's go that way.
Cap:
[1:02:52] I'm going to stay the course and not be swayed by the adorable bouncing lights.
Dylan:
[1:02:56] Nah. Well, give me a little will save then.
Cap:
[1:03:00] Oh, okay. Okay, that's good.
Crit:
[1:03:03] Oh, that's wisdom, right?
Dylan:
[1:03:04] Sorry, with advantage. Okay.
Crit:
[1:03:08] Can I use that?
Cap:
[1:03:10] Okay. 19.
Dylan:
[1:03:13] Yeah, you could use that other one if you wanted to.
Crit:
[1:03:15] 15.
Dylan:
[1:03:16] All right, yeah. Yeah, you definitely, especially since you were just warned, you were like, no, okay. Yeah. That's crazy.
Crit:
[1:03:26] Step off.
Dylan:
[1:03:27] You both felt it. You both look at each other like, ooh, okay. And you start walking away down the left path. the lights move back and forth on their path but don't follow you but they seem disappointed poor buddies they just want to play you guys want to play?
Crit:
[1:03:48] Play forever I like to play with my food don't.
Cap:
[1:03:52] You want to play?
Dylan:
[1:03:54] No
Cap:
[1:03:55] I'm good fucking creepy bullshit I've seen movies I'm a bard I've heard the stories we.
Crit:
[1:04:02] Were warned and if we that makes it extra bad.
Dylan:
[1:04:06] Thea let me get another insight please okay.
Cap:
[1:04:13] That's and that's just oh okay wait okay 17.
Dylan:
[1:04:18] Sweet yeah you notice the uh, the figurine or the statue that you have stashed betwixt your breasts is warmer once you stepped onto this path started walking and you noticed that it was warm but thinking back on it like every time you've held it as you've come into the fey wild or the fey north uh it's gotten progressively warmer so you think that might be a sign okay hot potato yeah Hot potato.
Crit:
[1:04:55] But not an egg potato.
Cap:
[1:04:58] But not an egg potato. Yeah. Okay, yeah. All right. It's warmer. This is good.
Dylan:
[1:05:04] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:05:05] This way.
Cap:
[1:05:06] Can y'all believe sweet little virgin Asterisk was the first one of us to get some? I, for one, am proud of her. Let us know if you're also proud of her by rating and subscribing to our silly, sexy little podcast. As always, thank you for listening. We release our episodes every other Monday. And with that, my very fine listeners, I'll see you next time when Thea finally meets her patron, maybe.