Astris and Thea discover some horrible truths and meet a potential ally.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable hello.
Dylan:
[0:35] And welcome back to slash and fuck we last left off with you guys making your way out of the slime tunnels that led from the Minotaur village, and you made your way towards the great city of Utopia that is being built on the sheer side of the mountain, the Prominence. You saw it from a high angle above the road and decided to take, not the road, but the more stealthy route around towards the city. You're trying to get more into the mountain, really. And on your way through, you evaded some guards, stealth guards that are out there. Some of them didn't seem too bright, but you also had the help of a stealth cat, and there's some gods that are on your side as well.
Cap:
[1:38] Two and counting.
Dylan:
[1:40] That's right. Right. You eventually made it to the guard hut out there and had no choice but to allow yourselves to be captured. But you were so convincing as to lost, innocent babes in the woods that they took you in and your plan worked to perfection. Your performances were perfect. Asteris was the older, tired sister, and Thea was the younger, much prettier, more innocent little sister.
Crit:
[2:18] Naturally.
Dylan:
[2:19] You know, the guards, obviously, they took their shot until you, you know, you guys shut it down enough for them to be more like noble protectors and they leaned into that kind of role. And so, yeah, they brought you safely into the walls of Utopia. and uh an imposing sight you got checked in through a side gate and we're directed to the convent where upon the door opening astris recognized the what seems to be some authority within the convent her old friend francesca.
Crit:
[2:59] Gasp. God.
Cap:
[3:02] The sapphic intrigue.
Dylan:
[3:05] All right, yeah, and as we left off, she was looking down her nose at the two new young potential recruits, and her gaze lands on Asterisk, and her demeanor changes subtly. There is a brief look of shock and recognition, uh in her eyes as they widen for a moment before darting around looking in every direction and then uh pulling both of you inside uh very quickly kind of like she was grabbing a bunch of laundry out of something you know like and it was faster than you realize like her hands are super fast and you were moving were they soft uh yeah yeah they were very soft um but yeah it was very insistent and it's like she's done this with girls a million times but she got you through the door immediately and the door is closed you're facing her she looks pensive you can hear the ticking of a grandfather clock somewhere in this dark room you know that there are vaulted ceilings just from the echoes and the shadows and the only light is a candle that is on the side of the door there and you can see half of the mother Francesca's face.
Cap:
[4:32] For once in a life these I don't know if I could say anything.
Dylan:
[4:36] Asterisk you're probably a little shocked are you trying to hide how you're looking or feeling here at this moment are you just kind of yeah.
Crit:
[4:48] I'm not gonna give anything away I, I'm still stealthed actually.
Dylan:
[4:56] We're totally in disguise here she.
Crit:
[4:59] Can't see me and and but also i think um you mentioned the vaulted ceilings and like this is a place where sound is built to carry, you're not meant to have secrets so um arcs are us yeah do not acknowledge is like the game like it's all in the eyes right like i think i saw that she saw or saw that she recognized but But, yeah. Okay.
Dylan:
[5:26] You both stay perfectly silent as you hear the ticking of the clock echoing through this almost impossibly loud. Almost like it's set up to really put you on edge standing in this room. And she looks, she keeps looking back and forth. And for a little bit, she looks at Thea, and one eyebrow arches after, looks like she scans you a little bit, up and down, up and down.
Cap:
[5:59] She likes what she sees.
Dylan:
[6:02] Yeah. Yeah, she definitely sees you. Oh, Christ. And her eyes drift back over to Asterix. And Asterix is playing the silent game. And there's the very subtlest of nods. And she goes walking between you and walking down a corridor. door and it looks like she expects you to follow i.
Cap:
[6:29] Kind of like since we're playing the like long meaningful like glances game i'm going to look at astros and then like flick my eyes back at her like are we are we following are we going yeah.
Crit:
[6:40] I'll lead i'll like i'll follow since i'm the big sister.
Cap:
[6:43] Big six lead me and.
Crit:
[6:47] Yeah i'll give a little shrug as we go um and then give her a little signal of finger over the lips.
Dylan:
[6:54] And follow her yeah uh before she had uh walked between you she'd grabbed the candle and brought it with her so there is a bit of light ahead it's not just uh the sound of her flowing robes that you have to follow spooky but she does walk swiftly um you feel like children walking in the wake of a mother a grown-up and you're all grown-ups here um but she is taller than, than you. You remember she was taller then, but now with her outfit, her station, her mannerisms, uh, She has a very imposing demeanor and aura.
Cap:
[7:32] Feels like the church vintage. I hate this.
Dylan:
[7:35] Oh, yeah, it does. It feels worse. It feels like they decided to paint the walls black and make sure if you ever looked out the window, you could only see the ground.
Cap:
[7:45] Nice. Great. Wow. They've done so much with the place. See, they've improved on the model. Fantastic. Fuck. I feel like Theo's just slowly, slowly retreating into herself.
Crit:
[7:57] Yeah, that's the game.
Cap:
[8:00] She hasn't had to do that in so long. It feels weird. But like, I feel like she's able to do it really naturally. And I think that's what she doesn't like is how easily she was able to do that again.
Dylan:
[8:10] Yeah. And you do notice Thea walking through these hallways, the windows are either too high to see through, you know, they only let light in onto the the rafters and trusses. And you notice that the it seems like everything not just the vaulted ceilings but the hallways seem to close in on themselves so at the top so it just feels very claustrophobic it feels like everything is getting tighter and smaller around you even if it isn't.
Cap:
[8:37] Nothing but german impressionists out here i'm telling you.
Dylan:
[8:40] Very brutalist there is a moment once while you're looking up because there is light coming through just barely and you see through one of the windows just the tip of the moon rising into the night sky eye as you realize it's a waxing crescent moon. And as you walk further through what seems like hallway after hallway, door after door opening up, she has this big key ring, Francesca does, and opens up another door into another hallway that seems to loop back around in on itself, like a very long line or something. Eventually, she comes to a final door, opens it, and holds it open for both of you to walk through. And after you both walk through, she closes the door behind her and locks several locks. And it sounds like she makes a quiet whispered prayer at the door.
Cap:
[9:41] There's like panic looking at Aster. It's like, you didn't tell me they were going to lock us in. No one said anything about locking us in here, is what her eyes are saying.
Crit:
[9:48] I grab that.
Dylan:
[9:49] Way to speak with your eyes.
Crit:
[9:53] "'Take Thea's hand and squeeze it gently.', and reassure her with my eyes.
Cap:
[9:59] She squeezes it back.
Dylan:
[10:01] What you see in this room as Mother Francesca moves from the door to behind her desk is you see a very large dark wood desk very imposing a step higher than where the chairs are in front of it. She sits down in a wood-backed chair that matches the desk that has a pointed top giving it a steepled impression and the windows behind her are slatted and the light coming in from outside is leaving lines across the room behind you and she sits in a very imposing and shadowy position before you. Mother Francesca looks like she could be waiting for either one of you to start speaking but seems like she's hesitant to start as well not that you know her well but you would assume this is kind of uncharacteristic of somebody with such a cold demeanor and it seems like she doesn't really know where to start but she is looking between the two of you she eventually opens her mouth and she says while looking at Asterix she eventually looks at thea and speaks and says i suppose i should start with you the mistress cacophony i presume what.
Cap:
[11:28] No i'm just a little girl, and i i thought i would urge you my voice just so.
Dylan:
[11:37] It sounds it doesn't really get that far as you're like what i'm just the baby you know just a little baby she gives you you a piercing look that cuts you off an authority that broaches no argument uh just in her gaze but something else if you'd like to roll an insight check yes.
Cap:
[11:59] Yes oh i'm gonna use my i'm gonna use my bisexual dice for this one bye dice bye dice, Oh, it rolled a hate crime. It rolled a five.
Crit:
[12:13] Hate crime. Hold on.
Cap:
[12:16] That's a five. That's a that's a that's a seven.
Dylan:
[12:20] All right. Fuck you, die.
Cap:
[12:23] Into into fucking by jail.
Crit:
[12:28] To buy jail.
Cap:
[12:30] Well, yeah, I feel about to strike out on this, too. So, you know, it's fine.
Dylan:
[12:34] Yeah, you you don't really pick anything up more than just like she cut you off with her eyes. you feel like maybe it could have been worse somehow uh just the look and she might have held back a bit but it it silences you just for a moment and she doesn't seem hard or accusatory but she seems very clear and resolute when she looks at you again and says i can see you and And you don't need to drop the disguise, but I will ask that you speak truthfully in my presence. She slides her gaze back over to Asterix. And it looks like, Asterix, if you want to make an insight check.
Crit:
[13:23] Desperately.
Cap:
[13:24] I'm gonna inspire you by kicking your foot.
Crit:
[13:30] But, like, the timing of it was so good.
Cap:
[13:40] Oh wait are we still holding hands i can squeeze your hand in a rhythm then thank you.
Crit:
[13:44] For the inspiration i rolled a 10.
Cap:
[13:46] It's a five.
Crit:
[13:48] And a five so thank you of.
Cap:
[13:50] Course.
Dylan:
[13:51] Uh this look that she gives you looks um maybe hurt that's all you can really pull from that but it's very subtle. And it's when she makes eye contact with you, there's just some little break in her gaze.
Crit:
[14:07] I feel ashamed, but like, not like, like how the church makes you feel ashamed. I feel like, like sad, you know, like, like there's a misconnection there. You know what I mean? Like all the circumstances, it's like, damn.
Dylan:
[14:23] She says less a question, more of a statement. You live.
Crit:
[14:28] As do you.
Dylan:
[14:29] She looks like she's kind of uncomfortable like there's some competing things in her head she straightens her shoulders a bit and says asks were you sent to the north to haven, were you trained to become a paladin um, Did you do all those things they said you did?
Crit:
[14:58] Not all of them.
Dylan:
[15:01] She breaks a little bit in her very stern outward appearance and says, I had assumed you died, that they had executed you. And thinking about it, you know, you're like, wow, that's crazy. But can you blame her? You know, they took you away, and then they said, don't worry, we center up north with the other paladins, where they can train to be paladins together.
Cap:
[15:32] On the paladin farm?
Dylan:
[15:33] On the paladin farm where they all run around together. What became of you?
Crit:
[15:43] That would have been nice. No, I just kind of, I think they forgot about me.
Dylan:
[15:51] There's been so many stories told. Many of them lies, I know it. I will speak plainly. Ever since they took you, I haven't trusted the covenant as much as I did before. I still went through with everything. They sent me to the convent as punishment, and here I sit. But I hear much here, and I know most of the stories are made up just to increase the influence of the Covenant.
Crit:
[16:23] You seem like you've done pretty well for yourself.
Dylan:
[16:27] She, again, just with her eyes, kind of looks around the room and at herself, and it almost looks disgusted. You are truly at war with the Covenant?
Crit:
[16:38] Yes.
Dylan:
[16:39] She looks to both of you and King Floof, who's been under the chair trying not to be noticed at all.
Cap:
[16:45] Hey, buddy.
Crit:
[16:47] Sneaky.
Dylan:
[16:48] And she says, tell me everything. And she sits back and listens to what you're willing to tell her about what happened to you, Asteris, from when you went from Dawn's Light to Haven. And then especially when Thea and Asteris met and the Day of Deceit was founded. responded so however much you want to tell her however honest you wish to be i'll just say that you guys spend some time talking about that and letting her know your side of things it is truly one way she's not giving you much that what i told you just now is about as much as she gave you but she seems like she's truly listening and it doesn't seem like she's judging more as she's calculating with everything that you say.
Crit:
[17:46] I mean, I'd be completely truthful up to Thea and me meeting. And so much that we were separated, they told me several things about what had happened to you that tainted, sick, put away, anything. I didn't know what happened. And that I'd be punished and retrieved at some point. And it just became like this indefinite thing, much like the patrols and the work. And yeah, I think I got kind of lost in that as well. But I met Thea there.
Dylan:
[18:31] Thea waves.
Crit:
[18:34] And she's helped pull me out of that fog, it felt like. So that's, in a way, brought me here. And then I looked at Thea to see how much she wants to share.
Dylan:
[18:48] So more I language to Thea about, well, you know, what do you think?
Crit:
[18:54] Yeah, or like if she wants to take over on this part of the story, you know what I mean? Like, now it's our part of the story, so.
Cap:
[19:00] It's true, but I mean, with all due respect, I don't know you.
Crit:
[19:06] Yeah, that's fair. and some crazy series of circumstances brought us here i feel like more than that is like and you know i don't want to.
Dylan:
[19:18] Well she'll um you know during this conversation uh she knows that there's going to be some evasion uh doesn't want to know all the details really but when they're when you do become a little evasive especially around the day of deceit she says okay and she She pulls out a scroll and rolls it and starts asking if you were responsible for these crimes. And you weren't because you were in fairyland for 10 years. She, up until the ones that you were responsible for, and some that you were kind of. Grand theft cart? You're like, maybe. Yeah. A lot of the, yeah, the grand theft cart, all that stuff, highly embellished. So you're like, well, yeah, but not really. You know, yeah, propaganda, but...
Crit:
[20:09] It was a horse.
Dylan:
[20:11] But after, I mean, this was a while, she goes listing all the things that you're accused for, and they're horrific.
Cap:
[20:18] They said I did what?
Dylan:
[20:19] Yeah.
Crit:
[20:21] And all the way from orphanage burning.
Dylan:
[20:24] All kinds of, the craziest stuff that you could come up with.
Crit:
[20:28] Not like that, no.
Dylan:
[20:30] Yeah.
Crit:
[20:30] God, no.
Dylan:
[20:32] And so it does get to the point where you're like, Like, okay, yeah, but it was almost 10 years exactly to the day of Dizzy, which you can tell she noticed and is maybe angling for where you've been.
Crit:
[20:46] That's not a question I can answer because it's not, it doesn't make sense to me, so I can.
Cap:
[20:51] It doesn't make sense to me. I mean, that's a really good answer.
Crit:
[21:02] Yeah.
Dylan:
[21:04] She actually, she takes that answer at first and she looks a bit taken off guard and then she seems to chew on it.
Crit:
[21:12] Oh no, see, I just told her, god damn it.
Cap:
[21:15] But you didn't tell her.
Dylan:
[21:16] You just said what it is.
Cap:
[21:17] Well, she in first. She in first.
Dylan:
[21:19] She nods a bit. And looking back at Thea, she says, you've obviously made your promises and your connections with the Fae of the North. I do not judge. But it is quite apparent to me and will be apparent to others.
Cap:
[21:39] Yeah, I suspect it as much.
Dylan:
[21:42] Asterisk, you, I don't know. What are you aligned with?
Crit:
[21:46] Asher's bites her lip.
Cap:
[21:51] Thea's definitely not grinning. Thea's not slowly making some popcorn.
Crit:
[22:02] No, she's not doing any of those things. And, well, you know. i don't know if i want to tell her god i'm embarrassed.
Dylan:
[22:24] King floof jumps in your lap and is like rolling around and.
Crit:
[22:27] Every time he catches your eye it's like what.
Dylan:
[22:29] The fuck but.
Crit:
[22:30] Um the.
Cap:
[22:33] End king floof are aligned in this.
Crit:
[22:34] Yeah i'm just gonna say i'm not Not sure I can say because I don't think I understand it either. You know?
Dylan:
[22:42] When you start to go into the, I don't, I'm just, she gives you likewise that look that cut you off somehow. Very practiced with it.
Crit:
[22:57] Give me a chill. That's not a chill wear. In my neck, weirdly.
Dylan:
[23:04] She puts her hand up and she says i accept your answers she looks like she's contemplating deeply, She looks up again and says, Your war is truly with the Covenant and no one else.
Cap:
[23:20] Thea will nod once but not say anything.
Dylan:
[23:22] It looks like she's saying a prayer, and she says, What do you mean to do?
Cap:
[23:28] I'm talking about that here?
Dylan:
[23:31] It seems like this is a place that she took you to for, like, one of the only places that you could talk.
Cap:
[23:39] This is a magical Faraday cage.
Dylan:
[23:40] Yeah plus you've already kind of given your life story here already or is you know you've incriminated yourself yeah um say nothing you got nothing you didn't yeah maybe in the court of law here in the united states uh you couldn't be judged here but i'm definitely not a tiefling in a cage despite.
Cap:
[23:58] All my rage.
Dylan:
[23:59] Yeah i.
Crit:
[24:00] Forgot to tell her about the chastity belt i wonder if she She has one.
Cap:
[24:04] Ooh. Things to investigate later.
Crit:
[24:07] Did they put you in?
Cap:
[24:09] Yes.
Crit:
[24:10] One, two. Did they?
Dylan:
[24:13] Are you locked?
Cap:
[24:14] Mm-hmm.
Crit:
[24:15] Are you locked and loaded?
Cap:
[24:17] Theo's paying attention really hard now.
Dylan:
[24:19] That actually looks like it takes her off guard.
Crit:
[24:23] See, I've just been talking about nasty stuff with my girls.
Dylan:
[24:30] So she looks at you asterisk again searching almost like looking everywhere around you and she says you still have yours.
Crit:
[24:46] Yeah like in a closet at home like sentimentally totally totally she.
Dylan:
[24:53] Shakes her head softly and And says, I didn't know. Those are used as a short-term punishment or to keep a dangerous spellcaster from...
Crit:
[25:11] They fucking forgot all about me, didn't they?
Cap:
[25:15] She just said that your pussy is a magical spellcaster. Listen.
Crit:
[25:20] Oh, I just thought they forgot to take it off.
Dylan:
[25:24] Well, it seems like they did.
Crit:
[25:25] Okay.
Dylan:
[25:27] Maybe.
Cap:
[25:28] Magic Pussy.
Crit:
[25:29] Magic Pussy.
Cap:
[25:30] I choose Magic Pussy.
Crit:
[25:32] She says, We'll never know.
Dylan:
[25:36] Those they wish to keep in line, they keep them in as long as they please. And she adjusts subtly in her chair. She says to you, if it is your wish to take apart the covenant of purity, skin to bone.
Crit:
[25:57] Yes, ma'am.
Dylan:
[25:58] I mean to help you. I know where they keep the keys. And she looks at Asterisk.
Cap:
[26:04] Can I like insight check for like, I just want to see if I can like, like for official, just like to see if like.
Crit:
[26:12] Yeah.
Cap:
[26:12] She's just trying to like get the information or if she's being genuine.
Dylan:
[26:15] Right.
Cap:
[26:20] Six and a half six and a half again six.
Crit:
[26:24] And a half is that what you said.
Cap:
[26:25] Dicks and a half i mean it was a six uh uh yeah that's a that's an eight my my almighty eight.
Dylan:
[26:35] Well if you didn't know any better she seemed really genuine to you oh.
Cap:
[26:40] Wow just so wow and.
Dylan:
[26:43] You're a really good people person you know you can read people you know like so you're you're like all right yeah she seems like she's being genuine no i'll tell you you didn't roll an eight and then uh you know and then she's like and then what rubbing her hands together evilly um you know her demeanor has been pretty pretty steady uh up until astris brought up the chastity belt where it seemed like she broke down a little bit and told you a bit of what she's willing to do.
Cap:
[27:17] Okay.
Crit:
[27:18] All right, so I'm actually really excited by what she just said, which was that she wants to help us fucking take them down from the inside. That's so cool.
Cap:
[27:27] Right, because everyone deserves to come. Let's destroy these fuckers.
Crit:
[27:32] Yeah, let's get them in the G-spot.
Dylan:
[27:34] They put the wrong bitches in chastity belts for too long.
Crit:
[27:38] Oh, yeah.
Cap:
[27:39] I feel as though... She's being genuine, so when she says she wants to help us take down the Covenant, so like, you know, hypothetically, if you were going to take them down, how would you go about it? You know, hypothetically.
Dylan:
[28:01] She looks over at the wall to your left, and it's just covered in books and tomes and scrolls. She says, while my own magical potential has been stoppered, I have been researching what I can from where I can. And I believe that Utopia and all of the developing cities of the Covenant are built atop the cross-section of ley lines. And beneath these cities, if you can somehow influence or capture this node at the intersection of these ley lines, you can help free the people of this mental disease. As far as Utopia, it sits built next to an active volcano, and they frequently fight many kind, but mostly these dragonborn that live within the prominence. And they have been building mines, mining directly to the city, straight into the catacombs. I do believe that the dragonborn intend to destroy the entire city and everyone in it. I do not know if they can pull it off, but I was willing to wait and hope for the best. I would go down with happily.
Crit:
[29:27] Damn, she's still hot.
Cap:
[29:28] Have you met with any of these Dragonborn?
Dylan:
[29:33] No.
Cap:
[29:34] You just know about them?
Dylan:
[29:36] Inquisitors would find out eventually.
Cap:
[29:39] Have they captured any of them?
Dylan:
[29:41] Yes, many. They sacrifice them. They bring them during the week of the crescent moon. They bring them to the inner sanctum, sacrifice them. I do not know what goes on within, but the outer sanctum is where they keep the keys to our chastity belts. I believe the inner sanctum is where the ley lines connect. And where we are geographically is somewhat quite center. I believe it to be significant, powerful.
Cap:
[30:13] Francesca, have you felt the presence of the smiler, of that terrible feeling that's watching you here all the time?
Dylan:
[30:23] Every day.
Crit:
[30:25] Have you ever seen it?
Dylan:
[30:28] Yes. Those who peer into the mirror, especially here or anywhere where his influence is strong, those who believe, those who fall under his influence, what they see is an ideal version of themselves. Smiling, cheery, clean. They have no motivation to bathe or take care of themselves because when they see themselves, they're taken care of.
Cap:
[30:55] They genuinely see that?
Dylan:
[30:57] Yes.
Cap:
[30:58] They genuinely see that.
Dylan:
[30:59] And when someone like us would look into the mirror, it would either show how you, as you truly are, where everyone could see your reflection, or you would see him. And you, thinking about it, all the people that you fought and encountered, I've described them pretty nastily, but...
Cap:
[31:24] Yeah, I'm recalling the guard's teeth as you speak.
Crit:
[31:28] And the smells.
Cap:
[31:29] Yeah.
Dylan:
[31:30] But it does seem, now that you're thinking about it, that they have gotten worse every time, as time has gone on, every time you've encountered them, they're just grosser.
Cap:
[31:40] So what I'm hearing is, is we all smell too nice.
Dylan:
[31:44] Perhaps a method of the Inquisitors to find and root out spies and non-believers. Their ways are unknown to me.
Cap:
[31:55] Hmm. Feels like they're trying to summon something. Ley lines and new gods can't be good things.
Dylan:
[32:03] I do believe the so-called impure, and she looks at Thea as if like, no offense.
Cap:
[32:11] Mm, none take.
Dylan:
[32:12] I do believe that the so-called impure, those not of the Covenant, who are fighting against them, are creating their own sort of network as well. Well, all of the fighting has been underground lately, and there's these vast tunnels. I believe that this is part of the secret war that's going on.
Cap:
[32:35] We need allies.
Dylan:
[32:37] Perhaps. She goes on to explain that, because when she said that they're sacrificing Dragonborn, it seemed to pique your interest, Thea. she goes on to explain that they do it at midnight the week of the crescent moon you know she explains as much as she knows is that they bring them from from the prisons through uh you know the main temple and they have the uh high priests and what they call givers there which are the the guardians of the inner sanctum and the givers bring the sacrifice into the inner sanctum and close the door behind them never to well the givers come back out and not the sacrifices.
Crit:
[33:29] That's unsettling and dire.
Dylan:
[33:31] We can.
Cap:
[33:33] Stop it before the next sacrifice yeah.
Crit:
[33:35] Is that that's this week.
Cap:
[33:37] What day is it? I have no idea what day it is.
Dylan:
[33:41] Loon Day. It's the first of the sacrifices start tonight in a couple hours.
Crit:
[33:50] Okay, that can't happen. We can't let that happen.
Dylan:
[33:54] And it's been going on, you know, since...
Cap:
[33:58] Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's not like we're saving everyone.
Dylan:
[34:01] Yeah, it's not the first time. And, you know, like, if we just stop them now, yeah.
Cap:
[34:05] Yeah, if we can't pull it, we can stop it now. Everyone will be safe. Yeah.
Crit:
[34:10] But if we can stop some of it now, then more people will be safe than we're not. How?
Cap:
[34:18] How would we even stop it?
Dylan:
[34:21] I wouldn't recommend, unless you have abilities that I can't account for, I wouldn't recommend going in and trying to overpower the givers and the other guards directly.
Cap:
[34:38] We don't have the numbers, Asteris. We can't do it.
Dylan:
[34:41] She goes on and she says, I do think that there is a way into the inner sanctum through the catacombs. And that, she pulls her key ring out. I have keys for.
Cap:
[34:55] Well, aren't you just a useful tall glass of water?
Dylan:
[34:59] She doesn't look too thrilled being complimented like that. But she takes it anyway. way smoothly puts the cues back into her robes she didn't look offended but she's you know it's a lot of slight eyebrow arcing type responses that you get and you're starting to get the idea that she hasn't really had a normal conversation in over 10 years oh.
Cap:
[35:24] That that made me sad the.
Dylan:
[35:27] Room you're in now now that you've stopped being so engrossed in conversation you realize is like a little library, everything packed with scrolls and books. And you see the locks on the doors and how the circuitous route it took for you to get there. It seems like this is her private little study and the books are probably all illegal. But Thea, you know, when you're a suspicion, because you're a high suspicion person, seeing this and hearing what she's saying, It kind of backs up that she doesn't want much to do with the covenant. She might just be trapped here doing what she can.
Cap:
[36:10] All right. All right. Some hot girl shit. All right. All right.
Dylan:
[36:14] And it seems to you that she might've just been waiting for the right opportunity. Yeah.
Cap:
[36:21] Be rescued or.
Dylan:
[36:23] To make a difference do anything um earlier she had mentioned that she was willing to you know burn the entire city she um looks between the both of you each and uh there's.
Crit:
[36:41] A lot going on between our eyes like yeah.
Cap:
[36:44] We're we're just we're making just aggressive eyes at one another just Just fucking what? What the hell? Just my god.
Dylan:
[36:51] She says to both of you, I could house you for the night, but the Inquisitors will be here in the morning to question you. I think that...
Cap:
[36:59] That won't end well.
Dylan:
[37:00] Whatever plans you have here should be set in motion immediately. And she rises from her chair, and she steps up from behind her desk, and she removes the keys again. And she says to you, gather what you need, I'll just be a moment. and she starts gathering things from around the room into a bag uh king floof is uh following he's like right behind her at her ankles as she's walking around and he's smelling everything and looking at things intently and then looking back at both of you with like big wide eyes yeah like buddy what.
Cap:
[37:37] Is she grabbing.
Dylan:
[37:38] It's it seems like scrolls and stuff um okay.
Crit:
[37:42] Awesome okay so i I think we have everything we need to make our way to the catacombs whenever you're ready, Eska.
Dylan:
[37:53] She finishes pretty quickly grabbing what she needs. And she says, follow me. Unlocks the door, opens it, and briskly walks out through the door down the hallways. You follow her back out, winding your way through these little switchback hallways. and then down another direction that leads to some stairs that go down, down, down. You make your way across what seems to be a basement that leads to another set of stairs that are spiral stairs that seem to be older. It's tight, and it's not a great feeling going down here, especially with so little light. But you both have darkvision, so, Light doesn't matter in 5th edition D&D. No, it doesn't matter at all.
Cap:
[38:44] I can see all the things.
Dylan:
[38:46] You can see everything. Everything's fine.
Crit:
[38:48] Don't be human.
Dylan:
[38:49] Darkness doesn't matter.
Cap:
[38:50] Just don't play a human or a dragonborn. They also cannot see in the dark.
Crit:
[38:54] Oh, funny.
Dylan:
[38:55] Eska knows this place well. You can tell she can't see very well, but she's walking and then putting her hand out right before she reaches a door frame. And she does it very smoothly with practice. as she just, you know, one, two, three, four, five, hand up, can just get through this place very quickly and quietly in the dark.
Cap:
[39:17] Francesca has a terrifying memory. Theo's kind of like noting how good she is at this, and it's just like, oh, all right.
Dylan:
[39:25] Asteris, you're remembering, yeah, Asteris, you're remembering, this is spot on, just like you remember she used to be able to sneak out and she'd always be like, meet me here at this time, taking this path, and you'd be like, okay, but there's going to be people out just like just trust me and do it right then, and it would always work.
Crit:
[39:44] Fucking hot girl shit fucking.
Cap:
[39:46] Hot girl shit.
Dylan:
[39:47] And you make your way down the spiral staircase wrought iron and wood creaking uh some of them are a little broken you have to skip a few steps and then it leads into uh stone spiral steps cut right into the walls. It leads further down into blackness and poor Eska could probably not see anything at all. Not her hand in front of her face if she or if she could. And yet she's leading the way down. You make your way to what seems like the bottom when a torch lights up and Eska's standing there holding it.
Dylan:
[40:26] You look around and you can see barren walls here. It's all just what seems like there was a shelving almost like carved into the walls where maybe there is like you know pottery or something like that. There's rows and rows completely empty all around you. Many paths branch out from this one corridor you can see seven in front of you and they snake and turn immediately she takes you down one of the paths third to the left uh eska speaks softly and she says just enough for you two to hear that she's gonna take you as far as she knows um but much Much of this place is uncharted, and you'll know when we get there, like to the uncharted regions. Cool. So you keep walking, you keep taking different paths, some that seem to go back, and seem the opposite direction that you should be going, but eventually switches back.
Dylan:
[41:33] And it narrows in some places and then gets much larger. And eventually you go through a super narrow section and you have to slide sideways through it. And it opens up to a very large room where you see where all of those cubbies and shelves and everything built straight into the stone aren't empty here. But they're lined with skulls. And they're lined with skulls of dozens. You can't count different types and sizes of skulls.
Dylan:
[42:07] You see human skulls, you see tiefling skulls, dragonborn skulls that you can identify at least, and others, others you've never seen before. Some you think may be fae, some may be demonic, all placed together and fit like puzzle pieces in this, like the way corn is arranged on the cob in these little hollows. You all stop and take a moment to take this in. Aska speaks up, and she says, with the torch out in front of her, giving light to the different skulls along the walls, she says, the Covenant has been destroying all of these catacombs. This is what most of it looks like, and she sounds sad. She says, the Covenant thinks this must have been some hellish place where people were thrown to die. But I don't think so. I think this is a burial ground for a people of all kinds living together here. And this is where they remembered them.
Cap:
[43:11] And all they can come up with is that this must have been a place for dead people. Because why else would these bodies have been together?
Dylan:
[43:18] Well, it was proof to them that this is where the impure should go. You know, all the others, the weird ones, together. You throw them in a pit.
Cap:
[43:27] Theo drops her illusion at this point, and she just wants to look like her. Nice.
Dylan:
[43:31] King Floof is, like, sitting there licking his leg and looks over and stops for a second and, like, looks, like, fully betrayed to Theo.
Crit:
[43:42] Does he look like himself now?
Dylan:
[43:44] No, he just, like, paws, like, what the? And then you see kind of, like, he just sighs, and then you just see him turn black and keeps licking himself.
Cap:
[43:55] It didn't feel right, King Floof.
Dylan:
[43:57] Just kind of shakes his head yeah francesca is just kind of like looking at him a little closer now and then looking around some more kind.
Cap:
[44:06] Of peaceful in here i feel more comfortable here than i did in the city it's quiet i don't feel like anything's looking at me.
Dylan:
[44:14] Yeah which is interesting because it's thousands of skulls all staring back at you right now yeah.
Cap:
[44:21] But it's almost Almost like a hug. It's like they're saying, hey, we're watching out for you, buddy, and we got you.
Dylan:
[44:29] She says, I find it peaceful too. I explored these places as much as I could when I got here a few years ago. Further down, I saw something. I saw a hole, a crack in the wall, and I peered into it because there was movement. and there was dragonborn now now that i know speaking their language and one of them they spoke our common tongue and they were speaking with somebody else human i think he was from the city i don't know who he was but i i fled i ran when i saw it i didn't know but it gave me the idea that there was planning going on and access here and just how close they are and have been and she starts walking again forward. The wall's now filled with skulls. And you're starting to see the deeper you go into these arched hallways, very tall and arched hallways that kind of give you a sense of reverence as you walk through. You know, looking like, who are the ones at the very top?
Cap:
[45:39] Mm-hmm.
Dylan:
[45:40] Who are those? Are they most honored or what? And as you look at the ones at the top and as you go deeper, where you start to notice there's little knickknacks or things that have, you know, expired with time and age, but these parts haven't been fully cleared. And, you know, whether bits of fabric or keepsakes, you're starting to get the same ideas, Francesca, that this is a place of honor. But the scale, it blows you away. Thousands and thousands and thousands of people, uncountable, must have lived here for how long to fill these catacombs?
Cap:
[46:16] Makes you wonder what it was like before everything collapsed.
Dylan:
[46:20] Indeed. You continue on. Francesca stops and she points to a crack in the wall. She says, this is where I saw it. And you don't see anything down there right now, but you do know that there is a deeper cavern just adjacent to you. Seems all quiet. Do you want to try to do anything with that crack Or do you want to keep moving on and exploring?
Crit:
[46:50] I got to peek my head in and listen.
Cap:
[46:52] Yeah. Investigate it a little bit.
Crit:
[46:55] You got to stick your head in a crack.
Dylan:
[46:56] It's not big enough for you to squeeze through. You can stick your head in and that's about it. It would not be safe going in as it is now. But yeah, you stick your head down and listen and stillness and silence. And the kind of stillness and silence that you know, if even a bug ran across the floor 100 meters down, you'd probably catch some sort of wind of it.
Cap:
[47:26] Nothing.
Crit:
[47:27] Real spooky.
Cap:
[47:28] All right. I suppose we should press on.
Dylan:
[47:32] You don't want to, like, break through or anything?
Cap:
[47:35] I mean, weren't we just saying that, like, it's bad to destroy the things? Wouldn't we be destroying more skulls and stuff? Or is this a hallway with no skulls?
Dylan:
[47:45] This part's already half destroyed. It's where there's a big crack in the wall. Leads.
Cap:
[47:50] Do I... I mean, like, oh, oh, I... Um... she uh i'm hesitant to make a really loud noise is the thing totally.
Dylan:
[48:02] Um francesca says that she doesn't know much further beyond this so we would be exploring and wandering she thinks that she might be able to find a way down into there um but you know not for sure.
Cap:
[48:18] So like i can technically get us through this hole right it will be loud um and it will mean that anyone else who comes looking around here will also be able to get through that hole unless i maybe cause a cave-in but another one um uh francesca how likely do you think it would be for someone to hear me make a very um loud sound to get us through that hole do you know any things oh well fantastic do you know any spells that make uh loud things quiet yes.
Dylan:
[48:58] And she pulls a scroll out of her bag and she says you want to open this here and go down through here.
Cap:
[49:08] Yeah.
Dylan:
[49:09] She nods and opens the scroll, breaking the seal. And as she's doing it, she gives you both looks like stand back, like just a little bit. And she opens the scroll and starts speaking in a language that sounds like something along the frequency of your psyche. Like maybe the back of your mind talking, but it's in this arcane language. you can roll an arcana if you want to try to identify what she's casting right now curious.
Cap:
[49:41] Yeah hell no jesus christ is franny a fucking wizard fucking my dice are dicks today i'll do it i rolled a four.
Dylan:
[49:52] God damn i.
Cap:
[49:54] The opposite of no i unknew something i already knew i rolled a fucking six.
Dylan:
[50:00] That's all right you'll find out soon enough uh her voice stern but not like cold like you originally thought but firm, speaks and envelops uh your consciousness a bit before uh she suddenly stops speaking and you realize that the silence that you were hearing before was not real silence This is real silence. And she steps very meaningfully from one place to another, taking counting steps and snapping. And she points to how far it goes to. And it seems like it's this zone that is completely silent.
Cap:
[50:45] Hot girl shit.
Crit:
[50:46] Hot girl shit.
Cap:
[50:47] It we're in the thing so she can't hear but the is just like oh my god how are you the most fucking useful person i have found yet how the fuck do you have everything i need in your ass like what the fuck bitch but she can't hear any of it she just hears she just sees the his mouth going i know.
Dylan:
[51:06] She might be able to lip read yeah i'm like.
Cap:
[51:08] You know what at this point i would not put it past her she could speak pig latin Oh.
Crit:
[51:16] I love her.
Dylan:
[51:18] She nods at you once you're done saying what you're saying and gives you the go ahead to cast whatever spell you need to.
Cap:
[51:29] Think what will work is i would like to if i'm if i'm still um, if if i'm still packing uh some some of that that special special magic magic sauce from earlier did you could i use yeah am i do i still have a uh yes you.
Dylan:
[51:52] Do you have that vial of goo that you can take a shot of.
Cap:
[51:56] Or i have the vial but do i still do oh.
Dylan:
[52:00] Do you still have the empowerment.
Cap:
[52:01] Am i still carrying from.
Crit:
[52:03] Jacks oh you never.
Cap:
[52:04] Used it do i have jacks's gift yeah.
Dylan:
[52:06] Yeah you do.
Cap:
[52:07] Okay jackson i would like to use i would like to use jacks's gift um while you know i still have it up there i've been working what color is the not need the whole time well we'll go.
Dylan:
[52:18] With how how How long you can possibly get, like, how long it lasts in the human body already. I think it's, like, three days or seven days. I don't know. We'll go with three days or something like that.
Crit:
[52:30] Like a creepy long amount of time.
Cap:
[52:31] So, yeah. So I would like to use Jax's little power-up, his buff, if you will, and sort of, I don't know, just sort of help it, like, really concentrate to, like, make the Eldritch Blast, like, structured and, like, straight on. Less catastrophic and crumbly and more, like, focused. Like a ray, like a beam.
Crit:
[52:51] Or something.
Cap:
[52:53] Sort of just make it a less chaotic hole with nothing that will tumble down and collapse.
Dylan:
[53:01] Okay. It would either be a careful spell. Or a conceal type spell. There's 3.5.
Cap:
[53:12] Things, Grandpa?
Dylan:
[53:13] No. These are 5e metamagic abilities. A sorcerer? Sorcery points.
Cap:
[53:21] Oh, fucking sorc shit.
Dylan:
[53:22] Yeah.
Cap:
[53:23] Sorcs are fucky.
Dylan:
[53:25] Yeah. I'm going to say you can do it. You're just being laser focused with your power. Okay. Instead of, say, maximizing or twin powering or empowering and that kind of thing, which you know you can, you're going to focus that power into one little plasma blast and try to do as little, what's that other?
Cap:
[53:47] Like collateral damage.
Dylan:
[53:48] Collateral damage.
Crit:
[53:50] Collateral. Yeah.
Cap:
[53:51] Collateral damage.
Crit:
[53:53] Collateral damage. Damage.
Dylan:
[53:55] So as you walk to your spot, you find your target and you start to cast your spell. Your eyes alight white and then start to glow green and they throb green and white and green and white. And you feel almost kind of like ticklish in this giddy way. And you hear laughing and it's your attendants laughing in the background. And you can feel Oberon's breath on the back of your neck and you feel his hands pulling your dress up and undoing everything and then putting something else onto you. And then there's squeals and laughter as, you know, little bits of you get shown and covered again. And the light that's throbbing green and white goes faster and faster and turns into this solid beam that shoots out of your hands. In just a fraction of a second, the cavern is lit and like the sun had just risen in there. and it's dark again but now there's this perfectly spherical hole where that crevice was, Also, there's what seems to be a hole further down on the other side.
Cap:
[55:24] Whoops! Jax was too strong, guys.
Dylan:
[55:29] You now realize that, so it's dark again and silent again, and all that laughing's gone. Like, just cut off the second that laser went.
Cap:
[55:38] Oh, it's so cold after it's gone.
Dylan:
[55:40] You're like, oh, ha ha ha ha, and you're in your, like, magic girl dress in a cave. You're like, all right. I'm overdressed. all right but yeah you got the full cut scene um using your metamagic ability uh with cum so yes yeah and oberon is pleased so pleased it's really like he just got done going down on him that's how like he's like oh yeah thank you at.
Crit:
[56:06] A girl fuck yeah yeah.
Dylan:
[56:08] So you didn't you did it good francesca uh walks up and looks uh impressed both of her eyebrows are raised.
Crit:
[56:19] Both you got both.
Dylan:
[56:21] Yeah oh.
Cap:
[56:22] What does that mean do i win a prize well.
Dylan:
[56:26] They lower you know pretty quickly after that but you did get a brief moment of surprise there and a nod of approval and uh it seems like she says shall we and then she jumps down, and uh you don't hear her land because you're still in a zone of silence but she lands and it seems like she's beckoning you down give.
Crit:
[56:51] A jump all.
Dylan:
[56:51] Right you guys jump down yeah it's like i'm not gonna make you roll for this be stupid yeah i broke my leg oh not only are your asterisks rolls just can she can take a 10 and get this but you've got you've got tentacles they give you advantage on climbing oh that's true you can just and.
Cap:
[57:10] Astris can catch.
Dylan:
[57:11] Yeah yeah.
Crit:
[57:11] Just for flair.
Dylan:
[57:12] Yeah thea you just swing down sexily on your vine and then she catches you.
Cap:
[57:20] Oh thank you astris for the dismount 10 points.
Crit:
[57:27] See what do you have to be jealous of.
Cap:
[57:30] Nothing i think we can make this a three-way.
Dylan:
[57:38] Uh francesca relights the torch and continues walking down what she thinks is the right direction down here uh much older and seems to be completely untouched um all of the keepsakes and things that you see are still very old um but not scattered at all you don't want to touch Any of it would just turn to dust or something, But you're seeing the shapes of things Of you know Things left behind for people that were loved, It's Hotter down here, You jump down and up above it was still and kind of an okay temperature. Something so mild that you didn't notice. Down here it gets considerably warmer. And you're walking sort of at weird angles where it dips down deeper and then comes back up in some places. And you notice the deeper you go, the hotter it gets.
Cap:
[58:41] Thea likes the heat.
Dylan:
[58:43] Yeah.
Cap:
[58:43] I always consider tieflings to have very, very high heat tolerances, so I feel like they get cold really easy.
Dylan:
[58:50] Yeah.
Cap:
[58:51] Should not like being north. This feels good. It's starting to feel comfortable down here.
Crit:
[58:55] Oh, I love her in chunky sweaters. Yeah.
Cap:
[59:01] Sweater weather.
Crit:
[59:02] Sweater weather.
Dylan:
[59:03] As you keep going, you see Eska, what seems like she's making a prayer. she stops and she puts her finger up into the air and a light just subtly on the end of her finger ignites white and she keeps her eyes closed for a moment and it dims and goes out and she continues walking again. The only thing you can hear is the sound of yourselves walking and the environment hasn't changed in these corridors. You're making more turns and it seems like now you're converging on a very, it gets narrower and narrower where you're going. Eska slows down and starts to creep and you see King Floof creeping and he's creeping right beneath her legs, going at the same exact speed. Kinklove turns around, narrows his eyes at both of you.
Crit:
[1:00:03] Okay, so he stealths.
Dylan:
[1:00:05] And then he puts his paw up over his face.
Crit:
[1:00:08] Aw.
Dylan:
[1:00:08] And looks like he's trying to do your shushing motion.
Cap:
[1:00:12] Oh, wouldn't it look a little bean?
Crit:
[1:00:14] Aw.
Cap:
[1:00:15] Oh, one little shush bean.
Crit:
[1:00:16] One little shush bean.
Cap:
[1:00:18] One little beanie shush.
Dylan:
[1:00:20] Yeah, he's not very good at it.
Crit:
[1:00:22] Sweet boy.
Dylan:
[1:00:23] But it seems like he tried.
Crit:
[1:00:24] Okay.
Cap:
[1:00:24] We make, oh, your face is...
Dylan:
[1:00:25] It's kind of like his paw goes up and all of his claws come out and then they go back in and he...
Cap:
[1:00:31] Cute!
Crit:
[1:00:32] Aw. Little flex.
Dylan:
[1:00:34] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:00:34] Okay, I crouch.
Dylan:
[1:00:36] All right, roll some stealth checks.
Cap:
[1:00:39] All right. Shit, do I use my last bardic inspiration of the day on this for you, Astris?
Crit:
[1:00:45] Well, I already rolled and it's okay. It's okay.
Cap:
[1:00:47] That's okay. All right, this dice has not fucked me yet today. Please, please don't... Be above a 10. I haven't rolled above a 10 all night. hey hey we like that 17 plus stealth uh that's like a plus plus five uh 17 plus five damn a lot um.
Crit:
[1:01:12] A two it ends in two.
Cap:
[1:01:14] 20 yeah what could it possibly be i got.
Crit:
[1:01:20] 17 total okay fuck yeah we practiced stealthing last night today.
Cap:
[1:01:27] I guess or today this night yeah we got really good at it we.
Crit:
[1:01:31] Got really good at it we're making that we're making the shishing side and each.
Cap:
[1:01:37] Other we look like fucking idiots yeah cheska's gonna be like so this so this fucking idiot is what you're running around with now this This is what you turned into.
Crit:
[1:01:48] A fucking idiot. Yeah, we desperately need to party up. See?
Dylan:
[1:01:58] So, you guys are creeping in single file, being very quiet. And you enter a circular room with what seems to be seven exits along the wall where you just came from. You're out of one of them. similar to the entrance to the catacombs you just came out another and there is a stone staircase that looks like it leads up make a perception check okay.
Cap:
[1:02:30] Good dice be good again good dice be good again i forgot to dnd in my home, okay oh.
Crit:
[1:02:41] Net 20 baby oh.
Cap:
[1:02:44] Nice 12.
Dylan:
[1:02:45] All right i.
Cap:
[1:02:47] Rolled a 10 we take that oh.
Crit:
[1:02:49] I see it all.
Dylan:
[1:02:50] You're looking around this room and there are statues and artwork and above uh each of the hallways that you just came out of uh there seems to be markings of you know in some language you don't know, some magical language or dead language. Different statues are placed in different parts above this ring. And Asterisk, you notice above the stairway, is a very large statue that looks like it's made of marble. It's like this super realistic, monstrous, grotesque creature. It has bat-like wings. It has claws on its hands and its feet, and its face is bald with pointed ears, and it has a large, wide mouth with razor-sharp teeth. And you look up into its eyes, and its eyes, they seem bloodshot, and it starts to move.
Dylan:
[1:04:02] And its jaws open and distend a bit into this grotesque-looking smile, and its wings spread wide, and it roars this deep, guttural roar that vibrates your chest and through your feet, but also this high-pitched scream at the same time that hurts your ears and your eyes water at the sound of it. Roll initiative.
Cap:
[1:04:30] Oh, fuck. It's like the fucking skeleton on the clock in The Last Unicorn. Unicorn! It can sing.
Crit:
[1:04:41] Oh, my God, yes.
Dylan:
[1:04:44] Unicorn!
Cap:
[1:04:45] I love that movie so much.
Crit:
[1:04:49] 18 total but i saw it real good i saw it so good.
Dylan:
[1:04:52] Yeah i got 12 you didn't get uh surprised by it jesus and you because you were looking at it you're like hey or something and pointed at it and everybody looked up at it before it could swoop down and take your heads off before you even saw it yeah.
Crit:
[1:05:10] Surprise rounds are fucking the worst like, It just eats you before you can do anything.
Dylan:
[1:05:16] So, yeah, as this thing comes to life, this gargoyle screeches, spreads its wings, and you see its crazy yellow and red eyes and gaping maw as it looks down to you. You got, what's your total?
Crit:
[1:05:31] 18.
Dylan:
[1:05:32] 18, and you got, sorry.
Cap:
[1:05:34] 12.
Dylan:
[1:05:35] 12. All right. It's going to be Asterisk who goes first. first um this thing is coming down to meet you so it's um it's not like mid-charge but it's moving towards you basically.
Crit:
[1:05:54] Okay so you can myself you can you.
Dylan:
[1:05:56] Can meet it and hit it if you want to that kind of thing.
Crit:
[1:05:59] Cool i'm kicking myself for not being ready and having my armor on and shit like that um it's like fuck so i gotta put my armor on do the abbreviated magical roll sequence quince like make a weird face at eska like this is it um chains and all yeah, i kind of.
Dylan:
[1:06:22] I kind of like that though it's like what happens when the magic girls get caught with their pants.
Crit:
[1:06:26] Down guys like oh shit i mean just have to suddenly wear their outfits yeah um yeah when they have to go find a spot to change it's so awkward um yeah so i want to have my shield out and i will rush forward to meet the gargoyle where it's at that way i can have as much distance between myself and my ranged comrades um and then yeah i can take the front and i'll hit it with my smooching mace save.
Cap:
[1:06:58] Your squishy magical girlfriends.
Crit:
[1:07:00] Yeah oh my god i love my magical girlfriends, does an eight hit right now oh yeah that's okay you're.
Cap:
[1:07:11] So eager and the pressure of being cool in front of your two magical girlfriends got to you.
Crit:
[1:07:16] I'm all positioning i just need to be here in the way take the hits yeah.
Dylan:
[1:07:22] Uh yeah i mean you made quite a show advancing on it with your armor growing around you pulling a shield and your mace out and uh being at the center of the room.
Crit:
[1:07:34] Oh, I love the idea of the chains kind of putting the mace and the shield in my hands and like equipping them for me.
Dylan:
[1:07:42] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:07:43] I love that. Hot girl shit.
Crit:
[1:07:45] Hot girl shit. Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:07:47] It's like a chain surrounding the handle of the mace kind of rotate over your shoulders and do this like machine like thing where it just comes over and lands in your hand.
Crit:
[1:07:57] Oh, sick.
Dylan:
[1:07:57] All right. Well, it is the gargoyle's turn. Okay. He's going to do some attacking.
Crit:
[1:08:06] Is he?
Cap:
[1:08:07] Going to do some attacking.
Crit:
[1:08:09] Going to do some attacking. My AC is 21.
Dylan:
[1:08:14] It's not one?
Crit:
[1:08:15] No, it's not one. It's more than one.
Dylan:
[1:08:19] Let me try again.
Crit:
[1:08:20] If you meet it, you beat it.
Dylan:
[1:08:24] I was just off by 20. Dang. Okay. He swoops down at you and uh attacks you twice once with his claws and your you lift your shield up and um bat it away easily uh this thing when it first swooped down it wasn't expecting an armored knight at first you know it's like oh like and you completely armored up into full plate with a shield and a mace while it was coming at you and oh no yeah threw it off a little bit you know it's like when a bird like decides to fly in a different direction all of a sudden um and the the claws cling off of your shield and it uh in a half-hearted attempt tries to bite your shield and uh doesn't get much purchase it's uh screeching and now fluttering before you all right that's.
Cap:
[1:09:20] Right thea excellent i'm going to take a few steps back or like where is where is francesca is she in front of me or she behind me.
Dylan:
[1:09:30] Francesca is in front of you all right you're all in the room um okay cool i would say uh if you're positioning yourselves king floof is nowhere to be seen good way that's per usual yeah he slipped into that room and nobody saw him ever again um so many little places he could hide too who knows little fucker asterisk is right dead center of the room and um Um, Eska is halfway towards center to the left of Asterisk flanking her. So you can be wherever you want.
Cap:
[1:10:09] Okay, cool. Um, I'm going to be towards the back and just so that I can have a, a, a line for Eldritch blast that doesn't hit anyone in the head. And so then I'm, I'm going to do that. So I'm going to roll to, to fuck that up.
Crit:
[1:10:26] Bop him.
Cap:
[1:10:29] Okay, okay, okay, that's good, that's good. Okay, so 18 to hit.
Dylan:
[1:10:35] I think that hits. And since I said it out loud, I can't take it back.
Cap:
[1:10:39] No take backs.
Dylan:
[1:10:41] It hits.
Cap:
[1:10:42] Cool, cool, cool. All right, and so that's a d10 force damage plus my charisma modifier now because of Agonizing Blast.
Crit:
[1:10:50] Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Cap:
[1:10:53] Ooh, nice. Okay, so that's a 7 plus 4.
Dylan:
[1:10:59] Sweet. 11.
Cap:
[1:11:01] Oh, I was going to say 9.
Crit:
[1:11:03] 11 points of force damage.
Cap:
[1:11:06] It's all green and leafy and fuck you.
Dylan:
[1:11:09] Fuck you.
Crit:
[1:11:10] Fuck you. I'm such a fan of Thea.
Dylan:
[1:11:14] Yeah, so you hit it square on one of its shoulders, is chipping off its shoulder completely in the blast knocking it a little around in a circle and it's and it looks uh confused and horrified for a second and stares directly at you um was it a game all right now it is francesca's turn she seems to be making that similar closed-eyed prayer and she raises her hand up and what looks like a shield forms made of light at the palm of her hand in the air and then she points at Thea and the shield rushes over and embraces Thea in a warm light, and you have a plus two AC.
Cap:
[1:12:12] Oh my god, I feel so strong. Can I use my reaction to wink at her?
Dylan:
[1:12:19] Yeah. Excellent.
Crit:
[1:12:21] Yeah, but you can't do that again this turn.
Cap:
[1:12:24] I'll wink next turn too.
Dylan:
[1:12:26] After pointing at Thea, she raises her hand again, and her hand starts to glow in a radiant flame. She then points at the gargoyle flying in front of Astris and a column of white fire descends upon the creature from the heavens, lighting the room for just a moment and causing the gargoyle to scream in pain.
Crit:
[1:12:54] Nice.
Dylan:
[1:12:55] It seems like it hurt it pretty well, just as much as Thea hurt it. Nice. And it seems just as incensed. Now it's Astris' turn.
Crit:
[1:13:12] 19.
Dylan:
[1:13:14] That hits.
Crit:
[1:13:15] Excellent.
Cap:
[1:13:16] Fuck yeah!
Crit:
[1:13:20] Six bludgeoning damage. Nice.
Dylan:
[1:13:23] All right. you chip away at it it looks um pretty beat up but angry more than weakened at this point uh it screeches after being hit with the divine fire but it still seems much more put out with you thea um it swoops down to attack you.
Crit:
[1:13:49] I have the protection fighting style and so i can impose disadvantage on the attack.
Dylan:
[1:13:56] Oh okay okay getting.
Cap:
[1:14:00] Help from both of my girlfriends um.
Dylan:
[1:14:03] Yeah it claws and uh slashes and tries to bite you but the divine forces protecting you seem to keep you just out of harm's way it's.
Cap:
[1:14:14] Because i'm I'm a princess.
Dylan:
[1:14:15] That's right. It is now Thea's turn.
Cap:
[1:14:20] Okay. I'm gonna Eldritch Blast it again.
Dylan:
[1:14:25] Sweet.
Cap:
[1:14:28] That's 17 to hit?
Dylan:
[1:14:30] Mm-hmm.
Cap:
[1:14:31] Okay. I finger gun and wink at it, and I do eight damage.
Dylan:
[1:14:36] Nice.
Crit:
[1:14:37] Hell yeah.
Dylan:
[1:14:37] Sweet. Now it's starting to look a little weakened. It's not flying as easily and as dexterously, I suppose. Eska, it's her turn now. She moves to behind you, Asterisk. and you feel her hand against your hand that's holding your sword and you look over and it's eska behind you and she slides her hand up and around the handle of your your mace are.
Crit:
[1:15:13] We doing a ghost.
Dylan:
[1:15:13] And she is pressed up against you and you hear her say some really nice words that you don't understand but it's like a chorus in your ears and you feel warmth from her and from her hand over yours and it wraps through and you see it go up and into your mace as it glows white and it seems like it will be doing a lot more damage now and she steps away to a safe distance oh.
Crit:
[1:15:45] Shit that's So sexy. Okay.
Cap:
[1:15:51] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:15:54] And now it's Asterisk's turn.
Crit:
[1:15:57] Okay.
Cap:
[1:15:58] Be cool, bitch!
Crit:
[1:15:59] I hit it. That's a nat 20.
Cap:
[1:16:07] Bitch, you were so cool!
Dylan:
[1:16:10] So, she gave you Holy Weapon.
Cap:
[1:16:13] The look you just gave.
Dylan:
[1:16:14] Holy Weapon gives you an additional 2d8 damage. I don't know if it can crit, but where I come from, it usually do. nine plus eight is seventeen seventeen plus seven.
Cap:
[1:16:34] Is twenty-four holy shit plus.
Crit:
[1:16:37] Four is twenty-eight.
Dylan:
[1:16:39] Twenty-eight damage alright that's twenty-eight bludgeoning damage as you raise your mace um to strike this gargoyle, the light radiating from it lights the room and you swing back noticing that your mace just feels lighter than it ever has and that when you swing down you're going to hit it right where you mean to and like as if guided by the hand of a god you hit square right in between the gargoyle's eyes and split it straight through his skull down what would be his neck and into his chest and the gargoyle no longer making sounds starts breaking apart and falling to the ground with your swing shattering into pieces.
Cap:
[1:17:37] So fucking cool.
Crit:
[1:17:43] I like Like, I just stay there for a moment, like, with the mace down, and then I pick it up like it's hot, right?
Cap:
[1:18:00] Holy shit.
Crit:
[1:18:05] I'm a little blown away by that asterisk.
Cap:
[1:18:09] That's the fucking hottest you've ever been.
Crit:
[1:18:13] Yeah it's pretty warm down here.
Dylan:
[1:18:15] I um.
Crit:
[1:18:16] What was that you.
Dylan:
[1:18:19] Guys are getting your bearings you said what was that and eska still somewhat behind you she glides up again and says a gift from the old gods oh.
Crit:
[1:18:31] My god she's so fucking hot.
Dylan:
[1:18:32] And you hear from up the staircase, screaming, screams of rage and screams of protest. And then you hear something otherworldly screaming back. And the sound of the returning scream reminded you of the laughing man. and you know the inner sanctum is above oh we'll end it right there, so
ReCap:
[1:19:10] I don't love those noises i don't love those noises at all horrified of what they're doing up in the Sanctum. But at least Francesca is awesome. Tune in next week to see what new hot girl shit our magical girls get up to. Subscribe to the podcast and follow our Instagram account, Stupid Sexy D&D Podcast. Thank you for making it to the end of another episode with us. And a special shout out to our European listeners. We see you and we appreciate you. And with that, we'll meet y'all again in the next episode. Tschüss!