Astris and Thea end up on a riverbarge ride of mayhem and learn some hard truths.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Dylan:
[0:36] Hello and welcome to slash and fuck another adventure in our raunchy world uh where we last left off thea and asteris met their new patrons uh thea you met obron sure did in he had many gifts for you one in particular yeah he had a big gift for you and he had all a lot of little ones too like your little entourage now for your sprites and pixies and, nymphs um i'm.
Cap:
[1:10] So i was like i was wondering if they would continue to follow me around i'm like are they like my like hype crew.
Dylan:
[1:17] Yeah they uh they kind of all just fit into a little bag like into your bag on your on your hip they all just kind of jump in there like a pringles can or a, Not a Pringles can, but a snake trap, but in reverse. You know what I mean?
Cap:
[1:31] Oh my God, I love this.
Dylan:
[1:32] Which come in Pringles cans. And Asteris, you've met the shadowy being that has seemingly been watching you for most of your life. This presence that you didn't realize was personified until you met her, Lilith. You knelt before her, and you kissed her ring, and she told you to rise up as her paladin.
Crit:
[1:59] Yeah, and then I came.
Dylan:
[2:00] And then you came.
Cap:
[2:01] Hot girl shit.
Dylan:
[2:03] Yeah, I mean, it was a very orgasmic experience. When you collapsed back down, your armor collapsed into your chastity belt, and you came to the realization that you're now one with your armor in a way that you weren't before. you can summon it and dismiss it as you please and then you passed out so.
Crit:
[2:24] Fucking cool so uh oh my god can't wait to show raul.
Dylan:
[2:33] Asterisk you wake up um right where you were standing before uh you aren't armored anymore you have your underclothes on and you know your tall socks and wrappings and stuff it looks a little weird. And your vision's a little blurry, but you're coming to you open your eyes and sit up and next to you, you see Kink Floof. sitting where he was when you last saw him. When he bit me? Well, the last time you saw him, yeah, he bit you. And then he slow blinked at you as you fell asleep.
Crit:
[3:15] Adorable little fucker.
Dylan:
[3:20] So King Floof is sitting there next to you. I'm feeling a little naked. He kind of walks up next to you as close as he can get, and he's like, hey, sorry about that. Do you have any idea how hard it was to get to you?
Crit:
[3:35] Holy shit, you talk?
Dylan:
[3:37] Ah. She didn't tell you?
Crit:
[3:40] No.
Cap:
[3:41] I'm not a narc!
Dylan:
[3:42] Doesn't matter. Look, I can't stay long, but that was, you know, we're cool, right?
Crit:
[3:51] Yeah, fine. No worries, bro.
Dylan:
[3:56] Row you're you're you know let's start you're like what and like when you go to look back over at him he's gone um and you can hear just to your left now that uh somebody's approaching uh thea i'm limping, you're bow-legged well you're not quite awake yet you're waking up now um you're in the flower bed and uh oberon is not there but um your nymphs and sprites and pixies are, Are slowly waking you up by untangling your hair. And they're putting lotion on your cuticles.
Cap:
[4:48] Wiping all the cum off my thighs.
Dylan:
[4:49] Yeah, they've got warm rags.
Cap:
[4:52] Oh, they're so good.
Dylan:
[4:53] You know, they're really nice.
Cap:
[4:54] How did I live without them?
Dylan:
[4:56] Yeah. And you hear that little chittering, you know, as you start to come to and you realize what's going on. They realize you're awake and they all kind of skitter around a little bit. They're like, yay, yay, yay.
Cap:
[5:10] Good morning, ladies.
Dylan:
[5:13] They smile and laugh and giggle and blush. And then they fly around so that you can't see them.
Cap:
[5:21] I wasn't sure you'd all still be here, my little buddies.
Dylan:
[5:24] They're giggling even harder. her yeah exactly um the ones the ones that were working on your hair behind you look uh peeved that you didn't talk directly at them but when you look at them they look they smile and then they fly away um it all looks like this little competition to get your attention but they don't ever want to be noticed oh.
Cap:
[5:47] My goodness oh so they're like cats.
Dylan:
[5:50] Yeah kind of very helpful cats oh.
Cap:
[5:53] My gosh so not like cats at all.
Dylan:
[5:55] Yeah yeah not like cats at all actually in fact not at all like yeah they're really loyal and nice and they'll stick with you yeah rude well i'm.
Cap:
[6:05] Gonna am i i'm probably still buck naked so.
Dylan:
[6:09] Yeah find.
Cap:
[6:11] Find the clothes i don't know what was even did daddy leave me new clothes or do i have to put on my old ones oh daddy.
Dylan:
[6:17] So as you sit up and you you start looking around for your stuff, you see over just about 20 paces away, there's all of your stuff on a cart.
Cap:
[6:29] Thank you, daddy, she says to the ether.
Dylan:
[6:35] With your horse.
Cap:
[6:37] I need to name that damn thing.
Crit:
[6:40] Horsey.
Dylan:
[6:41] It's really nice because all of your stuff and the horse and everything is actually under this little kind of like moats of light falling, you know, like a little spotlight. But it's more moats. You know, it's like this little presentation, little sparkling thing. Here's all your stuff. off and as you start to stretch and everything you feel this uh silk uh garments being put around you as the fairies and everything are just dressing you as you stand and uh it's very easy and it kind of tickles oh.
Crit:
[7:14] My gosh amazing flipping snow white.
Dylan:
[7:17] Is it green i.
Cap:
[7:18] Feel like she dresses in green now to rep oberon.
Dylan:
[7:21] Oh yeah is that what you want because it was purple it was purple but you can and say like do you have green ladies.
Cap:
[7:29] Do we have green i'm kind of feeling i don't know.
Dylan:
[7:32] They like tear the clock like away just instantly like uh you know just what a stupid idea and they're like yeah they're like one of them's like slapping themselves in the face a little bit oh no honey it's okay don't.
Cap:
[7:46] You worry about it.
Dylan:
[7:47] She looks up at you with with huge eyes welling with tears and then smiles at you, and then kisses your hand, and then flies off.
Cap:
[7:55] She let me pet her little head, be like, hey, you're okay.
Dylan:
[7:58] Just for a second. But yeah, she smiled, and then she got back to work.
Cap:
[8:01] Aw, I'll name all of these.
Dylan:
[8:03] But yeah, they came back with green. And they're holding them up before you, before you say yes or no this time. Two of them that are holding up the garments are staring at the other ones, this look on them, like, I told you, don't just...
Cap:
[8:22] Hmm yes i feel as though the forest green with the gold it's a combination of us my eyes his everything.
Dylan:
[8:33] They all cheer and high-five each other and uh hug in a little and then spin in a circle flying and then go scatter to grab the rest of the garments oh they're.
Cap:
[8:42] So cute i love I love them.
Dylan:
[8:46] So you're getting ready and tea was brought to you. You know, you're just kind of wandering around looking at your stuff and things just keep being brought to you and taken away. It's really great.
Cap:
[8:58] She's going to become insufferable.
Dylan:
[9:01] Yeah, you're looking through your stuff and everything's there. And roll a perception check.
Cap:
[9:09] Okay. Oh, no. shit four all.
Dylan:
[9:17] Right and so you know you're hearing all the chittering and you're really just getting into the groove of this whole like you know there you put your hand out and things just you know go into it um oh spoiled you're just about to go through some of the stuff to double check it again and uh when you're startled deeply as two voices in unison say behind you we are pleased you are awake oh hello yeah you uh you get scared out of your skin there for a second um but flip around and you see the two dryads that had my tail goes like stark.
Cap:
[9:57] Straight out of fear for a second.
Dylan:
[9:59] Uh they apologize we did not mean to startle oh.
Cap:
[10:05] Don't worry about it i was uh very engrossed.
Dylan:
[10:07] If you please we can take you to your protector in travels yes.
Cap:
[10:12] Please oh my gosh Gosh, I miss Asterix.
Dylan:
[10:15] So you leave your stuff and you start walking with the dryads. You see one of the pixies close up everything that you had just opened and make sure it's all tidy. And you start walking down the little pathway that you had before. for and as you get closer you notice uh asterisk who looks like she's just getting up from you know lying down or something like she might have been taking a nap but she's not wearing her armor she's just got the cotton under stuff on and she looks you know a little out of sorts so maybe she just took a nap while you were gone asterisk.
Cap:
[10:56] Asterisk and i like run to her you look amazing oh thank Thank you. I feel amazing. How are you? Are you okay? What happened? Everything, you're not wearing your armor.
Crit:
[11:09] Yeah, something happened. Oh? I had an experience, you could say. What happened? Yeah, it seems I met Lilith. And then check this out, and I touch my belly button, and then I transform into having my armor on.
Cap:
[11:31] Oh my.
Dylan:
[11:32] There is now a teardrop-shaped ruby inset onto the front of your chesty belt. And when you run your hand over it, you feel just a bit of that heat and uh your armor starts to unfold and tighten around you and cinch and shape you and you see this uh almost erotic display thea of her armor unraveling from this chat this tiny thong in some crazy way in some magical way you've never seen before um and it is she's it looks like she's being tied up almost with all these straps and everything coming out first and cinching her in and then the plates coming up and slapping on and it's just fit form form fit just for her it's.
Crit:
[12:25] A magical girl transformation.
Cap:
[12:26] Absolutely floored this is like a kinky Sailor Scout transformation.
Crit:
[12:31] Yes.
Cap:
[12:32] Amazing. She gave you this? It's amazing.
Crit:
[12:37] Right?
Cap:
[12:38] You look so fucking hot.
Crit:
[12:42] Thank you.
Cap:
[12:43] Oh my God.
Crit:
[12:45] I feel a little fiery too. It's really erotic.
Cap:
[12:52] It suits you.
Dylan:
[12:54] It does feel like you're wearing something really sexy. You know, it almost has that kind of, you're wearing really sexy underwear and nobody knows it feel, but you're wearing armor.
Crit:
[13:09] Yeah, I feel confident. I feel alive.
Cap:
[13:13] Amazing.
Dylan:
[13:14] And the armor that you had before, or at least how it was before, felt amazing to move in. And this somehow feels even better.
Cap:
[13:23] Feeling cinched and sensual.
Dylan:
[13:27] Yeah, so she's cinched and sensual. Oh, and I forgot to mention it's a plus one armor, so.
Crit:
[13:32] Okay. Let me get my white out.
Cap:
[13:37] I'm sorry, what year is it? Oh. Wow. Well, I'm glad you had a good time.
Crit:
[13:43] How about you?
Cap:
[13:45] Speaking of a good time. Oh my God, Asteris. Absolutely worth it. Everything we did, absolutely worth it. Never in my life, never in my life have I experienced anything like that before. He's amazing. I didn't know what to expect. he's kind of sweet oh.
Dylan:
[14:11] Wow astris you can hear chittering and giggling from way behind thea because it sounds just like a gaggle of little girls maybe but tiny little girls or something just laughing at everything that thea's saying it's a little distracting.
Cap:
[14:26] So as you sort of hear my little gaggle of galleys uh i'll sort of turn back and go oh uh yes um daddy gave me some friends, they're my attendants as it were i apologize sorry dad oh, you don't need to know that's fine that was between us, she just sways innocently sweet.
Crit:
[15:05] Little tail bob just yeah.
Cap:
[15:06] Looking back and.
Crit:
[15:08] Forth oh i saw kink floof um did you know he can talk.
Cap:
[15:13] Oh yeah uh we were you know when you uh found me in my tub a few days ago? Yeah. You know, smoking weed?
Crit:
[15:23] Yeah.
Cap:
[15:24] Yeah. We were talking then. I didn't know he could talk until then either.
Crit:
[15:30] No shit. He bit me.
Cap:
[15:33] Bit you what did you do to him.
Crit:
[15:35] I mean it's fine i think i don't know i i saw lilith after that so i i don't know does.
Cap:
[15:43] He work for lilith that's.
Crit:
[15:44] A really good question did.
Cap:
[15:46] He just leave.
Crit:
[15:46] No i was just really uh really flabbergasted by him talking so it is shocking yeah i think he was apologizing for biting me so like it's good but um yeah he he really vamooshed um.
Cap:
[16:01] He's not here anymore oh, He vamooshed.
Crit:
[16:07] Who am I?
Cap:
[16:09] He vamooshed and he vanished. He vamooshed. I can't believe King Floof was here. And I missed him. I feel so bad. I promised him cheesy jalapeno chicken fingers. I really wanted to get him those.
Crit:
[16:24] Well, he probably wouldn't want to see you until you do have those.
Cap:
[16:28] Did Lilith say anything? Did you? like does she have a job for you.
Crit:
[16:33] Um i guess i'm her paladin now so so i'm really a paladin now i'm not just so i'm.
Cap:
[16:39] Not lying when i call you paladin.
Crit:
[16:41] Exactly we're not lying anymore that's honestly the biggest relief here um so you.
Dylan:
[16:48] Guys are catching up about this and you you start to hear the sound of a horse and cart coming. As Thea's attendants are all trying to hold the reins of the horse and lead it to you. And they're all trying to fly at the same time, at the same speed, but it's kind of a mess. And the horse just keeps like flipping his head up like he's got flies around his face. but yeah uh the dryads approach again and they say our master cannot be here to see you off unfortunately he had to leave sometime earlier on urgent dangerous business oh.
Cap:
[17:37] He's a very busy and important man god you know i understand dangerous.
Dylan:
[17:42] The way has been made clear for you all you must do is walk this way and they leave they point the direction that you came in we wish you well, Chosen one and protector.
Cap:
[17:56] Thank you. Both of you, really.
Dylan:
[17:58] They do their little deer bow. And then this time they don't just walk away kind of creepily. They both do the little deer bounty thing off into separate directions into the woods.
Crit:
[18:10] Off duty.
Dylan:
[18:11] Yeah, now they can go fuck centaurs.
Crit:
[18:14] Nice.
Dylan:
[18:15] So you guys are making your way with your horse and cart. and you make your way down the path to a clearing that opens up next to a little creek that's flowing and next to the creek pulls up a carriage that looks like a giant strawberry and it's pulled by two red flamingos with pink underbellies and under wings and they're just standing there on on one leg doing their little flamingo stance preening um and the door on the side of this strawberry opens and it's pink on the inside and there's two seats and it looks like there's a hitch that you can put the horse to on the back of it excellent.
Cap:
[19:07] Um i'm gonna go uh tie up the horse And I'm going to, I want to, I want to pet the horse and be like, hey, buddy, I missed you. And I'm going to tie him up to the, to the hitch.
Dylan:
[19:20] He leans like his head into you. Kind of, you know, almost knocks you over, but he's a leaner.
Cap:
[19:29] I missed you too, pal.
Dylan:
[19:31] He huffs a little bit, but he's happy to see you and not be, and not be dead. But I think he wants to leave this place.
Cap:
[19:39] I don't blame him at this point.
Dylan:
[19:42] I want to.
Crit:
[19:43] Do the chivalrous like give thea a hand to step into the carriage.
Cap:
[19:47] Right i'm gonna make my ladies jealous.
Crit:
[19:49] Oh
Dylan:
[19:50] My
Cap:
[19:51] God i wonder if they'll be jealous of astris will they be like no we help her not you yeah.
Crit:
[19:55] But we friend.
Dylan:
[19:56] When you astris uh hold out your hand you've got one leg up on one of the steps and you hold out your hand uh very gallant looking to thea um the attendants um notice and they all just look at asterisk with this in awe this uh huge uh scary and magnificent uh fighter and they're all uh quaking in their boots and uh trembling and they're you know hiding their their faces and then they're you know behind And they're hiding themselves behind Thea, but they're all, whoa.
Cap:
[20:38] Oh, my gosh. They're just hiding, like, behind my skirt.
Dylan:
[20:41] Yeah, they're clapping and looking and, yeah.
Cap:
[20:46] Oh, my darlings, don't worry. This is Astris. She is, she's the muscle. She's going to keep us all very safe. She's very strong. We're going to be fine. You can trust her. She's a friend.
Dylan:
[20:59] They all gasp, basically, at the same time. And then they all high five and hug and then fly over to Asterix and fly in a ring around her up and down and then give her little kisses around her cheek when they reach her head.
Crit:
[21:15] Oh, my gosh.
Cap:
[21:15] That is so precious. These are my ladies.
Crit:
[21:18] Hello, ladies. So nice to meet you.
Cap:
[21:22] Names forthcoming.
Dylan:
[21:24] Yeah, their names are like Ding Ding, Ring a Bell, stuff like that. You know what I mean? oh.
Cap:
[21:32] My god i love that.
Dylan:
[21:33] Um yeah tinkle tinkle chimes stuff like that yeah.
Crit:
[21:42] I want to.
Cap:
[21:43] Oh, ring a ding over here.
Dylan:
[21:45] Yeah. Ding dong.
Crit:
[21:47] Ding-a-ling-a-ling dong.
Cap:
[21:49] Tra-la-la this way.
Crit:
[21:53] Slam-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
Cap:
[21:55] Slam-a-lam-a-ding-dong. Over here, gal.
Crit:
[21:58] Wham-bam. Thank you, ma'am. Get over here.
Dylan:
[22:04] All right. So you guys step into the strawberry carriage pulled by flamingos?
Cap:
[22:08] I do. I accept Astris's graceful help.
Crit:
[22:11] Yeah no I'm just gonna do it I'm not gonna check I'm not gonna do an insight check or anything this seems great insight.
Cap:
[22:18] Check the carriage.
Crit:
[22:20] It
Dylan:
[22:20] Looks like a strawberry it looks like it wants.
Crit:
[22:22] To eat us insight.
Cap:
[22:23] Check the flamingos.
Dylan:
[22:25] It doesn't seem like a mimic excellent, great yeah you guys hop in and yeah there's a little window today, the attendants fly out the window and then as the carriage starts to move the attendants fly back and they've got, like four or five of them are holding a coconut shell with some kind of juice inside and they're trying to get it through the window, they're sweating profusely and they're flying next to the window trying to give you this drink before they get.
Cap:
[23:07] Too stressed they'll be like okay oh thank you I keep.
Dylan:
[23:10] Picturing them.
Crit:
[23:10] They're like flying like emojis, but like, you know, obviously it's like tiny women, but they just like emote so big.
Dylan:
[23:17] Right?
Crit:
[23:17] Like, like they're just having all the feelings.
Dylan:
[23:21] Yeah, totally. You, uh, they express quite a bit. And right when you grab it, they all just, you know, they, uh, put their hands on their cheeks, they, they wipe their foreheads and they fly off and then they bring one for Asterix too.
Cap:
[23:34] Thank you, ladies.
Crit:
[23:36] I'm so honored.
Dylan:
[23:38] And yeah, they all fly in and they look sweaty and they're, you know, bent over like panting and, you know, rubbing each other's backs. And then they all clap and cheer that they got everything in. And then they fly into your bag.
Crit:
[23:50] I love them.
Cap:
[23:51] Oh my gosh.
Crit:
[23:52] I love them.
Cap:
[23:54] I'm obsessed. They're so cute. Oh, I'm going to become inseparable.
Dylan:
[24:01] So the carriage goes for a little while. You guys have enough time to enjoy your beverage and catch up about what you saw, what you experienced, you know, dimensions, stats, that kind of thing. So the carriage pulls to a slow stop and the door opens. And as you were going, you were traveling next to this little babbling brook. and it pulled up into what looks like a dock along the river. And it is...
Crit:
[24:39] Is this a boat carriage?
Dylan:
[24:40] So what you see is this dock along the water of the river, but it's like a half spiral of a fallen bonsai tree, but completely flat for you to walk on. Like a cross-section bonsai dock. Um, and as you guys walk out to the water, the horse is following you, you see a, um, a light in the distance coming towards you as this, uh, boat appears. And it looks like, uh, a giant lily pad with another level of lily pads on top. So this two level lily pad barge and the stamens in the center of these lily pads have these lights that are coming off of it. And as it gets closer, you can both see that what's powering this boat is the head of this giant crocodile with a bit in its mouth pulling this lily pad barge.
Crit:
[25:48] That's so cool.
Cap:
[25:50] That's awesome. Oh my god.
Dylan:
[25:52] As it approaches, it slows and it stops. And almost in this bizarre sound as if the barge is slowing down, the crocodile growls deep and sounds like it's ready for you to get on.
Cap:
[26:11] Does he seem like he's happy this is his job? Or is this like his eternal punishment or some sort of shit?
Dylan:
[26:20] Well, when I say massive crocodile, I mean truly massive crocodile. You can't see its body. It's too dark, inky water. But you can see its head is at least eight feet long. Wow. Five feet wide. Wow. It looks at you with intelligent eyes, but it looks bored.
Cap:
[26:43] Okay, okay.
Crit:
[26:44] He's looking at us with fuck me eyes.
Dylan:
[26:45] Like get on the fucking boat.
Cap:
[26:47] All right. um we will he's a good we will expedite that process we will get everything on the get.
Dylan:
[26:54] On the fucking.
Cap:
[26:55] Boat you know what i can appreciate someone with a schedule okay yeah.
Crit:
[27:00] Roll an insight check all right you see he wants you to get on the fucking boat.
Cap:
[27:03] Yeah that's what you.
Dylan:
[27:05] Earned with your new uh insight i.
Cap:
[27:07] Will i will give him a bit of a bow and say thank you when.
Dylan:
[27:11] You bow uh then he kind of rolls his eyes um oh my god and.
Cap:
[27:16] This bitch over here.
Dylan:
[27:18] So... The horse does not like this boat at all. Doesn't trust it. You both had to get on and get back off a few times for the horse to put its foot down on this leaf. But it's hard.
Crit:
[27:32] Can I call him the horse? I have animal handling and I've never used it.
Dylan:
[27:35] Yeah, absolutely. If you have any spells, can you speak with animals? Let's see. No, no, it's just proficiency. All right.
Crit:
[27:41] That's all.
Cap:
[27:42] Our poor horse friend.
Crit:
[27:43] I was remembering that Astris has worked with horses. um oh so from like a working i love the i think that thea has the bond with this horse right but like i might know how to.
Dylan:
[27:56] Animal handle it yeah yeah there's always the owner and the trainer yeah yeah the horse loves them both different reasons fuck me there you go what.
Crit:
[28:10] Was that a.
Dylan:
[28:11] 10 13 seem it takes a little bit but astra seems to figure out how to uh calm the horse down and get them on you know a little bit of brushing a little bit of eye contact and petting and you know just standing still for a minute with uh thea on the boat and asterisk just petting her you know yeah.
Crit:
[28:31] Letting them take it in.
Dylan:
[28:31] Yeah and then you know they complied getting getting the cart onto the boat you know kind of kachunked a little bit scared the horse they'll survive yeah and the crocodile growled a little bit and the horse screamed.
Crit:
[28:45] So it seems like we're being taken somewhere, Thea. Like, has Oberon given you an assignment or a mission or?
Cap:
[28:54] He more or less told me to live deliciously.
Crit:
[28:58] Oh, that's delightful. I like him.
Cap:
[29:00] I took that to mean burn down the church.
Crit:
[29:05] Yeah, I like him.
Cap:
[29:08] God, me too. I hope you can meet him someday.
Crit:
[29:10] Yeah, that sounds nice.
Dylan:
[29:12] You guys are on the barge now, comparing tits.
Crit:
[29:19] We're at that point in the road trip.
Dylan:
[29:21] Yeah. It's happening. Yeah, you guys didn't have enough sleepover, so you're just doing it on the barge now. Yeah. You're on the barge, and you are heading down the river now. um and if you had to guess this is the river aurora that you are familiar with but yeah if you're on the aurora you know that you're going to be passing down straight through haven once you exit the forest oh.
Crit:
[29:49] Shit oh so i see so obron is sending us back where we came like i said he He got you a cab, girl.
Cap:
[30:01] Oh my God, he got me an Uber XL. He got me a black car.
Dylan:
[30:05] He had to leave early on a very dangerous and important mission.
Cap:
[30:09] So dangerous, so important. Sorry, baby, I got you a car.
Crit:
[30:14] Well, okay, so now Asterisk is sweating because of the whole stolen armor situation.
Cap:
[30:22] Absolutely not. It's going to be fine.
Crit:
[30:24] I was hoping that we were going to fuck off into the fairy lands forever and never come back. So that plan is crashing down around me right now. Don't ask why I'm sweating.
Dylan:
[30:37] Yeah, as you guys are looking at the map and you're like, oh, that means we're going back through Haven. I mean, it doesn't mean that the second you get out of the forest, you're in Haven. It's several miles down river and it like has a serpentine track to it. Yeah. The, the Aurora at the forest edge is, is much further North than town proper anyway.
Crit:
[31:07] So, but still the implication.
Dylan:
[31:09] Right.
Cap:
[31:10] It's making me sweat.
Dylan:
[31:11] Well, yeah, you, you came to the realization like.
Cap:
[31:14] Okay, We should just burn it to the ground We should just fucking burn the church to the ground Yeah We should just stroll into Haven and burn the fucking church to the ground Yeah.
Crit:
[31:25] What if And we take Gil Fanuel And Drusilla Drusilla with us Who's.
Dylan:
[31:32] Gonna stop you, Jace? I'd.
Crit:
[31:36] Love to see him try Let him try That's me punching my hand.
Dylan:
[31:42] As you guys are plotting your vengeance the weather starts to get a bit colder and darker and the speed at which you're going down the river starts to pick up roll an insight check or an animal handling check whichever one you've got, 12 13 16 total asterisk are you at the front of the boat or the back of the boat I'll.
Crit:
[32:14] Be at the front of the boat.
Dylan:
[32:15] You notice the crocodile seems disturbed, you heard a growl and you looked over at it and it seems to be not swimming as smoothly as it was yeah it seems a little agitated no.
Cap:
[32:33] That's not great What's up.
Crit:
[32:34] Buddy? Yeah, like, can I look around and see if there's any cause for commotion?
Dylan:
[32:39] Lightning cracks.
Crit:
[32:40] Oh, Jesus.
Dylan:
[32:41] And the raft, or the barge, goes faster. The horse starts making noises, fearful noises, as the temperature drops as well. It gets dry and cold and dark very, very suddenly, as it seems like the barge is going faster and faster.
Crit:
[33:00] Oh, dear.
Dylan:
[33:01] Deer as um as you're going faster you notice there's peals of lightning and thunder going off and the the crack the sound of thunder seems to have all these uh cackling laughter noises behind it uh just as it cracks the light from the lightning lights up the river that you're going down you see rapids you see nothing but heavier rapids ahead of you and it starts to rock and And things start to get crazy. Your first instinct, Thea, is to check the stuff.
Cap:
[33:36] It sure is.
Dylan:
[33:37] It is actually... really well secured uh you know your attendance did a great job excellent uh the horse is kind of freaking out but it's just kind of uh it's good that it's in it's it's in a little kind of a pen on here so it can brace itself is the barge seems too wide to flip but it is there's a lot of motion and it is violent and getting thrashier okay so i'm gonna need you guys to roll either athletics Acrobatics, acrobatics, decks, or a strength check.
Cap:
[34:08] Okay, I've got decks. In a sort of like panic over the boat starting to get a bit raucous, Thea's afraid of getting thrown off. So in a bit of a panic, she like kind of tries to grab for something. And that's when one of the green vines sort of sprouts from, I don't know where.
Dylan:
[34:33] Wherever you want.
Cap:
[34:34] I feel like we'll say it comes from her side for now. So it sort of sprouts from her side and like wraps around one of the pillars holding up the second level.
Dylan:
[34:45] We could say it's on the vertebrae above your tail.
Cap:
[34:48] Perfect. Oh, I love that. All right. So I'm going to roll a dex for that or for not fucking falling off.
Dylan:
[34:56] Well, it's a if you're doing an athletics check to hold on is basically like a climb check. So you would have advantage on that.
Cap:
[35:03] Okay, that's true. True. Oh, Jesus. Much better. God, that was a four and then an 18. Fucking God. All right. So then the 18 plus five.
Dylan:
[35:12] All right. Yeah. Your new tail whips out and wraps around one of the stamens holding you in place with your hands free to brace. So you have five points of contact on the boat. Just great.
Cap:
[35:24] Excellent.
Dylan:
[35:25] Asterisk.
Crit:
[35:26] I rolled a three plus six for athletics. So I got nine.
Dylan:
[35:31] All right.
Cap:
[35:31] Can I vertically inspire you real quick?
Dylan:
[35:33] Oh yeah. Is that a reactive thing?
Cap:
[35:35] Um, yeah, it's like a bonus action.
Dylan:
[35:36] Yeah.
Crit:
[35:37] I roll a d6, right? Yep. 12 total.
Dylan:
[35:40] You don't fall down. Thank goodness. You almost do. You slip. And though your armor is very, you can be very agile in it, it's still full plate. And when your feet slip under you on a rocking boat, that weight's going to throw you off. And you almost slipped, but you caught yourself. And you're in sort of a three-point stance, very wide. And you're getting back on your bearings. But you both are surviving the rapids for now.
Crit:
[36:04] Hang on.
Cap:
[36:05] That was close. I don't love this.
Dylan:
[36:36] And creatures jumping off the cliffs into the river.
Crit:
[36:40] What the fuck?
Cap:
[36:41] What?
Dylan:
[36:42] And the lightning keeps hitting, and you keep hearing that laughter, that maniacal, crazy laughter, and you're getting closer to these cliffs now, and you are seeing animals, raccoons, cats, dogs, wolves, all kinds of land creatures just jumping off of these cliffs to their death. As you pass by the cliffs, there's less elevation to the cliffs. You hear sounds that you do recognize, and it sounds like the kobolds. And you can hear them howling and crying and screaming. No! And you can see dozens of them running towards the river now on either side of you, holding their heads and shaking them back and forth. They look like they're just being driven mad. You see a horse and another kobold, a larger kobold on the horse, galloping up alongside this river, trying to knock down the kobolds as they're running past him and running into the water. And you see Raul and he has his whip and he keeps trying to whip his kobolds and knock them down and knock them out to try to keep them from jumping into the river. But he's just one person and it's too intense and too many. But Asteris and Thea, you see him and he sees you.
Crit:
[38:00] Yeah, how far away are we?
Dylan:
[38:01] Too far. 100 feet.
Cap:
[38:04] He definitely wouldn't be able to hear us if we called out, right? It's too loud and too chaotic.
Crit:
[38:09] It wouldn't help.
Dylan:
[38:10] You could try. I mean, you can maybe hear in the distance.
Cap:
[38:16] Hold on. I take out my harp loop. And I wonder if I can overpower all the sound. I'm going to start playing as loud as I fucking can to try to drown out anything that is making these babies go nuts.
Crit:
[38:29] Yes.
Dylan:
[38:30] Okay. So you start playing and.
Cap:
[38:33] I'm biting the sky.
Dylan:
[38:34] And it is a raucous thing that you're having to play. It is like nothing you've played before. Playing the immigrant song? It's discordant. It's loud. It's grainy. It's hard and it's different, but it's loud. and it is outplaying the sounds that are going around. You see some of the kobolds that are running to the river. Some of them... stop a bit and slow down and look towards the barge and they they look like they're snapping out of it but these the the lightning cracks again and you hear the laughter and it's too loud to drown out and the ones closest just fall over into the river but many are stopping and slowing down and rowell is looks like he's trying to herd them and the ones that have snapped out of it are helping too astris you can you can see him raising his hand above his head you know and waving to to you and you roll a uh perception check do.
Cap:
[39:35] You wave back like forrest gump.
Dylan:
[39:36] Um how does forrest gump 14 14 you hear over all the madness and the squeals and the lightning and the heavy metal that Thea has invented. You hear, My amor. I find you. I find you. And the river sweeps you further down and it seems that you've passed this strange area, but it is, the lightning keeps hitting almost to a rhythm and it is making it hard for you to hold on to this instrument and not fall down. And Asterisk, you're sliding around a bit and you slide up next to Thea and you grip hands and you look up into the sky as the lightning flashes and you see this smile that has just been scorched into the sky. This smile that makes you feel vulnerable, makes you feel like you're being seen straight through. It makes you feel despondent and it makes you feel like you're being watched by something bad.
Cap:
[40:40] Do we both feel that or just Astros?
Dylan:
[40:42] You both do.
Cap:
[40:43] Okay, cool.
Dylan:
[40:44] But when you grip hands together, the power within both of you starts to stir.
Crit:
[40:50] Power friendship.
Dylan:
[40:51] The power.
Crit:
[40:53] Power sex love.
Dylan:
[40:54] The idol between your breasts grows warm, like it's calling to you to call to it.
Cap:
[40:59] Daddy, I need your help.
Dylan:
[41:01] Asterisk, you feel in your midsection around your chastity belt, you feel that warmth.
Crit:
[41:08] Mommy.
Dylan:
[41:09] And you both raise your hands your clenched hands together and unleash your joined power your helmet and the rest of your armor fully assembles and your mace that you have generally sheathed at your side begins to change as you raise it along with your other hand and you see the flanges on the mace change to look like the side profile of people, of women, you think, of lips. Like if you were to hit somebody with this mace, it would be giving them a little kiss right on the crown of their head.
Cap:
[41:47] And.
Crit:
[41:48] Then also smashing them.
Cap:
[41:49] A kiss and brain damage.
Dylan:
[41:52] And thea it almost feels like you're falling and you hear the sounds of the playful giggling voices and laughter of your attendance in your ear and it's that girlish pitch and childish glee and you feel soft but firm hands reach out to catch you and you're no longer falling as they cradle you and they hold you and your power swells and brightens and the hands caress you a single pair and then more they cover your eyes they run fingers over your scalp and they touch your hair it feels like you're now weightless as you see astris's armor come fully online and her mace assemble next to you as you look and see an elegant dress slipped onto you like a second skin made of glistening strands like spider silk covered in dew drops the neckline plunges into your cleavage and it doesn't stop until it reaches your belly button five slate is high and daring and backless nearly nude the collar laces tightly but comfortably around your neck to frame your face and bust the train tapers off into an infinite distance like the stream from a pure flowing spring sparkling strands of gossamer light are draped from your horns and a flower crown of night blooming lilies is placed upon your head.
Cap:
[43:18] I just like become like fucking neo-queen serenity out here oh my god thank you daddy.
Crit:
[43:26] I'll be your Damien.
Dylan:
[43:27] Oh my gosh yes yeah you both so.
Crit:
[43:32] We level up again.
Dylan:
[43:34] That's what I heard You both unleash the powers of your patrons at the same time in defiance at the smile in the sky.
Crit:
[43:43] Fuck you, God.
Dylan:
[43:44] Fuck you, smile. The power that you unleash together swirls like a vortex through your hands and up into the sky, aimed straight at the face of this smile. And it parts the clouds and you feel heat and warmth coming as sunlight passes through. The river slows and the temperature warms and the noises fade and you're left floating down the river. So there's no longer a crocodile pulling you.
Crit:
[44:14] Oops.
Cap:
[44:15] Who the fuck was that? Did not much care for that sky bitch at all.
Dylan:
[44:22] And the barge is no longer made of lily pads. It looks like wood. It looks like a normal barge.
Crit:
[44:29] Oh.
Dylan:
[44:30] And by the way, the horse is fine. It looks tired and scared.
Cap:
[44:34] Not what anyone asked. I've been through so much.
Dylan:
[44:37] Yeah. But yeah, you think you're well and truly out of the fey lands now.
Cap:
[44:41] Wow.
Dylan:
[44:41] And as you float down river, you gather yourselves and come down from this insane encounter you just had. I'm not sure what it was and what you've done to scare it off, at least. But the river, as you know, since checking the map, starts to do its serpentine motion once getting out of the woods. and as it starts to go around a bend you hear voices and you hear saws and you hear horses things like that and when you come around the corner you see an outpost a full-on military outpost oh fuck thea you don't like these you know this is too official for for what you like This looks like a checkpoint.
Cap:
[45:26] Yeah.
Dylan:
[45:27] Asterisk, this is a checkpoint. They have two booms out on either side of the river to stop barges from coming through. They have a tower, and it looks like they have at least six men.
Crit:
[45:40] Okay.
Cap:
[45:40] I'm assuming if we can see them, they can see us.
Crit:
[45:44] Yeah.
Dylan:
[45:44] Yes.
Crit:
[45:45] That's usually how it works.
Cap:
[45:46] Okay, cool. So we can't just be like, oh, no, let's just bail.
Crit:
[45:49] Let's just turn around. Bail.
Dylan:
[45:51] As you are coming to the booms, it's kind of like a dock boom where they can walk out onto it, and they're closed. You have some people coming out onto the booms to greet you, and you're a few hundred feet away at this point, so they couldn't really hear if you wanted to talk or say anything to each other before you get too close.
Cap:
[46:14] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, what the fuck?
Crit:
[46:16] Well, I'm not wearing stolen armor anymore, so I think we're good. good.
Cap:
[46:20] That is good.
Crit:
[46:21] Right but i.
Cap:
[46:22] Mean like i look like me so.
Crit:
[46:24] That's not illegal i'll kick their ass maybe.
Cap:
[46:28] Not to you.
Crit:
[46:28] I'll kick their ass we're we got this i would like to watch that yeah that's fine i'll kick their ass though i would kind of love to kick their ass do.
Cap:
[46:36] You know these people.
Dylan:
[46:37] No okay not that you can see okay.
Cap:
[46:40] I'm like i'm like it's not like part of like no one that like we'd know from like haven we're still a bit out from there okay okay cool.
Dylan:
[46:47] One thing that strikes you asteris is this looks uh way more well done than normal covenant of purity stuff it looks professional and it uh is bearing the covenant of purity colors so you know it's them uh they you'd have no idea why they'd have a checkpoint all the way up here but it seems they do right.
Crit:
[47:08] So like when we went north into the fey lands um like we didn't come by this way this isn't like.
Dylan:
[47:15] Actually you did you You did pass by the river and there wasn't a checkpoint when you left there.
Cap:
[47:20] How much time has passed since we've been there was not a checkpoint There.
Dylan:
[47:24] Was not a check okay.
Crit:
[47:25] And you said it was cold. Did you say it was cold?
Cap:
[47:28] It was cold when the it was being shitty and rainy.
Crit:
[47:31] Oh, and it was raining bitch Okay, it's not like straight up a different season.
Dylan:
[47:35] No, it feels it feels like it's been years. Yeah, like Cold screen. Yeah.
Cap:
[47:41] Well, they put this up in a hurry.
Crit:
[47:43] Kind of alarming.
Dylan:
[47:44] Yeah. And as you guys get closer, they hail you. And they say, stop.
Cap:
[47:52] Of course, officer.
Dylan:
[47:54] If you have weapons, drop them.
Cap:
[47:56] I'm but a simple bard.
Crit:
[47:58] Drop them? On the ground? No.
Cap:
[48:04] Drop it right back into your belt.
Dylan:
[48:05] You're being detained.
Crit:
[48:06] You drop...
Cap:
[48:07] Excuse me, on what grounds?
Dylan:
[48:09] You are coming from Feywild. You have no proof of that.
Cap:
[48:12] We're coming from up river. From the Feywilds, I do not think so.
Dylan:
[48:16] How much further up river is there to go? Where is your settlement?
Cap:
[48:20] I'm not a map maker.
Dylan:
[48:22] We are boarding your vessel.
Crit:
[48:23] No, you're not.
Dylan:
[48:24] How many dudes? One of the guards. Right now, you've got three people on the deck in front of you. One of them whispers in the other guard's ear. I don't know if you want to try to hear that or not, but it's real quick. Yeah, roll a perception check.
Cap:
[48:42] Alright. Come on, dice. Do good things. Okay, okay. Fifteen.
Crit:
[48:49] Eleven.
Dylan:
[48:50] You hear just barely a description, and one of them goes running off.
Crit:
[48:57] Fuck.
Cap:
[48:58] Shit. Which one?
Dylan:
[49:00] How close? The one that was furthest to the right on the dock. He's now currently running.
Crit:
[49:04] I roll initiative.
Dylan:
[49:05] Alright.
Cap:
[49:06] I'm gonna help you blast his ass. No one's knocking on me.
Crit:
[49:10] Is that allowed? Can I decide that I'm rolling a 10?
Dylan:
[49:12] Yeah, you can.
Cap:
[49:14] Listen, Daddy gave me maybe not very justified feelings of power, so fuck that. Fuck that. I am burning the church to the ground.
Crit:
[49:23] I felt so aggro the moment I got out of the Feywilds. I was like, let's fucking go. I don't know. I'm a paladin of fucking shit up now.
Cap:
[49:31] I love it. Paladin of fucking shit up.
Crit:
[49:35] I got it at 21. go forth my bitch and fuck off yeah fuck initiative god okay um i'm good at this part um.
Cap:
[49:43] A dirty filthy 20.
Dylan:
[49:47] 21 20 all right uh asterisk you go first you have your mace in your hand you're fully armored uh and you're standing at the front of the boat unafraid.
Crit:
[50:00] Talking to.
Dylan:
[50:01] The guy okay.
Crit:
[50:02] And so no one's made a motion to get onto the boat but one guy has bolted bolted yes fucker um i don't have anything ranged oh no i say get this fucker halt.
Dylan:
[50:23] Okay. What do I do? You command.
Crit:
[50:26] Wisdom saving throw of 13.
Dylan:
[50:29] He stops.
Cap:
[50:32] I jizz in my pants.
Crit:
[50:34] I jizz in my chastity belt.
Dylan:
[50:37] The other guards start yelling, go, go. It's them, go.
Crit:
[50:41] He takes no actions.
Dylan:
[50:43] He does not move. Yeah.
Crit:
[50:46] All right.
Cap:
[50:47] So she has that one under control. um i'm going to are there are there any that like um start taking off like who's who's the next who's about to go like start running it doesn't look like.
Dylan:
[51:00] Anybody's going to run right now.
Cap:
[51:03] Uh they.
Dylan:
[51:03] Sent a runner and he's stopped instantly uh the other three guards that you see are on shore but they haven't you know they don't really know what's going on yet uh because no action's really been taken other than somebody running a few feet and stopping.
Cap:
[51:18] Okay is there um is there still another level to this since it became not a lily pad yeah all right where.
Dylan:
[51:26] The horse is is this little like you know pen for him and there's a top level above that.
Cap:
[51:31] I'm gonna get on top of that okay and i'm going to so i kind of want to you know what fuck it i'm gonna get the dudes on the shore they don't even know what the fuck's going on i'm gonna go for one of the guys on the shore what's.
Dylan:
[51:43] Your range on that.
Cap:
[51:44] Uh 120 feet all.
Dylan:
[51:46] Right yeah just at the very edge you got.
Cap:
[51:49] Okay there's one.
Dylan:
[51:50] Guy that you're like fuck you fuck.
Cap:
[51:53] You and protect you yeah all right all right already ready ready okay and so then that's a all right that's a plus six on my okay oh that's a a natural 20 oh i came now oh yeah oh fuck okay wow oh my god this this guy's gonna he better die okay um that is 10 damage to this dude all.
Dylan:
[52:18] Right what does your spell look like for one.
Cap:
[52:23] So I have my harp lute out, and I strum angrily in drop D. Sweet.
Dylan:
[52:32] Palm muting.
Cap:
[52:34] And a surge of green light emanates from my crotch, and I thrust forward, and a bolt of green eldritch fey fuckery hits this motherfucker for 10 damage.
Dylan:
[52:49] All right. It blows his legs off. blasts his legs completely off and you see him fall face first forward run now motherfucker screaming in agony and the person next to him is just covered in blood spray uh and just kind of shaking and you know hands next to his face amazing so one down holy.
Crit:
[53:13] Shit force damage huh.
Dylan:
[53:16] Forced his legs right off that's right you shoot to stop after the guy's legs get blunt clean into a pink mist viscera and gore the person next to that that guy a poor soul starts running uh runs the opposite direction um and the other guard that you saw on shore starts running towards Towards the barge, or at least towards the boom that you can see. The tower is in that same direction, their little guard tower. But yeah, it seems like he's running in your direction now. Okay. We have two guards standing in front of the barge and one that is halted. How long does that last?
Crit:
[54:01] One turn. One turn. So it's his next turn he'll use to do the command.
Dylan:
[54:05] All right. So he's off the table this time, sweating profusely. He doesn't know why he's not running. He's not.
Crit:
[54:12] I've had dreams like this.
Dylan:
[54:13] Yeah, it really sucks for him. And yeah, these guys scream, attack! And they pull out their swords and they swing on you, Asterix.
Crit:
[54:23] Oh, please.
Dylan:
[54:26] And they seem to be still shocked by coming across you two and miss completely. It doesn't even hit your armor. They go to swing on you and the river kind of just moves just a little bit and they just swing wildly either side of you. and the guy who's running towards you from shore starts ringing a bell at the tower fuck yeah so it's uh your turn keep getting worse okay um i'm.
Crit:
[54:53] Gonna take care of these two fuckers in front of me so.
Dylan:
[54:55] 21 um 21 does nine damage sweet the.
Crit:
[55:01] One on the left.
Dylan:
[55:02] Okay and you hit him with your mace yeah kiss him all right smash him kiss him yeah you hit him right in the crown of the head like i was explaining earlier so it's really perfect visual you got him square and his eyes kind of uh go in different directions when you hit him there and he falls to his knees and he looks like he's shaking a bit um pretty brutal there's blood you kind of have to like pull your mace back out of the skull a little bit it kind of got in there oh.
Cap:
[55:31] Nice he's fucked up.
Dylan:
[55:32] Yeah he's.
Cap:
[55:33] Fucked right up wow all.
Dylan:
[55:35] Right at Thea.
Cap:
[55:36] Am I within Eldritch Blast range for the motherfucker on the bell?
Dylan:
[55:39] Yes.
Cap:
[55:40] Okay, I'm gonna get him. 19.
Dylan:
[55:43] 19. All right. Yeah, that hits.
Cap:
[55:46] Six points of damage.
Dylan:
[55:48] Six points of damage. All right. Yeah, he stops ringing the bell. Well, you hear the bell ring one more time pretty loudly, and I think it fell off. And he slams against the wall of the tower, and he looks like he broke several ribs and maybe his shoulder dislocated when you hit him with that. But it's kind of far away, so hard to tell. But you know it hurt.
Cap:
[56:12] Creamed him um and i'm going to use my bonus action to throw asterisk another bardic inspiration for whenever you'd like thank.
Dylan:
[56:20] You i.
Crit:
[56:21] Am inspired the.
Dylan:
[56:24] Guy who went running he gets to a horse and he gets on the horse and the horse and he starts running away on the horse damn.
Crit:
[56:32] It these fuckers and their modes of transportation.
Dylan:
[56:35] The um how we got we got two guys left we got have one guy with legless and the other guy got his ribs broken real bad over by the tower you have the guy that i halted he can move he can move now yeah all right and then the guy you hit in the head really hard all right the leader who's originally like attack he said stand and fight and uh they the two in front of you asterisk swing again, all right one of.
Crit:
[57:04] Them still can.
Dylan:
[57:04] And one of them hits 23 23 wait no no sorry i.
Crit:
[57:08] Had it backwards go lower.
Dylan:
[57:11] Right yeah this isn't THACO yeah.
Crit:
[57:14] Price is right. It does hit.
Dylan:
[57:17] Sweet.
Crit:
[57:17] My AC is 21.
Dylan:
[57:18] I got you. All right. Five damage. The one who halted turns around and looks, and after he heard stand and fight, comes running back. He is going to make his move to run up to you, Astris, and then he's going to swing on you. And he rolled a one.
Crit:
[57:37] Good job, buddy.
Dylan:
[57:38] Yeah. I'm going to say that he dropped his weapon.
Cap:
[57:43] Fuck you. Oh, bitch.
Dylan:
[57:45] Yeah, like he went to swing on you and it just flew out of his hand into the river.
Cap:
[57:49] That's too sweaty. You made him sweaty. Yeah.
Dylan:
[57:51] Straight into the river.
Crit:
[57:52] Wet hands. Oh, God. That's so much worse.
Dylan:
[57:56] Yeah.
Crit:
[57:56] Yeah.
Dylan:
[57:57] Power word wet hands.
Crit:
[57:58] Yeah. You know, it's not the first time it's happened to him too.
Cap:
[58:00] All right.
Dylan:
[58:01] All right. So, Asterix, you're up.
Crit:
[58:04] Great. All right. So, I'm going to hit the leader really hard with my mace again.
Dylan:
[58:09] All right. Yeah, yeah.
Crit:
[58:12] Oh. 23. That hits. No.
Cap:
[58:16] No.
Crit:
[58:17] No. Six damage.
Dylan:
[58:19] Sweet. You bring the mace down hard onto his shoulder. He growls. He may have broken something, but it was his blocking arm, not his swinging arm.
Cap:
[58:30] Fuck with the wrong bitches.
Dylan:
[58:31] He screams, heretics, impure. Ew.
Crit:
[58:35] Ew, I hate him.
Dylan:
[58:36] You pay for all of your crimes.
Cap:
[58:37] You won't live to see it.
Dylan:
[58:39] And you've got your loot out, right?
Cap:
[58:42] Yep. Okay.
Dylan:
[58:44] When you pulled it out, I forgot to mention, when you pulled it out, they looked afraid. Good. Any time you start doing things, they start looking at you as if you're confirming all of their fears.
Cap:
[58:55] You think I'm a monster? I'll show you a monster.
Dylan:
[58:59] All right, Thea, what do you do?
Cap:
[59:01] You know what? I'm going to Eldritch Blast the main motherfucker because he's pissing me off.
Dylan:
[59:09] Sweet. Mm-hmm. 13 to hit yeah is that like a touch ac or how does that work if.
Cap:
[59:20] It matches if it meets it i.
Dylan:
[59:22] Mean do they have ic without armor like spell oh.
Crit:
[59:27] I don't think touch ac is a thing.
Dylan:
[59:29] Okay right no is that.
Cap:
[59:32] True is that a 3.5 thing grandpa yeah.
Dylan:
[59:34] It is because it gives it you know yeah.
Crit:
[59:38] It's like less to hit if you just need to touch them versus stab them.
Dylan:
[59:42] Well it's like you're casting lightning on somebody with armor why does their armor matter yeah.
Crit:
[59:46] Yeah exactly um.
Dylan:
[59:47] Yeah that doesn't hit unfortunately i.
Cap:
[59:51] Wish i could inspire myself um okay then i miss um and i give him the fucking finger.
Dylan:
[59:59] Sweet shield your ears do not listen to the cacophony uh and they three attack, uh one of them is going to pull out a javelin and throw it at you thea.
Crit:
[1:00:21] Oh bitch no it's about time.
Dylan:
[1:00:24] And miss wildly thank god um and a 20 does that hit you estrus uh.
Crit:
[1:00:32] It does not.
Dylan:
[1:00:33] All right Right. So, cling-clang, you are blocking their attacks and holding the barge. If they're not getting on and you're not getting off, you've just been fighting them from the boom to the barge. It's pretty badass.
Crit:
[1:00:50] I said, no, you will not board this vessel.
Dylan:
[1:00:54] That's right. At this point, you can see people in the guard tower that look like they're poking their heads out. And they look like all tired, like they don't have their shirts on.
Crit:
[1:01:04] I think we're going to have to burn the tower down.
Cap:
[1:01:05] I think so.
Dylan:
[1:01:07] Bell guy is running into the tower now. After you blasted him into the wall, and the bell doesn't work anymore, he's running up into the tower, and it looks like he's trying to yell.
Crit:
[1:01:17] And the horse guy left the tower entirely? He's gone elsewhere?
Dylan:
[1:01:23] Yeah, he's going downriver. He's running towards Haven.
Cap:
[1:01:27] He's about to go tell Father Vesper all this bullshit. it looks like we're gonna have to kill father vesper.
Crit:
[1:01:34] Oh no no darn we're gonna have to burn the town down oops.
Cap:
[1:01:39] Not the whole town there's good.
Crit:
[1:01:40] People in the town the worst part there's just the fun parts yeah like.
Cap:
[1:01:45] The guard and the church.
Dylan:
[1:01:46] He runs in the tower and it's asterisk's turn again i believe okay.
Crit:
[1:01:52] So there's still the three guys in front no um two.
Dylan:
[1:01:56] Of them are pretty messed up.
Crit:
[1:01:58] Yeah, I'm still focusing on the leader. 24? No, 22.
Dylan:
[1:02:03] That hits. Yeah.
Cap:
[1:02:04] Damn.
Crit:
[1:02:05] Nine damage.
Dylan:
[1:02:07] Alright.
Cap:
[1:02:08] Nice.
Dylan:
[1:02:08] This time, it comes down at an angle on the side of the crown of his head right above his eye, and it splits his skull, and his, rallying cries have been silenced by a gurgle as he thumps backwards and falls into the river.
Cap:
[1:02:27] Motherfucker yeah uh thea okay um guy who ran in the tower i can't see him anymore right no okay he's okay that's fine i can't see any like lanterns or like torches through the windows or anything can i i want my my my end goal is i'd like to try to eldritch blast a lantern to set Set the tower on fire.
Crit:
[1:02:51] Oh my God. Amazing.
Dylan:
[1:02:53] All right.
Cap:
[1:02:54] I'm here with the big asks today. Yes.
Crit:
[1:02:57] Fuck yes.
Dylan:
[1:02:59] Yeah. Next to the tower, there is what looks to be either. It's a one story. It's either a mess hall or a supply area, but there are some holes in the sides of the walls as windows. And you can see lanterns just through them. It's quite a long shot, but yeah.
Cap:
[1:03:22] I would like to try. All right.
Dylan:
[1:03:25] Let's see.
Cap:
[1:03:27] Okay. Okay, dicey babies.
Crit:
[1:03:29] All right.
Cap:
[1:03:30] I'm going to look down at my cleave and just go, help me, daddy. Okay. Oh, God, please roll good. I want this to work.
Dylan:
[1:03:40] I'm going to say because you got it.
Cap:
[1:03:43] That is a 19 plus six.
Crit:
[1:03:46] Okay.
Cap:
[1:03:47] I got it.
Dylan:
[1:03:48] Sweet.
Crit:
[1:03:49] Yes.
Dylan:
[1:03:51] Where you aimed, you hit exactly. Like, you know, when you're lining it up with one eye at the end of your finger, it went exactly where you went.
Cap:
[1:04:01] Oh, fuck yes.
Crit:
[1:04:02] Thank you, daddy.
Dylan:
[1:04:03] And it takes a few seconds for it to go. Like, Astris, you see it just fly over your head, wildly missing everybody.
Crit:
[1:04:09] Yeah, what the fuck is she doing?
Dylan:
[1:04:10] And then you see it go further over the river and straight through the window of the tower. and at first you're like why did that's a pretty you know bad shot yeah wow and then you start to hear screaming, And, um, and you start to see like sparks and stuff flying, it seems to be, and then, uh, smoke, lots and lots of smoke, um, and more screaming.
Cap:
[1:04:33] We're going to have to kill all of these people and put their bodies in that fire. Cover our fucking tracks.
Crit:
[1:04:39] I mean.
Dylan:
[1:04:40] The, um, remaining two people on the, on the boom. The, the guy who originally was sent to run away, who's to the, to the right of you, like he was going to run to the right where the, where the tower is. he runs again uh drawing an attack of opportunity from asterisk beat.
Crit:
[1:04:59] His ass beat his ass 16 that.
Dylan:
[1:05:03] Hits um seven all right he goes to run away and you uh you clip the back of his ankle with your mace and it you know flings his leg behind the other one his legs get tangled up and he goes tumbling down and slips and starts to fall into the river. And he's just kind of hanging on to the side of the boom here as the river's pulling his legs under the opposite direction. And he's trying not to get sucked under the boom.
Crit:
[1:05:36] This is what I imagine it feels like to be a bully.
Cap:
[1:05:38] I know. It's kind of great.
Dylan:
[1:05:45] Is that wrong?
Cap:
[1:05:46] Am I bad?
Crit:
[1:05:47] Get on the ground, bitch.
Dylan:
[1:05:50] The other guy on the boom sees this and tries to take his opportunity to run, drawing another attack of opportunity from you.
Crit:
[1:06:04] Do I get more than one in a round?
Dylan:
[1:06:06] No, you don't, actually. Here we go, Grandpa. You don't have combat reflexes.
Crit:
[1:06:11] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks, Grandpa. You know, it's all the same fucking thing.
Dylan:
[1:06:17] It was so good, though. You could have as many attacks or opportunity up to your dex modifier.
Crit:
[1:06:23] Oh, shit. That's awesome.
Dylan:
[1:06:25] So you just stand in a doorway and be like, I dare you.
Crit:
[1:06:27] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:06:28] Did they turn that into a feat or did they just get rid of that?
Dylan:
[1:06:30] It was a feat and then they got rid of it.
Cap:
[1:06:33] Lame sauce, wizards. Lame sauce.
Dylan:
[1:06:35] Yeah, no specializations.
Cap:
[1:06:37] See, Gramps knows all the cool old magics.
Crit:
[1:06:39] Yeah, I want to...
Dylan:
[1:06:40] All right, so I'm just going to say he's withdrawing so you can do it anyway. Uh, and he's running off, uh, down the boom. The people in the tower are starting to, um, you can see him moving around. It looks like they're getting their armor on. And Aster says, you know, that takes way longer than, than you like to admit, especially if there's like an emergency. Like get your armor, get your armor on. It's like 10 minutes later.
Crit:
[1:07:05] I don't, I forgot where it is.
Dylan:
[1:07:07] Right. I, I, yeah.
Crit:
[1:07:09] We have plenty of time to light the tower on fire too.
Cap:
[1:07:12] I know. I'm like, what do I have that's flammable? i'm like i can i can create a little bit of fire with thaumaturgy so i can set things on fire but i just need to make a big fire big it.
Dylan:
[1:07:23] Seems that there is a fire starting your face yeah i'm so pleased and uh so you guys are free to move on to the boom if you want to uh there's only one guy still alive on the boom and he's trying not to get sucked into the current we.
Cap:
[1:07:40] Should just end him.
Dylan:
[1:07:42] He's uh he's holding on and he's like his his uh grip is slipping and he's using his fingernails and he's please please i beg you the pale night first blood.
Crit:
[1:07:53] I feel bad i kind of want to help him.
Dylan:
[1:07:57] Mercy how.
Cap:
[1:07:58] Badly do you want mercy.
Dylan:
[1:07:59] Mercy please anything anything anything.
Cap:
[1:08:03] You say pledge yourself to me.
Dylan:
[1:08:06] Please, She's like water filling his mouth. And he's like, I really paladin.
Cap:
[1:08:13] Pull him up.
Crit:
[1:08:14] Oh, I do.
Dylan:
[1:08:16] He screams. And then you pull him down. He's sopping wet. He's on all fours in front of you. You see smoke rising behind him from the tower. And he coughs and he says, oh, thank you. I gave to you my service, my life. Please, mercy.
Cap:
[1:08:36] Sit down and shut up.
Dylan:
[1:08:39] Yeah, drag him onto the barge. Or tell him to get on the barge. And you guys have rope. So, yeah. You can tell him to stand still. But, you know, there's other things going on right now. He seems pretty relieved that he's not drowning.
Cap:
[1:08:55] He should be.
Dylan:
[1:08:56] Well, what do you want to do with this guy? Do you want to throw him on the barge and tell him to stay? Because he's... Be a good boy. His foot is destroyed. Like, he cannot walk. Oh. His ankle got smashed by that mace.
Cap:
[1:09:12] Okay, cool. So he's not running anywhere.
Dylan:
[1:09:14] No. At best, he'll roll off into the river, maybe. But he doesn't want to be in the river.
Cap:
[1:09:20] All right. You fucking stay there if you try anything. So help me. And then I'll turn to Asterisk and I'll be like, All right. There's a bunch of dudes in there getting ready. I did set a fire. it's catching eventually but.
Dylan:
[1:09:36] While you're considering that you told the guy like get on the barge and don't fucking move and he's like the mistress is merciful and drags himself onto the barge it seems like the best thing to do is get on stable ground and head towards the tower um.
Crit:
[1:09:51] I love the idea of leaving the guy on the barge and floating it away.
Dylan:
[1:09:55] Um yeah you can you can uh spend the time, a couple rounds to, you know, undo the booms. You can tie up the boat to the boom before you do so, so it doesn't go floating off. Or you could go kill everybody in the tower because they're coming out to kill you pretty soon.
Cap:
[1:10:13] I think maybe we should just go kill everyone in the tower.
Crit:
[1:10:16] Yeah, it seems like we could, like, can we transfer the fire from the mess hall to the tower, light the door on fire?
Cap:
[1:10:25] I can set, so let me into that building and I can set everything flammable on fire.
Crit:
[1:10:30] Okay, that sounds delightful.
Dylan:
[1:10:31] All right.
Cap:
[1:10:32] Before we go in, I'm going to cast Armor of Oberon on myself.
Dylan:
[1:10:36] What does it look like?
Cap:
[1:10:39] Looks like a stone sort of like gem it's shiny malachite sort of like i imagine like a like a like a corseted like bustier that like goes up to the neck and sort of out on the shoulders.
Dylan:
[1:10:54] Nice hot very nice i'm.
Crit:
[1:10:57] Like damn bitch work now.
Cap:
[1:11:00] I'm ready i'm dressed.
Dylan:
[1:11:01] How many outfits you guys have between the two of us like every round new outfit time to die so you guys start approaching the tower buffing yourself preparing yourself and you hear commotion from the mess hall obviously there's fire going on uh you might have caught some grease or something in the tower you're hearing people just like starting to come down the stairs um you know loud thumping, asterisk you know that this isn't nearly enough time to get fully armored so these guys aren't going to be as prepared so uh do you guys want to just rush the tower uh the mess hall attached to it do you want to do anything in there or do you want to wait for them to come down to you.
Crit:
[1:11:44] I feel like we have a good position where they have to flood out of the door like basically single file right and so kevin.
Cap:
[1:11:53] Mccallister this room.
Dylan:
[1:11:54] Wait that's just you do know that home alone the top of the top of the guard tower is where you're going to get shot from Right.
Crit:
[1:12:01] So we want to be closer to the tower. Yeah, that makes sense.
Cap:
[1:12:05] Yeah, like inside?
Crit:
[1:12:07] Oh, like going into the first room.
Cap:
[1:12:09] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:12:10] Oh, okay. Yeah, that does seem safer. Yeah, you're right.
Dylan:
[1:12:13] All right. So yeah, you guys just rush the tower.
Crit:
[1:12:16] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:12:16] They see you coming, and they are going to take some shots at you.
Crit:
[1:12:22] Put my shield up.
Dylan:
[1:12:25] Does the 16 hit you uh thea oh yeah does sick even.
Crit:
[1:12:31] With the new with the armor of oberon that's.
Cap:
[1:12:34] Not ac it's just five extra hit points.
Crit:
[1:12:36] All.
Dylan:
[1:12:36] Right that's nice all right well you take four damage okay as the armor of oberon um takes all of that i.
Cap:
[1:12:49] Squeeze the idle between my boobs yeah.
Dylan:
[1:12:50] The uh yeah the armor kind of cracks a bit like the uh glassy armor that it is you know that it doesn't have much longer much left in it all right and uh yeah you guys rush the tower get in and you nearly asterisk are you going in first yes all right you nearly run face first into the bell guy who's like, who's been running down the stairs three or four at a time, like rallying the troops behind him.
Crit:
[1:13:24] Oh, I see.
Dylan:
[1:13:25] And so he's rushing down the stairs towards the door straight at you. And so you come in the door, like your mace up and let's roll initiative.
Cap:
[1:13:33] Woo.
Crit:
[1:13:34] Run into my mace.
Cap:
[1:13:36] Um, Astros, do you still have that, um, bardic inspiration from earlier? I do. Okay, cool.
Crit:
[1:13:43] That's my token. I rolled a one.
Cap:
[1:13:46] I rolled ten.
Dylan:
[1:13:48] Oh, hell yeah. All right. Bell guy is going to attack, and he's going to slash at Asterisk. And it looks really bad, because he's really clearly bracing one half of his body, where it looks like that side of his body has a lot of broken bones. So when he went to swing, it just clanged off the wall. It barely, nowhere near. The soldiers behind, coming down the stairs. Also, they come rushing up. And now, Asterix, you look like you're in an ideal position to put them in a bottleneck.
Crit:
[1:14:31] Yes, I do that. I put them in a bottleneck.
Dylan:
[1:14:34] Right.
Crit:
[1:14:35] I bottle them up.
Dylan:
[1:14:36] Right behind her. yeah.
Cap:
[1:14:38] I'm standing a little bit behind her and i can just like eldritch blast over your shoulder oh yeah motherfucker hell yeah sort of peek out go fuck you side shooter and you all.
Dylan:
[1:14:49] Right does a 13 hit you theo it's a 14 a javelin goes straight through the leather the leather part of your strap uh just missed your skin and it's sticking out of the leather uh Directly over your shoulder next to your neck.
Crit:
[1:15:09] Woof! I glare.
Dylan:
[1:15:10] Yeah, and it's like... But they're rushing forward now as best they can. Asterisk, it's your turn.
Crit:
[1:15:19] Wait, really?
Dylan:
[1:15:21] Um wait right no no it's thea's turn i.
Crit:
[1:15:25] Rolled i rolled so bad yeah.
Dylan:
[1:15:27] It's thea's turn okay.
Cap:
[1:15:28] I can only see bell guy like right in front of astris.
Dylan:
[1:15:32] No you can see another person behind him up the directly behind him too i'm.
Cap:
[1:15:37] Gonna get the motherfucker behind him.
Dylan:
[1:15:39] All right yeah.
Crit:
[1:15:40] Yeah i'm about to cream this fucker exactly fucking crush his skull he's gonna be.
Dylan:
[1:15:46] A speck.
Crit:
[1:15:46] In a moment yeah oh watch out i might get your clothes dirty it's.
Cap:
[1:15:51] Okay i've prestidigitation.
Crit:
[1:15:52] You'd love it 18.
Dylan:
[1:15:55] And i'll hit oh.
Cap:
[1:15:59] Full 10 baby full 10 damage force fuck you full force fucking full force fuck you.
Dylan:
[1:16:07] You hit him in the face uh-huh and um like the top part of his head uh above his from his upper jaw blew backwards onto the people behind him and it's still kind of attached at the back like a pez dispenser um oh my god and uh it starts to fall backwards but the people behind them are they push him forward and he goes tumbling into bell guy i.
Cap:
[1:16:40] Love the bell guy is just bell guy.
Dylan:
[1:16:41] Who falls down, injured as he is, gets pushed down the stairs directly at Astris' feet with a body on top of him.
Cap:
[1:16:54] Idiot.
Dylan:
[1:16:55] Now it's Astris' turn.
Crit:
[1:16:57] I'm not worried about Bell Guy anymore.
Dylan:
[1:17:00] He's just gonna step over both of their bodies.
Crit:
[1:17:03] He's just gonna take psychic damage from whatever that is. I stand on that pile to get some height. No, kidding. I'll hit the guy behind him, the guy that's covered in Brand Guy's juices.
Cap:
[1:17:16] Visceral.
Dylan:
[1:17:17] Yeah, so those guys are a few stairs up.
Crit:
[1:17:20] Oh, okay.
Dylan:
[1:17:20] So you'll have to step on and over the two bodies in front of you, and then step up the stairs. We'll say it's a five-foot move.
Crit:
[1:17:30] Yeah, I'll step on Bell Guy's face.
Dylan:
[1:17:33] Yeah, he screams.
Cap:
[1:17:35] He should be saying, thank you.
Crit:
[1:17:37] Yeah. Yeah. More.
Dylan:
[1:17:39] What a blessing. The people on the stairs, as you approach them, you start just marching up the stairs, almost with a bored expression, as you fling your mace in an upward flick and attack the guy on the stairs.
Crit:
[1:17:56] 21.
Dylan:
[1:17:56] Hitting him square on the jaw, and you hear his teeth click together and shatter. 21.
Cap:
[1:18:06] Five damage.
Dylan:
[1:18:07] As your mace hits him in the jaw, and his head flips back violently, and there's blood running out of his mouth, and his eyes are unfocused, and he looks really messed up right now.
Cap:
[1:18:22] Fuck these dudes.
Dylan:
[1:18:24] Bell guy is going to attempt to get out from underneath his friend, and he succeeds. He pushes him off and begins to stand. And the guy who just got all of his teeth shattered is going to try to take a wild swing at Asterix. He is not armed with a melee weapon, and he is going to... It sounds like he might have broken his pinky against your armor. And then the guy behind is going to try to take a quick shot at Thea and miss wildly.
Cap:
[1:19:04] Woo, thank God.
Crit:
[1:19:06] Hell yes.
Dylan:
[1:19:07] So it is now Thea's turn.
Cap:
[1:19:10] All right. Well, I'm just going to Eldritch Blast the next motherfucker in line.
Dylan:
[1:19:15] That would be Bell Guy, who just stood up in front of you.
Cap:
[1:19:18] Yeah, I'm going to... How close is Bell Guy?
Dylan:
[1:19:21] Well, he's not one square in front of you. He's two squares.
Cap:
[1:19:25] Okay. All right. So then I will Eldritch Blast Bell Guy. I'll look at him, and I'll point at him, and I'll go, You tried to tell everyone we were here.
Dylan:
[1:19:40] I didn't throw a party.
Cap:
[1:19:43] 15?
Dylan:
[1:19:44] That'll hit, yeah.
Cap:
[1:19:44] Woo, okay.
Crit:
[1:19:47] Punks little naked little punks all.
Cap:
[1:19:50] Right and that's a six six damage.
Dylan:
[1:19:51] Um and that's eldritch blast okay yeah where do you hit him hit.
Crit:
[1:19:58] Him in the dick.
Cap:
[1:19:58] Right in the fucking dick all.
Dylan:
[1:20:00] Right um yeah you see his pelvis snap inward uh oof and uh his seems like the reverberation through his gut and his bowels just liquefied and you see blood spurt out of his ears and he falls down.
Crit:
[1:20:17] Oh my God.
Cap:
[1:20:19] Motherfucker.
Dylan:
[1:20:19] Probably a lot more blood shot out of his ass.
Cap:
[1:20:24] It's a pity. I didn't see that. That's hilarious. Goddamn. All right. Well, fucking rest in pieces, motherfucker.
Crit:
[1:20:33] Rolling that bell.
Dylan:
[1:20:34] Uh, yeah. Asterisk. You're just hearing, uh, visceral popping and squelching noises and, bangs uh from force damage and people and just visceral blood splattering uh from behind you a.
Crit:
[1:20:48] Little bit of like wind like my hair just blows a.
Dylan:
[1:20:51] Tiny bit yeah yeah you're getting the it's just blood and so uh yeah you're standing in front of an unarmed um a guy with shattered teeth uh who looks horrified and he looks like he wants to be anywhere but here and the guy behind him somehow looks even more terrified i.
Crit:
[1:21:09] Want to give them a chance to yield and be like i want to like look at them and like is there a way i could make an insight check to get a sense of how much they want to actually continue fighting given that their commander and commanding officer is dead and that they're naked and that we're just steamrolling them.
Dylan:
[1:21:32] Yeah roll an insight check 15 morale is low these people within 20 seconds of your arrival all died fuck.
Cap:
[1:21:44] We're deadly as hell.
Dylan:
[1:21:45] And their tower's on fire so you showed up and then 10 seconds later the bell rang and the bell stopped immediately and then you were walking through the front you know 10-15 seconds later you then proceeded to make a gory mess out of everybody in front of you. The guy in front of you is fighting desperately. He doesn't really know where he's at. He's in kind of the fight to the death.
Crit:
[1:22:12] Sweet. Awesome. I'm going to keep killing him.
Dylan:
[1:22:14] Okay. Yeah. The guy behind maybe?
Crit:
[1:22:16] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:22:17] Because, you know, you didn't hit him yet.
Crit:
[1:22:18] Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. I just, you know, I just want to see if like, if they're at a point where they're jumping out of windows to get away from us. Right. You know, I'm not going to grab their foot to yank them back in. And maybe I would.
Dylan:
[1:22:30] So you're going to finish this guy. All right. Uh, uh, 24. Just, just hits him. All right, yeah. So, another one falls. You flicked your mace upwards the first time as you were walking up the stairs. You kind of did it in one fluid motion. And then you just swung it back down on top of his head.
Crit:
[1:22:56] It's really nice getting to try this mace out so quickly.
Dylan:
[1:22:59] Yeah, and you're kind of like flip, you know, like when it goes down and hits him on the top of the head, you kind of spin it so that it, you know, a little flourish. And you just kind of like shove his body further down the stairs as you walk over him as his body rolls down. Yeah, it's efficient. As you haven't broken eye contact with the guy behind him.
Crit:
[1:23:18] Can I just like intimidate him a little bit with that eye contact? Just like, rawr.
Dylan:
[1:23:24] Yeah, roll an intimidate check.
Crit:
[1:23:26] I'm gonna pull the Velcro off of my sock real quick.
Dylan:
[1:23:29] Is uh.
Cap:
[1:23:30] Is this like the last guy in line yeah.
Dylan:
[1:23:32] That's a good question it is oh.
Crit:
[1:23:34] My god i want i kind of want to eat him out the window though, 16
Dylan:
[1:23:41] That'll hit oh.
Crit:
[1:23:42] Uh for intimidation.
Dylan:
[1:23:44] Oh intimidate his feelings uh that hits his feelings real hard um do you say anything or do you just stare him down i.
Crit:
[1:23:53] Want to stare him down just you see like come on.
Dylan:
[1:23:57] What are.
Crit:
[1:23:59] We doing here that's what my eyes say.
Dylan:
[1:24:01] Um I.
Crit:
[1:24:02] Look bored that's what my eyes say.
Dylan:
[1:24:05] Brutal alright so it's his turn and uh he's screaming he's and he's backing away now he's backing up the stairs, and uh and he's screaming it's true it's true it's all true oh that's not um just screaming just please and just crawling up the stairs trying to get away from you i assume you're just boredly walking up behind the stairs like a like a slasher monster yeah.
Cap:
[1:24:41] Is he within 30 feet of me.
Dylan:
[1:24:44] Yeah i.
Cap:
[1:24:45] Can like vine whip his ass and.
Dylan:
[1:24:47] Keep him in place. Yeah, vine whip.
Cap:
[1:24:50] Don't you move.
Dylan:
[1:24:52] Yeah, give him a vine whip.
Cap:
[1:24:54] I'm going to whip him with my vine.
Dylan:
[1:24:56] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:24:56] How does that work?
Dylan:
[1:24:57] He's prone, so you have advantage.
Cap:
[1:24:59] Oh, sick. What? Six.
Dylan:
[1:25:06] All right. It's six damage. Do you want that to be lethal? Are you doing?
Cap:
[1:25:12] Non-lethal. Crippling.
Dylan:
[1:25:14] Okay. Yeah. So you send the whip right over Astris's head. Or no, between her legs.
Crit:
[1:25:23] Yes.
Dylan:
[1:25:23] Up the stairs. And it catches the guy in his upper thigh and ravels around his thigh and slaps him right in the crotch.
Cap:
[1:25:33] Right in the balls.
Dylan:
[1:25:35] And he falls immediately on his stomach and you pull and he just slides down the stairs. And Asterix, you can spread your legs a bit to let him slide underneath you. And now he's crying and screaming. No! No! His chin is just bouncing down the stairs. He is flailing wildly, but it looks like you have him at your mercy.
Cap:
[1:26:05] Stop moving and shut up!
Dylan:
[1:26:08] He looks around, and he's sweating and pale and just stops making noise, and he's trembling.
Cap:
[1:26:16] This was not a good day for you, was it, buddy?
Dylan:
[1:26:18] He's just terrified, kind of curled up.
Cap:
[1:26:21] Do you believe in the gods?
Dylan:
[1:26:22] Gods i i they abandoned us no.
Cap:
[1:26:28] They abandoned you, The Covenant is trying to keep you from the love of the gods.
Dylan:
[1:26:37] Please.
Cap:
[1:26:38] They are a lie.
Dylan:
[1:26:39] Please, the mistress.
Cap:
[1:26:40] I am living proof of the gods' love.
Dylan:
[1:26:44] He weeps, and he's on his knees in front of you with his hands clasped, just crying and rocking back and forth, shaking his head and saying, please, mistress. It sounds like he's saying cacophony.
Cap:
[1:26:59] Cacophony?
Dylan:
[1:27:00] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:27:00] Is that what they're calling me?
Dylan:
[1:27:02] Are you asking him?
Cap:
[1:27:03] Yeah. Cacophony. Explain.
Dylan:
[1:27:06] He says, the mistress cacophony. It's true. You're real.
Cap:
[1:27:09] I am.
Dylan:
[1:27:10] He begs for mercy. He is barely able to speak.
Cap:
[1:27:15] Oh, my child. And I touch the top of his head.
Dylan:
[1:27:18] He flinches like an abused dog.
Cap:
[1:27:20] Oh. I almost feel bad, but not quite. Come with us. I have another like you on the barge. Another of your brothers who has seen the light. Would you like to be with him?
Dylan:
[1:27:34] He'll eat us and kill us all.
Cap:
[1:27:37] Now, who would have said that? You're much too gamey, and I'm, honey, if I'm being honest, probably not very nutritious.
Dylan:
[1:27:47] He goes face forward towards you with his hands splayed out and just says, please, mercy, please, anything.
Cap:
[1:27:55] You have my mercy for now. If I ever see you wearing Covenant colors again, or attacking anyone that you think comes from the North, I will know, and I will fucking kill you.
Dylan:
[1:28:11] So are you sending him off, or are you putting him on the barge?
Cap:
[1:28:16] He's coming on the barge.
Dylan:
[1:28:17] Okay. Yeah, you point and he crawls and he looks back and he's staring and he keeps crawling and then finally scrambles his way onto the barge next to the other guy where they hold each other.
Cap:
[1:28:34] Oh, absolute motherfucking motherfucker.
Crit:
[1:28:36] Okay, what is the gate made of?
Dylan:
[1:28:38] Wood.
Crit:
[1:28:40] Break it.
Dylan:
[1:28:41] I hit it really hard.
Crit:
[1:28:43] I hit it really hard.
Cap:
[1:28:44] I attacked the shit out of it.
Dylan:
[1:28:47] Alright, so hold on. Before you guys get back to the part.
Crit:
[1:28:51] Oh, I'm sorry. We were in the tower. We were planning.
Cap:
[1:28:54] Take a moment.
Dylan:
[1:28:56] There is a fire. And you did hear screaming at least one point when you you shot through the window of the mess hall attached to the tower. If you go outside and look, you see that there is indeed more fire and more smoke, and there is one person, not in armor or anything, just running off out into the wilderness.
Cap:
[1:29:21] How far?
Dylan:
[1:29:23] They're probably about 500 yards away.
Cap:
[1:29:26] Oh, too far.
Dylan:
[1:29:27] They're running basically northeast, just anywhere but here. not towards anywhere about here oh interesting you know if you had to guess it was maybe a cook or something all.
Cap:
[1:29:38] Right that's fine he can go yeah he may live today.
Dylan:
[1:29:42] Yeah so you guys make your way back out to the barge you see that it's not really that big of a deal as long as there's not like people out standing on it and enforcing it you can kind of just move it you could uh like lift like kind of move and lift it up and break it if you need to asterisk yeah you can just get your mace and smash up some of it okay and uh get the barge through it's gonna take a few minutes that's.
Crit:
[1:30:11] Fine if everybody else seems preoccupied with the fire being dead so.
Dylan:
[1:30:15] The guards you know the guards had offered to stay on the shore and open the the um oh i'm sure the boom for you they did i'm sure they'd love to yeah but no they're sitting with the horse now they're in the horse pen yeah.
Cap:
[1:30:28] Yeah they're my meat shields.
Dylan:
[1:30:29] Yeah and you guys uh make it through he's.
Cap:
[1:30:33] Sitting with the other pets.
Dylan:
[1:30:34] The things that you hear on the lips of the guards are the names the pale knight and the mistress cacophony oh.
Cap:
[1:30:44] My god that's so cool i would like to uh so they're sitting i would like to sit down across from them casually cross-legged the one has a really jacked up foot right.
Dylan:
[1:30:57] Is he.
Cap:
[1:30:58] In like like how jacked up like is he like is he bleeding out is it like.
Dylan:
[1:31:02] It's bleeding and it's hamburgered pretty bad oh.
Cap:
[1:31:06] I can lay on hands i'm going to look at him and i'm gonna go listen i'm really not that bad of a person but y'all fucking came for me and i'm gonna heal his foot i'll cast cure wounds and heal his foot.
Dylan:
[1:31:20] All right i.
Crit:
[1:31:22] Could also heal him them for less if we want to hang on to it i because i have leon hands now oh that's true i could just choose to do one point stop the bleeding.
Dylan:
[1:31:32] Yeah yeah stabilize him paladin.
Cap:
[1:31:34] Would you shore this man's wounds up.
Crit:
[1:31:36] Absolutely thank you i'm gonna like how how how would i do this.
Dylan:
[1:31:41] Oh you just go over and place your hand on his uh foot and he would flinch and scream until you healed it not.
Crit:
[1:31:49] Completely just enough.
Dylan:
[1:31:50] Yeah just enough to squelch um yeah he's uh battle.
Crit:
[1:31:55] Battle healing type killing.
Dylan:
[1:31:57] The pain.
Cap:
[1:31:57] But keeping him a little immobile.
Dylan:
[1:31:59] Yeah Yeah.
Crit:
[1:31:59] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:32:00] He screams at first, but then he looks at you in shock, I guess. And they look very defeated, very sad.
Cap:
[1:32:11] Listen, guys, we've all had shitty bosses, right?
Crit:
[1:32:16] I know I have.
Cap:
[1:32:17] You didn't want to attack us, right?
Dylan:
[1:32:21] We have spent the better part of a decade building our forces to find you.
Cap:
[1:32:29] I'm sorry, come again? How long?
Dylan:
[1:32:32] Exactly. It has been nine years, eleven months, thirty-one days.
Cap:
[1:32:38] I knew that.
Crit:
[1:32:39] Yeah, but who's counting?
Dylan:
[1:32:41] It is the day of deceit.
Cap:
[1:32:43] The day of deceit?
Dylan:
[1:32:45] You know it well.
Cap:
[1:32:45] The day we left?
Dylan:
[1:32:47] The day the agents of the impure defiled the church, corrupting their most promising champion in a generation.
Cap:
[1:32:55] No one even knows.
Dylan:
[1:32:57] Speaks her name any longer. Looks to Asterix, nearly looks like he's about to spit when he says the word, the name, the Ashwind, the Pale Knight, seduced by the Mistress Cacophony, the ancient succubus devil. They burned down the Burke Manor, killed and maimed dozens of civilians, squires and pages, guards before escaping to the north. The Covenant has been preparing ever since to find you.
Cap:
[1:33:25] Listen, honey, let's back it the fuck up.
Crit:
[1:33:28] Wait, hang on.
Cap:
[1:33:29] You've been lied to quite heinously, it would seem.
Crit:
[1:33:32] Did you say nine years ago?
Cap:
[1:33:35] Oh, are you done beating the shit out of the thing? Paladin, did you hear that?
Dylan:
[1:33:40] You will answer for your crimes. The High Inquisitor, Sir Mariam, she will find you.
Crit:
[1:33:46] High Inquisitor?
Cap:
[1:33:47] Oh, hey, buddy, if you want to stay alive, that's not really the best way to be talking.
Dylan:
[1:33:51] He spits at your feet.
Cap:
[1:33:53] All right, cool. Can I just, like, break his neck?
Dylan:
[1:33:55] Yeah, you want to just put your hand around his neck and then Eldritch Blast his neck?
Cap:
[1:34:01] Yes!
Crit:
[1:34:02] Oh my god, that's so fucking cool. Holy shit.
Dylan:
[1:34:06] So you walk up to him, grab him by the throat, and stand him up against one of the poles here, the mess.
Cap:
[1:34:13] I don't want to get blood on the horse, though.
Dylan:
[1:34:15] He looks at you with fear and terror and anger and disgust in his face as it turns red with you choking him. And it looks like he's trying to spit again.
Cap:
[1:34:26] Only daddy gets to spit on me.
Dylan:
[1:34:29] And you use your Eldritch Blast and pop his head clean off and goes flying 30 feet in the air throw.
Cap:
[1:34:39] His body into the river.
Dylan:
[1:34:40] His head lands and his body lands afterwards into the river.
Cap:
[1:34:46] What does the other guy think?
Crit:
[1:34:47] Wait so was that tower guy or ankle guy?
Cap:
[1:34:50] Oh yeah which one was that?
Crit:
[1:34:51] Tower guy tower guy okay oh.
Cap:
[1:34:53] Tower guy we really thought you anything huh? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
Dylan:
[1:35:00] Ankle guy is crying. I think we'll leave it there.
Crit:
[1:35:02] Okay.
Cap:
[1:35:03] Ooh, a cliffhanger.
Crit:
[1:35:05] Yeah, I have questions. All right, fine.
Cap:
[1:35:08] I love it.
Dylan:
[1:35:10] That was great.
Cap:
[1:35:11] Oh, my gosh. Thanks. Thanks, everyone. Thank you, Daddy. For coming on this bloody journey with us.
Crit:
[1:35:17] Oh, my God.
Cap:
[1:35:18] Ten years? Ten fucking years? Holy shit, y'all. I was not expecting that. The Covenant has no idea who it's fucking with. If you'd also like to wage a holy war on the Covenant, please join our ragtag team of freedom fighters by rating and subscribing to our podcast. As always, thank you for listening. Episodes of Slash and Fuck are released into the world every other Monday. I'll see y'all at the end of the next episode.