Astris’ guard patrol leads her by the Chalice where the resident bard Thea seems like she needs some protection.
Cap: Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and we'll be dealing with adult themes and content as our story unfolds. That said, if you're interested in our characters' early development, please continue listening to our foreplay episodes. But, if you'd like to jump into the slashing and fucking, feel free to go straight to episode one. I'll have a recap waiting for you there. Now that my pesky announcements are out of the way, let's get playing.
Dylan: Hello and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid, sexy D&D podcast. I'm here with my players, Thea and Asteris.
Crit: Hey, I'm Crit. I'm playing Asteris. a half-elf warrior. She, her pronouns.
Cap: And I'm Cap. I'll be playing Thea, a tiefling bard. She, her pronouns.
Dylan: Very nice. Now, before we begin, I'd like to give a bit of an intro to the world that you'll be playing in. In the distant past, the world was torn asunder by war. Gods and mortals alike had fallen to wickedness and depravity, and whatever delicate balance that held the world together fractured and fell to ruin. Legends tell of a land whole, filled with the gods and their varied offspring, meeting, trading, and making merry. Magic filled the lives of every denizen, eliminating hunger, hardship, and struggle. No longer. Countless lives, societies, cultures, and entire histories were destroyed in the great upheaval. The skies themselves fractured, leaving behind a hypnotic river of pastels flowing and sparkling lights in the north, and a progressively darkening sky to the south with a deep blood-red line along the mountainous horizon seen at all times of day and night. The land itself, now known as El Minal, is uncharted and dangerous.
Dylan: Roads and more hospitable terrain were slowly cleared between settlements as the most organized and armed organization in the world, the Covenant of Purity, attempted to tame and reclaim the ruined land. Few settlements exist and most do not know life outside of their villages. Today, magic, relics, and ancient artifacts are shunned by the Covenant of Purity. Merchants who deal in these items and those who trade with them are looked down upon as openly cavorting with the wickedness of the past that brought them all ruin. Society within the bounds of the church is puritanical and militaristic. Its strong-armed approach to maintaining order has been the only success people of this land have seen in living memory. Roving gangs of slavers, mercenary companies, and bandits populate the countryside outside of the Covenant settlements, preying upon travelers and vulnerable merchants. Further into the wilderness, the danger becomes exponentially worse, as legends tell of witches, monsters, fake creatures, vampires, demons. and worse. From Covenant-controlled Dawnslight in the Midlands, the training grounds for squires, knights, and paladins, to Haven, the smaller and younger village in the Pioneer North. Here, the village of Haven sits nestled up against the north side of a twisted bank of the Aurora, a great river that snakes its way south through the impenetrable fey darkwoods that loom above the village. Welcome.
Dylan: To Haven. So, Thea, it is Saturday night at the Chalice, the very busy inn in Haven, and it is packed full of people to see Synesthesia, the resident bard, you.
Dylan: They've all been hooting and hollering, they've been loving your set. You know, you're having a drink, the crowd is chanting along for you, and you're nearing the end of your set. Would you like to describe yourself?
Cap: The woman the crowd sees before them is a buxom, twilight-skinned tiefling. She's wearing little enough fabric that her dusting of deep purple freckles can be seen in the first few rows back. As she fusses with her loot, a few lucky patrons even catch a glimpse of the birthmark all the way up her inner thigh. She holds up a hand as she drinks from her mug. Her long, dark hair cascading down her back, with her throat and ample chest in full view. you. This is my last song of the night. I better see all of you getting into it. She laughs and winks at the crowd. Her striking golden eyes look out on the crowd as she takes a deep breath before letting her resonant voice fill the room. Thea leads them in a song they know well, the golden jewelry on her crescent horns catching the light and bouncing it on the walls. She dances her way across the stage, her long spade-tipped tail swaying in time with the music by the time the song's over she's sweating and near out of breath she chugs the last of her ale and with a satisfied sigh she throws the empty mug to the floor oh thank you and good night everyone tip your bartenders the.
Dylan: Crowd cheers and boos at the same time not wanting your set to end And many, if not all, who had a drink in their hand drank along with you, finished at the same time, and a lot of them smashed their mugs on the ground, which Mama Grizz is not very happy about. but you bring the money in so yeah the energy has reached a fever pitch as you uh go into the last song of the night and it's everybody's favorite uh very raunchy jaunty lock arms and swing your beers around type of song you can feel the the energy in the air and the uh almost taste the lust on these drunken fools as they're waiting for this song to be over and the party's just beginning for them. You finish out strong. You somehow end up with another mug of beer while you're performing and you threw it everywhere. Everybody's cheering, clapping, and hugging each other. And you make your way off stage. And where do you go from there? Head to the back room? Hide out for a little bit?
Cap: Yeah, she goes sort of back into the dressing room to change, decompress, and try to wait out Glenward unsuccessfully.
Dylan: Yeah, good luck with that. Well, while you're in the back room waiting, let's see what Asteris is up to. So, Asteris, you are on another night shift as a town guard. hard it's uh very cold and it's been cold for months and it's also raining it's been raining for months as well so you do this several nights a week right how many night how many nights a week would you say is in your uh your work schedule um.
Crit: I think like six but in rotating it's like six with two days off and then another six days on so it's not really a weekend so much Much as occasional very long rest.
Dylan: Right. And your shifts are like 12 to 18 hours. And so, yeah, you suit up and get ready for another shift. Keeping the streets safe in Haven. You always make sure to take the same route every time. Just so that you are able to be found just in case of emergency. Surgency, you know, they always know where the guard is and where the guard isn't.
Crit: That's right. Consistency is key. Yeah. With being a guard. Starting your patrol, would you like to describe yourself? Hell yeah. As Astris prepares for her patrol, she stands short yet muscular, a result of years of training. Her fixtures reveal her mixed human and elven heritage. Her pointed ears peek out from her bobbed hair. She's wearing a permanent magical chastity belt, and it's metallic, a skin-tight thong adorned with little filigrees. Over it, she dresses in lightweight linens, and instead of full armor, she wears a mix of leather and plate. Astris completes her kit with gloves, a knife, a buckler on her back, and a baton in hand. And she steals herself by taking a deep breath. And with that, Asteris is ready for patrol.
Dylan: Very nice. Yeah, you also stand out just in general, you know, as the makings of a knight and potential paladin at one point in your life had forged you into quite the athletic specimen. You aren't the tallest around, but you are quite strong. and pound for pound, probably the strongest in the barracks.
Crit: I'm flexing.
Dylan: That's right. So everybody knows when Asterix is on guard duty. That's a good feeling. As you are heading out of the barracks into the cold, windy rain, it's really hard to make out much aside from the rain. The streets are dead and deserted. The only commotion that you can hear is from blocks away, and you know it's coming from the chalice. um it's saturday night it's always a party going by your normal route usually heading that direction but yeah as you um as you approach uh the chalice you can see it the lights are all on and inside there's some torches that are still fluttering around under the overhang out front and you can just hear a wall of noise and it sounds like a crescendo of music as everything Everything's all just coming to a climax in the party. Yeah, it looks fun, looks warm.
Crit: Yeah, I'm definitely going to pop in, just make sure nobody gets too wild. Pop my head in. You know, I feel like this is probably normal for me.
Dylan: Um, yeah, you, you open the door right as the final chord of the final song is being played and everybody's rattling out the final. And, uh, as you walk in, you immediately get pulled into, uh, somebody locks arms with you and started screaming and, you know, spit coming out of their mouth and they're raising their chalice to you and uh smiling and everybody's kind of you know they're moving back and forth and you're without realizing just kind of uh moving back and forth with the crowd but you see um you see thea up on stage and uh she looks fantastic she has a huge smile on her face, there's um her skin is glistening with sweat but it just looks real good you know everything about her is this presentation you know she's just got it and she's up there and she finishes, a beer that she's got and she slams it on the ground and then she kind of disappears off the stage and into the crowd and seem to lose track of her unless you're trying to keep an eye on her but everybody's cheering and nobody's.
Crit: Like picking any pockets while like people are like you know cavorting right.
Dylan: Um yeah roll a perception check, Alright. Yeah, everybody's really distracted, which is the ideal time for you to keep an eye out. You know, first you check yourself, and then you look around. You don't see anybody pickpocketing, but you do see Thea. um she had gone out from she went around behind the bar and ducked behind mama grizz and uh went to one of the back doors through there and uh as the door is closing behind her you see somebody who is standing behind the door a short squat man with kind of a balding hairline it's just really thin hair on a sweaty man and he doesn't make the sweat look good um but he he doesn't look like Like he's partying. So as he's waiting and he's there wearing like a tweed suit and holding some assorted flowers that look like they weren't really a cut or anything. Just kind of pulled right up out of the ground. And yeah, he looks kind of nervous.
Crit: I want to go up to him.
Dylan: Okay.
Crit: Like, excuse me.
Dylan: All right. So you make your way through the crowd, which actually takes you a little.
Crit: Oh, okay. Like a minute.
Dylan: Um and you've got your eye on him yeah um where'd.
Crit: He get those fucking flowers.
Dylan: Um the second you notice him he notices you like he just like you both make eye contact and you just start walking through the crowd not breaking eye contact with him and he is well aware that you're approaching him he uh looks even more nervous starts looking back and forth and tries to like hide further in the corner and look smaller as you approach but you do approach oh.
Crit: This is great yeah.
Dylan: I want to look tall and big yeah he's pretending like he you know trying to act natural looking around looking at the floor anywhere but you uh hey excuse.
Crit: Me where'd you get those flowers.
Dylan: Um They're wildflowers. Wildflowers from the wilderness.
Crit: Are they?
Dylan: Yes. Where else would they grow?
Crit: What? You don't look like you could handle it out in the wilderness, buddy. No offense.
Dylan: What are you? Why? I've never. What is this? I have done no crime?
Crit: I don't know. You just don't strike me. Are his hands? What are his hands like?
Dylan: Well, they're clutched very tightly around these flowers, both hands.
Crit: Yeah.
Dylan: They are white knuckled around these flowers. He looks very uncomfortable, very intimidated.
Crit: I want to, I just want to, I want to do the classic like Sherlock Holmes, like, I want to look at his hand. Like, give me, give me those.
Dylan: All right, roll an inside check.
Crit: Seven.
Dylan: Seven. All right. You take a look at his hands. They're small and unappealing. Gross.
Crit: I regret it.
Dylan: He's trembling a little bit and he keeps looking at the door that uh thea went through and back to you and then to the front door and back to you uh very nervously um.
Crit: I want to hold my hand out like he ought to give me those flowers.
Dylan: He looks around even more nervously door front door you back and forth and um he uh opens his mouth to say something and then closes it again and he looks very frustrated and he takes the flowers and he hands them to you but he looks sort of like an angry child as if they were gonna like mime smash them into your hand but he just gives them to you yeah.
Crit: Great and then i want to point at the door like Like...
Dylan: Um, yeah, he, he's, once he handed you the flowers, he stopped looking at you and started walking out. So he's slowly making his way through the press of people. Yeah. And you do notice, uh, us, uh, a curious odor as he walks by of like, uh, celery maybe. Okay.
Crit: Okay, if he's out and, like, yeah, if he is, you know, probably busy, I have this confiscated materials. Mama Grizz, is Mama Grizz out?
Dylan: Yeah, she is still tending bar. She's doing less serving and more drinking at this point of the night.
Crit: And then I give them to Mama Grizz.
Dylan: She's leaning up against the bar, and out of the corner of her eye, She sees you standing there with the flowers presented before you.
Crit: I want to do a big gallant bow.
Dylan: Yeah, you're near the end of the bar on the side. And as you are gallantly bowing, Thea comes out of the back room, hits you in the behind.
Cap: Well, hey, there's sweetness.
Dylan: And let's have you roll a check here. See if you fall over.
Cap: I'm not that strong.
Dylan: Roll an athletic check.
Crit: You smacked my ass that hard?
Dylan: World Athletics or an Acrobatics check, because this came when you weren't expecting it. You were like doing a very nice bow and then somebody pushed you from behind.
Crit: 19.
Dylan: Okay. Yeah. So it hits you. And as it hits you, you just kind of stand up with it. And it doesn't, you know, as the door comes up, it just like stops right at your back. So you pull off the bow very, very nicely. But you are surprised that Thea is just suddenly behind you. Oh. What do you say, Thea?
Cap: Oh, is Glenn gone?
Crit: Yeah.
Cap: Oh, you got, really?
Crit: Yeah, he, um, I don't, I think he just stole these from somewhere, so.
Cap: Oh. Oh, yeah, he was holding those.
Crit: Does he do this a lot? I'm glad you put them.
Cap: Oh, uh, I mean, yeah, but he seems mostly harmless. I just kind of wait him out most times.
Crit: He needs a talking to.
Cap: Oh, and are you going to give it to him?
Dylan: Mama Grizz comes walking up, sauntering, really. and uh she's like oh my two favorite girls are those for me she looks at asteris yes ma'am mom grids purrs as she takes the flowers from you she looks you up and down smiles and walks away very sexily well.
Cap: You're making friends tonight.
Dylan: Well what else was i gonna.
Crit: Do with this.
Dylan: Stolen goods you.
Cap: Know you could have given him to me Can.
Dylan: I pull a flower out.
Crit: Of my belt like I saved it?
Cap: Roll for cool.
Crit: Roll for cool because I'm not negative.
Dylan: I'll let you roll a wisdom check at disadvantage.
Crit: Oh, I like that.
Dylan: And if you succeed, then I'll say that you had thought ahead.
Crit: Yeah, the truly gallant and wise think ahead for the maidens.
Cap: Oh, that's sweet of you, maidens.
Crit: Yeah that was 13.
Dylan: Okay yeah you succeed you like pulled one off saw mama grizz and then like held out the bouquet and then you got nearly bumped into and so you turned around and held it behind your back very smooth thea's.
Cap: Impressed she's never seen you be that smooth before well you're sending my heart all a flutter little one oh.
Crit: It's nothing really.
Cap: Oh it's something for sure.
Crit: Asher's is probably going to blush and not realize that she was flirting just now.
Cap: I'm going to take the flower and put it in my hair.
Crit: Okay, well, I'm going to go on patrol now.
Cap: Okay, stay dry out there. It's dripping wet.
Crit: I will stay safe, citizen.
Cap: Yes, sir.
Crit: All right. That turns her beet red.
Dylan: So you discovered something that makes Asteris blush.
Crit: Yeah. Excellent. Extremely.
Cap: Excellent.
Dylan: Asteris makes her way out of the bar.
Cap: Cool. I feel like Theo's probably wrapping up her night, maybe a beer to go, but she usually doesn't hang out too, too long after.
Dylan: Yeah you hang out for a little while probably chatting with mama grizz and some of the other staff having a shift drink and counting your money um yeah yeah after work uh you head out and you head down the main drag towards your place it's still raining it's not as crazy as it was earlier it's just a a steady drizzle but there is um some lightning uh off in the distance so So you're hurrying your way home. Could you roll a perception check for me?
Cap: Ooh, exciting. 12.
Dylan: 12?
Cap: Struggling with basic addition as always. Yes, 12.
Dylan: Okay. As you are turning corner up a little bit out of downtown, there's a flash of lightning up on the road out of town, and there's a little hill out there. And on the hill, you saw just the flash, the silhouette of a coyote up on the hill on the road. And it looked like it was looking right at you. And it was just for a moment. But something about seeing that coyote gave you a thrill, something very exciting about it. You know, it's just a wild animal. But that one made you very excited.
Cap: And it's such a cool setting up on the hill with the lightning. It's so spooky.
Dylan: And erotic and uh yeah i mean you don't slow down too much still raining but um you know another crack of lightning and you don't see it anymore you do make your way home you're walking up the final stretch there's a figure kind of huddled in darkness off to the left a little out of sight um.
Cap: Can she can she like how how um how tall or how big is the figure can she really make that out.
Dylan: Shorter than you.
Cap: Shorter than me, okay.
Dylan: But kind of huddled, you know, hard to tell in the rain.
Cap: She'll probably, like, sort of keep a distance and be like, show yourself.
Dylan: All right, so you just slow down at a good wide berth, and you say, show yourself. And the huddled, hunched figure starts to move and sort of creep towards you. Reaches out and pulls its hood back. it's that man glenn from the chalice and you see his uh his hair uh completely wet um and he's looking at you um expectantly uh maybe with some hope and uh what would pass for doe eyes i guess um but they're really watery and um he keeps approaching you and he's like Like, sin is Thea. And he reaches into his cloak and he starts to pull something out of it.
Cap: I'm going to stop you right there. Glenn, do not undress.
Dylan: Asterisk, you've been watching this the whole time.
Crit: Oh, shit.
Cap: My prospector.
Dylan: You made sure that Thea. was safe getting home tonight as you heard show yourself and you got you started to get ready yeah you see you see a man who took his hood back a little bit but you can't get a good good read on him but he's reaching into his robe right now what do you do.
Crit: Oh my god he's got a gun is it a gun I know.
Dylan: How far away am I draw um i'd say you're about 15 20 feet away in the alley uh across uh.
Crit: Yeah i want to get the fuck over there and like apprehend this uh hooligan are.
Dylan: You gonna like spear tackle him uh.
Crit: Yes i love that yes yeah just fully like it like it taking a bullet for the president all.
Dylan: Right let's everybody roll initiative this.
Crit: Is a freaking like she is a celebrity she's the only interesting thing in this town all.
Dylan: Right we're rolling initiative and you're getting a surprise round yes here you go.
Cap: Oh natural 20.
Dylan: Oh beautiful.
Cap: Plus 2. 22.
Crit: I rolled a 1.
Cap: Good thing you have surprise.
Dylan: You get the surprise round. Yeah, and just to make it clear, the only things that a 1 auto fails on in my games are saves.
Crit: All right. Yeah, so I'm going first, but last.
Dylan: All right, so you're going to be rolling a... So you're charging. Charging. All right, I'm going to add a little flavor because Bullrush used to have a lot of options. Now it just pushes somebody around, but I'm going to give you those options. It's going to be an opposed strength check, and you're going to be rolling your strength plus two because you're charging.
Cap: You are going to murder, Glenn.
Dylan: And if you succeed, you can...
Crit: Strength plus two?
Dylan: Yeah.
Crit: Okay.
Dylan: Plus whatever, yeah, your modifier.
Crit: So a dirty 20.
Dylan: Okay um now i'll roll mine and if you succeed uh then you can choose to push him uh five feet, in the direction in the opposite direction you're going or in the direction you're going um or knock him down like tackle him to the ground uh he didn't see you coming he didn't hear you coming it was too loud too dark and was the last thing he was expecting when he was pulling out a flower from inside of his robe uh not that you can see that um because you hit him like right around the back of his ribs um you know under his his armpit and his body kind of bows out as you uh run into him at a full 18 miles an hour with your shoulder digging into his ribs, and you hear a crunching noise as a lot of his body just gives under the immense forces of an elite guard in their armor, tackling to stop.
Crit: I want him on the ground.
Dylan: Okay. Yeah. He goes wherever you want him to, And you put him on the ground violently. So much so, and with such skill, that when you hit him, you didn't go down with him. You just kind of, the force of the impact stopped you. And you got to stand up very gracefully as he just smacks into the ground at a comic speed.
Crit: And I'm standing?
Dylan: Yeah, you're standing up facing Thea. Are you okay?
Cap: Oh, you're not, Glenn.
Crit: No, I.
Dylan: Yeah, Glenn was replaced by Asterix in the blink of an eye and a sickly crunch.
Cap: I feel like it takes the like a second to catch up on what the fuck just happened in front of her. So she's kind of like, oh, well, you're not Glenn. And then she looks over and she's like, oh, no, Glenn.
Dylan: Glenn yeah to put this into perspective you had a moment where you were afraid, and then you're like oh god it's glenn and then he's reaching in you know reaching to his you're like oh no he's gonna show me his penis yeah pretty much and then and then he's gone an asterisk is in front of you and it's this small little roller coaster of emotion but yeah as you you look down glenn is gasping for air and uh you know he's got his hand out kind of like a you know like hell hell but he seems pacified so.
Cap: She's gonna lean down to glenn and sort of be like glenn i told you not to wait around outside my house anymore, i'm gonna help you up but let this be a lesson don't do this again, i'll rummage around in my uh uh in my in my like music bag my my loot case and be like take this rub it on whatever hurts do not wait outside my house again.
Dylan: He um he thank you thank, you and he like kind of crawls away uh for most of it and starts to slowly get to his feet but But he's hunched over and heads off into the alleyway out of sight. Asterisk, that was a picture-perfect takedown. Yeah. Yeah.
Crit: Yeah, I'm just like mentally noting that one. Good job. Yeah. Are you okay?
Cap: I'm better than Glenn, I can say that much. This is not the first time that he has decided to camp out in front of my house. So, thank you. I don't think he'll be doing that again.
Crit: He really should see a healer, but that's his problem.
Cap: Yeah, that is his problem. I gave him a salve. It'll numb the pain. That's all I'm on the hook for.
Crit: And what was that? Was he showing you his penis?
Cap: Oh, well, I thought he was gonna, because he has before. But this was a flower.
Crit: Okay, he needs more than a talking to.
Dylan: Yeah, you guys, as you were talking, you're moving towards Thea's house because it's still kind of rainy. But you're like, you know, I thought it was a flower or it was a flower. You both laugh and look behind you and you can see it on the ground, completely stomped on and just destroyed.
Cap: Oh, that's so funny.
Dylan: And yeah, so Asterisk walks you the rest of the distance to your front door.
Cap: Well, thank you for seeing me home. I feel maybe the safest I have felt in a long time.
Crit: Good. I live to serve.
Cap: I gotta ask, though. Are you following me, sweetheart? heart no.
Crit: That's uh the same patrol i always do.
Cap: Uh-huh yeah you take care of yourself good night again and she sort of slips into her house.
Dylan: In the sexiest way possible shook yeah the door closes and um uh asterisk yeah you you go to walk away can i get um a perception check, seven and seven yeah uh as you leave to finish up the rest of your um guard duty shift you hear a crack of thunder and there's a flash of light obviously the lightning around you um but in the thunder you think you can hear a coyote laughing and that's where we'll end tonight, Hey.
Cap: Y'all. Thanks for listening to the first episode of our podcast. The next episode is out already, so you can click on over and listen right away. And if you enjoyed your time here, we'd love it if you could rate and subscribe wherever you're listening. And we'd extra love it if you brought a friend next time. See you at the end of the next episode.