Thea learns more about the gift she accepted. Astris stretches her new found sense of self in some life altering ways.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with increasingly adult themes and content as our story unfolds. So, if you're still here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So, without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Dylan:
[0:38] Yeah, you guys had a great time. It was fun. You partied with Millie and Drew, all them boys and girls at the chalice. But you made it home safely. You made it back to the barracks, Asteris, safely. And, uh, Asterix, you can sleep in cause you're generally working a later shift. Um, and Thea, you wake up whenever you please on any given day.
Cap:
[1:08] Damn straight.
Dylan:
[1:10] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:11] Yeah, I don't think I slept that well after having my first drugs. And I'm waking up kind of wondering if all that was real. But like, you know, my clothes probably smell really sooty.
Dylan:
[1:29] They smell really good.
Crit:
[1:31] No, I'm still in my, I probably went to bed in that dress.
Dylan:
[1:33] Yeah, you're in your dress. Okay, that's evidence. And you smell like Thea and you smell like Drusilla.
Crit:
[1:41] And used not that I mind the smell of the girls but yeah that's just like morning routine gotta wake up wash myself.
Dylan:
[1:53] Yeah so I mean there's always the river you know yeah.
Crit:
[1:58] I've got time before my patrol so like, Take a little walk. See who else is on a walk of shame. That's kind of fun.
Dylan:
[2:06] It's pretty quiet out. You could go out to the riverside. It's still dark, but you can see the low light.
Crit:
[2:16] Yeah, I think a river bath sounds really nice.
Dylan:
[2:19] The sun starts to rise. It gets a little lighter out, but you've already cleaned up in your normal twill, under armor type. We're going to flash forward a few hours. Thea, you're coming too. you're coming to earlier than you would normally because you've got kind of a pounding headache oh uh yeah you hit the shots harder than astris did i mean she was not really drinking at all she's was fine she didn't need any more but you and the other girls you guys you know you can do more and so you were doing more so you're you're a bit more hungover which sucks because you wanted to sleep for at least another three four hours oh we.
Cap:
[3:00] Did oh so we did.
Dylan:
[3:01] But you rented that fun from today and uh now you're paying for it you know it's just part of the life uh that.
Cap:
[3:10] Piper she'll probably you know drag her ass out of bed um rustle around down in the kitchen for the jar she keeps of willow bark so she can chew on that to maybe make some of this headache go away and probably making tea and being just finding the darkest corner she probably knows what it is this isn't her first hangover she's gonna go to the darkest corner of her house and avoid light for a while while she drinks her while she drinks her tea and contemplates what she's done.
Dylan:
[3:46] Yeah um yeah you're no stranger to a hangover and this one's not bad all considering good uh it started to get better once he got moving and by the time you found your little uh, hangover hole it started to subside but as you're processing uh the night i mean all you can do is smile and laugh it was really fun and it was a different kind of fun you know you go out and party all the time it's your job but this one was different you know you uh you may have started to make a friend uh in astra as it went from just teasing the the local guard to uh out doing fun things and showing somebody a good time. You know, you're so used to hanging out with people who are always out. It was new and exciting to have someone experience that for the first time.
Cap:
[4:33] Yeah, fun to sort of see it through your eyes, be like, oh, it's been so long since I was that green.
Dylan:
[4:40] Yeah. And yeah, you felt a connection, obviously, aside from the magical connection that was there that just got heightened by the pank. Yeah, there's an emotional connection, too. You guys get along. When you've drained your tea and you're done getting ready, I assume you go out front at some point maybe to pump some water.
Cap:
[5:08] Yeah. Yeah.
Dylan:
[5:09] While you're out front, you know, you're taking in the morning. It's still nice and the fog's getting burned off. You know, it's going to be another beautiful day. You see, once again, Gilthaniel. He's way out there. He's out. Looks like he was on a morning hunt.
Crit:
[5:27] Is he shirtless?
Dylan:
[5:29] Yeah, actually. He's shirtless and glistening.
Crit:
[5:34] Let's bake it into the reality.
Dylan:
[5:35] And he you know he's got this huge deer over his shoulders and it's pretty uh you know effortless looking for him he's just holding on to the legs and just sauntering up it seems like he noticed you from out there you know you're up on a hill you're the only one out yeah.
Cap:
[5:52] He's looking though he.
Dylan:
[5:53] Knows where.
Cap:
[5:54] That tub is.
Dylan:
[5:55] Yeah, Do you wave or anything or just, you know, like stand on the hill? Oh, for sure. You wave at him?
Cap:
[6:03] Yeah, she'll like kind of like wave him over with her finger, be like, we need to talk about something.
Dylan:
[6:11] He puts his hand up and he stops. And you see him kind of, you know, turns around and he starts talking to Bonejaw. And Bonejaw's like, you know, kind of can't really understand the mannerisms he's making. but he's just like talking to the dog and then he throws the carcass down next to the dog and points at it and he starts to walk away and the dog barks at him rolls his eyes and he goes over to the uh the carcass of the deer and he pulls off one of the antlers and then throws it out into the field and the dog goes running off and he comes walking up to you so yeah gil thaniel walks up it takes you know about a minute um yeah he's looking great and he's got his uh deep forest green linen uh pants that are like double fronted and he's got his leather boots on and he's got these uh fingerless gloves rod hands and big thick forearms and uh he looks like he he may have just chased that deer down himself and killed it with his bare hands for all you know Well, you know, he's up early. Yeah, he when he approaches, he doesn't have that bright smile that you saw that first time. His eyes didn't like light up. He smiles, but it's it's more reserved and polite. He says to you, good morning.
Cap:
[7:37] Hey, good morning. Can I get you some water, some tea or anything? I was wondering if I could talk to you for just a sec.
Dylan:
[7:48] Sure, I can take some water from your well here.
Cap:
[7:54] Yeah, for sure. So I'll get a mug and pump some water for him, and I'll give it to him.
Dylan:
[8:03] Thank you.
Cap:
[8:03] So last night with the fire, what did you, you pursued him, you ran off into the woods. Did you find anything?
Dylan:
[8:16] Well, I, uh, well, first I alerted the fire brigade, which is, uh, well, all the people on fire brigade were pretty in their cups. So they had to get some well-meaning citizens to volunteer. And we spent most of the night putting that fire out, uh, or at least keeping it from spreading. It eventually did burn down. Uh, you know, I wouldn't go over there now. Now there's still hot ash and coal. But I believe the two intruders and perhaps the arsonists that were found at the scene were responsible. We don't really have any evidence to believe there's more than those two.
Cap:
[9:00] Well, that's good anyway. God, I feel like you did more than the guard even, except Astris, obviously. She saved my butt last night. night that man with the club he was horrifying she destroyed him it was amazing she.
Dylan:
[9:15] Did some very skilled work i'd say she sure did good to bring along on a hunt do some field dressing and you're both unharmed you're all right yeah.
Cap:
[9:28] I'm fine i'm fine i uh i was glad to see you coming up that hill i will say.
Dylan:
[9:33] Yes i i need to apologize for uh bone jaw he's very sensitive to the people in the north you're you're the crown of flowers you wear, this yeah yes i, are you not aware what it is or where it comes from no.
Cap:
[9:57] I found it it was on a dead rabbit yesterday morning that was outside my door it seemed like a waste so i i put it on my horn and i'm uh i i didn't know it was a thing it didn't seem normal but it didn't seem weird.
Dylan:
[10:15] It it wasn't given to you by any thing no.
Cap:
[10:20] I it may have been given and left i didn't see anyone leave anything.
Dylan:
[10:25] Honestly assumed.
Cap:
[10:28] It might have been glenn.
Dylan:
[10:29] No this is far more symbolic than that man is capable of uh that's fair well i can look into it but i'm almost certain i i already know uh this is a gift from the fey folk in the north uh usually ferried by a favored animal or a friend of the the fey that crossed between worlds it is a it is not only a gift but uh an agreement uh what uh yeah accepting the gift from the the fey folk can be tricky and it seems that you have oh.
Cap:
[11:22] Oh, have I done something stupid, Gilt?
Dylan:
[11:26] Well, I wouldn't say stupid. Uninformed, perhaps.
Cap:
[11:31] You sure was.
Dylan:
[11:33] Yes, to those who haven't been raised around here, they don't teach the rules this close to the forest at your church.
Cap:
[11:43] I doubt the church wants to acknowledge they exist.
Dylan:
[11:46] There are laws of the land that locals know of and follow. Certain things you do not eat, certain gifts you do not accept unless you know that you want the full responsibility attached. Sometimes these things can be undone if fully a true misunderstanding, but you would have to investigate into the forest yourself. Oh, okay.
Cap:
[12:13] Wow. I don't know what even to think. I just thought there were flowers and now I've made choices that I didn't know. Does everyone in town know what I did?
Dylan:
[12:28] No, not necessarily. I'd say, you know, Drusilla, certainly a fair couple of the hunters may know, but it's not something you speak of. It's not necessarily a bad thing. These many, many, many of the folk here do trade and bargain with the fae folk. You know, there are friendly ones and there are unfriendly ones, just like you and I.
Cap:
[12:57] That's fair.
Dylan:
[12:57] But it seems you have an admirer.
Cap:
[12:59] Uh, I guess I'm flattered. I wish they would talk to me if they're an admirer.
Dylan:
[13:08] Oh, they are.
Cap:
[13:10] Oh.
Dylan:
[13:11] It's learning how to listen. Here, roll an insight check.
Cap:
[13:17] Okay. 17.
Dylan:
[13:21] He seems like he's being pretty forthcoming. There's also obviously a lot that he knows that he's not saying. Not that he's hiding anything from you. It's just a very broad subject, you would think. He looks concerned. A little crestfallen.
Cap:
[13:40] Oh, no.
Dylan:
[13:42] You know. And you kind of put together that, you know, No, he's feeling mostly sad and disappointed because now he can't pursue you.
Crit:
[13:52] Oh.
Cap:
[13:54] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So you said that there's good and bad ones. You seem to be talking about them like I should be more wary than excited. Should I be?
Dylan:
[14:11] As I said, it's tricky with them. So it is concerning. but mostly because you are no disrespect my lady ignorant.
Cap:
[14:21] You know what you call it like you see it and i am genuinely i did not know these things if i had i may have thought um before putting it on um well i i certainly have a lot to ponder on i am and.
Dylan:
[14:42] You're sure nothing gave this to you.
Cap:
[14:46] Okay, so there have been some strange things, but given what you've just told me, I am afraid to tell you because I am afraid that... You might get hurt or something if I do.
Dylan:
[15:05] Oh, I appreciate that. I only ask because there are certain rules to gift-giving. You know, a courier must be seen.
Cap:
[15:16] If it's what I'm thinking it is, then I have been seeing a messenger for a while now.
Dylan:
[15:26] Oh?
Cap:
[15:27] I didn't think it was that weird. You certainly didn't think it was this.
Dylan:
[15:33] Do you mind telling me what this messenger looked like?
Cap:
[15:36] I'm going to whisper. So I'll get up on like tippy toe and I'll be like, Don't tell anyone, but there's been a coyote.
Dylan:
[15:50] He looks back at you and he says, Well, that's not going to help us too much. that is more of a sign that somebody didn't want you to know exactly who was giving you a gift. The coyotes are known for their trickery. So that's more of a, you seem to have a secret admirer.
Cap:
[16:10] I don't know if that is more or less comforting.
Dylan:
[16:16] It's troubling.
Cap:
[16:18] Great.
Dylan:
[16:21] You should look into this. Um, I can offer some assistance. There's, you know, if you have any questions or perhaps need a guide to someplace in the forest, uh, or, you know, a trail that's safer, uh, let me know. I'll be here for the next, at least half moon.
Cap:
[16:44] Okay. I really appreciate that. I will do my best to keep you out of this and shield you as much as possible, because I'm now extra worried that something bad might happen. um but i i will i will heed your words and if i if i need if i need you i i will find you.
Dylan:
[17:16] I appreciate that thank you very much i'm sorry to give you such heavy news so early in the morning.
Cap:
[17:22] Well um uh i'm just glad you were straight with me of.
Dylan:
[17:26] Course uh if you'll excuse me i need to go take this killing.
Cap:
[17:31] Of course of course uh thanks i'll uh i'll see you around.
Dylan:
[17:38] He bows and walks back out. Well, Thea figures out exactly how she's going to confront Drusilla.
Cap:
[17:50] Loudly and with much pointing.
Crit:
[17:52] Astros is doing pull-ups and push-ups and hot girl shit.
Dylan:
[17:59] Yeah, I mean, just even in the river, too, you can just be in the river holding a plank of wood against the current and pushing it over and over again. wet hot girl shit yeah and since you're only wearing those like cottons you know you're coming out there looking wet hot girl yeah so you've um finished up training um you are coming out of the river so what's your next stop.
Crit:
[18:28] Yeah i mean i think it's probably like eat something before my guard shift my long ass guard shift i'm like kind of curious about thea to be honest yeah yeah just stop.
Cap:
[18:42] Thinking about me.
Crit:
[18:43] I just want to make sure that she's okay yeah that she's still home safe is she feeling all right after last night because um she also took a drug and you never know so yeah i might just swing by on my way to the food place sure it's totally out.
Dylan:
[19:05] Of the way but yeah swing.
Crit:
[19:06] By yeah i'm just out of the way It's on my way in this large V-shaped path that I wanted to go.
Dylan:
[19:15] Yeah, you make your way up to Thea's place up on the hill. Yeah, you think she's in there because you're seeing smoke coming out of the stack. Yeah. Thea, do you generally hang outside when it's beautiful in the morning, or do you hang inside and drink your tea and...
Cap:
[19:33] I feel like if it's super gorge, we're outside, especially since she's she's real happy winter's over because she is a warm weather creature. So she's going to be soaking up as much as like a lizard is going to be sucking up as much of that sun and good weather as possible.
Dylan:
[19:47] Well, it's still chilly, but it is.
Cap:
[19:51] With a sweater.
Dylan:
[19:52] But yeah, there is the sunlight. So yeah. Yeah. So you're out front. I don't know if you've got like a hammock or something like that.
Cap:
[19:59] I do now. You've got a hammock.
Dylan:
[20:01] Okay. You've got a really nice hammock. Yeah. You see, or Asterisk, you see Thea out in her hammock, just getting, just basking in the sunlight. You know, she's got her arms above her head. You know, she's spread out as much as she can to get as much sunlight as she can on her body.
Crit:
[20:19] I should make sure she's not dehydrated.
Dylan:
[20:21] Yeah. So you're not sneaking up or anything?
Crit:
[20:26] No.
Dylan:
[20:27] All right. So, yeah, Thea, you hear somebody coming up the path. You look over and you see that it's Asteris coming up. And Asteris, what are you wearing now? You're not in your, like, soaked wet white linens, right?
Crit:
[20:39] Because I was just in the river. I don't really have a choice. I hope they've dried some by now.
Dylan:
[20:45] All right. Yeah. So the thing is about this is that like.
Crit:
[20:49] Fantasy workout clothes.
Dylan:
[20:50] So yeah, you're wearing fantasy workout clothes that were really sopping wet. And then as you walked, like dried out and got tighter on you. And it's kind of like a wet t-shirt contest deal going on. But you're wearing like long sleeves. It's like you're wearing a onesie, but it's like skin tight. and see-through you're obliviously hot.
Cap:
[21:15] Hot girl shit that.
Dylan:
[21:17] That's what you're wearing um and thea what are you what are you wearing.
Cap:
[21:20] I'm wearing just a sort of loose fitting sort of like um like a like a like a comfy cotton like maxi sort of dress and she has like a shawl on sort of over her shoulders um i think it's maybe shorter sleeved um she probably has the skirts hiked up like a a little bit up past her knees so that her legs can get some sun. But she's just chill and comfy style. Hot comfy style, but comfy style.
Dylan:
[21:50] Not sunning your butthole or anything?
Cap:
[21:52] No, not actively.
Dylan:
[21:54] Okay.
Cap:
[21:54] There's a very particular corner of the yard for sunning the butthole.
Dylan:
[21:58] And it's only at sunrise.
Cap:
[21:59] Exactly, where the sunlight is the strongest. You've got to concentrate that into the hole.
Dylan:
[22:04] Where the sun don't shine? Exactly. Not in the morning. Not if it's up to me.
Crit:
[22:10] Sunny dune shine.
Cap:
[22:11] Yeah.
Dylan:
[22:12] All right. So, yeah, that's what you see. She's got her dress kind of hiked up over her thighs a little bit and looking great.
Crit:
[22:18] Hello.
Cap:
[22:20] Oh.
Crit:
[22:21] How are you feeling this morning? I'm feeling good.
Cap:
[22:24] I'm going to be real with you. I feel like I've been awake for several days already. It's been a doozy of a morning.
Crit:
[22:33] I feel great.
Cap:
[22:35] How?
Crit:
[22:37] You know how you feel after a workout?
Cap:
[22:41] No.
Crit:
[22:41] Where you're tired, but it's like really good.
Cap:
[22:44] Oh, like a show. Okay, yeah.
Crit:
[22:46] Yeah, I just feel really good.
Cap:
[22:48] Oh, you feel like that? Maybe I needed that.
Crit:
[22:50] Yeah.
Cap:
[22:50] Well, I mean, you should come out with us more because that was really fun.
Crit:
[22:56] You don't do that every spring, do you? That's, wow. That's cool.
Cap:
[23:02] Oh. No, no, no. We do it more than just spring.
Crit:
[23:09] Whoa.
Cap:
[23:10] Fall, too.
Crit:
[23:12] Cool. All right. Yeah, I bet I could do that again for fall. Yeah. I'm down.
Cap:
[23:20] Yeah, for sure. I mean, like, you know, we'll just we'll play it by ear. We'll see what happens, right? We'll figure it out. That was so fun, though, right? Yeah, I had such a good time. You were such a good dancer. I didn't know. I mean, it kind of makes sense because like.
Crit:
[23:33] Yeah, I guess I didn't know either.
Cap:
[23:37] I mean, like, you know, you backhanded a few people in the process. But like, honestly, if you see someone windmilling and you walk into them, that's their fault.
Crit:
[23:44] Yeah you know you're in my um zone of control so it's on you actually yeah well i'm really glad to see you're not um feeling too you know i was worried you you were laying out in the sun because you didn't drink any water or something i don't know do you want to get a drink.
Cap:
[24:00] Of water right now like yeah and like food.
Crit:
[24:04] Too i guess but like um if you're dehydrated or like thirsty.
Cap:
[24:09] Oh i'm i'm probably pretty dehydrated yeah i'm really dehydrated i just.
Crit:
[24:13] Worked out a lot um.
Cap:
[24:15] I can i can tell this is not your usual get up you're i didn't hear your loud ringing steps approaching like I normally do. You were very stealthy this time.
Crit:
[24:28] Oh, thanks for not noticing.
Dylan:
[24:34] Lee Carpenter has a Riverside Cafe. It's a nicer place, you know. You'll get some good local eggs and whatever the hunt brought in this morning. You actually know what that is. You saw it. Yep. Yeah. And yeah, and the food quality kind of depends on who hunted it. Yeah. So you let Asterisk know that, you know, that Gilt caught the breakfast today.
Cap:
[25:02] Yeah, we should definitely go to that place down by the river. I saw Gilt this morning and he caught a very nice deer. So I bet breakfast is going to be fantastic this morning.
Crit:
[25:15] Oh, you saw Gilt. Lucky you.
Cap:
[25:18] Yeah. Yeah. It sure was. I asked him about the thing last night. You know, the thing. And he seems to think it's all wrapped up. So I think I think we did good. And he agrees that you're awesome.
Crit:
[25:34] Oh, fantastic. So we don't need to drag the bodies out of town or eat. That's all.
Cap:
[25:40] Oh, I wasn't I wasn't going to do that shit to begin with.
Crit:
[25:43] Right you wouldn't but i i suppose sometimes sometimes they get left there and it's bad do.
Cap:
[25:50] You like have co-workers.
Crit:
[25:54] It really depends. It really depends.
Cap:
[25:57] Wow. Wow. All right. That's dumb. All right. Let's go get food.
Crit:
[26:02] Fuck them.
Cap:
[26:03] Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck the bodies. Let's go drink and eat. You know, water. We'll drink water.
Crit:
[26:07] Yes.
Cap:
[26:08] Because we're dehydrated.
Crit:
[26:09] That's right. I'm taking care of you.
Cap:
[26:12] You take such good care of me.
Crit:
[26:15] Hey, you didn't say when my shift ended for guarding you. So, um.
Cap:
[26:20] You know what? I guess you are technically still in my employ, aren't you?
Crit:
[26:25] That's right, boss.
Cap:
[26:26] Lead the way.
Crit:
[26:28] Yes, ma'am.
Dylan:
[26:29] So you guys are heading down to Lee's Riverside, giggling, having a merry time.
Crit:
[26:38] Way more than Asteris has ever giggled.
Dylan:
[26:40] Yeah, you guys make it down there. Everybody who's here for an early breakfast is already gone. and brunch doesn't exactly exist here because there aren't a bunch of not enough people like thea in society to warrant brunch as a cultural thing i'm.
Cap:
[26:56] Sorry they don't have mimosas they.
Crit:
[26:58] Haven't been invented yet.
Dylan:
[26:59] Oranges i don't know that's.
Cap:
[27:02] So sad this is a sad place oh no.
Dylan:
[27:05] Yeah i mean it's a treat today because if if uh the hunt doesn't bring a kill in it's fish and you eat a lot of fish here so.
Cap:
[27:14] Much fish i'm so tired of fish.
Dylan:
[27:16] Yeah so having venison is like okay awesome yeah and uh you get seeded you make your orders so.
Cap:
[27:23] She's gonna find like greasy food and water there's no there's no gatorade in this world so i really don't know.
Dylan:
[27:29] What else yeah you have pedialyte oh.
Cap:
[27:33] Do you have help i need electrolytes.
Dylan:
[27:35] Yeah so they bring you a carafe of water um Um, and, uh, yeah, they bring your food out to you and it's potatoes and, uh, onions, a lot of like root and ground, uh, hearty stuff and, uh. medallions of venison sounds good as fuck honestly absolutely.
Cap:
[27:58] And all this is on me don't you worry about it oh.
Crit:
[28:02] Thank you wow delicious hell yeah.
Cap:
[28:06] Gotta keep my bodyguard fed.
Dylan:
[28:08] Yeah all right so you guys enjoyed this meal um um the day just keeps getting more beautiful though wow you know yeah.
Crit:
[28:17] Yeah i feel like prior to like yesterday really um asterisk was kind of like a day in day out guard type of like almost like an npc you know what i mean but now she's like awakened.
Dylan:
[28:36] Yeah she's like actualized saving thea psychedelics will do I've.
Crit:
[28:41] Never said this before But I think I'm not I think I'm gonna skip my patrol today.
Cap:
[28:49] No I don't.
Crit:
[28:52] Think anyone would notice.
Cap:
[28:54] Oh my god do it Do it do it do it do it do it Fuck Jace if he has a problem I'll kick his ass You'll kick his ass for me I'll charm him before he gets to that point Or something.
Crit:
[29:06] Like I don't know Alright.
Cap:
[29:09] I'm gonna do it.
Crit:
[29:10] I'm gonna do it i.
Cap:
[29:11] Like i like this i like this side of you kick ass let's let's.
Crit:
[29:18] Do a drug and kill somebody.
Dylan:
[29:19] You guys laugh and clink your water glasses together to.
Cap:
[29:27] Drugs and murder i.
Crit:
[29:28] Said that way too loud.
Dylan:
[29:29] Drugs and murder and um you know you guys get some looks but right when you uh clink your glass and laugh and say to drugs and murder um uh asterisk you you get kind of that magical feeling it just kind of strikes through you like uh like lightning real quick but it's just like whoa just a little jolt and it uh it was a little bit different it was more forceful it was more aggressive uh and it it's more like a slap on the ass or something um but it just shot up your spine and you're like, whoa, Thea, you did not feel that.
Crit:
[30:11] Have I felt that before, ever?
Dylan:
[30:13] Not that, no. No. You felt...
Cap:
[30:15] Was it similar with the water at all?
Dylan:
[30:17] In a way, yeah. Okay. But the water, like when you did it, you both felt it, and it was a connection. It was, you know, akin to lovemaking in a way, where it's that emotional, physical, magical connection. connection yeah and this one it was it was more like a uh dominant force it felt good it felt um like a flash of like uh empowerment a little bit oh.
Crit:
[30:49] Like i felt empowered.
Dylan:
[30:50] Yeah i.
Crit:
[30:51] Felt dominant wow all right so i i look at thea and i go so what are we doing today.
Cap:
[30:57] Um well i i need to go see a cell would you like to come but.
Crit:
[31:06] Yes i would.
Cap:
[31:08] Fantastic um so once we're once we're finished i'll pick up the check and tip adequately and slightly over.
Dylan:
[31:21] Okay um yeah they're always very appreciative of you you're like probably the only person who tips yeah you guys leave and uh head on out over towards sills place and yeah as you're walking up you get this picturesque view of drusilla's place it's that tree that petrified into this giant stone that has their front door on it and everything it's a hefty breast-shaped knockers on the front and yeah as you guys both go up you both reach up at the same time, and it just kind of touch yeah your fingers got like your pinkies touch you know each each on one breast intimate uh yeah you guys look at each other and then you both, Knock on the door. And yeah, a few moments, the door opens and Drusilla's there. She's looking fantastic. She's wearing, it looks like a very silky dress, very flowy and drapey with sort of fall colors. Doesn't really match the season, but Drusilla does whatever the hell she wants.
Dylan:
[32:30] She opens the door and she smiles broadly in that wolfish grin in uh when she looks at you asterisk takes in um thea opens her arms and goes in for a hug and a kiss and she's like oh how marvelous to see you two you survived last night and yeah you know you get your full uh frisking from her when she's giving you the hug she goes a bit easier on asterisk again but a lot more than the first time yeah.
Crit:
[32:58] This isn't like pulling away as much.
Dylan:
[33:00] Right yeah that's why she yeah she really liked that you didn't pull away at all so So she went in for more. So, yeah, she scoots you guys in, closes the door behind her and brings you in and sits you down and puts some cups down, pours some tea that she just has, and said, please, what can I do for you?
Cap:
[33:23] So I had an illuminating talk this morning. I have some questions. Questions, and I don't know if, I don't know, I am confused by what I have been told. You, you know what's on my horn, yes?
Dylan:
[33:44] Oh, yes. I was delighted to see it.
Cap:
[33:47] What is, what does it mean? I was, what, what is it? What have I done? What have I said yes to?
Dylan:
[33:55] Oh, honey, you don't know?
Cap:
[33:58] No. I have no idea.
Dylan:
[34:01] Oh, dear.
Cap:
[34:02] Guilt had to tell me that this morning. Do you know how fucking embarrassing that was?
Dylan:
[34:06] Oh, she laughs. Kind of a belly laugh, but hiding it a bit. And like turns her face. And she's like.
Crit:
[34:15] She just puts her hand on Thea's knee. Like, are you okay?
Cap:
[34:19] It's been a hell of a morning, babe.
Dylan:
[34:21] And Drusilla turns back. She's like, I apologize, dear. I just, he must have been crushed. I know he was really interested in you. Poor, poor Guild. Yeah, she sticks her lip out very condescendingly. She's like, although it probably would have been a fun ride. No longer. So I do have a question, dear. I can illuminate you a bit on this subject. But would you like it to be illuminated in front of our dear Astrid? I must ask, because it is quite a personal matter.
Cap:
[35:06] That is fair. That's fair. I mean, Astrid, do you feel comfortable being privy to this shit? This is, you know, off-the-record shit.
Crit:
[35:19] I don't mind, but I don't mind leaving if you feel implicated from a legal standpoint.
Cap:
[35:26] Point oh no that's fine.
Dylan:
[35:29] Speaking of which why aren't you at work i've.
Crit:
[35:31] Had some feelings change about that i'm i'm playing hooky today.
Cap:
[35:37] She is she's playing hooky today.
Crit:
[35:41] And it was my idea i'm so.
Dylan:
[35:43] Proud wolf-like smile gets even broader and toothier uh pleased uh much more than you've ever seen this one looks like a very genuine please smile of hers she she puts her hand on yours and uh winks and calls you a little vixen and uh says well okay as long as everyone's okay with this um, She puts her hand out and she says, let's have it. And she looks at the crown of flowers.
Cap:
[36:19] Okay, cool. I can take it off. After he said that, I wasn't sure if that would get me in trouble. So she sort of snakes it off her horn and sets it in Syl's hand.
Dylan:
[36:31] She says, the reason why I didn't say anything was because it's not done. You don't go asking or outing anybody when they're wearing something like that. I mean, please, dear, look. And she pulls her dress open to reveal a breast, and it's got a briar thorn through one of her nipples as a piercing. And she puts it away.
Crit:
[36:52] So hot.
Dylan:
[36:53] And she's like, these dealings are very personal and private, and no one need ask.
Cap:
[36:59] I didn't know that it was a common practice.
Dylan:
[37:03] And if anybody were to judge you, they're lost. You see, there's ancient and powerful techniques, ancient and powerful knowledge that's kept only by the fey folk. And dealing with them, sure, it's a little different, but much more rewarding.
Cap:
[37:23] Interesting. And I seem to have caught the eye of a secret one. hmm i've been seeing a coyote around that kinda seems like it's looking at me.
Dylan:
[37:45] Mm, yes.
Cap:
[37:46] In, like, not the most normal way, but, like, not, I don't know. I was just like, it's a weird coyote, I guess.
Dylan:
[37:56] Yeah, that is definitely the mark of a secret admirer. But not just any secret admirer. This would be one of the higher attending members of the court.
Cap:
[38:08] What?
Dylan:
[38:09] Yes, the coyotes want just fairy messages around or gifts even, especially gifts for just anyone. Was it just the gift that he left?
Cap:
[38:20] Yeah, so there's just the flower crown and it was on a dead rabbit.
Dylan:
[38:25] Well, that makes the gift much more significant.
Cap:
[38:29] What? Why?
Dylan:
[38:31] Well, it's a bit hard to say, but it's all very metaphorical. metaphorical if you look at something like a a rabbit you know look at the the speed at which it's it runs and how hard it is to catch look at the crown of flowers that was placed upon the rabbit a royal gesture symbol perhaps tied together with the kill the you know it's an offering um you know, perhaps a message of you will be caught. It could be many things, but it is more significant the more layers are attached, you see.
Cap:
[39:11] Would it be relevant to say that sometimes when I do little bits of magic here and there, it feels like real good? and like sometimes there's it's not it's not like a voice it's like it's more like a a compulsion that kind of started i i don't know i thought maybe it was just kind of in my head but, i don't know putting putting all this together i that never happened to me really before or before I came to Haven. And even then, it's only been happening for the last few months, a year maybe, tops.
Dylan:
[39:58] Well, it seems that you have some sort of magical spark, my dear sugar horns. And it would do best for you to obscure this from the covenant of purity. As you know, their traditions and superstitions are quite backward, and they can be quite relentless in their pursuits. Most, if not all, of the covenant of purity in town have ever seen magic or understand what it is. Wear your mask, but know that you are very, very fortunate and very, very rare, and it is likely why you were chosen.
Cap:
[40:41] I don't know what to think. do i do next if i if i continue to to wear the flowers will be like you you knew what they were how many other people knew what they were like is should i was wearing them out in public so brazenly a mistake did i tell on myself without meaning to well dear i'm not sure if.
Dylan:
[41:09] I'm the the right one to ask about this because many people judge how i dress.
Cap:
[41:15] So fabulously if.
Dylan:
[41:18] That's how you believe i look then that's how i believe you look.
Cap:
[41:21] But it.
Dylan:
[41:24] Can be brazen it's akin to perhaps wearing a collar or something that marks you uh for your lover.
Cap:
[41:32] That that would explain guilt's face she.
Dylan:
[41:40] Can't help but laugh more about that you know just how much she loves the pain and misery of men.
Cap:
[41:49] So cruel so so what girl what should i do like i'm i i i'm not not interested because this is by far the most interesting thing oh yeah no this is the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me so how how do how do i proceed i seem to have indicated that i have accepted the gift i.
Crit:
[42:19] Think i have a clue that's related.
Cap:
[42:21] Oh lay it on me i.
Crit:
[42:25] Saw the magistrate sucking a magical implement what if what if that's the same magic what if that's a sign too.
Cap:
[42:39] Yo that that the that the magistrate you said was sucking in his mouth yes let's just.
Dylan:
[42:47] Roll this back a little bit um what.
Cap:
[42:51] Was the magistrate.
Dylan:
[42:52] Up to and what was this thing attached to.
Cap:
[42:55] Sips tea i've.
Crit:
[42:57] I've not seen a lot of human men undressed but.
Dylan:
[43:03] Drusilla is inching closer and closer with just raised up to her mouth it.
Cap:
[43:11] Seems like.
Crit:
[43:12] The member of a man being wielded by a woman, attached to her through some artificial method on the outside giving her some means of penetration it i didn't understand what i saw but this is it must be related it must be related to what you're going through i don't see any other way around it.
Dylan:
[43:36] So drusilla looks positively euphoric like her eyes are a bit rolled back in her head here um i've.
Crit:
[43:45] Busted this thing wide open you cracked it.
Dylan:
[43:48] She is smiling and she set her tea down and she put her her uh face in her hands both of them with their elbows on the table and she's just looking at you like with starry eyes and she's like please go on are there any more details you could tell me about this encounter counter who is the woman i.
Crit:
[44:12] Reckon the the the implement was uh about as long as my longer dagger and the way she wielded it was really quite like the thrust thrusting it was and i'd like i replicate their maneuver but from the hip you see.
Dylan:
[44:28] Right okay so really.
Cap:
[44:30] I can pretend to be the a magistrate if you want right.
Dylan:
[44:33] So you guys uh you go ahead and describe like drusilla will not let you leave until she's having you acted out like where was he oh he was on his knees okay like this and she's moving the two of you around to try to get this scene just set up right and.
Crit:
[44:52] Ashtress is treating it like a crime scene.
Dylan:
[44:54] Right this.
Crit:
[44:55] Is very serious having a blast.
Dylan:
[44:57] Yeah and Drusilla is like every once in a while like clapping and just like yes um, And so she gets all of the details out of you, and you're all sitting back at the table. And she says, you know, it is possible that that implement is magical, much like your cage that they have attached to you is magical.
Crit:
[45:24] My belt? My chastity belt?
Dylan:
[45:27] Yes. The prison they put upon you.
Crit:
[45:30] This is the vow that I took.
Cap:
[45:32] You took a vow to wear a chastity thong?
Crit:
[45:35] Well, not that they didn't call it that, but...
Cap:
[45:37] I mean, it's what it looks like.
Crit:
[45:42] Really? You think so?
Cap:
[45:44] Oh, yeah. I mean, like, you could, you know, show us if you want me to double check, but I'm pretty sure.
Dylan:
[45:49] Yes, please show us.
Crit:
[45:51] I mean, you've seen it already. I'm, like, lifting up my...
Dylan:
[45:53] Well, just to, you know, I need a refresher here. So they kind of, like, she gets up and, you know, they're both fussing with you and they're like, yes, a thong. Do you know what that is? um.
Crit:
[46:03] Well is it like a yoke.
Dylan:
[46:06] Undergarments sweetheart and then like she she lifts up um uh thea's skirt like this and like smacks her ass like do you see that's a thong yeah.
Cap:
[46:19] You have that without the tail.
Crit:
[46:21] Oh i guess i guess it is quite similar and and yours doesn't remove as well Oh no.
Cap:
[46:30] Oh no, these come off Yeah.
Dylan:
[46:32] Just clasp right above the tail Oh Yeah, Esmeralda makes them She's a wizard.
Cap:
[46:38] I love her Well.
Crit:
[46:39] That'd be nice But I mean, I made a promise I, that's That's just how it is To who? Well, the Covenant To, like, I guess all the gods All of them Yeah.
Cap:
[46:54] But like, they're dead, right?
Dylan:
[46:56] Long gone.
Crit:
[46:58] Yeah, but, you know, it's a covenant.
Dylan:
[47:02] You don't break it.
Cap:
[47:03] Otherwise, it's not pure.
Dylan:
[47:05] And have they held up their end of the bargain?
Crit:
[47:08] Well, they promised that they would banish me to Haven for what I did. So, yeah, that's still happening.
Cap:
[47:22] I mean, it's magic.
Crit:
[47:24] There's nothing you can do.
Cap:
[47:25] Do i you know what for now maybe but i think i think i think we can get that off you if you want to like i'm just i'm not gonna like i'm gonna pry it off you but if you want that off i there's enough interest that i think we could get it off all.
Dylan:
[47:40] You do all you would need is ask dear but.
Crit:
[47:43] They would know.
Cap:
[47:44] Would they how.
Dylan:
[47:46] Often have they checked.
Crit:
[47:47] I mean they haven't checked since they left me here it's been been.
Dylan:
[47:53] A few years now they've.
Crit:
[47:54] Got to come back for me eventually.
Dylan:
[47:56] And do you think that if they came to check and it wasn't there that you would get punished somehow maybe demoted.
Cap:
[48:02] When they do leave you here more probably yeah yeah welcome but that's where this is where you.
Dylan:
[48:12] Would be anyway they're not coming back to make you a paladin dear.
Crit:
[48:16] They told you that one step at a time i this is what they're saying when it's a slippery slope i.
Cap:
[48:22] Prayed hooky.
Crit:
[48:22] Today and now you're literally.
Cap:
[48:25] God yes asking.
Crit:
[48:28] Me to break my vows.
Cap:
[48:29] Oh i mean we're not asking we're just you know suggesting lightly it's a possibility just something to think about all.
Crit:
[48:37] Right well i i.
Cap:
[48:38] Have a lot to think about.
Dylan:
[48:41] Yes, dear, no pressure at all. We're just talking.
Cap:
[48:45] You know, casually, friendly.
Crit:
[48:48] You don't think that's part of the case, do you?
Cap:
[48:52] You know what? Magical implements.
Dylan:
[48:56] I believe it is, and it's something you should look into. I think we should. Where do these magical items come from, and perhaps how they work?
Cap:
[49:06] Yeah. Might crack it wide open.
Crit:
[49:10] I'll chew on this smart and pretty.
Dylan:
[49:13] Guys, alright well I hate to rush you but I do have things to attend to and many things to work on please come by anytime if you have questions or further concerns with this um, Thea you're gonna be just fine um it's romantic really especially considering your origins and then she kisses you on the cheek both of you and then Shoos you out and closes the door Did.
Cap:
[49:41] You just call me a trash baby?
Crit:
[49:44] Yeah, what?
Cap:
[49:49] Especially considering that you fucking are gross.
Dylan:
[49:53] Wow I think.
Cap:
[49:54] She meant Dirty, dirty orphan bitch I.
Dylan:
[49:57] Think she was more talking about The two of you are tiefling True.
Crit:
[50:02] Very true Man, the hunted rabbit All that You know, it just makes me afraid for your safety. I think you're going to need protection for a little bit longer until we get this figured out.
Cap:
[50:16] I think I'm right. I think, yeah, I think I should keep you solidly in my employ.
Crit:
[50:22] Yeah. You know, I think the best thing I could do to protect the town is to figure this out together.
Cap:
[50:30] You know what? I think you're right. Especially given that we think your chastity thong is a clue.
Dylan:
[50:37] Yeah it's uh getting on a little bit later in the afternoon now you're heading down the main drag was there anywhere that you guys were specifically going or you just kind of chatting about what you learned while you're walking towards midtown you're.
Cap:
[50:56] You're skipping your whole shift right like when's when's the next time you have to be responsible for work I mean.
Crit:
[51:01] What's the worst that could happen? Something burns down? Oh, wait.
Cap:
[51:07] Oh, wait, that already happened.
Crit:
[51:08] That happens even when I'm there. So.
Dylan:
[51:11] Well, you guys are just kind of, you know, barely strolling as you're kind of like, all right, well, you know, like, what do I even do with all this time? I'm usually working for 18 hours.
Crit:
[51:22] Yeah, what do I even do here?
Dylan:
[51:24] Here yeah you know but it's nice you know you're kind of you're looking around you're realizing the whole place is just working just fine without you being in armor yeah as you're talking uh roll a perception check both of you oh perception.
Cap:
[51:42] Eight oh twelve five, twelve.
Dylan:
[51:49] Shit all right um yeah i mean it's it's busy you're more absorbed in your conversation asterisk but um thea you suddenly notice what really catches your attention isn't a particular sound just that there's a lack of sounds um and it seemed like suddenly there's there's a bit of a hush there's some rustle from like animals and stuff moving around they're not like silent uh but people have kind of slowly just you know the there's a hush that kind of came over everybody around asterisk you're still talking um and you're like i really you know there's got to be something to do with the magistrate does here like nobody.
Crit:
[52:31] Does their jobs it doesn't really matter if i'm I'm even doing anything.
Dylan:
[52:38] So Thea is like looking around, maybe tugs on Astros' sleeve a little bit like, it's a little weird.
Cap:
[52:47] Yeah tug like she's like tugs on her ears a little bit like you know maybe like they need to pop you know.
Dylan:
[52:51] Okay uh yeah and eventually you know asterisk you're like oh like you start to look around and yeah you notice everybody's looking down the road towards the entrance and there is a strange figure, approaching down the middle of the road it has a cart but it looks like a merchant every with every step that they take closer you start to hear this jingling almost like a like a tambourine or just a bunch of little metal objects clanging together and you start to hear people whispering um roll an insight check both of you.
Cap:
[53:29] This is so exciting oh you said insight still.
Dylan:
[53:35] Oh 10.
Cap:
[53:37] This is a bad dice this one's going this one's going to time out.
Dylan:
[53:40] Something on just Just the tip of your tongue. Something reminds, you're like, you feel kind of excited. You should be excited. You're feeling it around. Everybody's getting kind of excited. But you just like on the tip of your tongue, you're like, what am I, what is this? And you hear it on through the crowd, you hear jangling step. And you're like, that's what it was. It's that merchant that only comes around like once every 10 years. And it's, it's that weird elven merchant with no eyes. Wow. Jangling step.
Dylan:
[54:13] Approaches the crowd moves apart they start to come to their senses a bit and you know after everybody's gotten a good look they start to you know get back to their work but they're they're excited and you see jangling step coming and you can't help but get out of the way you know it's basically a vehicle coming yeah yeah respectful respect she's uh she's hunched over you know she She takes these long strides, almost bird-like, you know, like a crane or something like that. But every time her foot lands, it's kind of with a thud, and you get the... where she gets her namesake. She wears a hood, a very large hood, so you don't really get to see much of her face or anything like that. Yeah, and she's just heading towards Market Center. It looks like she's going to set up shop for the night. Who knows how long she's going to stay, but everybody's pretty interested in what's going on.
Cap:
[55:13] Oh, my God. We have to go. That's what we have to go. We have to go to her shop tonight. We have to go. Do you have, do you, do you make money?
Crit:
[55:26] Um, barely, just barely.
Cap:
[55:29] All right. Cool.
Crit:
[55:30] Technically, you know, don't.
Cap:
[55:32] You know what? Don't worry about it.
Dylan:
[55:33] She, uh, Asterisk makes enough money to buy sword oil, um, leather repair, uh, just enough to really keep her going at her job.
Cap:
[55:47] Yeah. Okay. You know, you know, never, nevermind. this is this is um let me not really meant to step out of line my lady uh, we've we've got to go we've got to go we have to go oh we're going.
Dylan:
[56:04] So yeah you guys are excited um you know a lot of other people too they're like oh yeah we're going yeah you're going wow um you know and there's but not everybody's excited there are people who are afraid there people who uh don't trust an outsider like this especially an outsider so alien looking there's nowhere that she doesn't try you know to some people that's very exciting and to others it's uh you know she literally travels into hell you know and back and makes makes deals with demons and vampires uh, The gentry, fae. So the rumors abound.
Crit:
[56:45] Yeah, I mean, you're also probably not supposed to make friends with hookers and bards.
Dylan:
[56:52] No, no, you've been breaking a lot of rules lately.
Crit:
[56:55] Yeah, I'm like starting to think that maybe I might be one of those dangerous people on the outside now, not just someone that is waiting a really long time to be relieved of duty.
Cap:
[57:14] You're a bad girl now.
Crit:
[57:16] I might be a baddie.
Cap:
[57:17] A bad, bad girl.
Dylan:
[57:20] And it's finally happening, your rebellious stage, about 10 years late. Right when you should have been starting your rebellious phase, they slapped a chastity thong onto you.
Cap:
[57:31] Lame.
Crit:
[57:32] Yeah. It just kind of deferred it, it turns out.
Cap:
[57:36] Yeah. Can't stop it. Stop the train.
Dylan:
[57:42] I'm going to have you roll a d20 asterisk. What'd you roll?
Crit:
[57:48] It's an eight.
Dylan:
[57:50] Okay.
Cap:
[57:50] Nice.
Dylan:
[57:51] Yeah, as you're considering all these new developments and choices that you've been making suddenly, you know, like you check in with yourself, you know, am I spiraling? You know, is this that slippery slope?
Crit:
[58:07] Yeah. What has it gotten me? What has it gotten anybody? But what has it gotten me?
Cap:
[58:16] Specifically me.
Dylan:
[58:16] Right, you're starting to reflect on yourself a bit. Like, you know, you have been, you know, she asked how much, you know, money you earn. And, you know, you get just about enough to keep going. But everything else that you get, you just give to tithe.
Crit:
[58:34] That's what you do.
Dylan:
[58:38] And it makes you wonder, does anybody else give the rest of their earnings to tithe?
Crit:
[58:44] Right. Yeah, not by how much I see them drinking.
Dylan:
[58:49] Right. Like, how do they afford all that stuff, you know? So, you know, probably not. So you're really starting to see kind of a house of cards here in a way. So, nice roll.
Crit:
[59:03] Thanks.
Cap:
[59:03] Nice roll.
Crit:
[59:05] Thanks. Good insight.
Dylan:
[59:10] Good insight.
Cap:
[59:12] Shit sucks.
Crit:
[59:13] Damn. Yeah, you see me just like, Really, like, getting in my head.
Dylan:
[59:21] Yeah. You're just, I mean, you're basically all in all, you're not feeling bad about it.
Crit:
[59:26] Yeah.
Dylan:
[59:26] You're like, fuck it, you know?
Crit:
[59:28] Yeah.
Dylan:
[59:28] Or heck it.
Crit:
[59:29] Heck it.
Cap:
[59:30] Heck it.
Dylan:
[59:31] Heck it at this point. Going to see Jangling Step tonight sounds fun.
Crit:
[59:38] Yeah.
Dylan:
[59:39] Yeah. Probably harmless. Probably great fun with your new friend.
Crit:
[59:43] It's probably a clue.
Cap:
[59:44] I am starving for news outside of this town. anything yeah any crumbs oh yeah everybody this.
Dylan:
[59:52] Is what people live for you know this will fuel it's like the world fair stories for years.
Cap:
[59:58] I'm starving and.
Dylan:
[1:00:00] You're the bard.
Cap:
[1:00:01] Fight still in line yeah.
Dylan:
[1:00:03] You know i mean you're the one who's writing the stories um a lot of songs are going to be expected a lot of stories that are unbelievable um so this is this is prime time for uh thea well if you.
Cap:
[1:00:16] Need anyone.
Crit:
[1:00:17] To push through the crowd gangway for.
Cap:
[1:00:19] You my bodyguard yeah.
Dylan:
[1:00:21] That's right do.
Cap:
[1:00:23] You have anything to um well i mean like listen not that you don't look pretty fantastic squoze in those they're cottons but do you have i guess we established last night that you really only have the dress that we got last night and this you know what and.
Crit:
[1:00:40] And my armors you know like the.
Cap:
[1:00:42] Gear but that's true well do you want to would you feel comfortable in your gear or can i can i try to can i try to dress you we've got a we've got a we've got to get ready we've got to get some things do you remember do you remember that book we found last night.
Crit:
[1:00:59] Yes about the organ right.
Cap:
[1:01:02] Yeah, Do you think, like, who else would, like, know anything about it? Like, oh, shit, we didn't take that to Syl.
Crit:
[1:01:12] Oh. Fuck.
Cap:
[1:01:14] I forgot about it until fucking jangling step. Oh, goddamn. Well, whatever.
Crit:
[1:01:19] We'll still find out later.
Dylan:
[1:01:24] You're distracted.
Crit:
[1:01:26] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:01:26] I was super distracted. Real distracted. She forgot that book existed until right now.
Dylan:
[1:01:33] Oh, but jingling step might know.
Crit:
[1:01:35] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:01:36] Exactly. That sounds like a fun party.
Crit:
[1:01:38] And then not only.
Cap:
[1:01:38] I can come to sell with info.
Dylan:
[1:01:40] Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Cap:
[1:01:42] I need to get my notebook. I need to get my ink. I have to get supplies. I need to get probably a non-substantial amount of gold for whatever I get up to tonight. And we need to look good. We just need to present. I need to dress you. Are you okay with that?
Crit:
[1:02:11] Yeah, that's fine. Do you mind if I add some armor pieces and some mail to that?
Cap:
[1:02:17] Yeah, go crazy.
Crit:
[1:02:18] Yeah, I just want to make sure I can do my job.
Cap:
[1:02:21] Cool. Do you need to go get it?
Crit:
[1:02:24] Yes, but that shouldn't take too long. I've already bathed.
Cap:
[1:02:27] Sick. All right. meet me at my meet me at my place yeah okay awesome.
Crit:
[1:02:35] Okay bye amazing i'm gonna go pack pack my bag my little rucksack and get dressed, yeah i feel like i'm gonna like just bring all my best stuff like you know when you're like packing for a sleepover and you're like what if i need this what if i need everything i don't have a lot of stuff uh it fits into one small bag but are.
Cap:
[1:02:59] We you hauling right now is that what's happening.
Crit:
[1:03:01] Um yeah you could yeah yeah i think that's what's happening.
Dylan:
[1:03:05] As you are uh approaching the the guard tower or what they would call the guard tower guard post um the guard stepstool you actually you see uh jace uh the uh captain of the guard's son uh stepping uh across the way he sees you and he does like a triple take and stops and approaches you and he's like you're out of armor hi Jace I and he like looks at his notepad dad who's like uh you're on patrol why aren't you patrolling god.
Crit:
[1:03:57] What would thea say um, uh i am on patrol.
Dylan:
[1:04:03] Yeah funny joke all right get out of here i'm undercover, undercover are you quitting on me so i'm not sure so uh when he's a great question when he said are you quitting on me uh a few things entered your head that you hadn't considered before one that this might just be a job, and a lot of the guards aren't like clergy they're not lifers you know in fact you're thinking about none of them are lifers oh and you you're kind of in this position where you went from being a clergy lifer to a guards person who's never going to get promoted, but yeah there's little there's a lot of thoughts swirling around suddenly when he said are you quitting on me that like wow you actually might just could just say yes wait.
Crit:
[1:05:04] That's an option.
Dylan:
[1:05:05] You know what yeah, he uh he like rolls his eyes and then he takes out his his uh quill and he just starts like scribbling off something on his pad and he's like he's like get your shit out of the barracks, and he walks off, He looks pissed off.
Crit:
[1:05:32] Oof. That's it?
Dylan:
[1:05:35] Yeah, it seems like that's all it really took. I mean, you know, there's part of your brain that's like, well, he doesn't run anything, and we haven't checked with Father Vesper or anybody else.
Crit:
[1:05:50] I mean, I'm sure when Father Vesper finds out, like, that's going to make it back to... well he said he said to pack up so i should.
Dylan:
[1:06:02] At least do that you know you wonder if he's even gonna say anything oh.
Crit:
[1:06:07] God what did i just do oh my god okay i should meet back at thea's house.
Dylan:
[1:06:16] I pack up.
Crit:
[1:06:17] Everything that i own and go oh.
Dylan:
[1:06:20] Yeah so you you fill up your bags um which are two bags so yeah you take off um, you you leave the barracks and you're going through the the yard and then cut through one of the tunnels you know you're passing by things but you'd probably be the last time uh wow and you look over at the requisitions office you know you notice uh nobody's in there you know it's right before you leave, um you could go in there take a look around.
Crit:
[1:06:54] Yeah no one's in there.
Dylan:
[1:06:56] Yeah no one's in the office no.
Crit:
[1:06:57] One's there to give it to me though.
Dylan:
[1:06:59] Well the door's open.
Crit:
[1:07:00] Oh I should.
Dylan:
[1:07:05] Like, it's a doorway that doesn't have a door, really. Oh, I see. It gets, like, locked up when they're done. And then there's, like, an opening in the wall for, like, a window, like a desk window. And then there's a door behind there that has all the armor and weapons.
Crit:
[1:07:25] Oh. And is that door closed? Can I put my head, like, around the corner to see if no one's really in the office?
Dylan:
[1:07:32] Yeah, you can go up there.
Crit:
[1:07:33] Yeah. yeah i'll check i'll see if you know i mean like it would make sense for the case.
Dylan:
[1:07:42] Right if.
Crit:
[1:07:43] I had the right gear all.
Dylan:
[1:07:45] Right yeah so you walk in you you walk to the back and um check the door and it just opens right up.
Crit:
[1:07:52] Well yeah what's in here all.
Dylan:
[1:07:54] Right so it opens outward it's you know kind It's kind of a heavy door, but you go inside and it's a torch-lit room that has...
Crit:
[1:08:04] Oh, and the whole thing ignites in flame.
Dylan:
[1:08:06] Right, and everything explodes because you didn't check for traps. No. You walk in and you haven't been back here, but it is a pretty large, about half the size of the barracks, torch-lit room, and the torches are on the walls. And between each torch would be a rack of armor or weapons or things like that. But these are all higher quality things that you don't generally have access to at your level. These are squire, knight, and even a couple of paladin level quality things.
Crit:
[1:08:42] How cool. How neat and nifty. Wow, that's intriguing.
Dylan:
[1:08:50] Intriguing um seeing a suit of paladin level steel armor and a sword and a morning star on the wall it's got its own section of the wall you would think that this particular suit of armor and weapons and whatnot is spare equipment for a paladin that would be needed if they were staying in haven that's just generally from your your take on it that's why there would be some paladins i see okay it's.
Crit:
[1:09:30] Like this is an outpost.
Dylan:
[1:09:31] Yes i see yeah um so you've got stuff for knights you know god it looks that armor looks so.
Crit:
[1:09:38] Fucking sexy i'm like checking it out like you would like like a really nice motorcycle, like, damn. Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:09:45] And so look at the.
Crit:
[1:09:46] Ooh, like, and this armor is.
Dylan:
[1:09:50] Uh, gleaming, you know, it's this, uh, gleaming polished steel um it's just a very practical and you can see looking at the fittings and everything how comfortable and mobile you'd be i'm.
Crit:
[1:10:05] Just admiring it honestly.
Dylan:
[1:10:07] Yeah it would probably look really good and do you think it would fit i.
Crit:
[1:10:11] Mean it's a shame i bet it would i bet it would fit oh.
Cap:
[1:10:18] What a shame.
Dylan:
[1:10:18] You know you look over um at the door it closed behind you But it locks from the inside.
Crit:
[1:10:26] It wouldn't hurt to try it on. Because then Thea wouldn't have to pull out her nice dress to dress me. I think she would be really pleased if I could dress myself. It wouldn't hurt to try it on.
Dylan:
[1:10:42] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:10:43] Yeah, so I want to go and lock the door and like... And I'm like drooling over this piece of rubber. I'm like undressing like I'm really at it I'm yeah I'm exactly it's the striptease.
Dylan:
[1:10:57] For the armor like okay all right yeah you can sort of see yourself in the armor too like um skin when skin gets exposed you see it in the armor um there is a small trunk at the base um and if you open that trunk it has the under armor and clothes um that go with it obviously the finest and softest you've run your fingers across.
Crit:
[1:11:21] What is this? I mean, oh, I gotta try it on.
Cap:
[1:11:26] All right, so.
Dylan:
[1:11:28] Nerd. You're going to don this armor, and I'm going to make a few rolls.
Crit:
[1:11:35] Oh, no.
Dylan:
[1:11:35] And we're going to see if anybody comes back, and if they do, if they have any reason to open that door.
Crit:
[1:11:45] I'm a baddie.
Dylan:
[1:11:46] I'm going to make some rolls here.
Crit:
[1:11:47] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:11:52] Okay you're really in the moment you are just taking drinking it in as you know you strip down and it's funny like the girls you've been hanging with have been just throwing compliments on you and you know it's made you blush and giggle but you haven't really gotten compliments like that you know and it seemed like they were serious um, And as you're undressing, you're starting to feel a little sexy. You know, you're starting to see what they see. You know, you've seen Thea on stage moving her body in ways that she knows manipulates the crowd. And while you're, you know, undressing, you're doing a little bit of those moves and you can do them. you dress up in the cottons fully dress up into the armor um but yeah it fits.
Cap:
[1:12:52] Oh no it fits mama oh no.
Dylan:
[1:12:57] Also a roll i made yeah roll to 20.
Crit:
[1:13:02] Oh no it's so good um wow um I guess I'm checking myself out in this armor like a.
Cap:
[1:13:17] Hot disco ball.
Crit:
[1:13:18] Yeah I'm like doing some squats to like check like the range of motion and like wow like yeah.
Dylan:
[1:13:24] You can do it all.
Crit:
[1:13:25] Oh it's crazy you said there's a morning star.
Dylan:
[1:13:31] And a uh a long sword.
Crit:
[1:13:33] And a long oh sorry.
Dylan:
[1:13:36] It's a bastard sword.
Crit:
[1:13:37] Yeah oh it's christmas oh it's a bad boy sword and.
Dylan:
[1:13:44] You are a bastard elf.
Crit:
[1:13:45] Well it goes with the you can't separate the pieces so i mean i gotta try that on too i gotta like you know is it weighted good like yeah.
Dylan:
[1:13:57] They are perfectly weighted.
Crit:
[1:14:00] This is so awesome.
Cap:
[1:14:04] Fucking fight for me, Utena.
Dylan:
[1:14:05] And yeah, the scabbard is hanging behind it.
Crit:
[1:14:09] Oh yeah, I'm going to equip that bad boy. That's mine.
Cap:
[1:14:14] Just to make the whole look.
Dylan:
[1:14:15] Yeah, that one is plated with a thin layer of steel as well.
Crit:
[1:14:22] The scabbard on the outside. Oh, I could kill somebody with that too. Amazing.
Cap:
[1:14:26] Exactly.
Crit:
[1:14:27] Bullshit. So this is coming with me. I've decided this is mine now yeah.
Dylan:
[1:14:36] And there's a helmet and the helmet is a imposing polished steel helmet with a Corinthian visor that leaves you masked pretty much.
Cap:
[1:14:49] Oh that's so cool.
Crit:
[1:14:51] Holy shit I'm realizing with this on I would have the full authority of a paladin to anyone who doesn't know oh my god holy shit you.
Dylan:
[1:15:02] Aren't wearing colors or anything they'll usually bring that with them.
Crit:
[1:15:06] Yeah like sash.
Dylan:
[1:15:06] Those kind of you know flag um this is just their armor oh.
Crit:
[1:15:11] This is gonna be great this is gonna be really fun we're gonna we're gonna be devious with this we're.
Cap:
[1:15:17] Gonna do crime.
Crit:
[1:15:17] We're gonna do crimes we're gonna be gay do crimes right i'm just.
Cap:
[1:15:21] Like well i'm harboring i'm harboring a fugitive nice.
Crit:
[1:15:25] All right um i've.
Cap:
[1:15:28] Got the clout don't worry.
Crit:
[1:15:30] I'm gonna put the helmet on all.
Cap:
[1:15:34] Right bad bitch.
Crit:
[1:15:35] Yeah it.
Dylan:
[1:15:36] Feels great thea what are you up to i.
Cap:
[1:15:41] Forgot thea existed.
Dylan:
[1:15:43] I
Crit:
[1:15:43] Was so.
Cap:
[1:15:45] Enraptured i'm dead serious, Thea made her way back to her place and she's going to pull out. Well, I think she's she's more concerned about finding clothes for Asterix. So she's going to start looking for things that she thinks might be a good fit or look for Astris and setting those aside and then choosing things for her and putting outfits together, checking her ink bottles, picking a bag, bringing out her various satchels for which to put said ink and writing implements and journals. and um and so like just sort of just really like prepping prepping for the pageantry of what she is kind of expecting this to be and she's so excited and she's also still processing all of this fairy nonsense um i think she's also thinking about asking this this jangling step if she's seen any red dragonborn anywhere.
Dylan:
[1:16:53] Alright, well then we're going to shoot back over to Asterisk real quick. Alright, so you're in full paladin full plate and you've got...
Crit:
[1:17:05] I'm happy as a clam.
Dylan:
[1:17:06] You've got your full weapons and everything and you've got your bag draped over your shoulder. Yeah, your beige bag. Are you going to unlock the door and leave?
Crit:
[1:17:20] Um, yes. Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:17:23] All right. So you unlock the door, open it, step out. And the requisitions officer is standing at his post and he turns around really quick. And he's like, what? My lord?
Cap:
[1:17:44] Oh, my God.
Dylan:
[1:17:47] God i i i have nothing here i what are you is uh who who are may i ask sir please uh present yourself and he like bows this.
Crit:
[1:18:03] Is amazing um i'm gonna i'm gonna salute and then And, yeah, okay, so I want to stand up as straight as possible and look big and scary and about a foot taller than I am and say, I am the brave Cermarion, chosen of the pure. You will bow lower.
Dylan:
[1:18:37] All right now let's roll an intimidation check please die with advantage, oh thank god.
Crit:
[1:18:48] A natural 20 all.
Dylan:
[1:18:51] Right needed that um yeah so he he had kind of bowed before all shakily or whatever um with his like hands full of notes uh when you said sir mariam his eyes widened and he dropped what he had and by the time you finished saying bow lower he was bowing um and then into a kneel and he is apologizing and he has his head down he's not looking at you he's staring at the floor and he is um yeah completely shook he uh, i beg your forgiveness my lord i i did not i was not expecting you please i uh, Mercy, my lord, mercy. If it please you, I could assist you in any way you need. I see you do not have a squire. I apologize deeply. I was not here in my post when you needed your armor.
Crit:
[1:19:54] Prepare and fully provision two horses.
Dylan:
[1:20:01] Yes, yes, sir, right away. Do you need a wagon cart?
Crit:
[1:20:04] Of course, of course. That's enough questions.
Dylan:
[1:20:07] Do you need riders? Do you need a squad? I could get a boy.
Crit:
[1:20:12] Just the horses.
Dylan:
[1:20:14] Um, and he right away, sir. And he backs away from you, uh, the whole way with his head down and runs off. One last thing before we get back over to Thea. Um, now you're in the requisitions office. Um, The requisitions officer is quite gone, and now you have access to their paperwork, their ledgers, their petty cash. Yeah, in fact, his key chain is on the counter. He left in such a rush. All the papers are on the floor.
Crit:
[1:21:03] Well, I've tithed enough. I'm going to take that key Taking the key? Yeah Alright I'm going to look for the cash I'm going to I'm going to get I'm going to get what's owed to me Alright.
Dylan:
[1:21:16] Roll Is it investigate or search? Whichever is higher Yeah, um you're like looking at the keys and looking at the locks and you're trying to like see if any of them look like they match up quickly um and it's not working so you're just trying all the keys now um you're like that not not go fuck it you know like one at a time this isn't gonna work great um you thought you could eye it but you're like why am i doing this um you have figured out which ones are the locking keys for the doors and cage so you've got these two keys that you're using on uh like a locked wooden cabinet because that's what seems to be the only thing and in the cabinet it only has three drawers you uh two of them just have paperwork all the ledgers things like that that kind of history and then the um top or the bottom drawer has uh what you're looking for the money it's got the money and in each partition is a sack that's open like open mouth tucked over itself and then filled with uh gold silver and copper holy shit they're not gigantic bags but they are equal size yeah.
Crit:
[1:22:41] I guess i'll take it.
Dylan:
[1:22:42] All right yeah.
Crit:
[1:22:43] Fuck this place sweet.
Dylan:
[1:22:45] All right roll it yes.
Cap:
[1:22:47] Anding everything yeah.
Dylan:
[1:22:48] All right roll a d20 oh christ that's a one a one um yeah as as you're walking out to leave towards thea's place uh you just start laughing.
Crit:
[1:23:03] Oh no, what did i do.
Dylan:
[1:23:09] So you're getting all your things together and you're just like you're so excited and you're like this is awesome I haven't had like experience like this, maybe ever you know you're you know you're stoked on your new friend and jangling step everything you're like you know what fuck it you're like pulling the money out you know the the reserves you're like we're i'm gonna go all out today yeah and uh we're.
Cap:
[1:23:46] Gonna buy this vendor out.
Dylan:
[1:23:47] Yeah yeah you pull out all the gold then after you know it's been about 45 minutes to an hour or something since you guys split up you hear coming up the path to uh your house uh horses and uh wagons or carts, horses and carts. You can hear them crunching up to the walkway, which is alarming because people don't take their horses and carts up to your door. There's only one walkway up there and that's to you.
Cap:
[1:24:34] What madness have you brought to my doorstep?
Dylan:
[1:24:38] So you kind of see out the window, there's horses coming up. And you come walking out and you see two of probably the largest horses in town. The finest horses they have. generally meant for the Knights training when they come up here, drawing carts with sides and locks and lock boxes, very fine stuff. And one of the horses, one's riderless and the other is what appears to be a full-fledged paladin, full plate armor, coming up to your door. Now, you can roll a perception or an insight or some kind of a knowledge, whichever is higher.
Cap:
[1:25:45] Oh, it's going to be a seven.
Dylan:
[1:25:47] Okay, well, yeah, this is a paladin that is showing up to your door. There's only a couple in the land that you've heard of. And as a bard, that's pretty significant. You're like, who is this? Holy shit, this is the craziest day of my life. And it's so shocking that you're not even looking for like the colors or identifiers or anything. You're just like, there's a pallet in here. And their huge suit of armor.
Cap:
[1:26:14] I'm gonna rush out the front door and fucking goddamn, I'm gonna bow. and go sir.
Crit:
[1:26:23] Am i still laughing.
Dylan:
[1:26:27] Um yeah actually only so well you weren't laughing when you showed up out loud really you were still like chuckling because on the way on the way there you were you were laughing for a lot of reasons but it wasn't it wasn't how absurd this was it was it was how good it felt to really do all of this um and then when you came up to thea's house and she came whipping out of the front door like you saw like her peek out the out the window a couple of times like you just saw a flash of her face like triple taking and then she comes flying out and she bows deeply and says hello sir uh you you know in the most like royal way she could in a a panicked state and you can't help but laugh uh so you start chuckling you know and laughing more of a deeper belly laugh and so thea this is terrifying you're you say hello sir and they start like under this this hollow helmet you know um you know just deeply laughing at um Um, so you're not sure what's going on. Uh, your reality is sort of caving in on itself a little bit.
Dylan:
[1:27:48] I'm kind of like the president. It's like the president showing up in a helicopter on your lawn or something. You're like, whoa. Um, and then he just starts laughing.
Crit:
[1:27:57] I want to take off my helmet. I'm going to take my helmet off.
Dylan:
[1:28:00] Right. Yeah. So she takes her helmet off and the laughing goes from sinister and hollow and freaky to more, pleasant and familiar as you see Astris cracking up. She's got tears running down her face. And she's just.
Crit:
[1:28:22] I quit What.
Cap:
[1:28:23] The fuck did you do? I quit Okay, was this your severance package?
Crit:
[1:28:31] You could say that, Wow, Where are these gonna live? I don't know But that one's for you Oh, got me a horse horse i throw all the money on the ground so.
Dylan:
[1:28:55] She throws a uh i assume you just took the drawer, so you because you know you could have taken the bags i don't know it's up to you you just pull the bags right out of the drawer you could take the bags all right so you take the bags, So she tosses down three bags that are, you know, about the size of two fists.
Crit:
[1:29:21] You know, each.
Dylan:
[1:29:24] And just tosses them in front of you. And they don't bounce. They just clunk. And you know that sound. That was a whole lot of money just thrown at your feet.
Cap:
[1:29:35] I repeat, what the fuck did you do?
Crit:
[1:29:39] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:29:43] What? Where did you get this? This is a lot of fucking money.
Crit:
[1:29:48] I don't know.
Cap:
[1:29:49] What do you mean you don't know?
Crit:
[1:29:52] I don't know where they got it. I mean, why do they have so much money?
Cap:
[1:29:59] Okay. Okay, hold on. Who is they?
Crit:
[1:30:06] The guards. Okay.
Dylan:
[1:30:10] The Covenant of Purity, basically.
Crit:
[1:30:11] The Covenant of Purity, they've got, they, I thought, I thought all the guards were like me, but they're just normal people.
Cap:
[1:30:23] Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Oh, no, me and Syl broke her brain.
Dylan:
[1:30:30] Yeah, so.
Crit:
[1:30:32] I don't know if I'm going to be in trouble or not.
Cap:
[1:30:36] What? So, okay, wow. Okay, hey, you know what? let's uh let's take those let's let's park those carts in the back let's.
Dylan:
[1:30:49] Tie the you have there's space the thing is there's actually plenty of space that meadow uh that you saw gilthaniel coming across um is on the other it's on the north side away from town towards the the forest but there's a huge clearing there just uh on the other side of your hill um and it's grazing land um so the horses can feed themselves um but yeah you're not like locked in like a apartment complex or something you're like what am i doing with these horses excellent, excellent you're just like put them to the fucking hitching post over there jesus it let them go.
Cap:
[1:31:30] Eat all right they can go do that and you come inside i'm gonna make you some tea and we're gonna discuss that, yeah that sounds that sounds great.
Crit:
[1:31:45] That sounds yeah a lot yeah you.
Cap:
[1:31:51] Sound like you've had a day and you just need to sit with tea your high horse indeed i will offer you my hand and help you down oh.
Crit:
[1:32:00] Thank you my lady.
Dylan:
[1:32:05] You take her hand, get off the horse, go inside. You're still, Asterix, you're very giddy and just high on the whole experience. You've got this self-righteous kind of feeling here going. So, yeah, you go inside and you guys get some tea. And Asterix catches you up on how exactly this all happened.
Cap:
[1:32:32] I'm listen i am so so fucking proud of you i am a little horrified but in a good way as it's a compliment and you are gonna be sill's favorite fucking person you need to know that this is insane this is amazing can you wear this tonight you're gonna make me the most popular girl in town down again i am going to be legendary showing up to this fucking thing with you in that armor you convinced them all that oh my god this is amazing is.
Crit:
[1:33:14] It okay if i keep the helmet on later tonight i think that.
Cap:
[1:33:17] Yeah i think i think that will be best not because your face isn't gorgeous i'll miss it but but for the you know the sake of the act.
Crit:
[1:33:23] Wonder how long i could pull this off for.
Cap:
[1:33:27] Funny well we could pull it off as long as you want i can spin you whatever tales you need the.
Dylan:
[1:33:35] Only people that you would see uh coming to try to find you would be the abbess or father vesper they would want to know uh why you're here and why they didn't hear that you were coming. And by you, I mean, sir, Miriam. But, you know, as as word travels, you know, it's pretty quick, but it's also late in the day. You probably wouldn't worry about them tonight.
Crit:
[1:34:09] All right. I think. Yeah, let's party.
Cap:
[1:34:14] Amazing. I guess I don't need the outfits I pulled for you. This is this is perfect. Do you? Well, do you need anything else?
Crit:
[1:34:24] Maybe we should. um if you have some colors that i could add to complete the look just to upstairs.
Cap:
[1:34:33] To my workspace.
Crit:
[1:34:34] Oh amazing i do i'm so excited not to clang around really.
Dylan:
[1:34:40] So i could have you guys make some rolls here or i could let you you know take a 20 and just really hammer it out because you're overseeing it and be like nope you could stop her right where she's going and be like this has to be exactly you know this angle um you know just as you're recalling it drawing it out yeah that makes sense.
Crit:
[1:35:01] To me because we're not doing it in front of anybody else.
Dylan:
[1:35:03] Right you're not really in a rush yeah.
Cap:
[1:35:05] We can be fashionably late this is going to make such a scene still is gonna shit.
ReCap:
[1:35:12] Yo thanks for listening to another episode of slash and fuck hope you had a good time i know we did please like comment and subscribe on your podcasting app it really helps us out y'all i can't believe astris committed grand theft horse holy shit oh click on over to the next episode to see if we get arrested.