Astris and Thea take a leap of faith and end up being courted by two very powerful entities. Thea finally gets that itch scratched.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Crit and Dylan:
[0:37] All right we're back with another episode of slash and fuck hell yeah welcome back and as we left off in the last session you guys woke up in the kobold camp in the mushroom cave raul escorted you guys up and out of the cave into a tree that led to a branch that led to a path on the path you saw some will-o'-wisps that uh tempted you you uh both noticed that raul seemed very put out that you were leaving and where you were going um my buddy you know he can't go with you and uh you noticed the flamboyant and blusterous Raoul wouldn't really say Oberon's name too loudly when you said you were looking at him. He's like, oh, Oberon. That guy. You guys made an ally out of him and the kobolds. Could I have a trinket, something to remember him by? A lucky kobold foot? Well, I have a lock Like a lock of Eska's hair, right? Just some kind of serial killer type memento.
Cap:
[1:59] Yeah, just some sort of like, you know, toenail or lock of hair.
Crit and Dylan:
[2:04] Like their favorite hoodie or something. A bag of pubes. Exactly, that totally normal version.
Cap:
[2:10] A totally normal version of a bag of pubes.
Crit and Dylan:
[2:14] All right, so you guys brought a horse, and you left Raoul behind. He mentioned not trusting the wisps, and you didn't, and you continued on. Onward.
Cap:
[2:27] To adventure!
Crit and Dylan:
[2:28] To adventure! That's right. So as you both and the horse venture down this path that you previously remember being described, uh change before your very eyes um into uh more of a sandy path that you would um imagine.
Crit and Dylan:
[2:49] Finding uh like some dunes or maybe a beach or the uh plants give way into grasses and hardier stuff but there are you know sand banks on the sides of the path as you continue further and as you crest the ridge by the way it's very bright the sun the the sky isn't blue it's white and uh there isn't really like a light source like the sun is just kind of bright everywhere and it's it's like if high noon was like um in six different directions directly above you Oh my god.
Crit and Dylan:
[3:59] Tips it's all very flat looking top of this ridge that you're looking out over yeah looking around to the left and the right uh the the sand dunes seem to go off into forever um to either side of you and uh so too does that wooded area like you're coming across a zone line or something like that a very poorly done zone line and cross yeah and so as you guys keep getting closer like you've noticed before sometimes the paths that seem like you know 10 miles straight ahead start to warp as you go down and through and it gets closer to you as you walk this is another one of those times you're making your way up as this path narrows a bit and becomes earthen and, takes you up to a, uh, an incline that keeps getting a bit steeper as you're walking. Nothing.
Crit and Dylan:
[5:10] Super difficult to walk on, but it does keep getting steeper and steeper and, uh, you're getting out of breath going up there. Um, you guys take your time and don't rush it, but it is uh you know very steep incline and when you get to the top it's almost like the top of a skate ramp or something where it just levels off and uh the horse is tired and pissed off, did not like walking up that kind of hill especially that slowly but when you get your bearings and you start looking around uh at the top of this hill you're seeing out in front of of you the tops of all of these trees that look like they had been sheared off and there's a very large forest below you which sounds like it's very active with trees and animals and water running and things like that and uh they're at the the tops of these trees and they're all kind of.
Crit and Dylan:
[6:16] Patterned together like uh like a vineyard almost um and the tops of these trees are actually you notice all these trees are hollow very large you know let's say 10 to 20 feet across uh pretty crazy uh not really sure what these are for and as you're looking around you look down below you what you see is over the side or the edge of this there's kind of a cliff that you're looking i want to say it at least 100 feet down is a bunch of the some of those mushrooms that That you've seen in the cave.
Cap:
[6:55] Oh, shit.
Crit and Dylan:
[6:57] And, um... You can't tell if they're growing on the ground or the side of the cliff face that you're staring down. But they're massive, bigger than the ones you saw in the cave. And it's a really long drop. But you do remember Raul mentioning that it's not a very safe journey and you're going to have to be very good with jumping the mushroom. So as you're considering and looking down, you're like, hmm, okay, all right. And you're like staring at yourself, all your stuff. You're staring at the horse. In between your breasts, the idol warms. And it looks like it starts to rain. But only...
Cap:
[7:45] On my boobs?
Crit and Dylan:
[7:46] Not just on your boobs. No, not on you, actually. It's raining just out in the center above one of these trees. And you can see this shadow that the cloud is casting, even though this cloud seems quite vapor-like, rather than a thick rain cloud.
Cap:
[8:07] Okay.
Crit and Dylan:
[8:07] Shimmers a bit. But it is casting shadow and casting rain upon one of the trees. Okay.
Cap:
[8:20] I think that's our tree then.
Crit and Dylan:
[8:23] Um what's our what's our vector could we reach that tree from here with yeah like the mushroom jump get doable um it looks like certain death, awesome it um to your eyes this is well if i land on that mushroom i'm at least going to to shatter my legs and you know go through it at best land on the on the bottom um and the distance that one would need to go say if the mushroom does take your weight and springs you upward, would have to be something like a 200 300 feet out and you're coming from at least 100 foot drop okay.
Cap:
[9:07] Whatever fuck the shit the is going to take all the crap off the ass of the horse and she's She's going to throw it over the side of the fucking thing. Look at the idol and go, do you fucking see? And she's going to show. Do you see what I've done? Slap the horse on the ass and say, get the fuck out of here, buddy. Don't get eaten.
Crit and Dylan:
[9:24] Yeah, it's kind of crazy. You, you're like, you see, see what I've done? What you've made me do? And you slap the horse and it goes like walking off and gives you a sad, like, are you sure? Look. And you're like, I, you know, not, can't deal with this. And Asterix, you're watching this whole thing and you're like, oh no. And behind Thea, as she like slaps the horse and watches it walk off, You see all the stuff she threw over the side of the cliff ascending and bouncing in an arc that's going seemingly all together into the trunk that's getting rained on.
Cap:
[10:09] She's going to take the idol and she's going to look at it. She's going to look at that. Jaw absolutely dropped. She's going to look back at the idol and go, you cheeky motherfucker. All right. i'm coming do it and she puts it back in her tits and is like all right bitch let's play are.
Crit and Dylan:
[10:31] We mushroom jumping.
Cap:
[10:31] Oh i'm good this is how i die i'm gonna die getting to daddy uh all right oh god all right i don't i don't love a plus three to that but let's ride, don't love it but let's go or.
Crit and Dylan:
[10:49] You know um asterisk could help maybe um Um, maybe you can jump at the same time.
Cap:
[10:57] I could spot you.
Crit and Dylan:
[10:59] Like, you know, whatever would make you feel more confident.
Cap:
[11:01] Hold my hand, Astrid.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:04] Let's go at the same time. I love that. And that way we can count off and, like, you know, get our timing good.
Cap:
[11:13] One. Two.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:16] Two.
Cap:
[11:19] Three.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:20] All right. So. All right.
Cap:
[11:29] Okay. Okay. Okay. It could be worse. It could be worse. 14.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:35] 24.
Cap:
[11:36] Yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:38] So you both hold hands and jump at the same time. And this is horrific. You just jumped off a cliff and it becomes very apparent and terrifying. Suddenly.
Cap:
[11:52] Screaming the whole way.
Crit and Dylan:
[11:53] The wind is whipping up and your clothes are slapping you in the face.
Cap:
[11:59] My skirt flies up.
Crit and Dylan:
[12:00] And you're just falling faster and faster and faster. You see the mushroom coming up at you at great speed. And right when you impact it's as if you just kind of gotten caught in a big rubber or like a bungee cord type situation and you sink sink into this mushroom um and asterisk is nearly breaking all of your fingers uh holding you tight just as you think like this mushroom can't really take much more and you're hearing a stretching and pulling noises and almost like a tearing, it shoots you back upwards and still screaming. Yeah, you're still screaming. And, uh, this time it's harder to scream cause the air is going into your mouth now. And before when you were, um, falling and going faster and faster down, it seems you're accelerating somehow, um, upwards and this arc takes you up very high much higher than you thought it would take you this is not a long arc this is a very high, high pointed arc that you're taking and you bust through cloud cover, you get a glimpse around, in fact give me a perception check.
Cap:
[13:30] 9 i'm too scared to see shit.
Crit and Dylan:
[13:34] Oh that's fine apparently plus three oh you rolled it yeah 17, um thea is having a hard time noticing her surroundings.
Crit and Dylan:
[13:50] Falling and ascending is not something she's used to and it's not something that asterisk is used to either but asterisk has been trained specifically to look for the details when things get rough. And while you guys are what seems to be at your highest point, Asterisk looks around a little bit and sees what looks like a, like a children's board game, but can't quite see the edges, but things are sectioned here and checkered. And, uh, you're, you're looking around and you see all these different, uh, Near the borders of things, it's shifting like a snake and it's blending together. And it looks to you like where you've been mostly traveling has been along the borders of things and popping in and out into other ones. Now, as you're beginning your descent, Asteris, you notice kind of a shriek on the wind that you didn't notice earlier.
Crit and Dylan:
[15:06] Well sorry it's not thea's shriek on the wind uh yeah there's thea shrieking next to you holding your hand and now it feels like she's gonna break your hand god um uh you hear another shriek but this one sounds more uh animalistic and uh you recognize it a bit and it sounds like glasswing.
Crit and Dylan:
[15:32] And you're looking around, and you can't quite find where it is. And then you look and just see what looks like a shadow that's shrinking, and just a bit of a flap of a wing that you assume is a dragon within the shadow that's shrinking. And as you're falling, you're seeing the shadow shrink, and you swear, just before you lose sight of it, you see a smile in the shadow somehow. And when you see that smile, it feels like it sees you and you get the strangest feeling of vulnerability and humiliation as if you're in trouble, as if, you know, the mother of your orphanage is tearing you a new one in front of everybody. Everybody and just as it leaves sight it got that feeling goes away and you look over to thea.
Crit and Dylan:
[16:32] And uh her lips and her mouth are full of air and flapping and her eyelids are kind of going all over the place and it doesn't seem like she thought unsexy and then you notice that you are about to go right into the trunk of this tree. All right, you enter the hole, and the feeling of falling kind of catches. You don't feel like you stop as if you landed, but you feel like you might be floating. You can't see anything. If you look above, you can see the white sky above you. It gets smaller and smaller and ends up looking like a moon. As you descend, you see clouds.
Crit and Dylan:
[17:24] Fluffy, almost like you could touch them, like cotton clouds that you push through and it puffs away in bits and pieces. You start to hear crickets and frogs and nature.
Crit and Dylan:
[17:40] You softly, very softly, land. Land as you land you see what you land upon which is this open flower large purple flower and it's um just very softly moving its petals in like a as if it were underwater a light breeze is hitting it and the flower gives off a light around you and you're looking around what looks to be in sort of a glade at night and in the sky you see hundreds thousands of the same shape little moons all above you whoa and uh the scene around you starts to take more shape and you see weeping willow trees scattered and this beautiful, long, glossy, dark green grass that slick with dew surrounds you. And do you guys want to stand up? Get up off this flower?
Cap:
[18:56] Yeah, yeah. Whoa. This is surreal.
Crit and Dylan:
[19:02] Yeah, I, uh, are we underground? Is this?
Cap:
[19:07] Your guess is as good as mine.
Crit and Dylan:
[19:10] The idol is warmer now.
Cap:
[19:13] Oh, well.
Crit and Dylan:
[19:14] In the right place?
Cap:
[19:16] It's warmer, so I think so.
Crit and Dylan:
[19:19] As you guys stand up and gather yourselves and look around, you can hear and see creatures approaching out of the dimness. From your dark vision outside of the light this flower is giving off it looks like deer or something and they're approaching softly it doesn't seem like they're sneaking or anything but they're approaching directly towards you, And do you guys just wait or do you say anything or do you hide or pull your weapons or anything like that?
Cap:
[19:53] How many are there?
Crit and Dylan:
[19:55] Seems like there's two.
Cap:
[19:57] Oh, okay.
Crit and Dylan:
[19:58] Two deer? Yeah. They're just coming right at us. Yeah, slowly walking towards you.
Cap:
[20:05] Mosey. I'm going to be like, hello there, friends.
Crit and Dylan:
[20:12] Well, as you are seeing them approach, you're not quite in the like, hey, how are you? But their shape becomes more clear and they are humanoid up top and deer-like from their waist down. Um with four deer legs a deer body and a feminine upper half um with hair of vines and leaves and as they become as they get closer um you notice that the leaves and the vines uh grow in and around outside of the hair and through piercings and other parts that are just, you know, in her shoulders, nipples. Um, but these are, um, what looks like thorn piercings and the, uh, the vines and leaves of her hair is threaded through and patterns, um, all over their, their torsos and down onto their deer halves. How neat.
Crit and Dylan:
[21:22] Their skin is sort of a pastel blue, but a midnight in a way. It glows a bit in the gloom. They approach seemingly unafraid and they walk up to you and they both.
Crit and Dylan:
[21:47] Bow in a way where they're one little leg of their deer goes down, you know, and the other leg goes forward and then they do a little curtsy up top. That's so cute.
Cap:
[21:59] Yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[21:59] And, uh, they say, welcome chosen one. Oh, he waits for you.
Cap:
[22:11] Oh, uh, thank you so much for coming to greet me. Paladin, Melodin, would you grab my bags?
Crit and Dylan:
[22:19] Of course, my lady. She must wait. You bitches. We thank you.
Cap:
[22:30] She must wait?
Crit and Dylan:
[22:33] We thank you, Astris, for protecting our chosen. We thank you, Astris, for escorting our chosen. but you cannot go any further not.
Cap:
[22:49] Here ever or just today i'm.
Crit and Dylan:
[22:53] Not just gonna leave her, hold up.
Cap:
[22:59] They're trying to split the dream team these fucking hot tricksy bitches, well i mean like listen maybe they're just trying to like sequester you off for some like really hot sapphic deer orgy.
Crit and Dylan:
[23:15] That's totally fine. I can wait here and when you're done with your orgy, we can reconvene, right? That's how we make sure that we're both okay. Alright. The dryads, spoilers, the dryads, say to you, they're speaking in unison, by the way. They're both saying this at the same time. Same cadence and everything. Anko Insei Oak does not permit mortals, unless specifically chosen, to enter his court. Oh, that's fine. I can wait here and then... You will not be separated forever. That still sounds ominous.
Cap:
[24:09] Is there... Can... And the Chosen make a plea?
Crit and Dylan:
[24:16] The Guardian of our Chosen is very special indeed and held in high regard. She has much use ahead of her with the Chosen.
Cap:
[24:26] Okay. You'll take her to lodgings and she'll have a room and food and safety?
Crit and Dylan:
[24:35] Yes. She will stay.
Cap:
[24:38] Okay um uh thank you just uh let me um uh just uh say a brief goodbye to my paladin real quick i'll be right back ladies and so i'm uh sort of put my arm around astris's shoulders and be like um are you are you okay with that i'll.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:01] Be okay uh.
Cap:
[25:03] You sure yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:04] I mean i.
Cap:
[25:05] Mean like but like are you like sure you'll be okay alone are.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:08] You gonna be okay.
Cap:
[25:09] Yes are.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:12] You sure you don't sound sure.
Cap:
[25:15] I'll i'll be okay.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:17] Well i'll still be here for you.
Cap:
[25:20] I believe you all right um, okay um i'll see you later then good.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:31] Luck out there.
Cap:
[25:32] Hey, So Thea goes to take a step.
Crit and Dylan:
[25:38] I give her a big hug and I slap her on the ass.
Cap:
[25:41] I was going to say, I give Astrid a kiss on the cheek. We both kind of like, like Thea kind of turns around the same time, like Astrid goes to like walk and they both just kind of like into each other, like hands trying to hug and like smooch. I think I end up like smooching your like temple or something. I'm like, what the fuck?
Crit and Dylan:
[26:01] We're so good.
Cap:
[26:03] We're so good.
Crit and Dylan:
[26:03] Yeah. Yeah, those two totally in unison dryads. They get it. They know what it's like to have a buddy cop situation.
Cap:
[26:11] They get it.
Crit and Dylan:
[26:12] They get it. All right. We're the same. I'm like, yeah, I look at them. I'm like, we're the same. Yeah, you know, same, same.
Cap:
[26:21] Same you and I. And they're just like, whatever, in unison.
Crit and Dylan:
[26:28] Okay.
Cap:
[26:29] Are you done?
Crit and Dylan:
[26:33] Oh
Cap:
[26:34] Yeah yes um i'm done.
Crit and Dylan:
[26:36] Go get up tiger all right um and they bow their heads to asterisk and then, nod to thea and lead you thea um further into the glade uh asterisk you're watching uh thea walk off and you're standing near this really pretty glowing purple flower, and eventually um thea's out of eyesight you can't hear them walking anymore, and um make a perception check because everything explodes that's right you really should have thought about this i don't know why you guys never check for traps idiots we're.
Cap:
[27:26] Not rogues dude that's not my.
Crit and Dylan:
[27:28] Purview not my fault there's not a rogue.
Cap:
[27:31] In the party.
Crit and Dylan:
[27:32] Okay five we need Raul go finish your artificing degree Raul come on break.
Cap:
[27:42] Me out of this cage Raul wake me up inside boy.
Crit and Dylan:
[27:47] Get that tongue up inside side all right so you're like fantasizing you're like wow this is really crazy well i guess i'll just stand here and uh then on uh on your ankle like like well not your ankle but on your leg like there's there's a back piece where you tie up there's just a little bit where uh you're not armored right there, And you feel a pinch. Oh, no. And you're like, ow. And you look down. You're like, what the fuck? Roll a fortitude save. Jesus. Okay.
Cap:
[28:42] What have I done?
Crit and Dylan:
[28:44] 13. All right. I'm sorry, 11.
Cap:
[28:49] Even better.
Crit and Dylan:
[28:50] Oh, no. He's pumping the air, folks. No. we've.
Cap:
[28:56] Got it we've got a fist pump guys it's happening.
Crit and Dylan:
[29:00] We don't got got they went my way for once shit finally they did it oh they did it dice gods oh my god uh all right so you feel, and you die yeah yeah it triggers the explosives uh you know inside of your armor that you didn't check for you uh you feel a pinch and you're like oh what the fuck and you look down and you see kink floof standing there behind you and it's like as his mouth is closing like it looks kind of awkward and closes his mouth and then sits down and you're what are you doing here and you get so, drowsy all of a sudden and he does like a slow blink and then you just you feel yourself kind of crashing to the ground okay well wait i'm i can't be magically put to sleep it's no magic, what so um yeah thea's feeling pretty comfortable you know yeah uh she uh walked off with these uh charming dryads totally.
Cap:
[30:21] I i trust them implicitly they just seem so trustworthy.
Crit and Dylan:
[30:25] And uh they are quiet as uh they're leading you uh down what's now leading to what looks like a garden path and um as you are heading into this garden path you notice that the roses along the sides of the path are gigantic like five times the size of a normal rose oh wow and they go from a deep black to lavender violet and all different shades of.
Cap:
[31:08] I'm sensing a theme.
Crit and Dylan:
[31:09] Yeah um you see more of those big flowers that you landed on smaller ones interspersed between the rose bushes giving off light ground effects you are in this hazy, purple garden uh it's breathtaking and animals like the crickets and the frogs and the night sounds are making more of a melody or a rhythm as you walk down to this peaceful path. Your heartbeat, the steps on the ground between you and the two dryads, and all the sounds are making this wonderful hum and rhythm for you the path leads to an opening in the path that opens up to a grove there is a huge right in the center a flower bud um probably about 25 feet tall wall whoa yeah and 10 feet across whoa that's big there are blue lights like fire on the ground.
Crit and Dylan:
[32:34] Uh and as you get closer and walk by it you notice it just floats about six inches off the ground harming nothing giving off no heat it's uh.
Crit and Dylan:
[32:46] Adding to this bizarre and, well, seductive ambiance.
Crit and Dylan:
[32:55] The dryads stop and they turn towards you, standing to either side, and they say, we thank you again for coming all this way, chosen. And they do the little kneel-bow thing, thing and then they walk to either side of you the way you came oh.
Cap:
[33:17] Thank you very much ladies you.
Crit and Dylan:
[33:19] Start to hear a drum beat coming from the ground maybe you feel it through your feet like bass moving through you is thumb thumb thumb thumb and the idle between your breasts still is yep it's hot to the touch oh.
Cap:
[33:40] I mean not to me.
Crit and Dylan:
[33:41] Not to you that.
Cap:
[33:43] Doesn't hurt feels good it's good.
Crit and Dylan:
[33:44] It doesn't hurt no but it is almost like it got came right out of the oven now it's starting to beat with this this drum beat and you see shimmering and flickering throughout the the a blue fire light um as it starts to pulse and it all starts um lighting up in rows as if it's all, leading towards that flower bud in the center and you can't help but find yourself drawn closer to this she's.
Cap:
[34:16] Gonna walk there in time with the beat because she's one of those people who like can't not walk to a beat.
Crit and Dylan:
[34:21] Yeah totally yeah and um you do have your loot and everything Cool.
Cap:
[34:28] So she'll start like, uh, sort of just like picking along to the, to the beat as she, as she walks, just sort of like seeing what comes jamming. She's jamming all the way over.
Crit and Dylan:
[34:40] Nice.
Cap:
[34:41] Yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[34:43] Yeah, so you start playing along to this beat. You notice just how powerful this instrument is. It's twice as loud. And yeah, as you start to play, you notice you're able to see shades of magic in things, giving you this ability to see further, like shadows on things that you wouldn't normally see.
Cap:
[35:10] Oh, interesting.
Crit and Dylan:
[35:11] Interesting the rhythm increases in tempo and then eventually comes to a roll and and then stops right as you get to the base of the bud and you see as this flower blossoms before you uh huge like uh peels of a banana but you know one five ten how many it just keeps coming wow and opening and fluttering as each layer kind of settles and you see each of these petals as this rainbow, but mostly purple. You know, that's the main thing. Sweet. And as it fully opens, you see before you a nine-foot-tall man.
Cap:
[36:18] My God!
Crit and Dylan:
[36:19] He looks as though he is made of malachite or something. His skin gives off a reflection from the firelight. And his features, perfect. perfect um but looking as if it's just uh as featureless as he could come in a way he doesn't look like the satyr of your idol and he doesn't look like other depictions of what you've seen of him he looks like a man carved of dark deep green standing before you face darkened but eyes looking at you and into you large muscular um well proportioned and completely naked whoa hi, Big ol' hog. I level with it. He pecking. Yeah.
Cap:
[37:39] All right. I'm going to set my instrument down to the side and sort of kneel and take the thing out of my boobs.
Crit and Dylan:
[37:53] The thing? The thing.
Cap:
[37:55] The idol. The that thing.
Crit and Dylan:
[37:56] Yeah, yeah. The idol.
Cap:
[37:57] Thank you. take the idol out from the cleavage look at it and look back to him and go you are much more attractive in person my lord.
Crit and Dylan:
[38:05] My ripest plum i thank you i anko ince oak as my full title you have heard only you would I allow to call me Oberon I'm honored he sits down and sits cross-legged and as he sits you notice his form begins to shrink and he takes on a more normal size you'd say he it's hard to tell because he's sitting down as it happens but he seems at least under seven feet tall now and yeah the manhood that was at once learned longer than your forearm has changed as well yeah.
Cap:
[38:57] I can work with that yeah, that'll fit.
Crit and Dylan:
[39:01] Uh he says uh orchid of my lust please and he motions for you to come and sit with him on this flower so.
Cap:
[39:15] Yeah so uh i'll get up and uh make my way over to the chair and uh sit on his lap.
Crit and Dylan:
[39:29] He seems pleased by this um and he seems to soften a bit um if he didn't know any better He might have been a little bit nervous.
Cap:
[39:40] Aww.
Crit and Dylan:
[39:41] Um... But there's no way to know for sure. I mean, this guy's a god. He smells great. It's hard to describe, but it's basically your favorite smell. You're just, wow, that's great.
Cap:
[40:02] Wow.
Crit and Dylan:
[40:03] Yeah, you can't really put your like, oh, like sandalwood or, you know, it's just like, that's a good masculine smell. I like that a lot. lot um so when you sit you notice behind you um where you came in uh things have changed a little bit but you're seeing a like a limestone crag that feeds a bubbling gentle waterfall into a spring pool um you're you're now seeing within the spring pool like a little pack of nymphs giggling and cavorting and splashing each other um it looks like a large carved oak table sitting to one side uh near the pond uh cluttered with steaming dishes and uh drinks and crystal bottles and different colored wines that cast a luminous glow across the plates and now that you take one last look up uh it's not a it's not a bunch of those little moons anymore but one titanic massive full moon and it's engulfing the sky directly above this clearing uh it's pouring warm and gentle moonlight over the grass um.
Cap:
[41:13] When she sits down um and sort of like looks out and like sees all of that just sort of take it in for a moment this is far and away the most beautiful place i have ever seen, I didn't know magic like this was possible.
Crit and Dylan:
[41:34] First among my flowers, I built this place for you. For our meeting.
Cap:
[41:40] No one's ever built me anything before.
Crit and Dylan:
[41:44] He looks to you now. He was sort of looking ahead, straight ahead. And then when you sat down in his lap, he seemed maybe a little taken aback that you just sat right down. But he eventually put his hand on the small of your back. And he said that he looked down and gave the barest of a smirk. And he says, you seem tired from your journey.
Cap:
[42:08] I am. It was long. I had to say goodbye to the horse today.
Crit and Dylan:
[42:13] A horse? You are fond of this horse?
Cap:
[42:18] Yeah, it came with us from the town and I saved it from being eaten. But you know what? That's neither here nor there. Yes, I am.
Crit and Dylan:
[42:27] Do not fear for this horse.
Cap:
[42:29] Well, I feel better now. Truly. He's a good horse.
Crit and Dylan:
[42:34] He makes a very subtle gesture as if he's just kind of glancing over your shoulder for just the barest second after he said, don't fear for the horse. He uh he asks you if you'd like to eat um if you want some refreshments if you'd like to sit down um in the the hot spring um eat the pomegranate seeds do it eat.
Cap:
[43:01] The pomegranate seeds um yeah i would, i i would i can think of nothing i would rather do.
Crit and Dylan:
[43:11] Um he um gives a little bear smirk again and he um he moves you off of his lap in the same motion of him standing up um he is able to To lift you up somehow by the small of your back. So he just kind of picked you up with that one hand there. Just getting around the muscles around your spine in a comfy way. And just, you know, he's got a big hand.
Cap:
[43:46] Wow, damn.
Crit and Dylan:
[43:48] Like picking up a doll.
Cap:
[43:49] Like a Barbie.
Crit and Dylan:
[43:53] He says, my ripest plum. These are your tendons. They were mine. Handmaidens. They are yours now. And the nymphs in the pool come... Splashing over out of the pool and uh they come running over and they they grab your finger and they're like come come with us and uh laughing and they're kind of bouncing around leading you to um, the table she.
Cap:
[44:23] Kind of laughs and follows them and like looks back at over on like what are you coming these are my way.
Crit and Dylan:
[44:28] Um he nods um and then walks off in a different direction um, but he seemed it was a warm nod um the nymphs are very pleased to have you um they won't want to attend your every need uh once you're sitting down they're adjusting every part of your clothing to be perfect if you set your hand down too long on the armrest uh they'll start cleaning your fingernails and stuff um and uh little pixies are coming by and picking up the metal coverings over the the plates to uh reveal steaming uh plates of different meats and uh potatoes and vegetables and all kinds of very succulent and amazing smelling and looking food as if it was just prepared.
Cap:
[45:30] Oh, this is so much better than that hairy potato egg.
Crit and Dylan:
[45:36] Yeah, and you notice the nymphs don't really talk too much. They just sort of do what you want and stop doing things you don't want. And they pick it up real quick. How many are there? It seems, it looks like they're zipping about, there's six or seven of them.
Cap:
[45:56] Oh, wow.
Crit and Dylan:
[45:57] And they are, they are, you know, you'll reach for something and they'll bring it to you as you're reaching that kind of thing. Oh, wow. You know what I mean? Princess shit. They are, yeah, they're making sure you are attended. Wow. Well, I'll have to learn all of their names. Flying over, like two pixies are flying up with a bib. Oh, my goodness.
Cap:
[46:21] Oh, my God. That's really funny. So I guess as that's like, I mean, like, I don't think she would just sit there in silence. that's i think she would try to talk to them be like hey so hi um uh.
Crit and Dylan:
[46:32] They laugh every time that you talk to them and they like like the embarrassed and they're like oh my god he he like talk to talk to me and then uh they kind of skitter off and like he he giggle and then start you know doing something else to help you are.
Cap:
[46:49] They are they like actually talking back or is this fucking an alice in wonderland shit.
Crit and Dylan:
[46:53] Kind of more alice in wonderland shit okay cool, oh he know yeah exactly okay okay cool delightful so you um, you start digging in and, you know, they're not.
Cap:
[47:19] Like a lady.
Crit and Dylan:
[47:21] Yeah, I mean, it's.
Cap:
[47:22] Like a lady.
Crit and Dylan:
[47:23] It's really good. It's really good. And you can't, you don't know how long you've been out here. You know, it could be 12 hours. It could be 36 hours. You are pretty tired. You're not going to fall asleep where you're sitting, but you do feel out of it. and this is the best meal that you've ever been presented and everything you eat is the best you've ever had.
Cap:
[47:48] Oh oh oh never gonna touch those fucking hairy eggs again wow i feel like i feel like she's just like kind of struck by being like wow i've had maybe like the worst meal of my life and then like the best meal of my life just one right after another just a viscerally gross meal and just like the most beautiful cuisine I've ever seen.
Crit and Dylan:
[48:16] Yeah, served to you by hot pixies.
Cap:
[48:18] Right?
Crit and Dylan:
[48:19] And nymphs. Yeah, and some are like massaging your shoulders and, you know. Oh, that feels so good. They're getting the tangles out of your hair, you know, flying behind you. You know, they're fighting each other over a little comb. Seems like they want one that's like a finer tooth. Yeah, you know, little squabbles there. It's adorable.
Cap:
[48:43] Adorable.
Crit and Dylan:
[48:45] Um yeah and the wine as i said there's different colored bottles and they all glow um it's beautiful um yeah even even the grapes just simple grapes they're huge and they're juicy and delicious and just mind-blowing after a time um when it looks like you're getting full um you You don't really want to stop eating because it's so good. But your attendants start pulling at you at your skirts and pointing at the spring. And they're all kind of like bouncing up and down and like... You know, you think they want to give you a bath or something.
Cap:
[49:32] That's fair. I should have a bath. Oh gosh i am i am disgusting that's embarrassing i can't believe he saw me like oh my god i sat on him like this oh my god.
Crit and Dylan:
[49:46] Oh well you're not completely filthy i know that uh your standard operating procedure is to press the digitation anything away so but yeah you haven't had a real deal bath and you love those i do um a bath girl you haven't had one and at least like episode one yeah like at least four days um maybe even less actually but um yeah so um they're helping you strip and they're um putting your clothes to the side and laughing and like burying each other in them you know like one of them's trying to like organize and then they keep throwing piles on top of it it's shaking it's like a fist, and they play they have yeah they let your hair down fully and yeah they lead you up into the stone jacuzzi essentially and, um she.
Cap:
[50:44] Slips right on into that jacuzzi.
Crit and Dylan:
[50:46] And yeah it is a hot spring fed by a hot waterfall, and uh it is bubbling everything and it's just fantastic you um notice the nymphs swimming towards you under the water and in their hands they're holding big pumice stones, and like some of them can't quite get them they're really too heavy so they're walking backwards along the bottom, dragging it. Yeah, and then you start to feel them exfoliating from your feet up.
Cap:
[51:21] Oh, I'm going to be so fucking soft.
Crit and Dylan:
[51:26] I know this isn't allowed because it's not my character, but I'm imagining that it's just me. Like, not even my character, just me.
Cap:
[51:32] It's just Chris.
Crit and Dylan:
[51:33] It's my imagination. You can't tell me what to do.
Cap:
[51:37] Enjoy it, girl. Get in. Get in here with me.
Crit and Dylan:
[51:41] Yeah. Yeah. And so you sink further and the little hands keep climbing and then they start in from the top and get your hair wet and your scalp and they start scrubbing and scratching your scalp with their little hands. And it just feels really good. So we got these little fingers. Yeah, it's just really getting in there. And it seems like they've got some sort of suds thing going on now. So, yeah, it smells great. It smells like lavender. You know, men, they, you know, they see one thing and they're just like purple. Yes, my purple lady. So, you know, it's sweet.
Cap:
[52:31] It is sweet. it's the most um it's probably some of the most attention she's ever been paid ever.
Crit and Dylan:
[52:40] And yeah you're getting uh your face massaged now and cared for yeah and you're getting the the little massages of them like underwater and everything like that so like your legs and your feet and your toes are all getting little massages um and scrubbed it's great tiny little hands, and uh yeah you can't help but you know close your eyes and uh speaking of eyes being closed huh well i'm having a spa day asterisk yeah that's right that's also what in.
Cap:
[53:18] Your dream and when you're in your.
Crit and Dylan:
[53:20] Sleepy sleepy dream, Asterix you open your eyes and you are standing in darkness, vast darkness. The ground beneath you is like polished stone. Okay. I opened my eyes. Yeah. My eyes again. Yeah. And you're, you're, you know, at a farm. Nice. No, you are standing in darkness and stillness and silence.
Crit and Dylan:
[53:59] Your ankle hurts kind of a little bit. um and when you look down at that at your ankle um you don't really look substantial you look um like a shadow um of yourself but more substance than a shadow but less substance than you would normally be and hard to make out anyway in this lack of light um you hear what feels like a breath, all around you um like a soft sigh and a whisper uh it's your name asterisk.
Crit and Dylan:
[54:45] And the chill that feeling that you would get choosing uh you know the craziness of your day and taking the armor those feelings that you were getting in response to the decisions that you were seeming to make, uh, hits you as your name is spoken. And, um, it's a feminine voice, subtle, and, um, it sounds like it's smiling when it says almost as if it's whispering into your ear. It took much to reach you. You have amused me and made me proud.
Crit and Dylan:
[55:33] And the voice becomes more like all encompassing and that breath becomes a wind that kind of wraps around you. And this light begins to emanate from your feet and outward, a red glow.
Crit and Dylan:
[55:52] And it is the exact same red glow that you've seen on the southern horizon. As you are seeing this glow come forth from your feet and light from the ground upward, a figure stands before you enshrouded in what looks like a shadowy flame. There's no light, but the flickering and movement of flames, um, an obscured form, very tall with large reaching horns towards the sky, a loop forward and upward. Um, you you can see the silhouette of wings, large wings. You can't tell if bat-like or bird-like, but wings that are then folding up to this feminine form of at least 13 feet tall. Um her.
Crit and Dylan:
[57:06] Her one arm one hand is uh out stretched with her palm upward and uh you hear it's kind of like a sucking of breath every time uh right before she speaks like this goes and you feel a warmth that that same warmth and that uh that power um pulls through you when she speaks and the the breath that seems to be flowing around and through you she goes um, You, the champion, discarded, forgotten, disposed. Unknowingly doing the righteous of the guy I shall raise you again to champion um she, is in front of you there was no approach um she is directly in front of you and now you're getting more of a look and it's, awe inspiring Conspiring. Terror in a... Yeah, it's terror-inducing, but not...
Cap:
[58:30] Yeah, no, it's fucking scary.
Crit and Dylan:
[58:31] Yeah, it's like if a bear just was standing up in front of you. Suddenly. That's the... Beautiful, but terrifying. But not like the dragon fear where you're just shitting your pants and running. You're in awe. Failing to run. And you see a crimson skin and flashes of shadow and what you think is just a feeling of blood you know blood pushing through pumping and as she as you realize she's in front of you you're kneeling and she says to you I shall raise you.
Crit and Dylan:
[59:18] My paladin if you were to accept and she puts her hand out in front of you and you see a very like this hand has extremely long fingers with extremely long pointed perfect nails males um and on the pinky of her exquisite perfect hand is a ring with a ruby inset into it a large one and it is cut into a blood drop shape um she holds her hand lazily in front of you but you feel the intensity and passion of her direct gaze upon you um it is in the smallest sense euphoric orgasmic as if you were being sucked through a tunnel, At high speed, yet you're standing as firm as ever.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:00:40] Or kneeling, rather. As firm as ever. And this being in front of you that it feels like a cracked egg that starts spreading over your head a bit. And warmth spreading over your body as that familiar feeling comes again as she's this close, and it feels like power and it feels like righteousness and it felt like the day that you freed yourself.
Cap:
[1:01:20] Oh hell yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:01:23] Can I kiss the ring? Alright right you kissed the ring all right Thea um you are just getting you know you're all uh scrubbed down head to toe and just laying back sort of floating and uh getting you know your temples massaged and you know your hair just so so loosey-goosey relaxed yeah like your hair is over the side so it's out of the water now and they're you know drying it and they're brushing it um, and you feel and hear like that breath on the wind uh oberon approach uh a presence just surrounds you and you open your eyes and you see him getting into the pool with you.
Cap:
[1:02:36] She sort of smiles a little lazily, but happily. And it's just like, oh, there you are. I was wondering where you got off to.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:02:48] Do the attendants please you?
Cap:
[1:02:51] Yeah, they're great. They're, I've, I've, I don't know if I've ever been this clean. It's remarkable.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:03:02] This pleases me. Breeze in my bows. May I approach? Uh, he approaches, glides toward you in the water. And as he does so, the attendants all flutter away.
Cap:
[1:03:21] And she sort of sits up.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:03:24] Um, you feel on either side of your legs, his hands, um, touching your knees and then sliding up the sides of your legs. He pulls his hands back down the top of your legs until he reaches your knees and then just pushes your legs apart and gets closer she sort of she.
Cap:
[1:03:54] Sort of like looks down like kind of just like watching him with a grin as he does he.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:03:59] Says my fragrant lavender my most feral desire giving yourself to me means that i will be the vine of life and the power which you tap we will always be connected you may speak with me from anywhere and i will answer you will take no other patron but you may have any lover know this giving yourself to me means you belong to me forever forever?
Cap:
[1:04:42] Yes would I even live that long?
Crit and Dylan:
[1:04:45] He smiles this time and it's uh it's more of a grin like a uh A sneaky one. And his head sinks below the water. And you begin to feel nibbles and licks along your legs and thighs. And he doesn't go any further and just kind of holds himself there beneath the water. And you can feel his hands giving your legs a massage and rubbing you and it seems like he's waiting for you.
Cap:
[1:05:30] She runs a hand through his hair, sort of encouragingly, and hikes a knee over one of his shoulders.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:05:45] Well, if that ain't consent, I don't know what is. Thank you. And you look down through the water and you can see him smiling again. But as he approaches, you notice the licks and nibbles along your thighs. And you feel his tongue creep along your panty line much longer than you anticipated.
Cap:
[1:06:17] Well, hello there.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:06:19] Yeah. These, every time he makes contact with your skin, whether by squeezing or nibbling or whatever, you're getting that feeling, that magical feeling that you get when you, when you cast things.
Cap:
[1:06:38] Oh, wow.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:06:39] And it just feels great. You know, every time he squeezes your knee or your thigh or something like that, it's, it's orgasmic in and of itself. self um and then.
Cap:
[1:06:50] Probably just a chorus of of little little gasps and moans totally as as all that's good i feel like vocal adjacent vocal adjacent yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:07:05] Um yeah and so just the touch let alone giving you this intense, wonderful feeling. And then he gets to your pussy. We've said it, folks. Said it, all right. Should I rephrase it? Here we are. And this is why we've been rated F this whole time. We've been waiting.
Cap:
[1:07:37] It was a test.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:07:38] You were wondering if we were ever gonna do it we did we're doing it we're doing sex now you're welcome everyone it's officially our and yeah you have of course, had the fine pleasure of, somebody going down on you in the past how nice this.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:08:02] Unlike some virgins or any unlike some armored losers no judgment but fucking lose take off your jockstrap bro um yeah this is unlike anything uh that you've experienced in the past it uh paired with the magical sensations uh flows through you um in waves and um, isn't necessarily a like um a situation where uh you are riding up the line brought to climax and back down and everything it just kind of starts and goes and um wells up and wells down a bit but it's all pretty much high overdrive uh once he gets going wow um you find yourself now floating on your back you every once in a while from the babbling water and your own sounds you can hear some of the nymphs and attendants giggling and laughing and even making similar noises that you are.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:09:21] They're learning yeah and you know those ladies you can't see them but you're probably they're They're probably pantomiming some things, too. That's hilarious.
Cap:
[1:09:33] Yes.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:09:34] He, um...
Cap:
[1:09:36] My own little Greek chorus.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:09:38] Aw, Slither.
Cap:
[1:09:39] Aw! Yeah. I love them.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:09:44] He, um, slows down and finishes and stands, um, with you floating on your back. And, uh, one hand holding your back and the other, uh, running up your belly and up between your breasts. and then around the side of your face and your hair. And he looks down at you and starts to lean over and he says, then let us seal the pact as he looks down straight into your eyes and then pulls you into a kiss.
Cap:
[1:10:19] When he cups her cheek, she puts his hand over his, and an arm over his shoulder and sort of around his neck and pulls herself into his chest.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:10:33] As you thrust yourself into him, you feel yourself being lifted out of the water. Your lips meet in the water and he pulls you up. He starts walking out of the pool, and you hear all of the uh nymphs and pixies just scatter uh they're all like right at the edge of the pool scatter um and yeah you're both just making out as he's walking you towards this uh the center where the the flower uh blossomed earlier that he revealed himself from sick.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:11:14] And as you reach it, he lays you down on your back. You keep kissing as he brings his thumb on his right hand up above your head, and he just places it between your eyes.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:11:33] And as he does so, you feel him penetrate you.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:11:40] And a bright green light fills your vision. Um so bright like you're staring at the sun and pleasure as you feel from within you a green light shoot up and meet that light between your eyes and you climax hard instantly shotgun orgasm damn um trembling um back arched and uh single thrust and you are still in that bridge-like position with your body tensed up and the light begins to fade a bit and the orgasm fades a bit with it and you rest your back down as you are almost halfway out of breath already and sweating and shaking just from this and he you look down and he's smiling at you um again with more warmth this time and he thrusts again and it matches the first time And he goes again.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:13:07] Again oh my god and it's this point you realize that with every thrust brings an orgasm and you don't really know what the best position to be in all of them try.
Cap:
[1:13:20] All of them.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:13:21] Yeah science you're kind of turning you're like crab moving around and taking your limbs and sliding them so that you can flip around she's.
Cap:
[1:13:31] Laughing about it she's having a great.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:13:33] Time i feel.
Cap:
[1:13:34] Like she's like no let's try this like go this way like.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:13:36] She's having fun with it yeah um it's uh he uh is amused by this as well like uh he even mentions to you that uh you are more resilient than any he's any mortal that he's um placed his hands upon it's been.
Cap:
[1:13:59] A very very long time.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:14:02] And that was Since anyone put their hands on me. Yeah. Yeah, and so I guess he created a monster and didn't realize it. And so while he thought he was in control and was going to be keeping you here for as long as he wanted, it might be the other way around.
Cap:
[1:14:20] Out, fuck, oh God.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:14:25] But yeah, you switch positions, you move around and he can change shape. And he changes shapes to uh try new things in different positions and then you start to get the gist and you start telling him what to do and uh he he fits to please yeah you there are times where you're in uh such uh you know brain wracked orgasmic agony uh you could have sworn there was There's vines holding your limbs apart. There were maybe extra hands holding you down.
Cap:
[1:15:08] Fantastic.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:15:10] And, you know, like being held in the air by vines and plants, it seemed. It's really hazy and hard to get it all as it's much a blur.
Cap:
[1:15:21] It's a very horny montage.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:15:24] Yeah. And... You find yourself napping.
Cap:
[1:15:33] Oh, yeah.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:15:35] You know, it was just no conscious decision, really. You went from that, and now you're napping in a flower.
Cap:
[1:15:44] She wants to cuddle.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:15:47] Cumbulina.
Cap:
[1:15:49] Cumbulina.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:15:53] He says, Now you carry my seed. And it is your duty to spread that seed. What? He sees the alarm on your face, and he kind of chuckles and he says, not a child, no.
Cap:
[1:16:16] Oh, my God. Oh, God, I was not ready for that. Thank you.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:16:22] Perhaps someday. Oh, yeah. The seed of life. seed of life is a different conversation but you carry my power my potential, it is for you to spread it like pollen in the wind be strong and be powerful he says this as he's, spooning you and he's um petting your hair and you know putting it behind your ear um this is his idea of pillow talk uh he's not telling you to leave or anything but this is him you know cuddling and um telling you how powerful you are now and how proud of it, there there tiny.
Cap:
[1:17:07] Mortal you are very good and.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:17:09] Very strong yeah he can't you know he brushes uh he's playing with your hair and you know whispering to you and you're kind of falling in and out of sleep but he mentions that the, pact is sealed and your power grows and he has many gifts for you, yay and these are the things that are floating through your head and as he says I will see you in our dreams dreams. Asterisk, you are kneeling before whom can be no other than Lilith with her hand extended in front of you, and you are kissing her ring, and you hear her say, Rise, my paladin. and uh she picks she grabs you by your chin and your mouth kind of giving you like smooshed mouth thing and then lifts you up with incredible strength but gentle enough not to hurt Oh, that's so hot.
Cap:
[1:18:35] Oh my God.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:19:03] Or whatever but these eyes are familiar and they've watched you before and her form begins to fade and the eyes are what seems to be the last of it to go as the color in the room starts to go back to black except for right underneath you the uh the fingers holding your face um dissipate and you get a wink with the eyes before they're gone and you feel your armor start to twist and pull and...
Crit and Dylan:
[1:19:44] Pull you tighter and more uncomfortable. You've seen women in a bodice and it feels like it's doing this all over and around you and it's making these squealing noises and, uh, you feel that power that you've felt before with Lilith in her presence, but it's coming from you and it's coming from what you think is actually maybe your chastity felt. Belt as you see your armor shifting and moving and pulling and then unraveling off of your body and folding in on itself and then sliding into your chastity belt and just like as if you had nothing on at all you um are just standing naked with your chastity belt on and uh you feel like you are at one with your armor and you can put it on whenever you need to, from here.
Cap:
[1:20:52] That's so cool I love that.
Crit and Dylan:
[1:20:56] That's so cool and that's where we'll stop oh my god that was so good magical girls we're magical girls we're magical girls of calm.
Cap:
[1:21:10] We did it. We finally got to over on. Oh, I hope that was as satisfying for you as it was for Thea. She's going to be limping for a week. I can't overstate how much you're listening to our podcast means to us. Don't forget to rate and subscribe on your podcasting app du jour. Until next time, stay hydrated and stay sexy.