Astris and Thea end up in some hot water as we approach the Covenant city of Utopia.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Dylan:
[0:36] Welcome back to slash and fuck Thea Astris you've made it out of the slime canal or slime tunnel that was where we last left off but leading to that thea you had a date and what a date the cute boy yeah and he was sweet and you guys might see each other again sometime who knows hopefully.
Cap:
[1:08] You know we're keeping it casual for right now but like it was a lot of fun.
Dylan:
[1:12] Yeah Astris you got to see Thea in all of her 9 foot 10 foot glory for a moment big Thea get picked up Get some uppies for the first time.
Crit:
[1:27] And I also got some meat.
Dylan:
[1:30] Yeah, and you went and got a bunch of different. No, you got one kind of meat. And some. It was a tube kind of. Yeah, it was thick, ground up insect pate. But really, yeah, Astros, you actually went on a little food journey. Because Kink Flu said some things that made you feel seen, maybe. maybe, where he was like, yeah, everybody down there, they just eat because it's like fuel to them, you know, nothing more. And you're like, yeah, right. Then he described some delicious foods and why he likes being up here because the food's delicious. And you had your way with the seasonings. You know, you reached around and touched some of the local cuisine. You had your own kind of date.
Crit:
[2:14] The Earth Movers gift. Oh, no.
Cap:
[2:17] Why?
Dylan:
[2:18] Yeah, you got a couple of those.
Crit:
[2:19] Yeah, some gifts. They're in my pockets.
Dylan:
[2:25] Yeah, they gave you some choice ones, too. Yeah.
Crit:
[2:28] Oh, these are the good ones. Yeah. That's good.
Dylan:
[2:31] You get some big ones. Nice.
Crit:
[2:33] Yeah, I'm fondling them a little bit while we look out over this.
Cap:
[2:38] Bleh.
Crit:
[2:39] Utopia.
Cap:
[2:41] Utopia.
Dylan:
[2:42] Uh yeah speaking of keith blue he uh he's coming along with you and it seems like though he's very paranoid and um dodgy and feeds you a lot of bullshit he feels more comfortable now that he's not just following you and that he's with you guys so So it's probably a layer of that onion that you might need to peel back to get to the enigma of Nixie or Kinkfloof, if you will. He's sitting under the lowest branch of the fern that you guys came out of. When you came out of the slime tunnel, you are up on an elevated foothill with a tree and a big rock and a fern kind of covering the hole. Kinkfloof is on high alert because he sees the castle and city of utopia you know it's not quite nighttime yet so he doesn't have full concealment you know there's there could be a million things that's going through his his head tiny little head but yeah i'm sure you guys are keeping it low too you're in the bushes and you're just checking things out i'm.
Cap:
[4:00] I am i believe currently shifted into looking like just like a dude just like a big dude nice i'm.
Dylan:
[4:08] Just like.
Cap:
[4:08] A guy just like the most unassuming looking just i'm just a guy just a guy.
Dylan:
[4:12] Just a guy yeah just a fucking guy just an innocent man yeah.
Cap:
[4:16] Just an innocent man yeah.
Crit:
[4:17] It's probably a little startling every time i like turn around and see like a not thea.
Dylan:
[4:22] Yeah just winking uh yeah.
Cap:
[4:26] And then i'll like i'll like wiggle my shoulders in a way where like oh oh it's weird seeing.
Dylan:
[4:31] This wiggle.
Cap:
[4:32] In not Thea.
Dylan:
[4:33] Yeah like.
Crit:
[4:34] Okay it's definitely Thea but that's weird yeah.
Dylan:
[4:38] Before you guys uh go anywhere you know as I said uh as we closed up last session you saw the prominence which is a volcanically active mountain, Right here in the Midlands, it's like just smack in the middle. And it seems like it surges from the ground, you know, in this straight, sheer cliff along the sides of some parts of it. And the city is built up against the side of one of these sheer parts of the mountain.
Cap:
[5:11] Oh, so they're that close to each other. Oh, fuck.
Dylan:
[5:14] Yeah. And something else you notice, and the sun is setting, so you're losing daylight. light but what you can see and hear is a lot of smoke and industry and that pounding that you heard when you were in the tunnels you think you can hear you that that same rhythmic you hear it coming from utopia and uh yeah you you're starting to see like the fires of different types of industry it's a far distance to see but it looks like they might be mining into the mountain itself oh.
Cap:
[5:50] No they need to stop trying to go underground fuck off don't.
Crit:
[5:55] They know there's lava in there.
Dylan:
[5:56] So yeah you see the road uh to your right south and wow you do notice the the it's a beautiful time of evening to be out it's clear out it's beautiful weather it's just very nice and And you're appreciating, maybe just a bit, seeing the sky again. I missed it. And to the south, you see the sky turn darker and darker black to that blood red line along the horizon. And back up to the north, you see that familiar, fractured-looking, starry aurora. Back home to Fae Daddy. That way.
Cap:
[6:40] So far away. way.
Dylan:
[6:43] And you remember how like when you would get further north it would seem like the sky got closer to you.
Cap:
[6:48] Yeah it's kind of neat being in the middle of like both of them equidistantly spooky i feel like it's been a while since like since i've been this far south like south enough to see the ribbon properly yeah um.
Dylan:
[7:04] You both were from Dawn's Light originally in the Midlands, but it's further behind you, west. You are now on the, you're in the eastern, would be considered the eastern Midlands. So you bypass going to Dawn's Light, but found yourself in the Rising Capital.
Cap:
[7:27] Just sprung up out of fucking nowhere. Nowhere.
Dylan:
[7:30] The prominence you notice has large pieces of it look like it's marble. And it seems like they used a lot of that marble to create a lot of the city. As the sun sets, do you guys want to make a plan on approaching? You could walk along the road. You could walk off of the road easily enough and loop around where you wouldn't be seen up further north and to your left. craft you could also try to maybe approach the prominence from around the outside of the city and see what's going on there with their mining operations yeah.
Cap:
[8:08] I think well Astris let's get off i think we should get off the road yeah okay.
Dylan:
[8:16] You're not you're not on the road you're on the you're on the secret exit of the slime channel oh cool.
Crit:
[8:22] We should.
Cap:
[8:22] Avoid the roads.
Crit:
[8:24] Yeah like miss lisa said definitely not take the road because it's probably littered with more cops yeah exactly.
Dylan:
[8:31] Yeah on the road i mean you see torches of people with uh caravans or you know wagons things like that coming going but you're you're pretty high elevation and it's pretty far away from here but yeah there's there's traffic a bit not a ton but Yeah.
Cap:
[8:49] We should definitely not go on the road. Yeah, well, I guess let's head toward the prominence. See if there's a way in that doesn't involve us going through the city founded to eradicate us?
Crit:
[9:08] Yeah, exactly. I feel like the mining operation sounds kind of intriguing with regards to getting to hot lava, melty, melty.
Cap:
[9:19] Yeah, it could at least give us a way into tunnels if there are tunnels in there.
Crit:
[9:25] It'll get us into the mountain.
Cap:
[9:26] Which could be useful.
Dylan:
[9:28] Fall uh Kinkfloof appears between both of you on the ground looking up he's you know seems like he's agreeing it's like yeah definitely stay off the road i've been watching though and i think there's centuries something off the road there's people without torches out there can't quite make out either way it's dangerous i think we should go to the city though oh why because you because Because you have the really good disguises, and we can gather lots of very valuable information to use against our enemies.
Crit:
[10:07] Uh-huh.
Cap:
[10:08] But... The leg, though.
Dylan:
[10:12] Yeah, nobody's gonna, I mean, I think it might be- How are we.
Cap:
[10:16] Gonna explain the leg?
Dylan:
[10:19] It's huge. I mean, we'll just, look, we'll just bend it and put it in the bag, like, deeper. Okay, we'll have to take some of this stuff out.
Cap:
[10:28] Excuse me?
Dylan:
[10:29] And he is, like, walking towards your bag, Thea.
Cap:
[10:32] Absolutely not, Kat. You touch my shit, I swear to God.
Crit:
[10:37] Yeah, I don't recommend that.
Dylan:
[10:39] Like one ear goes back and he like flinches a little bit and he's like, okay, um, I think it would probably be in our best interest if we went into the city and, you know, you can always find a tavern or like a bar, you know, where the bartender knows things and there's like people there who know stuff and, you know, maybe a place to, uh, sleep and get, you know, maybe get some dinner, uh, something. thing but we should recharge our batteries in a place that's uh nice and warm and has bed and, i'm not i mean am i alone here and he like uh rubs against thea's uh and just kind of turns on turns on the charm he's like purring and then like rolls around a little bit and like touches as your toe looks up.
Crit:
[11:33] Astros crosses her arms and is like, I hate to admit it, but I think he's kind of right. I don't think we can.
Dylan:
[11:40] He instantly gets up and does the same routine with you and just like rubs against you and then sits down and looks at Theo like.
Crit:
[11:46] I don't think we can go into the caves like this unprepared and unrested. I feel really defeated saying this.
Cap:
[11:58] But how are we unrested?
Dylan:
[12:01] Because you haven't eaten a decent meal in a long time. I mean, ask me how I know.
Crit:
[12:06] He's not wrong.
Dylan:
[12:07] You know, therefore, ergo, vis-a-vis, I have not had a good meal either.
Cap:
[12:18] Well, you know, sometimes we have to tough it the fuck out.
Dylan:
[12:22] Oh, my God. He puts his, like, throws his face back and sits down in the same motion. and you see his tail just flick back and forth and he just kind of sits down and puts his face like in his paws. Looks like he's shut down for now when you put your foot down.
Crit:
[12:41] Astros is like, wow, Thea, I'm impressed actually. I'm really proud of you.
Cap:
[12:48] He just wants food and a fucking bed. He doesn't actually give a fuck. A bullshitter can call a fucking bullshit.
Dylan:
[12:57] You hear him saying, he's like, these things are important.
Crit:
[13:00] Uh-huh well i think uh whatever you want to do thea i i i'll i'll keep you safe either way Astris is just incredibly gullible so, you're gonna be persuasive.
Dylan:
[13:18] Uh yeah kink floof uh just kind of trudges away you know if a if a cat and trudge and like kick rocks you know a little bit he's walking a few feet around, yeah he'll be fine like what do you want to do you want to go into the mountain i.
Cap:
[13:38] Want to get rid of that fucking leg before we go into the city i don't like the idea of taking that thing in there it weirds me out.
Dylan:
[13:46] What if it what if it like kills everybody in the city i really Really fucking doubt that. And be like.
Cap:
[13:53] I don't know. This thing feels like it wants.
Dylan:
[13:54] Catching two mice at once.
Cap:
[13:57] It wants things. And I feel like that's where the evil thing that is in that leg is strongest. And I feel like taking those things near each other is bad.
Dylan:
[14:10] I'm not a big fan of fire.
Cap:
[14:14] Oh, you can lay it outside.
Dylan:
[14:16] I'll hang back a bit, but I catch really easily. I mean, I got to make sure that you guys succeed on your mission. I mean, obviously, that's what I'm here to do. He says and closes his eyes slowly as he's hiding how he looks. Thea's attendants are all standing there with their hands on their hips looking extremely cunty right now. Like eyebrows raised really high and just looking for a fucking I wish you would type excuse.
Cap:
[14:51] Yeah, they can fucking smell what you're cooking. Yeah.
Dylan:
[14:53] All right. So you guys have a path set for you and you're going to head down outside off the road outside of the city towards the prominence and check out their mining operations. Now, a lot of what looks like the major mining operations look like they're going on within the walls of the city, but there are other mining operations going on outside of the city. You're not quite sure. Some, it just looks like they're clearing off giant chunks of wall, like for marble. Some looks like quarrying and others, it looks like they're going deep, you know, building shafts and things like that. And, you know, all about shafts.
Cap:
[15:35] Shaft expert over here.
Dylan:
[15:41] Yeah, okay. So Kinkloof mentioned that there are sentries out there that are not using torches.
Cap:
[15:49] It would be the smart thing to do.
Dylan:
[15:50] So you guys are going to have to be sneaky and on guard. And if you see one, either sneak around them or kill them quietly. Okay. Because they might have a whistle or something. Astris, I imagine you guys are changing into your outfits. outfits.
Cap:
[16:05] Or what like our magical girl outfits.
Dylan:
[16:07] Well not you're like not the final form outfits but like you're putting your armor on no no no oh wait yeah you're you're disguised you're disguised yeah we're just dudes trick cgm so you forgot where you were you got lost is that your story oh.
Cap:
[16:23] Yeah we don't really have one i thought we were pilgrims oh yeah oh that's right we were We were pilgrims that got lost on our way to see the great city.
Dylan:
[16:35] Yeah, you got blown off course.
Cap:
[16:37] Yeah. From dawn's light.
Dylan:
[16:41] There you go.
Crit:
[16:42] Yeah.
Cap:
[16:43] We're from dawn's light and we got lost. There were some brigands and they hassled us. And from then we were afraid of the road. And then we got lost, you see.
Crit:
[16:52] We got separated from our main group, which is why we're so lost.
Dylan:
[16:56] Lost kink loof looks very concerned oh.
Crit:
[16:59] No we're just poor.
Dylan:
[17:00] He's like let's just hope we don't have to talk to anybody i'll.
Cap:
[17:05] Pull something out of my ass i hope.
Dylan:
[17:06] He's like okay try to be and he's staring right at Astris as he's saying it's like let's everybody try to be as stealthy as possible oh god yeah roll your stealth checks oh is that, As you make a stealthy approach with your dark vision.
Cap:
[17:27] I can inspire you.
Crit:
[17:29] Yes, please.
Cap:
[17:30] I'm going to say, shh, shh, shh, and now you get a D4. Oh, I'm sorry. D. I'm sorry, a D6.
Crit:
[17:41] Nine.
Cap:
[17:42] What the fuck?
Crit:
[17:44] I rolled a six, and then I rolled a one on yours. I rolled a 15. Hmm.
Dylan:
[17:50] All right. like the shadows themselves honestly uh thea this is the first time you've witnessed it you see kink floof stealth and start to hide on purpose and he's not hiding from you he's just stuck like being a stealthy boy and uh you see him just as quick it's it's his quickness and also just his uncanny ability to stick to the shadows and his ability to climb walls and and all that kind of stuff added together. But to see it, it was frighteningly fast. If you blinked, you might have missed it. And he just shoots forward in the grass. And you can barely see the grass moving, just at the base.
Dylan:
[18:35] Astris, you see Thea crouch low and blend in with the shadows well enough. The clothes are the right color. The blue hour is passing, so there are not really any shadows here at the moment. But you see her melt into the shadows as well. Astris, as you go to follow her, your foot catches on the knot of the tree you were just hanging out under. And you stumble a bit. You don't fall down, but you stumble a bit, and the supplies in your pack just kind of clanged together like something that was wrapped up, like unwrapped a little bit, and just like clang, clang, clang, clang, and you just stop yourself immediately. And you just see eyes poke out from the tall grass.
Crit:
[19:23] Oh, great.
Dylan:
[19:25] For two sets of eyes, being Thea's and King Flew's.
Crit:
[19:28] Oh, oh.
Dylan:
[19:29] Looking at you, judging you.
Cap:
[19:31] We're judging you.
Crit:
[19:31] Oh, that's worse. i can't kill you guys.
Dylan:
[19:35] Um but they end up moving to the side and they're flanking you as you're making your way down the hill it just can't be helped you'd have to go through your pack and retie everything so it's just like fuck it it's a lone traveler that is kind of like the assumption so.
Crit:
[19:51] Just play it cool.
Dylan:
[19:53] Yeah just be cool you're good at that but.
Cap:
[19:56] You're so roll for cool great when has that ever failed.
Dylan:
[20:02] So after a while, Astris, I'll let you roll another stealth check if you want, because it doesn't seem like you like nobody like ran up on you with horses because you were just pretty far out at night. You know, if you if the sound did carry, you know, it was 15 minutes ago and like you're like, I don't know.
Cap:
[20:22] All right. No one. No one cared enough. No one gets paid enough to care.
Crit:
[20:26] Seven.
Dylan:
[20:27] All right. So we're rolling with what we got here. very consistent at least so not raising suspicion because it doesn't seem like somebody's trying to sneak up on anybody over here I don't.
Crit:
[20:39] Know what he's rolling be worse.
Dylan:
[20:42] It was an 8 oh my fucking.
Cap:
[20:45] God, it's really just just the bottom of the barrel fighting itself.
Dylan:
[20:52] I usually keep that to myself but I had to let everybody know it was an 8 beautiful uh on contraire uh i am the dm therefore my roles suck uh you all hear after asteris stumbled yet again and the clinking got worse and you're like oh it's the cooking stuff great the forks are out of the thing great you both hear noises up ahead and it sounds like movement it sounds like armored movement from two sources coming up in front of you uh as if a couple of people are walking up towards you actually roll a perception check i.
Crit:
[21:31] Have that one.
Dylan:
[21:31] Oh okay yeah so you can just put your i'm just kidding oh i.
Crit:
[21:38] Get to add something to it though.
Cap:
[21:39] I was like what what um shit what was my five 15 again no more that dice you put that dice in jail that was three different dice three different dice, your fucking hand is cursed.
Crit:
[21:52] Oh, I'll try my left hand.
Dylan:
[21:54] Yeah, you gotta do it the hard way.
Cap:
[21:57] Ha, just.
Dylan:
[21:59] All right. So, Astros, unfortunately, the cooking stuff that got out in your pack is distracting as hell because it's right next to your head. You did hear some people coming up. They were loud enough that you were like, oh, like there's some people. But you're not really hearing what they're saying or anything like that. But, Theo, you hear two men whispering gruff voices, you know, keep it down, keep it down, that way. It sounds like they're trying to be stealthy, but they're not. they're kind of wheezing and they seem a bit out of shape not not the most stealthy guards you've ever seen but then again you don't hear any others and those are the ones you need to worry about can.
Cap:
[22:40] I i want to try to distract them and send them farther away by like making a noise somewhere else oh wait i have thaumaturgy for that i don't need to make an explosion uh so that's exactly what i'm going to do i'm going to try to.
Dylan:
[22:52] Use your instrument because you can make it go twice All those spells go twice as far with using it.
Cap:
[22:59] Oh, that's right. All right. So I'm going to sort of like use my instrument. I'm going to like pluck the sounds of like dishes clattering or something. But like making it sound like it's farther toward the road. Like those sounds maybe just bounced off of some weird stuff and came from the road. I want to try to make some sounds in that direction that might persuade them to think that maybe those were just sounds that were bouncing off the hill weird.
Dylan:
[23:25] Okay. Yeah. Is there a role for a thaumaturgy at all?
Cap:
[23:30] It just kind of happens, I think.
Dylan:
[23:31] It's just a limited wish type thing.
Cap:
[23:33] Yeah.
Dylan:
[23:34] Okay. That's fine. I would like you to roll a performance check with advantage because you're using your cool instrument.
Cap:
[23:42] For my cool instrument. Okay. Okay. Those are good. 18.
Dylan:
[23:50] You make a rattling noise with your instrument, you know, clacking on the hollow of it with your nails and sort of hitting the string just a bit, muting it on the way down, giving it a weird, clacky, thumpy, unnatural noise going off from north west of you. Let me see if these blokes can decipher.
Cap:
[24:15] These blokes over here.
Dylan:
[24:16] Yeah, see if they know it's what. They seem to fall for it.
Cap:
[24:26] Idiots!
Dylan:
[24:27] Yeah, you fucking idiots.
Cap:
[24:28] Fucking idiots!
Crit:
[24:30] Fools.
Cap:
[24:31] You fools!
Dylan:
[24:33] I'm going to say, I mean, I forgot to make you roll a stealth check to get around them, but it doesn't seem like you really needed to position yourself like that anyway. True, true. So, you know, you went through the brush, you made some weird noise that you discovered practicing in bed one night, And you're like, whoa, that's like a weird thing.
Cap:
[24:52] That's a fucked up little sound I just made.
Dylan:
[24:54] And yeah, it works to perfection. They're like, who's that? And you hear him scuttle off like wheezing. Stomping through the brush. And it seems like he got through this patrol.
Cap:
[25:09] Once they're gone, I like poke out and I look at you like, bitch shush.
Crit:
[25:13] I feel like I just successfully hid. That's what that felt like to me.
Cap:
[25:18] You know what? what i'm gonna give that to you you made it you listen you.
Dylan:
[25:21] Avoided them.
Cap:
[25:22] The once but we won't be so lucky again you'll only be so lucky so many times.
Dylan:
[25:27] So that's the thea that's what you're trying to like tell her with your eyes with your finger in front of your mouth and uh Astris you see her kind of like looking intently with her finger in front of her mouth and you're like yeah we did it we we were so quiet hell yeah and you return the favor like hell you're nodding you did it so good.
Crit:
[25:49] I'm like this.
Dylan:
[25:50] Must be our special.
Crit:
[25:52] Sign this is.
Dylan:
[25:53] Our special sign yeah hell yeah.
Crit:
[25:59] Boys wanted a cool friendship sign with somebody.
Dylan:
[26:04] And that's how you take that another bonding moment I love this another installment of Thea's.
Cap:
[26:13] A Bitch and Astris is a Cinnamon Roll.
Crit:
[26:18] I'm failing up, you know.
Dylan:
[26:19] Hey, you made it past the first patrol.
Cap:
[26:22] Only seven more to go.
Dylan:
[26:24] But that implies another one.
Cap:
[26:25] Exactly.
Dylan:
[26:26] How many you do not know. But you're getting closer. Kinkfloof is appearing every once in a while and directing the path.
Cap:
[26:37] Excellent.
Dylan:
[26:37] He jumps out ahead and then kind of bounds back. And it's actually pretty cute because it's like a pounce motion. You know, like he's got his feet in front of him and everything. And he's like, stop, you know, he doesn't say anything, but you're like, oh, uh, yeah. So he'll like pounce, uh, in front of you to stop you. And then he'll kind of jump off a little bit in a different direction than stop. And then like, look behind him. Once you start moving, he'll blink slowly and then, and then disappear. Yeah. So every once in a while, Kinkfloof directs your path. This time he comes back and stops you. and uh it looks like he has a bit more alarm on his face and doesn't do his normal thing and looks like he's lying low and just crouching really low where you are um so roll some stealth checks all.
Cap:
[27:27] Right can i like assist her since last time went so poorly can i like try somehow to To assist her ass?
Dylan:
[27:34] All right, roll yours first.
Cap:
[27:36] Okay. Okay, that's good. Oh, that's really good. Okay, wow, that's some numbers. Oh, fuck. Okay, 16 plus five.
Dylan:
[27:49] Okay, 21.
Cap:
[27:50] Yeah, okay, thank you.
Dylan:
[27:51] Yeah, so you come up to Astris gliding across your old footsteps. so as to not make any noise, you clasp the part of her pack that has been making noise, and you start walking with her in rhythm. And, Astris, I will give you advantage on stealth now.
Crit:
[28:19] Holy shit.
Cap:
[28:20] Oh, God, please.
Crit:
[28:26] 19 oh fuck yeah saved me all.
Dylan:
[28:31] Right so something about walking in lockstep Astris and you've never done it stealthily before but you've done plenty of marching drills and things like that but yeah walking in lockstep and you're like oh this is how you do it quietly okay you do realize the noise you know just got muffled and you're like all right that helps a lot but what really helped was watching her do it and doing it at the same exact time so it gave you uh more insight into keeping quiet at least in this environment how.
Cap:
[29:05] To move like you're doing crime.
Crit:
[29:07] Now i realize how loud i was being earlier and i'm a little embarrassed the.
Cap:
[29:13] Guards never caught anybody.
Dylan:
[29:18] Yeah no you do know because you start timing your breathing as well you know you're picking up everything that she's doing and you're like okay and as you get into rhythm with her that's when you notice the true silence and you're like oh it was me.
Cap:
[29:34] It was me.
Dylan:
[29:37] Truly so let's see if these guards can see you.
Cap:
[29:42] These fucking guards.
Dylan:
[29:43] We got a 19 and a 21.
Cap:
[29:46] Yeah. Please be underpaid and overworked and not give that much of a fuck. That's what I'm banking on is apathy.
Crit:
[29:55] Sleepy drunk boys.
Dylan:
[29:56] Can always count on the DM to roll.
Crit:
[30:00] That's a five and a six.
Dylan:
[30:01] Yeah. Oh, fuck. Basically snake eyes. Oh, wow.
Cap:
[30:05] They're so dumb.
Dylan:
[30:07] Imagine if I had advantage. You know, it's like that's the type of shit I get. it um anyway it's not for me it's for you um yeah you guys just stop where you are at first and then you start moving in it like it looks like you're rotating from your position like you're moving around somebody as they're coming towards you you actually smell a cigar and you hear somebody hawk a loogie and you can just hear them just waltzing ready to just crunch, crunch, crunch as loud as can be not trying to be stealthy and you move or you maneuver around them easily and quietly and they just didn't see you at all and kept moving along.
Crit:
[30:52] I do the, the hand sign from before the like quiet one.
Cap:
[30:56] Like, yeah, I look over, and I also press my finger to my lips, and I go, mm-hmm, and I nod. Like, yes, yes, this is our thing now. Mm-hmm.
Dylan:
[31:09] I'm also gonna.
Cap:
[31:10] I'm also gonna tap you on the butt like good job oh.
Dylan:
[31:14] No i.
Crit:
[31:16] Love positive reinforcement oh my god.
Dylan:
[31:18] Now you can continue to walk like this or you can take a minute try to rearrange the pack a little bit but do it quietly thea could do it and uh you guys could work on it together with advantage uh whoever's stealthier if you want to because moving like this is going to be uh slow yeah we're not.
Cap:
[31:39] Always going to be able to be like right on top of each other so i think we should take the time and do it all.
Dylan:
[31:44] Right i.
Cap:
[31:45] Have i think the highest on stealth stuff so i'll i'll do the the role with the Astris help advantage thank you.
Dylan:
[31:53] All right yeah.
Cap:
[31:57] Okay those are both pretty good um so that's gonna be 17 all.
Dylan:
[32:02] Right i'm just gonna roll 3d 12 wandering trolls rolls pops up here that's fine oops it's cocked yeah.
Crit:
[32:15] But is it cocked how we like it exactly thank.
Cap:
[32:20] You we're on the same.
Crit:
[32:22] Wavelength, stupid and sexy.
Dylan:
[32:32] To Astris' credit the you know when you open it up it's a like a key ring of forks and spoons and stuff like that oh nice and that's what got out in one of the cups the like metal pots there is no way to remove that from the pot without making some noise and everybody cringes when you you do it and it does make a noise a little one but you think that they're far enough away now that it would have been drowned out in the just wild noises and they weren't really seeming to be paying attention that hard sick but yeah after you pulled it everybody just pauses nobody breathes and listens and it seems like you're okay like jenga yeah yeah it makes you you want to throw them into the wilderness, but that would make too much noise. You carefully wrap them up tightly and put them back and make everything secured. Yeah, that's fixed and you can keep moving on.
Cap:
[33:34] Sick. We do that.
Crit:
[33:36] Please don't make me roll.
Cap:
[33:39] Please don't make me roll.
Dylan:
[33:41] I know, usually I'll have like nearly an entire session with no rolls, but not this time.
Cap:
[33:48] It's going to be like falling down while running away from fucking glass wing all over again.
Crit:
[33:54] God.
Cap:
[33:55] That was funny as fuck though.
Dylan:
[33:57] All right. So now you guys are moving into more open field.
Cap:
[34:03] Okay.
Dylan:
[34:04] Less, less trees to just like, you know, be behind. There's one every 50 yards or something like that. But the hills are rolling so you can sort of stay behind things. You do notice as you get closer to the city that there is what looks like a guard outpost made of either a dark wood or a painted wood that you couldn't see before. And there are horses stabled on the far side. it looks like either there's no windows or there's curtain windows or something like that but there's a little black building over there which you could only assume is some sort of satellite guard unit best.
Cap:
[34:49] Avoid that yeah.
Crit:
[34:51] I hate this.
Cap:
[34:53] I'm scared you should know exactly how they operate this is your forte.
Dylan:
[35:00] So at this moment you don't see anybody outside, do you want to try to avoid it at all costs like go around it it's going to cost you some time this is pretty much in the direction almost like it's set up there for a reason yeah.
Cap:
[35:18] Yeah almost like it's a good place to put it.
Dylan:
[35:21] Yeah it's.
Cap:
[35:22] Almost okay strategic.
Dylan:
[35:24] And know that the fields get more and more open the further around this hut you go do.
Cap:
[35:31] All the sides have windows.
Dylan:
[35:32] You they all.
Cap:
[35:33] Kind of look like they're like covered over at least or something like that.
Dylan:
[35:36] Either doesn't have any windows or they are completely shuttered but you don't see any light is the main takeaway from it i think.
Cap:
[35:43] As long as we continue stealthing if we can just like sort of take the most obfuscate the way with the most obfuscation.
Dylan:
[35:52] That would be right by the hut all right oh we'll.
Crit:
[35:56] Never see it coming.
Dylan:
[35:57] I'm not going to draw you a whole map but it is the most advantageous way to get by. Otherwise, it would leave you far too vulnerable. Downhill of a dangerous position.
Crit:
[36:10] Oh, with the open fields, right?
Dylan:
[36:12] Yeah.
Cap:
[36:12] Okay.
Dylan:
[36:13] I don't like the idea of being out in the field. We could spend an extra hour or two going really wide, but even then we're still like, we can be seen against the side of the hill. You guys have been sneaking for a while now, and it's definitely full dark. now do you want to go really slow and try to walk uh Astris through this one again like you did with the pool the billiards and all that i.
Cap:
[36:37] Feel like that went well so i feel like i should do it again, I'm going to help.
Crit:
[36:45] Let's march stealth.
Cap:
[36:48] 14 plus 5, 19.
Dylan:
[36:53] All right.
Crit:
[36:54] For me? Yeah, that's my roll, too.
Cap:
[36:56] That's my roll, too.
Crit:
[36:58] I also rolled that because she did it for me. It was a ghost roll. That's what it's called.
Dylan:
[37:05] You see Kinkfloof's eyes rise out of the grass.
Crit:
[37:09] This is the last die I have not jettled yet. so all right let's go up to you oh that's a 20 yes yes yes oh we're.
Cap:
[37:26] All so fucking proud.
Crit:
[37:28] Wait i don't remember if i had advantage no you didn't uh you.
Dylan:
[37:32] Went raw on that.
Crit:
[37:33] One Brow.
Dylan:
[37:35] So proud. Yeah, so you saw Kinkfloof's eyes poking out, looking pretty like, oh God.
Crit:
[37:44] Judgmental.
Dylan:
[37:46] And then, Astris, you stare right back with furrowed brow, and you're like, watch this. And you just sink into the shadows and do exactly what Thea was doing. Oddly enough, even quieter than she was the last time when she was helping you.
Crit:
[38:06] Damn.
Dylan:
[38:08] And Thea, you're surprised by this too. You're like, oh, geez, she is a quick learner. That's crazy. And Thea, you're starting to get why she was picked for all of the athletic things for whatever she does.
Cap:
[38:22] Oh, yeah. It's a jog.
Crit:
[38:24] It just clicks.
Dylan:
[38:26] Yeah.
Cap:
[38:27] It just makes sense. Physicality.
Dylan:
[38:29] And as you sink into the shadows, Astris, you do see Kinkfloof's eyes slowly blink and disappear in approval, you think.
Crit:
[38:39] The void is proud.
Cap:
[38:41] All of the positive reinforcement tonight for Astris.
Crit:
[38:44] Yay! I have ideas. Like, is there such thing as a stealth paladin? Because I want to be that now.
Cap:
[38:56] Oh my god.
Dylan:
[38:57] So you guys all do your thing you blend into the shadows and start making your way downhill just a little bit out of sight of this hut having to cross a dangerous crossing you all scuttle across when you see that it's clear you do it silently no dust kicked up anything and you You make it just past the hut on the southern side where you can just start to see the stables and the horses are starting to make some noise. They're agitated. And Astris, you can make an insight or an animal handling. Thea, your stomach starts to drop as you hear the horses starting to get riled up.
Crit:
[39:46] Twelve animal handling.
Dylan:
[39:50] Um nice yeah just from your knowledge of war trained horses uh if they're already making noise they know you're here fuck and you know that they're about to make a lot of noise and they're gonna alert the guards if there are any in there but you assume there are because there are horses so you know you only have let's say a round or two to do something before the horses start going crazy and the guards come out of this building.
Cap:
[40:25] How far are we from the nearest tunnel inside how far are we from the base of the mountain so we should just fucking book it maybe it's.
Crit:
[40:34] Like you could kill all those horses.
Dylan:
[40:36] So between, yes kill the liability I.
Cap:
[40:46] Mean I could bring that roof down on top of them.
Dylan:
[40:48] And then that could be the reason they.
Cap:
[40:51] Started making noise.
Dylan:
[40:52] So just faulty.
Crit:
[40:54] Buildings so still.
Dylan:
[40:55] Unfortunately it is more and more clear the closer you get to uh and exposed the closer you get towards this mountain you're going to be heading first downward off of the slope that you're on right now where this this hut is into a valley that's may as well be a giant meadow uh with you know large rocks here and there uh nice uh yeah definitely and there are guard towers on the far end oh nice um so this place wasn't set up by noobs you're starting to see um this is this is a hard one uh but no torches have been lit no actual like shit has happened yet i.
Crit:
[41:40] Think they can smell us.
Cap:
[41:42] All right so here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna get caught and i boof into shorter more buxom version of of you with longer hair and i'm just like we're sisters.
Dylan:
[41:59] Now asteris yeah you see before you what what could be very well be your little sister uh you do notice that she made herself like your hotter little sister though like so good you're like oh okay all my insecurities okay right.
Crit:
[42:21] Yeah that's what okay.
Dylan:
[42:23] That was.
Cap:
[42:25] A buxom man too.
Dylan:
[42:26] Like i don't know what i don't.
Cap:
[42:27] Know what you're insinuating it's like it's like he had huge titties.
Dylan:
[42:32] Gumdrop.
Crit:
[42:33] Would always turn into like a pink version of something like.
Dylan:
[42:36] Yeah yeah it's.
Cap:
[42:38] It's boobies on everything.
Dylan:
[42:39] Um so asteris you see her skin start to ripple and change into the prettier version of your little sister if she existed and as she does that you see a kink floof come running up bounding and jumps up into thea's arms and right Right when he lands in her arms, he turns white. And then he has this really innocent expression on his face. And it's just kind of... Like he's never seen any of this before. He's so innocent. He's just seeing things for the first time.
Crit:
[43:17] I'm going to call him princess.
Cap:
[43:19] Princess.
Dylan:
[43:20] He looks over you sharply for just a second and then goes back over to his act.
Cap:
[43:29] Me all right Astris I need you to be desperate and scared oh all.
Dylan:
[43:35] Right time to be uh just innocent women alone it is time to play.
Cap:
[43:44] The stereotypes so hard there.
Dylan:
[43:46] We go i.
Crit:
[43:47] Don't have a knife.
Dylan:
[43:50] I'm not armed I can't kill you with.
Cap:
[43:52] Every implement in this room I aww.
Dylan:
[43:57] So we.
Cap:
[43:58] Should bang on the door.
Dylan:
[44:00] Oh we're.
Crit:
[44:01] Gonna have sex on the door.
Dylan:
[44:02] You don't have time to get up there and bang on the door but you do have time to group up say what you're doing and change your eye the way you look and King Kloof does the same and you're both like aww at the same time and then you hear the horses start you know going crazy and making crazy horse noises, and you see the door to the hut, Bang open.
Cap:
[44:31] When all the loud things start happening, when the horses start screaming and the door bangs open, I clutch him tighter to me and I give a scared little scream.
Dylan:
[44:41] Okay. And Kink Floof is clutching back and looking over his shoulder at the door that just opened, silently screaming.
Cap:
[44:53] Internally screaming.
Dylan:
[44:54] Kind of looks like he's making the noise that you're making. making um and you're all bundled together looking very um uh distressed when you see uh four guards come rushing out and they have swords and they have uh crossbows they have torches that looks like they're just lighting as they're running out and um one of them's running over to the horses Versus one of them is running the other direction and two of them running straight out. You guys aren't hiding. So the two guards immediately in front of you see you and they call out. And they're like, here, there. And they point out and all of the guards look at you.
Cap:
[45:44] Look like I'm about to start crying.
Dylan:
[45:48] They immediately rush over And they're looking around You know they see you And Astris And they take it in but they're looking around for threats They're looking for like What's chasing you And they're like what is it What are you doing out here How did you get out here.
Cap:
[46:08] We got lost Off the road Where are we.
Dylan:
[46:16] Astris, do you want to say anything or are you just crying?
Crit:
[46:19] I'm just looking pitiful and not protective or helpful at all. And so I'm just looking pitiful.
Dylan:
[46:25] Okay. So I would like to see a performance from Astris as she's taking a backseat looking pitiful. And Thea, I would also either like a performance or a persuade, whichever is higher, as you're taking the lead here.
Cap:
[46:47] Oh yes likewise oh all right um that's uh 17 plus 6 so 23 thank you thank you someone who can do math oh.
Crit:
[47:05] I forgot mine uh 22.
Dylan:
[47:08] Really yeah okay all right so these guys don't seem like idiots uh-huh it's actually the first thing you both notice they're not like what is what's going on, they're like clear concise they came out in formation they had like what they were doing and they immediately started you know searching the area for danger and ask you what's going on so they are looking at you uh with extreme suspicion and skepticism but you can tell they bought it from both you and Astris like you're both selling it even uh um Kinkfloof is selling it like they're they're like trying not to look at them you know they're like that's just fucking like they're looking at you and Astris Astris are you looking at sexy at all are you just looking kind of like uh beat up older sister um, Or like beat up sexy older sister.
Crit:
[48:09] Yeah, yeah, I'm the.
Dylan:
[48:12] You've been dragging your little sister along this whole time having to be the strong one. But, you know, so you're the dirty one. I'm such a handful. Yeah, so you're showing a lot of skin through ripped clothing. And Thea, you're always sexy, but you're playing it up even more. So you're pushing your tits in their face and, you know, bouncing on your toes and doing the whole thing. And it works. Everything's working. And you know it. You've got them. You're like, okay. And they were tough customers. You know, it's like dealing with a cop in the middle of Russia, you know, in the middle of a happy hour.
Cap:
[48:52] Listen, I know I look guilty, but I'm not guilty. Right.
Dylan:
[48:56] And they're like, oh, okay. And they're like, are you sure it's just you? You're not fleeing from anything.
Cap:
[49:03] No, um, we stepped off the road just a little. I, um, and then I blush because I don't want to talk about it because it's like, you know, going to the bathroom or something like that. And it's just so embarrassing.
Dylan:
[49:14] Hey, hey, it's, it's okay. And he like puts his hand on your shoulder. And I kind of look over like, thank you. Yeah, we're here. We're here now.
Cap:
[49:24] We've just been trying to get back to the road. We've had such a hard time finding it. I thought we would spend the night out here.
Dylan:
[49:33] No. Not on our watch.
Cap:
[49:36] Oh, thank you.
Dylan:
[49:38] You're safe now.
Cap:
[49:40] I told you we'd find someone. Someone who'd help us.
Dylan:
[49:45] You hear the other guards in the back who are just like, I don't know how they got past Jake and Derek over there. They're adding it up and stuff, and they're just like so they just wandered over here through several patrols of stealth guards and stuff i don't know how to tell you patrols suck but like so they're there it seems like because they bought your whole act and everything they're just like this is not gonna be good like you even hear uh one of them mentioned it's like i bet he was smoking out there too like that we have a no light policy fuck.
Cap:
[50:23] Yeah got.
Crit:
[50:25] Him in trouble.
Cap:
[50:25] They didn't see us and we got them in trouble this is the best we.
Crit:
[50:30] Did that special kind of damage that.
Cap:
[50:32] Um you can only do with the persuasion so.
Dylan:
[50:36] Astris from what you uh what you think because they've changed the insignias a little bit it looks like this guy's a sergeant or something so he's uh he's in that cool area where he has to be best friends with everybody uh level of management that you know you got to to see sometimes with the knights in that, that whole training area, but it's been a while since you've seen, uh, what looks like well-trained soldiers, especially wearing the armor you used to wear.
Cap:
[51:08] Wow.
Dylan:
[51:09] Yeah. They're like, where the hell did they get this fucking training?
Cap:
[51:13] When did these guys get good?
Dylan:
[51:15] You're like, if only I just waited.
Crit:
[51:16] Damn.
Cap:
[51:17] Yeah.
Crit:
[51:19] It's like when, when you come back to your school and they've got all these cool new buildings and every time.
Dylan:
[51:24] Yeah.
Crit:
[51:25] It's like, they get laptops now? What the fuck?
Dylan:
[51:29] Um yeah so he this guy who's holding your shoulder thea he uh introduces himself as uh devon and sergeant devon sergeant devon yeah god he sounds punchable he uh you know he's he's squeezing your shoulder assuredly but it's more like that uh he's showing off how strong his grip is bullshit. And, you know, the fact that he's wearing armored gloves and everything's really tough and strong about him.
Cap:
[52:04] And I'm just so impressed.
Dylan:
[52:05] And you are. You're melting into it and boy, he's fallen for it. You've got him. Astris, one of the other soldiers is coming near you too and he tries to console you. He starts rubbing your back.
Crit:
[52:20] Ew.
Cap:
[52:21] Ew.
Dylan:
[52:23] Do you, uh... Do you say ew? Or do you, uh... Do you just cry more and give me the impression that you need your space or do you actually like, you know, lean into it?
Crit:
[52:35] I'm the stufer older sister, but I want to give him the impression that I soften a little bit now that my job is done, right?
Cap:
[52:44] Now that we're safe.
Crit:
[52:46] We're safe.
Dylan:
[52:46] And you rolled so incredibly well on this guy. I'm going to give it all to you. So you, the second he puts his hand on your back, you start sobbing. you know you went from just like sniffling and trying to hide it and being tough to all of your defenses just went down because this man just saved you and he's here to help yeah, and he goes come here come here and you don't have to be strong anymore and, you're looking over you know over his shoulder you know through your hair a little bit at, Thea and you guys make eye contact and it's the most evil look that you could give one another just like yeah and then Astris puts the finger above her mouth and gives the stealth sign, and we'll say you did it smoothly enough that they didn't all just see you guys do it, signal to each other tapping the side of your nose or whatever.
Crit:
[53:58] Yeah, my fingers crossed behind my back.
Cap:
[54:00] Oh, my God.
Dylan:
[54:03] Yeah, and they're like, please come inside. Come out of the cold. And, you know, it's not cold out at all. It's a beautiful spring evening. You could be naked right now and be like, this is great.
Crit:
[54:14] We're so hungry, too. So cold.
Dylan:
[54:16] Yeah, and Kinkfloof, when you said you're hungry, just like meows and, you know, gets more pathetic and like, yeah, it gets fluffier. Yeah. And so the other guards, uh, you know, they're, they make sure everything is clear. They calm the horses down and, uh, two of them are just like, all right, let's go pull, uh, the first patrol and send them back here. And you hear them just kind of muttering about what they're going to do and debriefing, et cetera. It looks like they're kind of in deep shit. They're going to go, uh, one patrol at a time I'm going to ask why two dimmer little sexy women just got through their defenses.
Cap:
[55:00] Two suspiciously hot women.
Dylan:
[55:02] Yeah, blondes with a fluffy white cat crying the whole way.
Crit:
[55:08] Weak, innocent.
Dylan:
[55:09] Yeah, just weeping the whole time.
Cap:
[55:11] Listen, they get really uncomfortable when you start crying. I hate that it works, but it works.
Crit:
[55:18] Anything I can do to stop this.
Cap:
[55:21] Sometimes you've got to use sexism for you. Yeah.
Dylan:
[55:27] Yeah.
Cap:
[55:27] It's wild.
Dylan:
[55:28] And you enter in, which is a kind of a weird room. It's a room with another door, kind of like an airlock. And you see that this hut is double-walled. And on the inside, there are lanterns, very lowly lit. And it looks like it's sealed so that no light can get out.
Crit:
[55:52] Oh, somebody is home.
Dylan:
[55:55] Yeah. And then you see cards on the table, dice, um, you know, they're, they're out here for hours. Astris, you, you know, the drill, you're like, oh, yep. Okay. You know, you even saw the, the socks that were left out front, you know, like as like the rule that if you're out on a long stakeout or something, like if you're going to take your socks off, put them outside, things like that. So it's familiar and it is kind of nice a little bit, especially cause you're not killing anybody. You're having to defend yourself, uh, to be, it's almost a home, homely kind of feeling for you familiar yeah it's familiar and familiar it's you know it smells like the guards it's you know feels like the guards you know but uh yeah you get in Kinkfloof uh jumps down and goes under the table that they have their cards on and uh you're like please sit down and they pull their wooden stools out and give them to you um it's.
Crit:
[56:51] Gonna ruin their card game.
Dylan:
[56:53] Yeah they don't i don't think they care there's two women here so they're like get them some water and like one of them like pulls out some water and brings it over and then like the other one looks kind of shifty and then he he goes back and grabs another skin, and like pulls it out and he's like is that it's like yeah we're not supposed to have that i know and it's wine, and so they're giving you water and wine and they're digging through their bags and they're giving you rations and they're giving you hardtack and they're giving you jerky whatever they've got Asteris you know that you're basically eating all of their food, all the food they have out there for however long they need to be out here.
Crit:
[57:39] Don't feel bad this is a different kind of damage.
Dylan:
[57:42] Laughing, stomach lining damage and so yeah you're just in there oh yeah do you have any more i'm still hungry it's.
Crit:
[57:52] Been so long since i've had any food and.
Dylan:
[57:54] So you guys are being evil and uh just taking these guys for a ride attempting to the issue is is that the more that you take them on for a ride the closer and more comfortable they get and you know now they're sitting next to you their shoulder pressed up against you laughing putting their hand on your leg, doing the stuff and they're just talking about how lucky you guys are to be picked up so lucky uh you didn't end up you know killed out there in the field i.
Cap:
[58:25] Keep rambling on about how excited we were for the pilgrimage and how and how how deeply we value chastity and purity, yeah so just kind of uh talking about how excited uh she is for the pilgrimage to to the to the holy city and to see it with her own eyes and ask them questions i feel like the more questions she's asking them the less they can ask her right.
Dylan:
[58:53] Yeah they keep shifting the conversation to like what would have happened if like you guys had crossed the field or if like you had flashed a weapon or something and they would be like oh yeah no instantly and like your head would just instant you know all they really know is just like how big and strong and every time you know you bring up like oh like what's it like in the city and they're like well sometimes it's it's a little rough you got to put people in their place this one guy i'll tell you this you don't want to mess with me okay and they'll go on their story and it's every single one of them is just somebody brutalizing a drunk person or something like that and you're like wow wow wow.
Crit:
[59:35] I'm so glad.
Dylan:
[59:38] You were there and you know it all seems like important job believable because they're, They probably, yeah, they probably did do that.
Cap:
[59:47] Fucking pricks, obviously.
Dylan:
[59:49] But yeah, the more you drink wine with them, the handsier they get.
Cap:
[59:55] Oh, I go very slow. I'm not drinking that much.
Dylan:
[59:59] The more they hate.
Cap:
[1:00:01] Got it. Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dylan:
[1:00:03] And so they're getting the idea that they saved you and this is happening. happening if you i.
Cap:
[1:00:13] Keep pouring them just more wine and less water right like oh here let me fill up your drink.
Dylan:
[1:00:20] Yeah they're kind of like well we shouldn't but it's only those two and so you guys have been hanging and drinking for a little while and do you bring up the chastity not.
Cap:
[1:00:34] Like Like explicitly, but kind of just like in that like, wow, I so believe in the message of the church. And like, I'm very against sin and that kind of icky, filthy, sexy stuff.
Crit:
[1:00:51] It's so good that you found us and not some unholy sinners. Some perverts. Exactly.
Cap:
[1:00:59] We found the Lord's workers in you. And so we feel safe. these are men not monsters.
Dylan:
[1:01:06] Right so you are their egos up as noble uh protectors of women and they're getting into it yeah they're like i would kill i would literally if somebody came through that door i know and like and they were after you don't and they go into eye-watering detail about how they would just tear somebody absolutely protect your virtue right yeah just for you and this is you know very impressive they think um, So, you eventually steer it away from them thinking that they're going to have a shot tonight or anything like that. They definitely do have their hopes up because there are women here and you never know.
Cap:
[1:01:49] Yeah. You never know who's not a true believer.
Dylan:
[1:01:54] Right. That's true. They've heard it a million times, of course. Yeah. All girls are about purity, sure.
Cap:
[1:02:01] Yeah. Walk the walk.
Dylan:
[1:02:03] So they start saying like, all right, I think they're probably going to come back here pretty soon, Devin says. And then after a little bit longer, the patrol shows back up with the other two units. You can hear them coming inside. You come inside, the two guards that were with you stand up straight and act like they've been standing guard the whole time.
Cap:
[1:02:31] Probably have been.
Dylan:
[1:02:33] You know, just like right next to where you guys are sitting comfortably or as comfortably as you can on this normal. You hear the guard start asking him like, oh, you didn't hear these guys come in. Are you kidding me? Blah, blah, blah. And before they rip into him too hard, they kind of like shush him down. And they're like, this is going to the report and head back to the major and, you know, hand it to him. And so they get sent off, their heads down.
Cap:
[1:03:00] That's right. Naughty boys.
Crit:
[1:03:02] Shame.
Cap:
[1:03:03] Oh, wow. So glad we've got that sorted out. Is there a way back to the road? How far are we from the city?
Dylan:
[1:03:11] Sergeant Devin says, we can take you to the city.
Cap:
[1:03:17] Really?
Dylan:
[1:03:18] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:03:19] Our heroes.
Cap:
[1:03:20] Thank you.
Dylan:
[1:03:21] We had to send word out what was going on and get some people to replace our patrols, but got it covered, and we can take you there ourselves. I'm sure you don't want to sleep here tonight. There's no bed or anything.
Cap:
[1:03:39] Unless.
Dylan:
[1:03:40] You know, unless you're tired or anything like that. You're more than welcome, though.
Cap:
[1:03:46] I think I've got one last track in me.
Crit:
[1:03:49] That's right.
Dylan:
[1:03:49] Yeah, they look kind of disappointed. Their teeth have been stained from the wine, and you see their smiles fade.
Crit:
[1:03:59] Get we to a nunnery.
Cap:
[1:04:01] Get we to a nunnery, indeed.
Dylan:
[1:04:04] That's right. And they're like, all right, well, gather your things, and Kink Floof jumps up into your arms again, Thea, and is not happy about the food that was served. Every time they tried to give him anything, he would kind of sniff and shake his head and bolt back under the table. But this time he's like white, so you see wherever he goes. That's really funny.
Cap:
[1:04:30] It's his most vulnerable state.
Dylan:
[1:04:32] Yeah, he's not into it. So he looks a little perturbed, but it's fine. And yeah, they walk you out about a few hundred meters before they light some torches. and start walking you towards what seems to be their little path, or at least their entrance into the main city. It doesn't seem like you guys are going through the main, like the huge drawbridge type thing, heading towards like at an angle on the flank of the town.
Cap:
[1:05:04] Getting a back door through customs.
Dylan:
[1:05:05] That's right. This time though, they're asking questions like, what's your name? Where are you from? How long are you staying? What are you here for? That kind of stuff. Most of it is just perfunctory. They do try to get some sort of a story out of you. And Thea, what name are you going to go by?
Cap:
[1:05:28] Gertie Thistlebottom.
Dylan:
[1:05:30] Gertie Thistlebottom.
Crit:
[1:05:31] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:05:32] All right.
Cap:
[1:05:32] I think it's cute.
Dylan:
[1:05:34] Yeah. Fits the world naming scheme too.
Cap:
[1:05:37] I think it's cute.
Dylan:
[1:05:39] Yeah, they think it's cute too.
Cap:
[1:05:41] I like the name Gertie.
Dylan:
[1:05:42] Yeah, they really like it. Yeah, their eyes are just always up and down. Every time you laugh and it doesn't seem like you're looking, they're just checking you out, both of you. Yeah, and you're just giggling and bouncing.
Cap:
[1:05:57] Yeah, and pretending to not notice.
Dylan:
[1:05:59] As you get closer to the city, you see these walls are huge, and they are shiny. They are marble, or at least the outside of it looks like it's marble. So these smooth walls that no one would be able to scale unless you had a ladder or ropes or anything like that, giving it sort of its own intimidating appearance, like impregnable. And it's not reflective in the sense that you could see yourself in it, but it does reflect light a bit and gives us this sheen, this naked feel. The walls on the outside have this foreboding presence, like, don't come in here. You reach a small gate. Sergeant Devin brings you in and explains the situation to the guards and says that they need to get you to the monastery because they're both pilgrims on the trail. They look a bit more solemn when that gets brought up, and they're like, okay, and nodding at you. They say, okay, yeah, right this way. and um you're like devin would you like to take them and he nods and says all right he takes you uh out of the room but as you're leaving the the guard in there says look to the one in the mirror and.
Cap:
[1:07:26] To you as well.
Dylan:
[1:07:28] Uh and he nods seems acceptable so he takes you down uh out of this area up some spiral uh stairs dark and creaky torches and then eventually out onto a wooden platform that goes down some more stairs and it looks like you're finally coming out into open air and you.
Dylan:
[1:07:51] See now that you are in an outer Bailey with even higher walls before you and you get taken through another gate and more stairs and another gate and you go through through the inner Bailey and into the city that is fully walled like a castle the castle up at the very height of the city also has Bailey's but they're almost stylistic if anything else there there's they're short you know maybe 10 feet or something like that but they wrap around in a half circle around the base of the castle the the cathedral or church.
Dylan:
[1:08:35] And on approach, when looking at it, it gives the impression of a crescent moon, these walls leading up to the church. And of course, the church with its massive pointed steeple and spire and the mirrored moon hanging on it gives way to a striking and, again, Again, foreboding and claustrophobic feeling. Looking at the mirror, you can't see any... It's not like you can see yourself reflected back. You can just see the sky or somewhat of it, but it doesn't feel good. And looking around, you see that there are mirrors almost everywhere. There are obelisks in the middle of the road that are mirrored, that people are walking around and they're grabbing each other's hands real quick, looking in the mirror, laughing, and then moving on. As you keep walking down the road, roll a perception check.
Cap:
[1:09:40] Fifteen.
Crit:
[1:09:40] Fourteen.
Dylan:
[1:09:41] The city is clean, spotless. You see people cleaning. You see roadways being swept. You see, not like trash being picked up because there's no trash on the ground. It's not like a muddy pit of hell walking down the main thoroughfare like it is in most towns where you'd have to watch out for wagons and horses and all that. It seems very organized and peaceful and those straight lines. everything seems a bit more exposed you can see into people's stores and there's mirrors inside the stores that you can see through the glass into the building literal.
Cap:
[1:10:18] Police state yeah damn fucking god thea hates it here panopticon hates it.
Dylan:
[1:10:25] And there aren't many people out because it's dark but the few people you do see they all greet you kindly and in your opinion creepily everybody Everybody seems a little too nice. You remember on how Sundays you would go to service and everybody would greet each other in the morning and everybody would act really sappy and sweet. But there was always that kind of glint in their eye or there's that eye roll or that facial expression to let you really know what they actually meant.
Cap:
[1:10:57] Like the you know that I know.
Dylan:
[1:10:59] Yeah, like we don't like each other. This isn't like that.
Cap:
[1:11:02] The bless your heart of it all.
Dylan:
[1:11:03] This seems like the fake sappy part with none of the, you know what I actually mean. It does not seem genuine in the sense that like their friendliness seems fake, but it seems like genuine coming from them, if that makes sense.
Cap:
[1:11:18] Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dylan:
[1:11:20] Cult-like, I guess.
Cap:
[1:11:22] Yeah, yeah.
Dylan:
[1:11:23] Yeah, that's the vibe you're getting. There might be more weirdness, but at this point it's already weird enough and it's dark. But you continue on and you head towards the church. As you get closer, the symbolism of the smile, the crescent moon on its back, the mirrors, they seem to pop out everywhere. From tiling to brickwork to fountains to the way benches are shaped. everything is either reflective see-through or in some way shaped like that smile oh.
Cap:
[1:11:59] The theming is so strong hmm.
Dylan:
[1:12:01] But it's subtle in a way like it's it's hypnotic really it's like these people just keep doing it because it's it's what you do.
Cap:
[1:12:10] Thea hates every fucking thing about this. She hates this place. She hates this so much.
Dylan:
[1:12:17] And you guys end up, you're not walking straight up to the front doors of the church. You're taking a side street to the left and you're going around the side of the gardens and the courtyards and the cemetery. You see a white building that is sloped and has its own little steeple. It's more tent-like in shape, but made of solid materials. It has that tent-like bell shape almost.
Cap:
[1:12:47] Oh, okay, okay.
Dylan:
[1:12:48] Where there are rows and rows of flowers of all kinds, roses and vines, things like that. It's very pretty. A lot of ground cover. And again, hard to see at night, but very thick as you make your way through here into the monastery. Reaching the black double doors of the monastery, Sergeant Devin turns to you and says, I'm glad that you made it. I'm glad that we found you. I'll leave you here. And remember, you know you're pure when you can't help but smile when you look in the mirror. And he smiles at you. And he smiles at you, Astris.
Cap:
[1:13:31] Smile back.
Dylan:
[1:13:32] And then, that's right, big smiles.
Cap:
[1:13:34] Big smiles.
Crit:
[1:13:35] Show your teeth.
Dylan:
[1:13:36] And you notice when he smiles really big, his teeth are just gross, like really bad, like stuff between them, things like that. It's like gross, but it's over quickly and he leaves. You turn around and reach up to knock on the door on the knockers that are there, the big black knockers. iron knockers that are not shaped like breasts unfortunately i used.
Cap:
[1:14:07] Knockers they were sills titty knockers and thea is just gutted.
Dylan:
[1:14:13] Yeah yeah thea went to reach up and saw them and then just put her hand back down for a second was like oh and it uh reminds you of why you're here And before you can finish knocking, the first knock at the door, the door opens outward slowly, kind of floats and glides open and out steps a woman with red hair and freckled skin and brown eyes. She's shorter and just has kind of a maybe a bookish look to her. and she looks down at Thea and sort of down her nose as a mother superior does. Yeah, as a five looks down at a ten. Total mother superior vibes looking down at you with full judgment and then looking down at Asteris and you make eye contact. Asteris, you recognize this person.
Crit:
[1:15:14] Oh, shit.
Dylan:
[1:15:15] This is the healer, Francesca.
Crit:
[1:15:18] Oh, shit.
Dylan:
[1:15:19] From Dawn's Light. We'll end it there.
Cap:
[1:15:27] Well, never thought we'd be volunteering to get caught. But I'm also pretty sure that was the only way to get Thea into Utopia. Boy, did I not expect to come face to face with Astris' old flame, Francesca. Oh man, I am so excited to see how that goes down. So don't miss the next episode. Subscribe to us on your favorite podcast app. And don't forget to tell your friends about us. As our listener count grows, we can see that some of you have. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Truly, I cannot express how much this means to us. So until next time, my darlings, drink water and stay sexy.