Thea and Astris receive shocking news from an old friend, and discover a whole world underground.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. Since you're here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable hello.
Dylan:
[0:33] And welcome back to slash and fuck i'm your host dylan and these are my wonderful and lovely players, Thea and Asteris.
Cap:
[0:48] Hello. Hi.
Dylan:
[0:51] Just as a quick reminder, when we last left off, you guys were escaping the Fey North.
Crit:
[1:03] Sexy Fey North.
Cap:
[1:05] Very sexy North.
Crit:
[1:06] Yeah, we were making a sexy escape from the sexy Fey.
Dylan:
[1:09] That's right. And you guys were walking through the back alleys of the sexy Fae North, so you didn't really see too much. It wasn't all full frontal.
Dylan:
[1:20] Um, but yeah, you escaped, um, down a terrifying storm and down the Aurora river and you were almost immediately stopped by a blockade. Um, and I want to apologize for last week. The river is not nearly as wide as I described it. You guys would have stomped them either way, but, um, yeah, it just makes that, um, boom that I had crossing the river a little bit ridiculous in size. Those guards were so strong. You get the idea. You were stopped. You killed all the guards, or most of the guards, in very quick and brutal fashion. One of them got away riding to Haven, you assume, to go alert the town that the boogeyman is here.
Dylan:
[2:12] You took a couple of hostages or prisoners with you onto the boat. smashed that blockade boom thing and started floating down the river when you interrogated one of the guards and he informed you that uh it's been about 10 years uh tomorrow that um the day of deceit happened uh the lady cacophony and her pale knight the ash wind, And went on their rampage across the country and escaped. And they've been at large. And the Covenant of Purity has been after them ever since. And so he blew his head off.
Cap:
[3:00] And so I blew his fucking head off. He spit on me.
Dylan:
[3:03] Yeah, he did.
Cap:
[3:06] Like a bastard.
Crit:
[3:08] Like a bitch.
Dylan:
[3:09] Like a bastard. So, you guys are kind of in a weird situation. You've got yourselves a prisoner here. You've got a horse and a cart and a raft, essentially. You're going down a river that is heading towards hostile territory, Haven. You know that soldiers are going to be meeting you on one side of the river or the other, maybe both at some point, maybe within the next hour or two, you'd reckon, asterisk.
Crit:
[3:46] That would put us pretty close to Haven then.
Dylan:
[3:49] Well, if they're all riding hard on horseback, on alert, they can get out here pretty quick.
Crit:
[3:54] But both ways. right.
Dylan:
[3:57] And the the soldiers.
Crit:
[3:58] That you.
Dylan:
[3:59] Fought this time were much more highly trained and armed than when you left.
Crit:
[4:04] Yeah and like there was not an outpost there that definitely yeah definitely not that's weird hate it not okay checkpoint should have burned it down.
Cap:
[4:17] We did burned it down.
Crit:
[4:18] Oh yeah Yeah. Good check.
Dylan:
[4:20] That's right. You burned down a mess hall and the...
Crit:
[4:27] Now it's a mess hall.
Dylan:
[4:28] Yeah, definitely.
Cap:
[4:30] Felt good.
Dylan:
[4:31] And the guard tower, mostly made of stone. You know, most of it will crumble. It's unusable. They'll have to demo the whole thing.
Cap:
[4:40] Nice. Suck it, the man.
Crit:
[4:42] Yeah, take that.
Dylan:
[4:44] Yeah, they'll just have to whip those tax dollars out of the peasants even harder now.
Cap:
[4:51] We about to Robin Hood this bitch.
Crit:
[4:53] Blame the farmers.
Cap:
[4:55] Blame the farmers. Right.
Dylan:
[4:56] Well, I think you're being blamed for everything. Pretty much. I didn't do nothing. Whenever the taxman comes knocking, well, they're blaming you.
Cap:
[5:08] Fun. That's going to win us hearts and minds.
Dylan:
[5:11] Yeah. Well, you don't know that for sure. Someone's taking my money on behalf of my ass.
Cap:
[5:20] I'd hate me too.
Dylan:
[5:21] Seems like something they're doing. Blaming you for all the problems. Because they did blame you for a lot of things you didn't do.
Crit:
[5:29] Like the economy.
Cap:
[5:31] Like the economy.
Dylan:
[5:33] They definitely blame you for the economy. But yeah, burning down the Berks estate.
Cap:
[5:39] Bullshit. That was a man with a club.
Crit:
[5:41] Yeah. I solved that crime.
Dylan:
[5:45] Murdering a bunch of your pages and stuff. They took that one too. It didn't exist. That one. uh you know the the all the grand theft that was true but i think they tacked on.
Cap:
[5:59] A bunch of.
Dylan:
[5:59] Extra stuff um you.
Cap:
[6:02] Know this crime damages.
Dylan:
[6:03] But yeah so uh now you're on the boat and i'm curious uh what are you gonna do with this prisoner that you have before you go anywhere or do anything.
Cap:
[6:16] So how long would it take to sort of like i have a disguise kit and i could sort of like put this like like horns or something like on this guy and i want to like blindfold him so he can't see, where he's going or where we're going but i want him to try to have my vague outline so that i don't know so maybe they fucking maybe they kill him and i don't have to.
Dylan:
[6:39] Are you gonna dress him up to kind of look like you and like tie him to the mast or something.
Cap:
[6:44] Yeah kind of yeah that's the idea yeah.
Crit:
[6:47] Well if it distracts them a little bit by his.
Cap:
[6:50] Right and they already know we're there I might as well leave a really weird calling card.
Crit:
[6:53] Yeah.
Dylan:
[6:55] All right. So, and you're going to get off the boat.
Crit:
[6:58] We're going to get him off.
Dylan:
[6:59] And leave him on, push him back out.
Crit:
[7:01] Yeah, we don't get him off. He does not get off.
Cap:
[7:03] No, absolutely not.
Crit:
[7:04] He doesn't get off.
Cap:
[7:06] I'm going to blindfold his ass so that he can't see where we're going.
Dylan:
[7:10] Yeah, and put a harmonica in his mouth. So if he tries to scream, they'll think he's a monster.
Cap:
[7:14] Oh, my God.
Crit:
[7:17] Wait. Yeah, we do that.
Cap:
[7:19] I have to have a harmonica in the cart somewhere.
Crit:
[7:21] That's what we do.
Dylan:
[7:22] Like a whistle, some weird instrument or whatever. He's just blasting through the thing, like strapped to his face.
Crit:
[7:29] We need to make a whistle out of a wreath.
Cap:
[7:31] I'm going to duct tape an ocarina to this guy.
Crit:
[7:34] Oh, yes.
Dylan:
[7:37] You guys are evil What a horrible idea you came up with.
Crit:
[7:45] These evil players.
Dylan:
[7:46] Yeah, these players Alright You got some time, So you're gonna make your way to the shore Which you can do, the river's turning So you can just kind of head Shoreward The guard, I don't remember his accent He's like, what are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? we
Cap:
[8:06] Gonna make you look beautiful honey it's okay this poor guy.
Dylan:
[8:10] As as the boat hits the reeds you have a bit of coverage there um up on the side of the bank there and some shade uh he looks very confused are you gonna gag him or like anything he's just gonna keep like talking and uh asking what you're doing and why i'll.
Cap:
[8:29] Gag him until i put the um whatever whistly nonsense into his.
Dylan:
[8:34] So you put the duck, the like elk call or whatever. Oh my God. You have a pig mating call.
Crit:
[8:42] Yeah, exactly.
Cap:
[8:45] I'll try to like give him like horned things that are shaped like mine and like. Shit like that. Try to make him look vaguely like me and tie him to the mast.
Dylan:
[8:55] All right, let's see. What kind of roles do this could be? Let me see your sheet.
Cap:
[8:59] Please. What would this be?
Dylan:
[9:01] Wait, is deception covered with disguise now? How do you disguise check? Because that's what I would do. Yeah, it would be deception. Yeah, that makes sense to me.
Cap:
[9:14] All right, cool. They're the same.
Dylan:
[9:17] You might want to roll an intimidate or something for us to get him to stay still.
Cap:
[9:20] All right cool he thinks oh yeah.
Dylan:
[9:23] He thinks you're gonna kill him i'll hold him he doesn't know what's going on at all like you're gonna burn him i'm like it's.
Cap:
[9:30] Okay buddy we're just gonna let.
Crit:
[9:32] You go after we get you ready.
Cap:
[9:35] Oh so ready uh for the intimidation uh our old day dirty 20 honey just stay still we're not gonna kill you yeah.
Dylan:
[9:48] Your eyes meet his and he freezes when you say that.
Cap:
[9:51] Good god i can't get your makeup right if you keep fussing honey.
Dylan:
[9:58] Imagine like the tip your tail like a blade to his throat like shut up don't move a fucking.
Cap:
[10:05] Oh i should get part of my I should have like a piercing put on my tail that's like a blade.
Dylan:
[10:11] Like a razor. Yeah. Yeah.
Cap:
[10:14] That would be cool. All right. So then that's a... So then the deception or performance is a 18.
Dylan:
[10:23] Okay. Yeah, that's good enough. I will say you just want them to like profile like you. You're not trying to make them look like... Okay. Yeah, that's fine. It would maybe take... 30-40 minutes or something like that to make just shit that you have thrown together look like horns the right shape and Asteris helping you throw some stuff together. You're taking his armor off and putting him in a dress. Stuff like that. So, let's say like a half an hour or something. Okay, cool.
Cap:
[11:01] That's not too bad. Cool, cool. Then I'll... Once he's all ready, uh tied to the mast blindfolded i'll put a i'm sure i have some sort of weird like whistle thing in the cart um so i'll like duct tape a whistle to his face mouth whatever all.
Dylan:
[11:27] Right so you don't have duct tape.
Cap:
[11:34] What magically come on.
Dylan:
[11:35] Come on yeah what the fuck you so unreal you can like use twine though okay um and it might let's let's have a role for your rope work here because uh are you gonna help her yeah for sure all right then assist i'll give you an advantage but like this.
Crit:
[11:53] Is a lot like a horse type of bit right.
Dylan:
[11:56] Yeah and you're like no no no no you you got to get them right in there and yeah don't worry about his cheeks he can't feel yeah like you.
Crit:
[12:04] Gotta like have it chomped onto the teeth and.
Dylan:
[12:06] Yeah yeah yeah that's.
Cap:
[12:08] Hilarious would that just be a straight dex.
Dylan:
[12:12] Um yeah since they don't use rope anymore yeah yeah sure yeah sleight of hand maybe okay.
Cap:
[12:20] Excellent um do i have advantage because asteris is helping me or is it just a straight roll.
Dylan:
[12:25] Yeah you do have advantage hell yeah her knowledge is fast fast necessary um all.
Cap:
[12:34] Right that is a 19.
Dylan:
[12:35] Yeah so you hook him up to the mast he's not gonna go anywhere and then you guys spend And about five, ten minutes, like, twining this harmonica or whistle or animal call to his mouth. And he looks so confused. And now he's, like, breathing through it. And it's like, you know. And he's trying to talk.
Crit:
[13:01] And now it's a horror movie.
Dylan:
[13:03] Yeah.
Cap:
[13:03] This is really much crueler than it was in my head. And I'm like, Jesus Christ.
Dylan:
[13:07] Yeah. yeah as as the sky turns a bit oranger you know you start to you start to push him out, into the water and you see the reflection of the sky on the water is it the still part of the river and it gets pushed into the current and you just see his like worried face and you know the sounds get a little bit louder is that it rotates away from you he's off into the river there.
Crit:
[13:37] He goes Bye.
Dylan:
[13:39] Majestic But.
Cap:
[13:40] The horse is glad to get off the water.
Dylan:
[13:43] Off to his habitat Exactly You're hearing it trail off But it's way more panicked than that Way more panicked than that He's starting to understand what's going on Like a kid's accordion, Fuck, so fuck so you guys are trying not to laugh the whole time but it's pretty funny yeah.
Crit:
[14:12] It's like yes it's cruel but it's also hilarious like when you take nickels to a cat's foot like.
Dylan:
[14:18] God I.
Crit:
[14:19] Can't stop laughing to help him out in our defense he.
Cap:
[14:21] Would have killed us yeah.
Crit:
[14:24] He tried to he tried to kill us so this is.
Dylan:
[14:27] All self defense I feel.
Cap:
[14:28] Like this is fair.
Dylan:
[14:29] Fully court of law self-defense in the heat in the heat of the moment your honor, we did what any sane person would do and defend ourselves dressed him up like a girl, slap some horns on him put a flute in his mouth shit, so all right are you guys going to make west or um i assume you got off on the western shore yeah okay gilly.
Cap:
[15:06] Side i think that was west.
Dylan:
[15:08] Okay yeah to gilthaniel so you're gonna you guys are gonna head towards gilthaniel yeah.
Cap:
[15:13] We'll take like a circuitous route hopefully to like avoid being seen yeah.
Crit:
[15:19] I want to i want to uh power off my armor.
Dylan:
[15:23] Okay yeah to.
Crit:
[15:25] Be like more um.
Dylan:
[15:26] Normal armor or no armor no.
Crit:
[15:29] Armor i want to be like um what's the word uh incognito well.
Cap:
[15:35] Oh i see.
Crit:
[15:35] You know.
Dylan:
[15:36] I want to.
Crit:
[15:37] Look like a normal person.
Dylan:
[15:38] Okay so you take your armor not naked.
Crit:
[15:40] I'm not naked right Yeah, I want to put on like a shirt.
Dylan:
[15:44] Yeah, you change. You take all your armor off in a really cool like Stargate way.
Crit:
[15:52] Well, they never show the out of Magical Girl outfit. It's always just scene change.
Dylan:
[15:59] And that's what we're tackling here.
Cap:
[16:02] The real question.
Crit:
[16:04] We're changing the meta. That's right. Okay, so what's it look like?
Cap:
[16:07] Changing the name of the game.
Crit:
[16:08] What I envision a la Sailor Moon is like you know like, everything goes dark you know there's um the the red line maybe maybe there's like a red moon is like a.
Dylan:
[16:22] Drop of blood.
Crit:
[16:23] Yeah drop of blood and then and then like uh the chains like burst out of like the heart portion of my body you know and it's like you know and then i spin and then they encircle me encircle me and then it's like tight and then it like cinches everything in like in a really sexy way right and then like yeah and then.
Dylan:
[16:43] You land on the ground cracking it beneath you where.
Crit:
[16:46] She would like.
Dylan:
[16:47] Float down with like moats and stuff.
Crit:
[16:50] Yeah okay yeah so uh it's that but in reverse so i crack the ground you.
Dylan:
[16:56] Heal the ground.
Crit:
[16:57] I heal the ground yeah interesting what would it look like uh taking it off it would oh i i like the idea of it kind of being like confetti like Like it all like explodes and unravels and falls to the ground and then kind of like disintegrates.
Dylan:
[17:12] And how about you, Thea? Do you want your magical girl outfit to like slip off you like a ribbon in the wind or something like that?
Cap:
[17:22] I feel like I feel like it does like one of those like gentle fadeaways. And then like when it's about to like pop out of existence, it goes like and there's like a bunch of little sparkles.
Dylan:
[17:32] Okay, perfect.
Crit:
[17:33] I love that. And I feel like I can hear your little ladies laughing.
Dylan:
[17:37] Oh, and you always get like a graze somewhere sensitive from daddy whenever it gets done or taken off. So it's like under butt, you know, or something. Asterisks when yours pops out like confetti. How about like a whip crack?
Crit:
[17:53] Yes. I love that.
Dylan:
[17:55] Yeah. So it comes out. Yeah. So you guys are heading over the rolling hills towards Gilthaniel's place.
Cap:
[18:05] Yes yes okay.
Crit:
[18:07] And we shuffle like peasants, You know, we're like, we're not fancy people. We're not gods among men or anything. Don't worry about it.
Cap:
[18:17] Yeah, I'll put a hood on over my head so no one can see my horns.
Dylan:
[18:22] Just two pilgrims out walking the plains. All right, so you guys end up heading towards the yurt that you know of, Gilthaniel. You see Bonejaw first. first oh no oh um but you.
Cap:
[18:42] Go first okay.
Dylan:
[18:44] So like it's you're cresting a ridge and you see bone jaw and bone jaw sees you so do we have any hot dogs i don't believe you have any hot dogs oh i forgot it with the duct tape it's not on your it's not on your character sheet god damn no it's not your character sheet so just remember next time um yes sir and quantity um.
Cap:
[19:12] How how far away are we like how far is bone jaws like eyeline.
Dylan:
[19:19] You're up on a ridge uh i mean this place is pretty well positioned to see anybody approaching them they've got the tree line north of them uh a ways and they have sort of these open plane around and then the the rolling hills out further so you guys are about 200 yards away well.
Crit:
[19:42] Is bone jaw like old now.
Dylan:
[19:43] Yeah oh.
Cap:
[19:47] Old pup old man pup.
Dylan:
[19:51] Yeah um.
Cap:
[19:52] All right well i want to say hi I'm going to look at Asterix and go, oh, God, maybe you should go first because that dog hates me. And I'm afraid if he starts barking, everyone will know we're here.
Crit:
[20:08] Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.
Dylan:
[20:11] He's already barking.
Crit:
[20:12] Oh, God.
Dylan:
[20:14] He's barking, but it looks like he's just barking over at the yurt. A figure emerges from the yurt, looks to be Gilthaniel. know he you know looks looks over at bone jaw and then looks over at you guys and it looks like he motions towards bone jaw and bone jaw sits just you know sits down lies down, um boy.
Cap:
[20:37] I'll do a jaunty little wave as we approach i'll lower my hood and be like hi i'm back you.
Dylan:
[20:45] See him uh just barely uh nod a little bit like ah and he starts walking uh towards you guys of course uh and he's and now he's kind of like looking around more he's looking like at the horizon if there's anybody else around i'll put my foot back up uh he stops going directly towards you and starts moving more off towards the right there a little bit further north um it looks like it's more a better more private spot cool good place to stash the wagon yeah there's a tree there i think you tie the horse up too uh yeah and you guys end up meeting up with gil thaniel who looks about the same he might look like he's gotten a bit more sun might have a little scar here or there that you uh didn't map out last time you saw him um yeah he's not he's not actually shirtless and glistening this time uh times have.
Cap:
[21:50] Changed for the worse.
Dylan:
[21:51] He well looks like he was cooking so he was wearing like an apron and so he's got this leather apron on um so he's hold me he's not glistening he's just kind of greasy uh but it's still still a good look um like he just butchered something and now he's cooking it in a stew uh he smells good it smells like garlic and stuff like that yeah and as as you approach he uh you know not one to show much emotion he looks pretty surprised to see you, Thea Asterisk You've returned Yeah.
Cap:
[22:31] I I understand that A decade has passed Since you last saw us.
Dylan:
[22:40] You understand I see Yeah.
Crit:
[22:44] That's not how it happened for us.
Cap:
[22:45] It's only been a few days.
Dylan:
[22:47] These Things can happen and depending on how far and how deep you go into the north, I won't ask.
Crit:
[22:59] Asterisk blushes.
Dylan:
[23:00] Clearly far enough. I'm glad to see that you've returned safely. It is good that you are not displaying yourselves very much. You are wanted women.
Cap:
[23:20] Yeah. Yeah, we found that out on the river. I won't say anything so as to not implicate you, but we ran into some problems, and now we figured that all out, and honestly, came here... Because you're one of the only people that we felt like we could trust, and you could tell us what the fuck happened.
Dylan:
[23:46] He shakes you down for some information first. He wants to know exactly when you dispatched the guards, how long ago, and if they're coming here right now. So you tell him when it happened, what happened. And he says, well, we don't have much time to catch up, but you have had a profound effect on the covenant of purity, whether you meant to or not. But it was going to happen regardless. They were powerful people seeking more power and control, and they seized it when they found a good opportunity. we should get you going somewhere uh what is it that you'd like to know i can i can answer a few questions is.
Cap:
[24:34] Drosella okay i.
Dylan:
[24:36] Don't know there was a purge shit of haven a purge and i avoided this This purge for being useful to the town. Many did not. I assume the worst. Her name is on the wall.
Cap:
[24:57] The wall? What's the wall?
Dylan:
[24:58] It is a memorial of the purge.
Crit:
[25:03] The church just killed innocent people? What?
Dylan:
[25:08] It didn't happen overnight. But fear was high. And they stoked the fear more and more. and it became the pure versus the impure.
Cap:
[25:22] Mama Grace, Millie, the girls. Shit.
Dylan:
[25:26] On the wall.
Cap:
[25:27] Shit. I'm gonna fucking kill them all.
Dylan:
[25:32] Many people left before it got that bad, but they just did not believe it would get to that point, to that level of violence. A dark day indeed.
Cap:
[25:43] Theo's so mad. And I feel like she's rarely speechless.
Crit:
[25:48] Yeah, I think Asterix is like really...
Dylan:
[25:52] Internalizing it?
Crit:
[25:53] Yeah, like...
Dylan:
[25:54] Yeah, these were not close friends of Asterix, but new friends and good ones. Maybe friends like you've never had. And good people.
Crit:
[26:04] Just so senseless. And the church is supposed to protect people. Like, I felt like I turned my back on something that just... It felt like a joke. But now this is... I want to see the wall.
Dylan:
[26:16] That might be difficult.
Cap:
[26:19] It's in the city, isn't it?
Dylan:
[26:21] It is. And most people only visit it at night. He bows his head in silence with you. Very solemn news. He says, we should get going. If you are to get out of here.
Crit:
[26:38] Yeah, I can't endanger you as well.
Cap:
[26:40] Fuck out. I'm sorry. I feel like we only ever see each other now when things are pretty dire. and uh you keep fucking helping me it.
Dylan:
[26:54] Is okay thea i'm sure you'll pay me back someday, he smiles a bit and he brings you over um to stay by the tree for a moment and he's gonna go inside get some supplies he leaves you there in silence and the breeze of this uh seems to be, late winter, very early spring, early evening. And it's quiet. And it matches your mood and the news you heard as the sun is setting and the lights are fading a bit. It's not as bright as it was.
Crit:
[27:36] Asteris is like, probably has tears in her eyes. And it's like really taking this hard. I think she takes Thea's hand. She could use some support. and just, like, says to Thea, I think this is my fault.
Cap:
[27:53] Thea takes your hand, and she's squeezing it pretty hard. She doesn't like her messy emotions being seen by anyone. So she's not actively crying, but she's more tense and rigid wretched and trembling with abject rage heartbreak and righteous vengeance, and she's not like actively crying crying but like tears are coming out she's not like but like she's like silent rage crying yeah and she's just sort of looking out at everything everything, and she says, it's not your fault, Asteris. They would have done this anyway, just like guilt said. They've always fucking been this way. They're going around telling people that you were their most promising candidate in decades, and you were, but they threw the fuck away because they didn't care, and now they're using you that way? You took from them what you were fucking owed. They have no right to use you as a banner in the way that they are.
Crit:
[29:09] Yeah i think astro stands up a little straighter at that uh just thank you the uh um, We have to make them pay.
Cap:
[29:18] I'm gonna fucking kill them for Syl. We need more people. We need more help. We can't do this just the two of us.
Crit:
[29:27] Yeah, I mean, Gil said people left town. Maybe there's more people out there that made it.
Cap:
[29:36] Finding them will be hard. It's gonna be like this everywhere we go. Every town we see. I don't know how far... i don't know how far the reach of the of the fucking church has gotten at this point there could be no towns that are safe for us anymore it's.
Crit:
[29:53] Probably safe to assume that.
Cap:
[29:57] God damn.
Dylan:
[30:02] So gethaneal returns he says to you i cannot go with you but and he reaches into his bag and he pulls out another bag but when he pulls it out it's like a cloud of powder comes off of it, and he's like, take this pouch and when you leave go a bit further north and then go west along the tree line, and keep going west until you find a clearing that is just too clean to be natural. Uh, no deadfall, no loam, nothing, just clean. Once you get there, get, go into that clearing and just pat this. And he pats the bag again, clouds come out of this, um, uh, tell them you're not a threat and, uh, that you need help. I'm going to try to do what I can to cover for you here so they don't come this way. You didn't cover your tracks at all, did you?
Crit:
[31:16] No.
Cap:
[31:18] No. Okay.
Dylan:
[31:23] May I have your horse? I hate to ask.
Crit:
[31:26] Of course. Of course.
Cap:
[31:28] This horse will probably be much happier with you than he has been with us.
Dylan:
[31:33] It really is a pressing matter, and I don't have the speed otherwise. I will keep your stuff safe, but please grab whatever it is that you need, and we'll be off.
Cap:
[31:49] Okay. Please be safe. I can't see you on that wall.
Dylan:
[31:53] I appreciate it, Theo. You'll be safe too. There's many out to get you. You must be strong, and you must be cunning, and you must make friends. Powerful friends. he uh reaches out and the horse just kind of comes right up to his hand and snuggles his hand, and uh he just kind of glides up onto the horse it's almost like a fluid it's weird elves are weird like a list style yeah he just kind of gets up onto the horse the horse seems like he's purring already uh you know for a horse anyway this is um so uh he's he's definitely got the touch with animals uh so your horse is in good hands and he um it's.
Crit:
[32:42] His horse now it's.
Cap:
[32:44] For the best.
Dylan:
[32:45] Yeah he nods to both of you again and uh then he takes off very very very quick in the direction you came seems like he's gonna go try to cover your tracks for you oh.
Crit:
[32:58] My god he's a hero.
Cap:
[33:00] Yeah i don't know what we owe this man but we owe him a lot yeah.
Dylan:
[33:04] Yeah whatever you got in that cart grab that you really really want yeah.
Cap:
[33:08] Yeah all right he was gonna load up a backpack with the bare bare minimums.
Dylan:
[33:13] All right so the finest lingerie the.
Cap:
[33:16] Finest of lingerie.
Dylan:
[33:18] Lingerie lingerie and laces is silks silks.
Cap:
[33:25] Um finest i have my one instrument i probably can't take all of my fucking instruments so i have my one and then i gotta have a smaller something i'll figure that out later i.
Dylan:
[33:39] Mean you can there's a big rucksack type or big like backpacking bag type thing that you can pack up and put on astras and put on astras she can carry at least four instruments yeah.
Crit:
[33:52] Of course wow holy shit i.
Dylan:
[33:54] Mean that's that's what your mind is saying as you're cataloging what you can and cannot take uh just load astras like a pack mule she's.
Cap:
[34:03] So strong she could do it but it.
Dylan:
[34:05] Would look ridiculous um.
Cap:
[34:10] Uh yeah so we'll we'll we'll uh travel late.
Dylan:
[34:17] Oh the pain it's become so materialistic your um attendants are crying uh about this as well like they're feeling the heartbreak they're looking at everything and they're like they're touching the silks and then just crying and pounding their fists on it, huge dramatic display about it. It makes it a little easier, I think.
Cap:
[34:47] It's comical.
Dylan:
[34:49] You're like, alright, calm down.
Cap:
[34:51] Nick, neck, paddywhack. You don't have to do that.
Dylan:
[34:55] You know, and they're like, no! Tearing it up and then wrapping it around themselves. They're having a full meltdown about it. The dramatic.
Crit:
[35:05] A Lifetime original.
Dylan:
[35:06] Right. Um, uh, so yeah, you grab what you need and you head up towards the tree line and head west.
Cap:
[35:16] Yep.
Dylan:
[35:17] All right. So, Asterix and Thea are heading by foot.
Crit:
[35:27] Poor thing. By foot.
Dylan:
[35:30] On your way westward along the tree line. It's difficult for Thea.
Crit:
[35:33] Yeah. Yeah.
Cap:
[35:36] She's already lost so much. Now she has to lose her stuff.
Dylan:
[35:41] That's right.
Crit:
[35:42] Okay. This is the biggest battle for her stuff. It's been like my favorite little mini game we've been playing.
Dylan:
[35:51] Her attendants are emoting it plenty well for her, even if they're being silent, because they know the need for discretion right now. They're definitely wearing her emotions on her sleeve, literally.
Cap:
[36:06] Oh, that's so funny.
Crit:
[36:08] Love this so much.
Dylan:
[36:09] So Thea can be just stone-faced, looking pissed off, ready to kill any fucking authority figure she sees, but you can see what she's clearly feeling.
Crit:
[36:21] Oh, man.
Cap:
[36:23] Tattle and tail. Tattle and tail. That's two more names.
Crit:
[36:27] Yay. Six.
Dylan:
[36:28] No, there's some that are like, you know, standing at attention, looking soldierly, flying right next to your face, giving off the same vibe.
Cap:
[36:36] Those ones are my new favorites.
Dylan:
[36:38] Yeah.
Cap:
[36:39] Secretly, quietly.
Dylan:
[36:40] Right. Well, if you give any indication of that, they all do it. They do. Like if you glance at them and then like glance back, looking at all pleased, they will all just fight each other to look more stern and mean and angry, just like you.
Cap:
[36:58] They're so funny.
Dylan:
[36:59] Little mirrors and stuff yeah uh yeah you guys uh start to make it out further west about an hour or so and uh the sky's a little darker it's still light on but just not as light and you give me a perception check, or a nature check oh no.
Cap:
[37:35] I got a seven i.
Crit:
[37:36] Got a ten.
Dylan:
[37:37] Oh sorry damn sorry i forgot and this isn't me fudging it in your favor i i literally forgot to give you advantage because you got this you were given the description of what to look for so you have advantage looking for this the.
Cap:
[37:52] World's most bizarre clearing.
Dylan:
[37:54] Yeah am.
Crit:
[37:55] I dumb as passive perception like not a thing anymore 20 oh there it is passive wisdom yeah i did worse.
Dylan:
[38:05] That's great all right you got a natural 20 i did all right uh asterisk uh you were paying more attention to what's behind you and what's to the left of you uh in case any like people on horses come running up or anything like that you're on high alert so you weren't really paying attention to the tree line uh thea you notice a clearing just like Othaniel described. There is a hill in the center of this clearing, and it's not so much clearing more as you notice that in between all of the trees, it's completely cleaned out. Like, no sticks, no leaves, nothing. It looks almost like a park or something or an orchard. But the trees aren't lined up or anything. thing um but in further inward to this cleaned area there's a rocky hill that is covered in foliage i.
Cap:
[39:05] Feel like we're supposed to boof it on the little hill.
Dylan:
[39:08] Right oh.
Crit:
[39:10] The hill okay yeah.
Dylan:
[39:10] Uh asterisk you're like yeah and then you see it obvi you're like oh yeah totally what you said You're like, we're here. So you guys start walking up inwards. uh towards the clearing do you pull that little boofer out it's not a boofer yeah that's a different thing we're.
Crit:
[39:32] Supposed to say that we're not a threat right.
Dylan:
[39:35] Right so.
Crit:
[39:35] Yeah yeah i think let's do do that as we go in there like all.
Dylan:
[39:40] Right we're.
Crit:
[39:40] Not a threat i'm hello we come in peace.
Dylan:
[39:43] All right come in peace so you're patting this thing and it's leaving like a clouds of powder around the pixies are coughing and sneezing silently and you see a head poke up from behind a rock near a tree and it just kind of suddenly pokes up goes back down and then comes back up again and it's a man and he looks to be wearing like uh leather armor maybe as he stands up but no insignias, no colors, or anything like that. He's like, stop. We stop. Sir. You're not a cop, are you?
Cap:
[40:27] Far, far from it, I assure you.
Crit:
[40:29] Not anymore.
Dylan:
[40:31] So he said cop, and that's... Give me an insight check.
Cap:
[40:36] Both of us?
Dylan:
[40:37] Yeah. Okay.
Cap:
[40:43] Oof, that's not going to be good.
Crit:
[40:45] 15.
Cap:
[40:46] Eight.
Dylan:
[40:49] Thea, you were just rolling with it. You're like, I don't know what the fuck you just said, but okay. Astris, you're like, cop. Oh, Covenant of Purity.
Crit:
[40:59] Oh.
Cap:
[41:02] You fucking clever son of a bitch. I literally didn't see that coming. And I'm so mad about it. Well done, asshole. Wow. I'm so pleased. I'm so mad.
Dylan:
[41:28] So, Astris, you realize what he's saying. Because you're both like, no, of course not. But then you're like, wait, no.
Crit:
[41:40] Not anymore.
Dylan:
[41:41] Yeah.
Crit:
[41:41] Yeah.
Dylan:
[41:42] Do you fill Thea in on this one?
Crit:
[41:44] Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I mean, it's covenant of purity.
Cap:
[41:48] Oh. Oh, definitely not. Fuck them.
Crit:
[41:51] Yeah, no.
Dylan:
[41:51] Yeah.
Crit:
[41:52] I hate them.
Dylan:
[41:54] He seems a little, you know, twitchy, but he's like, okay.
Cap:
[41:59] We were told to say that we need help.
Dylan:
[42:02] Okay. Okay. Well, hand over the bag. I'll help you. What do you need? Do you need to get out of here? Yeah. Do you need to hide?
Crit:
[42:11] Yeah.
Cap:
[42:11] Yeah.
Crit:
[42:12] All those things.
Dylan:
[42:14] All of the above, my answer. Give me the bag.
Crit:
[42:17] Anything you got.
Cap:
[42:18] All right. can i can i insight check this man very quick before i give him the bag like does he do i does it i want to know if it seems like this is actually his job like is he actually the person i'm supposed to give this to or is he just being a dude so just like is this just his his his rolling.
Dylan:
[42:35] Insight and roll a perception check.
Cap:
[42:37] Okay you.
Dylan:
[42:40] Two asterisk roll.
Cap:
[42:41] Oh god no.
Crit:
[42:43] I believe him i i'm like no i'm cool i'm i definitely want to be cool i'm not i'm not thinking further into this.
Cap:
[42:50] Oh god a five for my insight and an eight for my perception this is not good you.
Dylan:
[43:01] Can't really tell if this guy's full of shit but like he's a guy who responded to you doing the thing that.
Cap:
[43:09] You know.
Dylan:
[43:10] So you're like Like, well, who else would respond out here? And you're not exactly sure what's in the bag or why it's payment. But, you know, he's just got his hand out and he's, you know, doing it. All right.
Crit:
[43:27] Let's go smokes. Yeah.
Dylan:
[43:29] Come on, let's go.
Cap:
[43:31] I'll give it to him. I'll be like, what is that? It's not everywhere.
Dylan:
[43:36] He like takes a big like sniff of it. He's like, yeah, it's good. yeah yeah and uh he puts he puts his finger up in the air like makes some sign with his fingers and um out from like the trees and the foliage like there's no foliage really on anywhere but people just kind of materialize out of the ground they're so well hidden um you know 20 feet that way you know 40 feet that way you know they're coming out from behind trees and they're just um, calmly now at ease walking over to your position. Um, and he like holds up the bag and they're like, she's going to be fucking so happy, man. He's like, don't I know it. All right, let's go.
Cap:
[44:27] Who is she?
Dylan:
[44:29] And, uh, they pretty much, uh, everybody who can hear you, like a lot of the guys are filtering with you. Um, they're like the queen, like they all kind of say all at once.
Cap:
[44:42] Queen?
Dylan:
[44:43] Yeah, the queen. and the guy's like all right guys get back to your positions this isn't a this isn't a party, he's like look yeah all right we got a queen we work for her she's everything to us okay oh we'll we'll do anything for her well what we do out here is we defend okay this hill we're going in not many people get to come in here okay unless you know exactly what to do all right this is our Our domain. This is, well, it's our queen's domain, and we're just defending it out here, okay?
Cap:
[45:19] Understood.
Dylan:
[45:19] All right. Now, be respectful, you know? This is our queen's domain. Now, tell me, do you need to, like, stay here for a while, or do you need to go somewhere? Do you need to leave?
Crit:
[45:32] Well, the cops are looking for us.
Cap:
[45:34] So, yeah, we need to leave, seemingly.
Dylan:
[45:40] Yeah, we can do that. uh you're gonna have to have an audience with her majesty uh obviously if you were going to enter her domain and um uh that's an honor a great honor uh some of us haven't met her uh, uh really since we were first uh brought in are these all.
Crit:
[45:59] Just sorry to interrupt are these all just humans.
Dylan:
[46:02] Yeah okay okay and he uh he waves off some people like telling him where to go back to position and uh he brings you in so you guys are heading towards the hill that has tons of foliage and everything on it yeah and as you get close you realize that it's, camouflaged it is covered in what you assume is all the foliage from the surrounding area yeah wow um so.
Crit:
[46:37] They ripped that clearing.
Dylan:
[46:38] Yeah just and like the thing is that yeah you wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't really been told that this one clearing is kind of nicer than the rest on the ground you're heading towards this hill and you're getting closer, And he starts pulling back some vines and it reveals a path. And the path isn't as rocky or natural, you know, seeming as you would assume. It's actually very polished smooth. And as you start to get into the side of this hill, it's completely smooth without an edge or a corner on anything. If you think like those formations in the Grand Canyon between the rocks and the chasms that has the irregular shapes to these corridors, it would be like each corridor has these weird irregular shapes that you walk through, but completely smooth. and looking at the the ground and the walls and everything it's uh stone and wood uh put together pieced together um and then polished together so it's this uh kind of one solid smooth piece so asterisk.
Crit:
[48:07] Unlike myself can refrain from touching things.
Dylan:
[48:09] Yeah i.
Crit:
[48:12] Like to play characters different from myself so.
Dylan:
[48:15] He starts giving you a bit of a tour and he is like he's like we well the guys inside the workers they're working tirelessly night and day all we're doing is we're expanding her domain up through this hill and then down through the hill and working out all the necessary little tubes and tunnels that she needs so that we can deliver all the necessary liquids and nutrition that she needs we've got and he's like points off to the side these little like tubes there are little holes in the wall that lead to little tubes you see another man who is pouring a bucket of water into and you notice any of the spilled water on the the side just kind of flows in this little gutter along where you're walking the guy leading you tells you that you know they all have their destinations for processing and getting to the queen and he's like he's like but he holds his finger up he's like not a single one of these tunnels or these tubes goes directly to the queen it's smart and he taps his head.
Cap:
[49:30] That is clever and.
Dylan:
[49:32] Yeah he's just kind of rambling as he's taking you along and he's like another one of these this one was hard because it's granite you see and you're like okay, like burrowing through this one whoo.
Cap:
[49:46] How are they made so smooth? How do you burrow them so smoothly?
Dylan:
[49:50] Oh, it's just a lot of time and effort. Really, you should see some of it. And then he points over towards the workers working down the tunnel. And you can hear more of what they're doing than see because there's kind of sparks shooting up and a lot of banging noises and grinding noises and what sounds like screaming. and they're like you know as you pass by this tunnel it's like being excavated further it's just this grinding and it fades a little bit and he's like blood sweat and tears all.
Cap:
[50:28] In equal measure.
Dylan:
[50:29] After giving you a bit of a tour another thing you notice is that the workers inside uh they don't seem to be talking really making much eye contact with anybody they're just doing their thing working hard eyes down straight ahead or whatever's on their task um you know whereas the people outside were you know more animated and talking straight to you interesting.
Cap:
[50:57] Got real like quiet in here why don't these guys talk to each other.
Crit:
[51:04] I'm so curious uh.
Dylan:
[51:06] These guys don't talk much they're um uh they're good at what they do that's why they're in here um but you know they're not much for doing much else you know to each their own queen bless them so.
Crit:
[51:21] Your queen's domain is all underground is that.
Dylan:
[51:26] Uh yeah yeah yeah she's she's gonna be deep you know obviously you're gonna meet her so you get this information i swear to god if you ever tell anybody no.
Crit:
[51:35] Of course not.
Dylan:
[51:36] No not.
Crit:
[51:36] A word no you're doing us a favor like.
Dylan:
[51:39] Yeah truly.
Crit:
[51:39] This is on like we feel safe here for like the first time in a minute so like i'm not taking that for granted let me let me tell you the truth so.
Dylan:
[51:50] When he did He did point out that not a single tunnel or tube or anything goes directly to the Queen's Lair. You did realize that after a while you'd been taking several turns and this is quite a labyrinth.
Cap:
[52:02] Oh, yeah. I've accepted. We're very lost in here.
Dylan:
[52:06] If you wanted to get out or go anywhere, you'd need a guide. And it seems intentional in that way, too, for defense.
Cap:
[52:13] It's smart.
Dylan:
[52:14] So he brings you uh deep around this uh coiling corridor that eventually stops with two really big really strong looking guys uh probably the biggest ones you've seen in a long time um, uh huge dudes and you actually uh thea you recognize one of them, from your old mercenary party oh my god yeah this guy miguel that you didn't really get along like you you know him and you drank with him and everything you weren't like close close or anything but you recognize him yeah you.
Cap:
[52:54] Son of a bitch.
Dylan:
[52:55] So you see him standing uh guard uh around near this door so he him and this other guard and so he's got his eyes forward but when you say that he kind of like looks over you and like you see you see his eyes widen a bit but then he like his eyes snap forward again i.
Cap:
[53:16] Can't believe it's you what you're just not gonna say anything get over here it's been a minute and a half.
Dylan:
[53:23] Uh i don't think he's allowed to uh say Say anything to anybody. He's one of the royal guard.
Cap:
[53:31] Oh, please, I know him.
Dylan:
[53:33] Well, I mean, you might have, but now he's a royal guard. I mean, it's for life. So maybe if you ask her majesty, I would suggest, but don't ask him to break protocol is all I'm saying.
Cap:
[53:50] I understand. I understand. I will ask her majesty.
Dylan:
[53:57] Yeah, so I'll leave you to it. And these guys, and he looks like thoroughly intimidated by these guys. Like completely cowed to the royal guard.
Crit:
[54:12] Oh, yeah.
Dylan:
[54:12] And he's like, they'll help you out. They'll let you in. And he, you know, kind of.
Cap:
[54:17] Thank you.
Dylan:
[54:19] Leaves, backs away, takes off. the royal guard who are holding spears um very thick heavy metal spears size queens yeah um well i mean it looks like you know an eight inch dowel that's you know eight feet long so it's it's gonna be whatever they're hitting this is gonna hurt it's not getting up again yeah and so they uh They both, in formation, move to the side of the door. And Miguel, he pulls a string near the top, and a curtain drops to the side and swings off. And they both nod their head.
Cap:
[55:05] I will nod back in thanks and proceed inside.
Dylan:
[55:11] All right.
Cap:
[55:12] Um, with, I feel like, do I get that this is clearly like the main chamber area. So we're kind of going to go in like, not like super held, like super, super high, but like, uh, you know, in a, thank you for receiving us sort of body language.
Dylan:
[55:28] Right. Thea, do you have any weapons on you, like a dagger or anything like that? Are you just musical instruments?
Cap:
[55:36] Um, I have a single dagger.
Dylan:
[55:39] Okay. As you start to flourish and walk through, you get the twin staff treatment and they look down. Both of them look down and eye your dagger.
Cap:
[55:54] My apologies. I take it off and give it to them.
Dylan:
[55:58] Put it on the floor. Yeah, they put a hand out and take it, and it's gone immediately. And then they open up and let you through. Thank you. Asterisk, you're going to get it too.
Crit:
[56:11] Yeah, I want to do, like, the same thing, but can I, like... This is kind of a dick move. Can I do, like, the Donald Trump thing when he shakes somebody's hand? not like to that degree but like i want to give him the sword but like kind of like see how strong he is oh.
Cap:
[56:28] The insecure man handshake.
Crit:
[56:30] Yeah.
Dylan:
[56:30] Yes yes you can are you doing it to miguel or are you doing it to the the other guy to miguel all right give me a d20 the.
Cap:
[56:39] One you can fuck with even just a little bit.
Dylan:
[56:40] I'm so curious yeah so uh asterisk you start pulling off knives uh swords mace your Your mace.
Crit:
[56:51] Morningstar.
Dylan:
[56:51] Yeah, your Morningstar, your shield. And Morningstar last. And you go to hand it to him and he grabs it and you don't let go at first. And he goes to yank it and you yank at the same time. So let's roll a little strength check here.
Crit:
[57:15] Five. Wait, am I adding anything to it?
Dylan:
[57:18] Your strength.
Crit:
[57:19] Oh, nine.
Dylan:
[57:20] All right yeah he pulls it out of your hand like you're a baby like like an embarrassing like you thought you're it i don't think he registered you were holding it like you were doing the the test of strength thing he just took it.
Crit:
[57:34] Good that's better.
Dylan:
[57:35] Yeah that's better, Yeah, I rolled an 18.
Crit:
[57:41] All right, I'm cowed. I'm properly cowed.
Dylan:
[57:44] And these guys do look like very intimidatingly huge and strong, like bigger than most big people. Like you've seen maybe some instructors and some star pupils who have passed through that are like this size. It seems like they're obviously picked for a reason.
Crit:
[58:04] Cool. That's what I wanted to know.
Dylan:
[58:08] Yeah.
Crit:
[58:08] Just what I could have known by looking at them. They're strong.
Dylan:
[58:13] So you guys head down through this doorway that leads to a little stairway that then leads through straight, straight downward. Um, I just see crit off like making directions.
Crit:
[58:29] I'm picturing.
Dylan:
[58:30] Uh, yeah, you're going down a little stairway and then through right before you reach the next doorway that has a curtain covered. it's also swings to the side and it reveals the queen's lair and the lair is a spherical chamber with circular cells on the wall that are glowing orange and red with a silhouette of something inside moving i knew each cell i knew it the cells uh light the room in an orange red kind of firelight but more of a throbbing glow you can see tubes and little holes in the ceiling that are um have fluids coming out of them different colors going down the channels between the cells and the walls it's pooling at the bottom into this glowing baby blue slime.
Dylan:
[59:26] Slime the slime though doesn't look like a pool of water the way water would um act it seems like it is spread out evenly and reaching up towards the sides of the wall so it's like a an equal depth up the side at the bottom of this sphere um and it looks like it's reaching towards the rivulets and the streams of different colored waters looks like it's feeding this slime, so in the middle of this slime you see five men sitting in a circle facing what can only be the queen the queen that looks like she's growing from this pool of slime.
Dylan:
[1:00:11] Um up to about her waist is just a you know just unorganized unshapely slime leading to a very feminine figure from the waist up where she has uh looks to be kind of cut diamonds in her eyes and in her nipples and they glow white to both of you she's stunning and stunningly feminine in absolute insane proportions. Every part of her kind of jiggles and sways in an over-exaggerated sexuality.
Dylan:
[1:00:50] You know, her curves are unreal and realistically unwieldy and just seems like it gives off this immense, dreamlike almost, crazy amount of sexuality that's going on here. The men who are surrounding her are sitting, you can only see them from the waist up, but there are multiple tentacles writhing and undulating from around the midsection under the slime on each of them. And these tentacles are coming from the queen. The men's chests are kind of facing the ceiling and their eyes and heads are rolled back, mouths agape and tongues lolling. They breathe quick, short breaths, otherwise make no sounds.
Crit:
[1:01:46] Oh, no.
Cap:
[1:01:49] Oh, no. The O circle.
Crit:
[1:01:52] Wow.
Cap:
[1:01:53] Does it seem like the tentacle circle jerk? Yeah. is coming to a close, I would hate to interrupt. Or is it just ongoing and forever?
Dylan:
[1:02:07] Well, you're walking into it.
Crit:
[1:02:12] That's a huge question. My question was, is there's an unslimed place to stand?
Dylan:
[1:02:22] Yeah, so there's a little staircase leading to the slime. The pit.
Crit:
[1:02:29] Nice the slime pit.
Dylan:
[1:02:30] And as you get closer it almost looks like the slime is reaching out oh yeah you know like it's reaching up along the wall there it's just sucking on that the nutrients you hear the uh the voice of the queen as she says welcome please present yourselves thank.
Cap:
[1:02:51] You for seeing us your majesty and i sort of have my head bowed uh as we walk forward word.
Crit:
[1:02:58] Yeah asterisk is disturbed and uncomfortable uh but she takes a knee.
Dylan:
[1:03:04] Okay now she does her etiquette protocol there's.
Crit:
[1:03:08] People obviously doing sex stuff in this room that's weird and that's weird and wrong and bad he was like this is a saturday night for me.
Dylan:
[1:03:16] Uh she goes please excuse them and she makes a gesture with her hand and all of the tentacles kind of fly up flutter and then like uh slip back you know into her and when.
Crit:
[1:03:31] You pull out too fast.
Dylan:
[1:03:33] And the oh no the men the men immediately like oh oh they're crawling they're on hands and knees and they're just like please please my queen and they're they're begging to deliver they keep Keeps saying they need to deliver over it. And she says, leave us. And they all immediately go silent and all crawl into a dark corner on the other side.
Crit:
[1:04:00] Of a sphere.
Cap:
[1:04:05] I think that was worse than to have just continued to be choked off.
Crit:
[1:04:12] This is some eldritch fucking...
Cap:
[1:04:15] I fucking love it. Oh my god, my face hurts shit.
Crit:
[1:04:20] I know. Okay.
Cap:
[1:04:22] Again, thank you. We did not mean to interrupt. But it means everything that you have had an audience with us.
Dylan:
[1:04:31] Well, I appreciate you presenting yourself so quickly upon entering my domain. I hear you paid handsomely upon entering.
Cap:
[1:04:39] We did.
Dylan:
[1:04:40] That's very nice.
Cap:
[1:04:42] We are more than happy to oblige.
Dylan:
[1:04:44] Gil Thaniel, I assume?
Cap:
[1:04:47] Yeah, he's a good one.
Dylan:
[1:04:48] He is if he paid that high. Now, how can I help you?
Cap:
[1:04:52] We need a way to not be found. We are seeking a safe way to go south, beyond the ribbon.
Dylan:
[1:05:06] I assume you're avoiding the surface because of mercenary groups, slavers, anybody in particular?
Crit:
[1:05:15] The Covenant.
Dylan:
[1:05:16] Ah, she, uh, she looks to both, both of you and it looks like she makes the connection and she smiles broadly and she said, and she, uh, she nods and she'll say, I'd be delighted to help out both of you.
Cap:
[1:05:36] Did our reputation proceed us?
Dylan:
[1:05:39] I hope that at least half of it is true.
Cap:
[1:05:44] Well i've got some new additions i'd be more than happy to tell you about that happened on our way here.
Dylan:
[1:05:50] Oh please do and um she'll uh listen to your exploits she'll listen to everything you want to tell her if you want to tell her about the feywild she.
Crit:
[1:06:02] A fucking gossip.
Dylan:
[1:06:03] If you want to she um doesn't She doesn't get out much.
Cap:
[1:06:07] Oh my gosh, of course.
Dylan:
[1:06:08] She is a queen in her lair.
Cap:
[1:06:10] Oh my gosh, she needs news.
Dylan:
[1:06:11] And she is like, I've heard that some shit has been going down in the last 10 years, and so.
Cap:
[1:06:17] Oh my God, girl.
Dylan:
[1:06:19] And then like you two showed up in her lair.
Crit:
[1:06:22] Babe.
Cap:
[1:06:23] Okay, so do you want to know the whole truth?
Dylan:
[1:06:27] Oh yes, please, every detail. I'm starved.
Cap:
[1:06:30] She will sort of dramatically like tell her like, the story of corrupting astris and and essentially you know she's going to be truthful she won't linger on too too much detail but she will be truthful and entertaining i think astris.
Crit:
[1:06:48] Is going to sit back and enjoy the story too.
Dylan:
[1:06:49] Just like good storytelling why don't you roll a performance check because the story does have parts where you use your instrument anyway oh yeah and yeah.
Cap:
[1:06:59] She's probably like doing like little like chords along with like certain things that she's saying like just to enhance crap.
Dylan:
[1:07:05] Yeah yeah.
Crit:
[1:07:06] I bet you've been working on this ballad it's.
Cap:
[1:07:08] Always i think her mind's always doing that.
Dylan:
[1:07:10] I mean it's the storytelling itself so this is a perfect time for bard to do her thing that's.
Cap:
[1:07:16] True that is 16.
Dylan:
[1:07:19] Yeah you begin impromptu with none of your stuff start to give a whole little thing you're like well and you start to tell the story and you're like well hold on and then you get your instrument you're like because i mean when we left the aurora okay and so you had to back up back up and by the time you had all you'd you know backed up to where you needed to start you were like okay i know this story and you started on it she's thoroughly engrossed she loves it she's sitting there with her um you know her chin on her hands uh she's uh lying on her stomach sort of now that she has feet that she's kind of flipping up into the air and the slime's kind of coming up and um i love that you know with just like you know she's still like in every pose looking highly sexual and like super sexy and you can kind of see it too like there's this uh magnetism to her but you don't think it's like Like just, you know, the good kind. So you try not to get too drawn in. She was good, dangerous.
Cap:
[1:08:33] But good.
Dylan:
[1:08:33] I like this. It's intoxicating. But she's not really turning it on for you. So you are telling her this great story and eventually how you got to here. And she claps excitedly. and she squealed with joy when your attendants came out of the bag right on cue for the story and started helping out telling this story. And she looks like she is tickled pink by everything that's just happened, who just showed up and everything that's going on with this story. So she's like, oh my God, this is amazing. You have just made my, ugh, millennium. This is amazing.
Cap:
[1:09:23] That makes me so happy.
Dylan:
[1:09:24] Oh, please. Yes. So we don't usually tell these people these things, but these hives are connected mostly. We try to keep them as connected as possible. Some cave-ins and things happen. But yeah, I send my workers out to dig for about 50 miles before we find a good one for the next one when we have a viable queen ready. and you look around the sphere room and there's like hundreds wow.
Crit:
[1:09:55] So you have a lot of daughters oh.
Dylan:
[1:09:58] Yes wow.
Cap:
[1:10:00] Look at them all very cool.
Dylan:
[1:10:02] So we do have a connection to the south we have one to the north if you would like to go through the fae for a while but i assume that you don't want to go back there just yet not.
Cap:
[1:10:13] Just yet we.
Dylan:
[1:10:14] Can take you there's one that goes 50 miles to the south But I would recommend surfacing every once in a while. There are exits. It can be grueling for mortals, surface dwellers. Taking the tunnels can be disorienting. And sometimes other things will inhabit the tunnels. Although we do have my defenders and fighters patrol every once in a while. wow.
Cap:
[1:10:48] That is that is better news than i could have hoped for i yeah thank you very much yeah.
Crit:
[1:10:56] We were pretty stranded before this so.
Dylan:
[1:10:58] It's no issue i appreciate it and um i will say that there are a network of us we are all our own queens some of us aren't as interested in the the surface, goings-on, some of us do not like outsiders. take heed take caution but my tunnel to the south is safe wonderful.
Cap:
[1:11:27] Wow may i ask one small further favor.
Dylan:
[1:11:34] Would it.
Cap:
[1:11:37] Be at all possible for me to have a short conversation with one of your guardsmen miguel.
Dylan:
[1:11:46] I used.
Cap:
[1:11:48] To know him from up top.
Dylan:
[1:11:49] Oh oh they um generally lose their names uh upon uh coming to me uh yes uh sure what is he the one on the right or the left of the door.
Cap:
[1:12:04] I i point i point to which one he is.
Dylan:
[1:12:07] Yes uh feel free you can't have him oh no of course mine of course um yes please feel free and uh when you're finished uh tell him that he can take you to the tunnels oh.
Cap:
[1:12:23] Well thank you.
Dylan:
[1:12:26] Again that.
Cap:
[1:12:27] Is so kind.
Dylan:
[1:12:28] Is no worry she um thanks you again for your rousing story.
Cap:
[1:12:39] Happy to oblige.
Dylan:
[1:12:40] And she looks just pleased, just rejuvenated, and she makes a flourish as you guys are going to leave and the five men come crawling back out, moaning.
Cap:
[1:13:00] They can deliver now.
Dylan:
[1:13:01] Yeah. delivery please yeah and you hear some splashes yeah, and the queen goes back into what looks like a meditative state like the way she was when you found her.
Crit:
[1:13:21] Nice I like her life.
Dylan:
[1:13:25] So you make it to the other side of the door and Miguel's there.
Cap:
[1:13:29] Hey Miguel yell. Queen said we could talk. I asked her permission and she said yes. Also, you're escorting us down the tunnel.
Dylan:
[1:13:43] Wow. And he like glances over and like the queen still has her eyes closed. And he's like, he looks genuinely shocked. And then he like stops making that expression, goes to like a flat expression. And he's like, yes, of course. And like, he looks really weirded out right now. He hasn't really been able, seems like he hasn't been able to talk or make many expressions in a while.
Cap:
[1:14:07] Is this a good thing or a bad thing for you, Miguel?
Dylan:
[1:14:09] Go those of you guys are are you asking them that as you walk yeah great amazing awesome okay.
Cap:
[1:14:21] Sick well i.
Dylan:
[1:14:22] Guess everything's amazing we.
Cap:
[1:14:24] Can walk and talk we're going south past the ribbon her majesty said there was a a tunnel.
Dylan:
[1:14:34] You're going to the ribbon yeah you fucking I wouldn't know I know you're crazy.
Cap:
[1:14:42] Yeah have you.
Dylan:
[1:14:43] When was the last time you were up top got some family members down there or something I mean like god.
Cap:
[1:14:48] If I only knew I wouldn't fucking be up here.
Dylan:
[1:14:52] Yeah he did just tell a pretty like racist joke but it seems like they were close enough yeah I was like you're like whoa, fuck you Miguel.
Cap:
[1:15:04] Uh huh uh huh yeah.
Dylan:
[1:15:06] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:15:07] But I do.
Dylan:
[1:15:08] Yeah, well, yeah, I'm sure you do. I'm sure they're just as bad as you are.
Cap:
[1:15:13] I'm the best, excuse you.
Dylan:
[1:15:16] Really, really. You know, we thought you caused a lot of waves when you just up and disappeared, you know? But then, then, the covenant of purity... Like, it's, like, a hundred times bigger and crazy, and they're all, like, talking about you.
Cap:
[1:15:35] Oh.
Dylan:
[1:15:36] And we know it's you. I've heard of that, I see. We know it's you.
Cap:
[1:15:39] I, um, listen, I didn't do that.
Crit:
[1:15:45] Do that?
Dylan:
[1:15:46] They're saying you did a lot of things.
Cap:
[1:15:49] I didn't do any of it.
Crit:
[1:15:51] I know you're lying.
Cap:
[1:15:53] I am not lying, Miguel.
Dylan:
[1:15:55] Lies.
Cap:
[1:15:56] Fucking, I am not.
Dylan:
[1:15:57] From the mouth of a bard you fucking dickhead spin me your tail like it's gonna matter I will I spun a tail.
Cap:
[1:16:05] So good your.
Dylan:
[1:16:06] Queen let us do this well you know props for that yeah.
Cap:
[1:16:12] That's right but I.
Dylan:
[1:16:16] Fucking I swear.
Cap:
[1:16:16] To gods any of the gods all the gods we did not do that shit.
Crit:
[1:16:23] We did some of it.
Cap:
[1:16:24] Well.
Dylan:
[1:16:25] See we.
Cap:
[1:16:27] Didn't do anything.
Dylan:
[1:16:30] This is your pale night throwing you under the bus i.
Crit:
[1:16:34] Did some of it let's be real.
Dylan:
[1:16:37] All right she's not me accountability right i.
Cap:
[1:16:43] Didn't do anything like always i am.
Dylan:
[1:16:48] Completely innocent yeah babe in the woods I.
Cap:
[1:16:51] Am so innocent They drew first blood.
Dylan:
[1:16:58] Then it comes out They said something first It was always But that's why we liked you And that's why you were so effective, Uh, yeah, here we're getting down to the, uh, the Southern passage here and he, uh, moves, uh, some worker people out of the way. As they're working on a path here, they're like polishing the ground, but it looks like their hands and like rocks or something like some kind of gravel underneath their hands and their knees and stuff. They're kind of just sliding and back and forth. it and he just kind of like uses his foot and pushes him away is.
Crit:
[1:17:41] That how they polish that really nice uh wood paneling upstairs.
Dylan:
[1:17:45] Yeah it's beautiful i.
Cap:
[1:17:46] Was wondering what the polish was mahogany perhaps no blood i see now and sweat and.
Dylan:
[1:17:53] Tears yeah nice perfect chemical concoction to create these perfect passages remarkable just rub people into it until it's sealed yeah.
Cap:
[1:18:05] She's She's a beat that one.
Crit:
[1:18:07] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:18:08] Yeah, and it widens up, and then there's a bit of a stairway that goes down into a larger passage. Looks like it can take people three abreast. That's three abreast.
Cap:
[1:18:24] Let's walk on either side of Miguel.
Crit:
[1:18:27] Three, count them. One, two, three abreast.
Dylan:
[1:18:29] He's like, I can't really leave a hive here. I mean, I can't leave the kingdom behind. And you... Anyway, it was awesome that you even... I can't believe you're here. That's crazy.
Cap:
[1:18:47] I can't believe you're here. How did you get down here?
Dylan:
[1:18:52] Well, he looks over his shoulder. He's like, Her Majesty is a very... persuasive leader and i can see.
Cap:
[1:19:05] That i really liked her yeah she's um.
Dylan:
[1:19:07] And you know the mercenary company i guess you know we call it company but we split up you know eventually people got caught people got killed um people went for their higher paying jobs you know uh do you.
Cap:
[1:19:25] Know where rocks went.
Dylan:
[1:19:26] Oh rocks man geez i couldn't tell you that was i mean he was over in the midlands for a while but i couldn't tell you you know it's not any any good new information, uh he didn't get he didn't get caught up by the the covenant last i heard uh but yeah they're definitely looking for people like him fuck.
Cap:
[1:19:53] I've been looking for him.
Dylan:
[1:19:55] Yeah he's probably hard to find yeah.
Cap:
[1:20:00] I imagine he is i would be too i am being that.
Dylan:
[1:20:04] Right and you all look around this tunnel in this strange place that you're in he's like look my options could have been a lot worse as yeah as you can see and he like gestures to the others like the workers and oh i yes absolutely it's not so bad and you know i get to travel every once in a while you know 50 miles here 50 miles there you know it's not too bad and the food's good it's mostly it's mostly liquid though.
Cap:
[1:20:43] Well, I hear that is easier to digest.
Dylan:
[1:20:46] Yeah, it sure is. But I look great. You do?
Cap:
[1:20:50] You look fantastic.
Dylan:
[1:20:51] You know, it's really cut.
Cap:
[1:20:53] I give it a squeeze.
Dylan:
[1:20:54] Rock hard.
Cap:
[1:20:56] Damn.
Dylan:
[1:20:58] Yeah, you know, I work out a lot. What else are you going to do?
Crit:
[1:21:01] Astros kicks dirt in the corner in the back.
Cap:
[1:21:06] You know, Astros is really strong. You guys should arm wrestle.
Crit:
[1:21:09] I could eat slime.
Cap:
[1:21:12] I could eat slime.
Dylan:
[1:21:16] I don't think it would do I don't know I don't think women Get the, The delivery But I wouldn't If I were you It's great I just you know The reason why I wouldn't I want to be clear is because You aren't males, That's why I wouldn't do it If you were males I would definitely I'd be like, you can't go. You're going to stay with me and the queen. But you're not, so you get to go. Or you have to go.
Cap:
[1:21:51] That's, you know what? I understand territory. That's fine. Oh. And Miguel, I didn't leave on purpose. I disappeared.
Dylan:
[1:22:05] Well, yeah.
Cap:
[1:22:07] I woke up somewhere else.
Dylan:
[1:22:09] What like are you teleported something.
Cap:
[1:22:12] I have no idea i i had to walk for days before i found a town and i'd been stuck in haven for the last like three years.
Dylan:
[1:22:21] Well that's weird i don't know if i'm gonna believe you but you when have.
Cap:
[1:22:30] I ever lied this guy.
Dylan:
[1:22:33] Look i'm not gonna say that you killed all the chickens and the pigs and then disappeared with all your stuff left behind, which is not like you.
Cap:
[1:22:49] It was...
Dylan:
[1:22:50] Some people said they saw you fleeing the scene covered in blood, naked.
Cap:
[1:22:56] No.
Dylan:
[1:22:57] That's what I hear.
Cap:
[1:22:59] I don't run around naked.
Dylan:
[1:23:00] I've seen her naked.
Crit:
[1:23:02] She does.
Dylan:
[1:23:03] What were you not good? All right when you woke up and hated when you woke up in Haven were you like wearing your outfit? No Were you covered in chicken feathers and blood and naked?
Cap:
[1:23:18] No, but I was naked.
Dylan:
[1:23:21] Well, I'm not saying it was you who killed all the chickens and pigs, but Samuel was so pissed.
Cap:
[1:23:28] Oh, fuck.
Dylan:
[1:23:31] Oh, cool.
Cap:
[1:23:32] Everyone thinks I went crazy.
Dylan:
[1:23:35] Yeah. Well, and then you did. You did not. You know, 13 years ago, 10 years ago. Anyway, keep causing mayhem.
Cap:
[1:23:46] I'll try.
Dylan:
[1:23:47] Eye stay safe you.
Cap:
[1:23:49] Too bud he.
Dylan:
[1:23:51] Uh adjusts his armor a bit and then bids you adieu and gets back up into his kingdom cool.
Cap:
[1:24:00] As he walks away i cheekily give him the finger.
Dylan:
[1:24:02] Uh yeah he he throws one right back all.
Cap:
[1:24:08] Right fuck yeah.
Dylan:
[1:24:11] Yeah and yeah and here there uh there are no lights so you'll need torches and you'll light your torches because i know you have them even though i know you don't have them on your character sheet i do all right you now have it on your character sheet so you have a torch and you're uh making your way down the tunnel and i think we'll end we.
Cap:
[1:24:34] Have enough days of rations.
Dylan:
[1:24:35] Right well so will she, yeah and yeah we'll end it right there cool.
Cap:
[1:24:43] Sounds good yeah jesus christ of all the places i expected this to go this was not.
Dylan:
[1:24:49] It yeah for.
Cap:
[1:24:50] Real thank you for going on that journey with us everyone wow slime mommy.
Dylan:
[1:24:55] Yeah thank you i.
Crit:
[1:24:57] Forgot we were not talking to each other.
Cap:
[1:25:01] Wow so a lot happens we laughed we cried we made friends with the slime queen you know normal shit for these two apparently i just want to thank you again for listening to another episode of our podcast we truly appreciate every one of you it would help us out a ton if you could rate and and subscribe to our show and share it with a friend. And, a special announcement, we have an Instagram! Stupid Sexy D&D Podcast is the handle. Please go give us a follow. Episodes of Slash and Fuck are released every other Monday. So until then, drink some water, do some stretches, and stay sexy, my friends.