Astris and Thea catch up with old paramores and plan for the future.
Hello and welcome to Slash and Fuck; a stupid, sexy dnd audio drama! As the title suggests we are a mature podcast and deal with adult themes and content. If you're still here, I wanna thank you for continuing this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay! So without further ado, let us again slip into something a little more comfortable.
Season 2
Episode 1 — Kiss and Tell
Scene 1
[Ext: Mountainside city Utopia. Night. Khor, Rhox, DM]
DM:
Welcome in listeners, before the break our heroes were gearing up to rescue Francesca from the Covenant. Astris, Thea and General Rhox fought their way to the Tribunal Theater, where Francesca was being held; while Commander Khor's forces stormed the rest of the city.
The Tribunal Theater was a horror show like no other; a building constructed for public shaming, torture and executions. Dozens upon dozens of tiefling, dragonborn, elven and non-human bodies hung from walls or dangled in cages. Francesca was bound in ropes and suspended from the ceiling, nude for all to shame.
DM:
The Paladin that Astris used to squire for, Ser Maryam, appeared before them, gloating over her successful trap. She didn't gloat for long because our heroes attacked swiftly. Ser Maryam, more amused and surprised by their aggression than injured, fled the scene. Allowing Astris to carry Francesca to safety. All while Commander Khor and his people set about capturing the city and clearing it of any remaining Covenant presence.
[SFX - chime, wind]
DM:
A tired red dragonborn in a general's uniform stares blankly into the darkness of the Midlands from atop a battlement, while holding his battle axe as if to fight away his memories. The general doesn't see much of the night-swept plains before him, but rather sees the graphic imagery of the day before. General Rhox is so deep in thought that he doesn't notice the golden dragonborn Commander Khor approaching.
Khor:
[SFX- footsteps]
Get some rest, Rhox. You've done enough today.
Rhox:
(exhausted, on edge)
That Paladin escaped, Khor… I don't like it. She could rally forces and return… They will try to come back… We need to fortify the city. Set patrols… Fuck, I need to see to the casualties first…
Khor:
You need to rest. You won't be any use to us if you can't stay on your feet. (warm) We've got this. The city is well secured. Go to Thea. I'm sure your little revolutionary will want to know you're alright.
Rhox:
[SFX- footsteps]
(struggles for a moment then softens)
Thank you Khor.
Khor:
(to himself)
He’s not wrong though… we’ve not seen the last of that paladin. (sigh)
Scene 2
[Int. Makeshift medical ward- private tent. Night. Thea, Astris, Kinkfloof, DM.]
[SFX- transition music/sound/chime]
DM:
Inside a dimly-lit makeshift medical tent - we find Astris kneeling by Francesca's bedside, tending to her with focused care. Francesca’s mass of red hair is smoothed back and tamed as Astris finishes removing the last of the grime from her face. Thea sits in the corner wrapped in a blanket with Kinkfloof on her lap. Her eyes are unfocused, she pets the cat to soothe herself just as much as him.
The tortured bodies in the Tribunal Theater still hang heavy in her mind; things so horrible Thea still can't speak her fears out loud.
Thea:
[SFX- voice echo]
(via telepathy)
Astris? How are you holding up?
Astris:
[SFX- voice echo]
(startled by the telepathic intrusion)
Ah! Oh, Thea… Right. I forgot you can do that mind-speak thing. I'm okay, we saved Esca. That's all that matters right now.
Thea:
[SFX- voice echo]
Listen, I'm glad Francesca is safe, but Astris — you saw all the other bodies in the Tribunal Theater right? I, for one, am not fucking okay. So no! Esca is not all that matters right now!
Astris:
[SFX- voice echo]
I'm sorry Thea… I guess I saw but I didn't really see. It's hard to remember now, I had a crazy battle high at that point.
Thea:
(pulls the blankets tighter)
[SFX- voice echo, blanket shift]
Honestly I'm envious. I want to unsee what I saw so badly. But I can't. It's there in front of me whether my eyes are open or shut.
Astris:
[SFX- voice echo, floor shuffling.]
(she moves closer and holds Thea's hand)
Hold my hand. Tell me, Thea.
Thea:
[SFX- voice echo]
Bodies Astris… Gods, bodies were everywhere. Elf women with short hair who looked like you, tieflings like me, so many dragonborn… I don't want to see it.
Astris:
[SFX- voice echo]
I'm so sorry, Thea. The people there will be put to rest.
Thea:
[SFX- voice echo]
They wanna do that shit to us Astris. They showed us exactly how they want to hurt - you and me specifically. They wanted to scare us, and fuck if it didn't work on me! I can't… I can't go through that Astris.
[SFX - Thea crying, Astris soothing]
DM:
Astris lets Thea cry into her shoulder, rubbing her back supportively. Thea isn't shaken easily, so Astris knows it must have been bad. What she needs to say to Thea needs to be said out loud.
Astris:
I won't let them do that to you Thea. I don't care how many try. I won't let them hurt you.
Thea:
And I believe you.
(collecting herself)
Thanks, Astris. I think I needed to get that out.
Astris:
Always, Thea.
Thea:
You know what else is kinda fucked about all of this? I'm actually grateful for being spirited away for a whole decade. I admit, I was a little bitter about missing so much, feeling like I failed people. But realistically Astris, what the fuck could we have done?
Oberon knew what was coming, and getting me across the northern border was the only way he could be sure I was safe. I truly believe he saved our lives, Astris. And I love him, even more for it.
DM:
As Thea praises Oberon she can feel the jade statue wedged between her breasts give its warm throb of approval.
Astris:
We're gonna win, Thea. The gods are doing weird time magic to help us. We just took the Covenant capital city. I'd say, considering we don't know what we're doing, things are going about as well as they could.
Thea:
(tired laugh)
Fuck, you're right…
[Enter: Rhox]
[SFX- tent flap]
Rhox:
(sees Astris comforting Thea)
They said you were in here, Sweets. Everything okay?
Thea:
Yeah, we're alright. Just you know… talking through some things.
Rhox:
[SFX - clothes rustling]
(sits next to Thea)
Come here, Q.
Thea:
Yes please. Kinkfloof, buddy, it's my turn to be on a lap now.
Kinkfloof:
(annoyed)
Ugh, fine. But this floor is cold and I’m not happy about it.
Thea:
Thanks little buddy, go lay on Francesca or something. You being the fluffy little heater you are, it might help warm her up.
Kinkfloof:
(yawn, stretch)
I’ll pass, thanks. It's been a while since I took a patrol of the city, anyway.
[Exit: Kinkfloof]
Thea:
Okay, have fun, be safe. (to Rhox) Okay Rhox, time to get comfortable. Scootch your leg - wrap your tail here- and arm goes here… mmmm perfect. So warm…
Rhox:
(head kiss, chuckle) Comfortable, Q?
(to Astris) So Astris, how is Francesca?
Astris:
Esca is still resting. She’s okay, but it physically weakened her a bit. She’ll need some time, I’m sure.
Rhox:
Our people have allocated some rooms in the keep, Sir Astris, should you wish to move someplace more comfortable. I’m sure some of the healers would help you carry her up.
Astris:
[SFX- fabric rustling]
Thanks, I think I will. But, I’ll carry her myself. Just gotta wrap her up nice and snug - There we go. Hold on Esca, I’ll get you to a soft warm bed.
Thea:
(pouty)
Esca’s not the only one who wants to be carried off to a soft warm bed…
Rhox:
(snort) Oh, is that so?
Thea:
(giggle) Uh huh.
Astris:
Ohhhhhh, wow. You two still haven’t fucked yet. You should go do that. Niiiiiight!
Thea:
Yes, ma’am!
Scene 3
[Int. Keep hallway. Night. Rhox, Thea, DM]
[SFX- chime, footsteps]
DM:
Rhox carries Thea through the long halls of the keep. The smooth white stones reflect the torchlight as it dances across the walls. Thea’s tail flicks contentedly as she basks in Rhox's warmth.
Thea:
[SFX Thea - laughing]
You actually found the largest room in the keep? Honey, I was only kidding! Well.. kind of…
Rhox:
[SFX - door open]
(teasing)
Well, nothing is too good for the Mistress Cacophony.
Thea:
(groan) Nooo, Rhox. Not you too! (sigh) We both know she’s not me. Not actually. And I wouldn’t have given myself such an unflattering name. (huff) There’s nothing cacophonous about me!
Rhox:
[SFX - door close]
Yes dear.
Thea:
Hey! Oh come on, you didn’t think any of that was me did you?
Rhox:
(long exhale) The Covenant used you as a Boogie man. The tales of Mistress Cacophony and her Pale Knight started spreading through the land not long before the purges began.
So no, I didn’t think you were capable of killing all the pets in Haven, or cursing all the pregnant people. But I knew they were talking about you. I’ve been all over this land, and you’re one of a kind, Q. I… I was so afraid they’d already…
Thea:
Hey, hey - None of that love. I'm hard as hell to kill, you know that…
Rhox:
[SFX- bed sheets]
You sure fuckin are sweetheart, and you've even managed to snag the attention of one of the old gods. I can't say I'm surprised, look at ya...
(pauses to look her over)
I never thought I'd be with you like this again Q… It's been almost 12 years since you disappeared from the caravan. I didn't understand why you left, no note, nothing. It wasn't like you.
Thea:
I'm so sorry, Rhox… I didn't choose to leave… I wish I had better answers for you. After all of this you deserve answers… But I don't have any. I woke up alone, naked and covered in blood in the middle of a field. I had no idea why I wasn't with you in our wagon. I was fucking terrified. I'd never been so far from you.
Rhox:
I missed you so much Q. We tried to search for you. But you didn't leave a trail. Nothing! I never stopped looking for you. It became harder when the Covenant started hunting us, but I never stopped.
Though, fuck Q, I never would have looked for you that close to Dawnslight. You said you were in Haven right?
Thea:
Mmhmm. I was stuck alllll the way up there for two years before all this shit happened.
I know I do a lot of bitching about it but, I had a pretty good thing there. House, job, more gold than I could spend. The only thing missing was you.
Rhox:
(soft smile, cheeky)
You mentioned something about a bathtub you had outside? That sounds nice.
Thea:
It was. I used to take baths outside when the weather was nice. So you know, almost never.
Rhox:
(teasing, kisses her neck) Did you charge admission? I'm sure it was a popular event.
Thea:
(giggle) No, but I should have! Astris used to come by like clockwork though.
Rhox:
(kisses along her clavicle) I can't blame her. I've seen you in a bath, it's distracting to say the least.
Thea:
[SFX- sheets]
(squirms)
Rhox… are you really gonna make me ask for it?
Rhox:
You bet that purple ass I am. Ask nice, Sweets.
Thea:
(groan) Please, Rhox. You're what I've lain awake at night aching for. Please let me have you again…
Rhox:
Aching for huh? We can't have that…
Scene 4
[Int. keep room. Night. Astris, Francesca, DM]
[SFX- chime]
DM:
In a hallway, not far from Rhox and Thea's enthusiastic coupling, Astris carries Francesca tenderly to their room for the night, smaller than Thea’s but no less comfortable.
Francesca:
(groans) Uhhgg
Astris:
[SFX - door open+close]
(enters room and closes door)
Esca, you're awake, I'm so glad. Oh uh, hope you don't mind, I moved us to a room in the keep. Rhox said it was alright.
Francesca:
It's strange to be back inside the keep. I think I might even remember who's room this was… Thank you, it's perfect.
(pause)
Astris? Could you drag that mirror over near the bed?
Astris:
[SFX - Heavy dragging]
Yeah! Sit here. I’ll bring it over.
(sets Esca down, drags mirror over for her)
Of course! How are you feeling?
Francesca:
[SFX - blanket fall]
(let's blanket fall to waist. Turns to mirror)
Ah, that’s perfect. Thank you Astris. Ugh, I look ghastly… I’m sore, and annoyed and I should have seen all this coming. But alive, thanks to you.
Astris:
(looking away)
Uh the blanket fell… Um… Should I…
Francesca:
(ignores and interrupts)
Ser Maryam knew what she was doing with that rope, no circulation was cut off, and no welts were left.
(notices Astris blush)
You’re blushing, Astris. Do you want to feel the marks?
Astris:
[SFX - oily hands, bag rummaging]
(stammer)
Uhhhh I… I’ll get the healing salve Thea gave me! I’m just gonna start on your arms first. I’m really glad you're alright, Esca. Does this feel okay?
Francesca:
Oh it's much better than okay, thank you. The salve smells minty, I like it.
Astris:
[SFX- oily hands]
Wow these marks go all the way across your back. You're sure this doesn't hurt?
Francesca:
It feels very nice actually. You always had soothing hands Astris; I remember them well.
Astris:
[SFX - massage]
(pregnant silence)
What's it like to not have the belt on?
Francesca:
(waits a beat)
I'm pleased to be rid of it. But the path to taking it off was cruel by design. Sir Maryam knows us too well Astris. I'd clung to modesty for so long, I didn't realize I'd started wearing it like armor. If I was covered, if I was locked up… It felt like safety.
Sir Maryam knew this, and she sought to strip me of that safety. She publicly stripped me of my station, my clothes and my belt before binding me with rope. I hung from the ceiling of the theater for two days for people to gawk at my shame, and throw rotten food. Luckily, most of them had terrible aim.
Astris:
I never expected to find Sir Maryam here. Esca… I'm so sorry. We came as fast as we could.
Francesca:
I know you did Astris. It's okay. Really. Sir Maryam was sure she could break me, but I proved her wrong. She did her worst, and it wasn't enough. She failed to ruin me now, just as she failed to ruin us in Dawnslight.
Astris:
But, back at the church-phanage it was my fault we got split up. My fault we had these cages put on us. It's my fault you got taken off to the nunnery. If only I hadn't kissed you that afternoon…
Francesca:
(huffy.Cant believe she forgot)
Don’t be ridiculous Astris. I put my tongue in your mouth first, thank you very much!
Astris:
Yeah, but—
Francesca:
(turns around)
But nothing. Look me in the eyes, Astris. I'm not letting you carry that guilt around with you anymore. We did nothing wrong. Our feelings weren't wrong, the Covenant was wrong.
DM:
Suddenly, Francesca chooses to turn and face Astris. And in the time it takes Astris to blink, she suddenly has Francesca's breasts in her hands.
Astris:
(pulls away quickly)
Ah! I'm sorry Esca I didn't mean to touch your boobs!
Francesca:
It's alright Astris, I literally just put them in your hands…keep going.
Astris:
But the rope… the theater… you were so exposed. It isn't right for me to touch you Esca.
Francesca:
(smiles)
Oh Astris, you might be the most considerate person I've ever met. It's different with you, you're helping me reclaim myself. The warmth of your hands eases my nerves, and relaxes my mind. And you know how hard it is to do that last one.
Astris:
I um, okay. Yes Ma’am. Like this?
Francesca:
(chuckles) A little harder, or it just tickles. Mmm, yes just like that, much better. (pause) So… you know you have the key to your chastity belt hanging on that keyring… right?
Astris:
(surprised pikachu)
Oh… I absolutely knew that. Definitely. That's why I grabbed all of them. Every key I saw. The whole wall.
Francesca:
(knows Astris is lying)
You were very thorough, Astris. It’s the fancy one that looks just like the belt, with the matching filigree.
Astris:
Oh that key. Of course. I knew that. I was just gonna try all of them to be sure. But you're probably right Esca.
Francesca:
I know.
Astris:
Okay yeah. You know easy. Just put the key in the lock and remove my forever underwear. That comes off now, I guess. No big deal.
Francesca:
Do you want me to open it for you?
Astris:
Yes please.
Francesca:
[SFX - keys jingling]
(key fails. Shocked, annoyed, struggling)
Wait what? Why… Hold on. It’ll work. It must. It worked on me. It’s just a simple magical lock. Easy.
Astris:
[SFX - key in lock struggle]
Um Esca? It isn’t working though is the thing… So um…
Francesca:
Yes, I see that Astris! (sigh) It… it wont open… there must be something different in the way yours works. You manifest your armor from here do you not?
Astris:
Oh yeah, I do! That’s gotta be it!
Francesca:
(sigh) I feel you will need to take this up with your goddess.
Astris:
(whispers)
But Lilith… she’s… a little scary.
Francesca:
(murmurs back)
You are also more than a little scary when you want to be, Pale Knight.
Astris:
(flustered sounds)
Dawwwww, I mean Thea does most of the threatening, I just stand there and look scary.
Francesca:
(gently)
Perhaps we shouldn't bring up the mistress cacophony, while my breasts are in your hands, hmm?
Astris:
Oh! Yeah sorry. She's just a lot better at this sort of thing…
Francesca:
Astris. Focus. Just follow my lead okay…
Astris:
(gulp) Yes ma'am.
Francesca:
Good. Now, let me see your hand. Mmm, your hands are rougher than I remember, but I don't mind. Here, lower. Touch my waist Astris…
Astris:
(a kettle that's about to whistle)
You're just as soft as I remember… maybe even softer. I hate that they marked you like this.
Francesca:
[SFX - sheets rustling]
You'll just have to leave some new ones. (kisses Astris)
DM:
As Astris and Francesca soothe each other's hurts and find new pleasures, an owl watches from outside the window. Its large eyes reflect the stars, in all their distant wisdom.
Scene 5
[Int: war room. Day. Thea, Rhox, Astris, Francesca, Khor, DM]
[SFX - chime]
DM:
[SFX - plates, utensils, pouring]
Late in the morning of the next day our rebels slowly trickle into the war room, where a small but hearty spread of breakfast has been laid out. Astris and Francesca are the first to arrive, followed by Rhox carrying Thea to a chair at the table. Thea is still half asleep until she finishes her coffee, then loudly pushes to discuss the next steps of their plan.
Thea:
[SFX - fist pounding table]
So, I have no idea what to do next. Thoughts?
Astris:
We're supposed to find more nodes right? Like the one Rhox was stuck in? And cure the corruption? Right?
Thea:
Yeah, but there's nodes everywhere. How do we find the right ones? How many even are there?
Rhox:
You two are the ones chosen by the gods. Aren't they supposed to tell you these things?
Thea:
It doesn't exactly work like that baby. It's all a little more hands off and more vague than you would hope. But they clearly trust me and Astris to see it through. (snort) Why? I'll never know.
Francesca:
It's fair to say mortals never truly understand the will of the gods. They see in directions and spans, we cannot fathom.
Astris:
That's true. The Wise Master said something similar before Thea and I jumped into the portal to save Rhox.
[Enter Khor]
Khor:
[SFX - footsteps]
Good that you remember their words, Sir Astris. I have just spoken with the Wise Master, and they have a lead for us.
Thea:
Good morning commander Khor, I love when you bring me good news.
Khor:
Good morning Mistress Thea. The Wise Master says that the nodes you need to cleanse are the anchor nodes. There are not many, but they are spread far and wide. It will not be an easy journey for you.
Thea:
(sighs) Of course not.
Astris:
What's an anchor node anyway? How are we supposed to know the difference?
Francesca:
General Rhox, you were the one trapped in the node were you not? Is there anything you can tell us? Anything the Laughing Man imparted may be useful.
Rhox:
(doesn't want to talk about this)
I do not think my experience trapped in the node crystal would yield anything useful. I was not aware of anything outside the node until I heard Thea.
Francesca:
(pressing)
Anything. Even the smallest detail could send us in the right direction.
Thea:
[SFX - chair push back]
(protective)
He said no, flying nun. Anything he remembers, he'll tell me. Otherwise back off.
Francesca:
I was only trying to-
Thea:
I know. I'll handle it.
DM:
The air is tense and thick with argument. As the two most headstrong women in the room attempt to out-stubborn each other, Astris has a revelation.
Astris:
Thea, remember that storm? When we were on the plane with the node, there was a storm over Rhox and the node.
Thea:
(stops mid bitch)
The storm… Fuck Astris that's it. Remember how loud the wind was in our ears? Yet we couldn't feel it against our faces.
Astris:
Until we cleansed the node! The wind came back with a vengeance after that. Do you think the Laughing Man wants to steal or control the air?
Thea:
If there's other nodes we have to cleanse, I doubt it's just the wind he was after. He's got too much ambition to stop at just air. I bet he wants to control the other elements.
Francesca:
The Laughing Man promotes order from chaos. With strict rules and regulations for his followers. Him wanting to control the chaos of nature is very on brand.
Thea:
So he wants to subjugate the most wild forces around. Can't say I'm surprised, but the implications are staggering. A god with the ability to control when the rain comes and if the harvest yields, is a god that can bend nations to his will. It's terrifying to think about, and I for one refuse to sit quietly in his terrarium!
Astris:
I think you're right, Thea. But we still don't know where to go first…
Francesca:
You still need to visit your patron don't you Astris?
Astris:
Yeah… we've been making our way to the Ribbon. It just takes a really long time to walk there. And with everything going on, it hasn't been the most pressing thing…
Thea:
We had to save a few cities and friends along the way, but like you told me yesterday Astris - we're doing pretty well, all things considered. I'm sure Lilith will understand, she seems cool.
Khor:
Well, it sounds like you two know what you need to do next. Our forces will send word of our victory here. We will hold this city until your return. I can not over state the importance of this victory, you've given everyone here more hope than I've seen in years.
Thea:
… I should perform for everyone while I'm here right? We haven't had the time to meet and talk to everyone, there's hundreds of people here. It might be nice to let them know, we're here, we're real and we're gonna fight for them.
Rhox:
I know my troops wouldn't miss a performance by the Mistress Cacophony.
Khor:
It might legitimately be good for morale…
Thea:
It's settled! I'll play in the square just before dusk. (sigh) I wish I had my full costume wardrobe…
Khor:
Then I guess we all have our orders. The gathering will take place at dusk. Dismissed everyone. Good work.
Scene 6
[Ext: City square. Dusk. Thea, Rhox, Astris, Oberon, DM]
[SFX - chime]
DM:
[SFX - fire, crowd murmur+rustling]
As dusk draws close people begin filling the square, exchanging excited conversation: about the first major victory against the Covenant, about the performance they are about to witness, about the hope stirring where there was none.
DM:
General Rhox, Astris and a row of guards stand at the base of the stairs. Two braziers light the landing where Thea is about to perform. The low mumble quickly evolves into cheers as Thea takes the stage. Her fairy attendants fly out of their vessel on her belt and encircle her as she hovers above the ground, floating. She transforms before their eyes into the war bard they've only heard stories about. A shimmering gossamer cape of green streams out from the golden mantle that appears on her shoulders. A matching bodice clinches her torso, hugging and supporting her voluptuousness. And as she lands back on the stone, her shoes become golden heeled boots that travel up to her thighs. [SFX - shoes]
Thea:
[SFX - light reverb]
Good evening, beautiful people! I can't tell you what an honor it is to stand here before you right now!
[SFX - cheers]
You know me as The Mistress Cacophony. That title was bestowed upon me by the Covenant of purity.
[SFX - boos]
And now, friends, I use it to strike fear into their hearts!
[SFX - cheers]
But to you all, I want to be who I am -- I just want to be Thea. So, I'm gonna play for you all tonight, because tonight we deserve to celebrate!!
[SFX - crowd roar]
DM:
[SFX - jaunty lute music]
Thea strums the first chord on her HarpLute and an atmosphere of joy spreads throughout the crowd. Her amplified voice rings out as she leads everyone in a well known drinking song.
As the mood of the crowd grows so does the presence of Oberon around her.
Thea begins her next song to the feeling of fingers threading through her hair and caressing down her arms.
Oberon:
[SFX - echo]
My most succulent plum, too long has it been since you've had a proper audience for which to play. I will enjoy watching this.
Thea:
[SFX - echo]
It's been even longer since I've felt you like this. My little bar in Haven feels like a different lifetime…
Oberon:
[SFX - echo]
In many ways, it is a different life. Your old life could not hold you… it would have always been too small. And the blood of the Covenant, already on your delicate fingers.
Thea:
[SFX - echo]
You knew… You always knew didn't you? That I killed the revered Mother in Dawnslight? That's why you spirited me to Haven all those years ago.
Oberon:
[SFX - echo]
I did. It was everything I could do to reach you so far south. To gather you in my embrace, my blooming orchid, to keep you from the horrors ahead.
Thea:
[SFX - echo]
I've seen, now, the things you saved me from - the things they want to do to me. Thank you. I'm sorry if I was ungrateful, I didn't understand.
Oberon:
[SFX - echo]
There is nothing to apologize for. Your fiery disposition is one of my favorite qualities. Perhaps one day, I can help the passage of time mean less to you.
DM:
The crowd is hypnotized by Thea. They dance in the night with joyous abandon. Her attendants flit around her then out over the audience, leaving glittering trails of bright rainbow petals as they go. For her next song Thea mirrors her image and harmonizes with herself much to the pleasure of the crowd.
Faint trembles of pleasure can be heard in Thea's voice as Oberon's presence pulses around her. She can feel him caressing her thighs appreciatively.
Thea:
[SFX - echo]
I can feel you all around me, love. I feel lighter, faster… I feel invigorated. Give me more…
Oberon:
[SFX - echo]
Anything for you, my sweet aching flower… Keep playing for me.
DM:
The theatricality of Thea's performance is unlike any she'd ever done. The laughter and joy that looks back at her, only pushes her on. In part for her own vanity yes, but there is a deeper feeling, harder to put into words.
She can not remember a time in her life she has seen this many different non-humans all in one place. She feels free to really let go, and trust the people like her would understand.
Rhox watches her with open-mouthed wonder. He thought he knew everything about Thea, but he's never seen her play like this.
Rhox:
Astris, is this how she played in Haven? I had no idea she'd gotten this polished.
Astris:
Well Rhox, Thea always packed the tavern full on Friday and Saturday nights, like it was nothing. Momma Griz said she was the best bard Havens’ had. But what she's doing right now has no comparison. I've never seen her perform like this.
Rhox:
Atta girl Q.
DM:
Dizzy and more than a little high off the warm afterglow of Oberon's embrace, Thea makes eye contact with Astris and pulls her up onto the stage.
Astris:
Oh shit.
Thea:
(to Astris)
I can't end the show without my Pale Knight.
(to the crowd)
I dedicate my last song of the night to the person responsible for keeping my ass alive long enough to get here. Please everyone, let's hear it for our very own Pale Knight, Sir Astris!
[SFX - cheers]
Astris:
Um hey everyone! We're gonna get em real good!
[SFX - cheers]
Thea:
We will soon be leaving Utopia to continue gathering allies and freeing other occupied cities! But fear not, for we will be victorious! And we will return to this very place and sing and dance again when the Laughing Man and his generals are dead!!
[SFX - wild cheers]
So I'll leave you with this my friends-
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile,x
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile,
Óró, sé do bheatha 'bhaile
Anois ar theacht an tsamhraidh.
Scene 7
[SFX - chime]
[Int: Astris’ room. Night. Astris, Francesca, Lilith, DM]
Astris:
[SFX - sheets rustling]
(yawn)
Thea sure does know how to throw a party! If I wasn't so used to being on my feet, I'm sure they'd be hurting right now.
Francesca:
The Mistress certainly is… loud. And it was nice to see everyone in such good spirits. It's been some time since I've seen that many genuine smiles… I'd almost forgotten how nice they could be.
Astris:
I'm going to contact Lilith in my dreams tonight. I'm not exactly sure how to get to the Ribbon, I'm hoping she'll have directions or something. And maybe she’ll know more about my belt.
Francesca:
A wise course of action Astris. I'm going to stay up and read a little longer. I'll keep watch over you in case anything goes wrong.
Astris:
Aw, nothing's ever gone wrong before, but thanks Esca!
Francesca:
Of course, Astris. Sleep well, and safe dreams.
DM:
[SFX - eerie sounds]
Astris closes her eyes and lets the dark embrace of sleep ferry her unconscious mind to her patron.
[Int. Lilith's dream sanctum]
[SFX - dripping, chains]
To Astris it is as if she's closed her eyes and opened them to find her Goddess; Lilith stands tall, lean, and terrifying. The space is dark, Astris can never see much here. Only the sound of dripping blood suggests movement in Lilith’s domain.
Astris:
Ah! Oh wow, that was easier than I thought it would be… Hello! Um greetings Lilith, it's good to see you again. Thank you for um, seeing me?
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
Greetings chosen daughter. This is the first time you have come to me seeking guidance. As fate would have it, one of my favorite concubines is missing. I believe you met Carmilla. She has not yet returned to me. Find her, and bring her home to me, then you will at last stand before me in my sanctum.
Astris:
Carmilla never came back? It's been over a week since we um… helped her get home. We'll find her my Lady, but we are short for time. The situation with the nodes and the Smiler…
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
I have a strong suspicion that where you find Carmilla, you will find your node. Search for her near Sedimenterra. It was, until recently, a safe place to land. But that region has grown unnaturally quiet of late. Now, drink my daughter, and grow strong.
DM:
Lilith's shadow grows somehow darker as she leans over Astris. Her long fingers cups Astris’ jaw as she lovingly drips blood from her monstrous mouth into Astris’. Ah, mother's milk, how sweet.
Astris:
(sputter, cough) Okay… but if I may, miss, maam lady goddess. Ca… can you stop mamabirding me blood for one moment, I have one question…
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
(amused) Oh? Ask me, chosen daughter. But I believe I know already.
Astris:
Um so my chastity belt won't come off. I found the key, but it doesn't work. Francesca said it might be because I use it to transform.
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
The owlet is correct. I have given power to that which was meant to control you. And now, you are unstoppable, daughter Astris.
Astris:
Oooohhhhh nice, thank you! This armor really has kept both me and Thea alive. I am grateful! I promise! It's just… I would like to be able to take it off? Just sometimes!
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
Not yet. But soon, be patient.
Astris:
(disappointed)
Oh….
Lilith:
[SFX - Reverb/echo]
Join me in the Ribbon Astris. All shall be understood. And make haste. Carmilla is capable, but she was wounded. Bring her home, my paladin.
DM:
The dream melts away in a curtain of blood as Astris starts awake, coughing and gasping for air. She's drenched the bed in a feverish, blood-tinged sweat. Francesca sits beside her, changing the cool cloth on her forehead.
Astris:
(a little out of breath) Well… I know what we have to do next.
Scene 8
[SFX - Chime]
[Int: Breakfast. Morning. Thea, Astris, Francesca, Rhox, Kinkfloof]
Thea:
What the fuck do you mean you’re not coming with us?!
Rhox:
Sweets, you know I can't just up and leave my soldiers. I'm their General, they need me. The city needs me here.
Thea:
But I need you too! The big goopy man in the sky wants my exquisite head on a pike!
Rhox:
[SFX- arm rub]
I know, Q. I know. That's why you've got Astris, she won't let anything happen to you.
Thea:
(pouty)
Yeah, but… she can't do that thing you do with your tongue.
[Enter Astris, Kinkfloof and Francesca]
[SFX - door, footsteps]
Astris:
You okay Thea? I thought I heard you yelling.
Francesca:
(under her breath) I dare say, that's just her default volume.
Thea:
Mmm? Yeah I'm fine. Just finding out that Rhox isn't coming with us when we leave.
Astris:
Oh he's not? That sucks. I guess that's just as well. I talked to Lilith last night, and we need to leave today.
Thea:
(whining) Today?! We just got here! I was expecting a few more days at least!
Astris:
Thea, Carmilla is missing. Lilith can't see her. She's in danger, we have to go.
Thea:
Carmilla?! Shit.
Kinkfloof:
(smug)
Told you that would get her attention.
Astris:
Lilith said to search for Camilla near a place called Sedimenterra. She said it's likely we'll find our next anchor node there. So we should probably listen. Cause it's the best lead we've got and she's my Goddess and stuff.
Thea:
Alright, alright, fuuuuuck. I need a few hours to get ready.
Astris:
That's fine with me. Esca, how long do you need?
Francesca:
Ah, about that Astris. I'm not coming.
Astris:
What do you mean you're not coming?!
[SFX - Thea and Rhox laughter]
Francesca:
I'm staying in Utopia. I've already discussed it with Commander Khor. We need to re-enforce the city, close up any remaining secret passages. No one here knows the city better than I do.
There are other Covenant sisters who have stayed, who felt trapped under the Laughing Man. I must help them, Astris, they are still my responsibility.
Astris:
(sad but gets it)
Yeah… That makes sense. They do need you too I guess…
Thea:
[SFX- boots scuffing]
(dragging Rhox back to bed)
Mmmm so sad! We'll definitely miss you Franny. See you in two hours Astris. Come on, Rhox. There's a few things I need from you.
Rhox:
[SFX - footsteps]
(grinning)
Yes ma'am.
Scene 9
[SFX - chime]
[Int. Underground chambers. Midday. Thea, Astris, Francesca, Rhox, Khor, DM, Gurt]
DM:
In an effort to avoid telegraphing their moves to the Laughing man, our heroes plan to depart in secret.
They meet under the keep in the pink slime-covered chamber of the Slime Princess, Gurt, to say their goodbyes. Thea and Rhox are attached at the mouth while Astris and Francesca give each other meaningful glances.
Thea:
(kissing, panting) You better stay safe while I'm gone Rhox… If you're dead when I get back, I'll fucking kill you.
Rhox:
(kissing, panting) I love you too, Sweets. Don't worry about me, I won't die before we make these bastards pay. Then, we'll have all the time in the world to never leave our bed again.
[SFX - fade out Rhox, fade in Astris]
Astris:
Francesca, I want you to keep my key safe, until I get back…
Francesca:
(affectionately)
Until you get back, Astris.
Gurt:
[SFX - slime]
Thea, Astris - remember, follow the ley lines. You can sense them when you're close enough if you tap into the power of your deities.
When you secure the next node, you'll be able to contact me from there. I'll gather everyone when you call; don't worry, this isn't goodbye.
Khor:
I've assigned our best underground scout to lead you as close to the Ribbon as we can. I've never heard of this Sedimenterra, but I'm beginning to see I should trust the Gods. The Wise Master believes you will succeed, and I am inclined to believe them. Go forth and spread word of our victory, this city will be a bulwark against the Covenant's persecution.
Thea:
(muffled through kissing)
Thank you Khor. We'll return as fast as we can. Mmm Rhox, baby, I'll call you on the ley line whenever I can. Gurt, does it send images?
Gurt:
No.
Thea:
Damn. Well, I'll make do.
Astris:
Oh nice! Then hopefully we'll talk to you all soon, and we'll have good news!
(deep breath)
Alright, Thea, let's go.
DM:
[SFX Thea - whining]
After taking a minute to pry Thea off of Rhox, Thea, Astris and Kinkfloof follow the path on the floor clear of slime and head down into the large cavern that leads to the tunnels. Strange to think only a few days ago they fought a gargoyle in this very cavern; the memory is almost quaint compared to the Tribunal Theater and the Plane of Wind.
But onwards they must push, so with Kinkfloof on Thea's shoulder they follow the scouts torch as they descend deeper into the ground. The mood is quiet as they each acclimate to being on the road again.
Kinkfloof:
Just the three of us again huh?
Thea:
Looks like it, little buddy.
Astris:
And we've got a long way to walk.
[SFX - walking]
Thea:
Astris?
Astris:
Yes Thea?
Thea:
My feet hurt.
[End Episode 1]
Heeeeyyyyy everyone, I missed yall! I hope you enjoyed the first episode of Chapter 2, the audio drama years. It’s been a wild ride and we’ve learned so much making this episode! We have the second episode written and it’s being edited together as we speak! I hope you like it and be sure to follow slashandfuck on bluesky!
Before we go I wanna thank our cast of voice actors for absolutely knocking this out of the park!
Aidan Wegrzyn as Kinkfloof
Amber Tscherning as Lilith
Arielle Skye as Thea
Austin Wolfe as Oberon
Camryn Alexis as Gurt
Candace McAfee as the DM
Crit as Astris
Jaxon Arthur as Rhox
Jonathan Barrientos as Khor
And Madeline Harsh as Francesca
So as always everyone: stay safe, stay smart, stay sexy.