Thea and Astris keep up their charade until a summons makes them realize they must flee town. The road leads north as Thea endeavors to find the person who sent the ring of flowers, and whose voice tickles the back of her mind.
Cap:
[0:00] Hello, and welcome to Slash and Fuck, a stupid sexy D&D podcast. As the title suggests, we are a mature podcast and will be dealing with increasingly adult themes and content as our story unfolds. So, if you're still here, I want to thank you for starting this journey with us, and we hope you enjoy your stay. So, without further ado, let's slip into something a little more comfortable.
Dylan:
[0:38] So where we last left off was quite a doozy you know you guys uh you got up and met up for brunch you know and uh you went to lee's riverside cafe to do that you had a wonderful venison and brunch afterwards you went to go talk to drusilla about many things many questions involving thea's uh crown of roses gift that she got and uncovered some mysteries there um further investigation is needed and sounds like it needs to happen in the forest And then afterwards, Asterix, who had decided to take the day off in a fit of rebellious angst, took it way, way further than we could have imagined and just quit her job on the spot. cleaned out her barracks left the stuff she didn't want and then on her way out saw that the requisitions office was unmanned and the armory was unlocked so then asterisk discovered, a suit of armor fit for a paladin with a bastard sword a morning star equipped herself in this armor and then.
Dylan:
[2:08] Decided to take up the identity of Sir Merriam, the paladin that she squired for. Intimidating and fooling the guards, the requisitions officer and taking all of the petty cash and showing up to Thea's front door with two of the finest horses in town fully fitted equipped with a cart and provisioned for travel and of course asterisks in full plate.
Crit:
[2:44] Masterwork, by the way.
Dylan:
[2:46] Yeah, the finest. So yeah, you spent probably more than two hours, but several hours throughout the rest of the afternoon forging some pretty good-looking colors. That'll do for now.
Crit:
[2:59] Awesome.
Cap:
[3:00] Hell yeah.
Crit:
[3:00] Awesome.
Dylan:
[3:02] So you guys are still at Thea's, and so now that you've finished the colors, it looks fine. Thea, do you know what you're wearing tonight? night uh you mentioned last time that uh hanging out with the paladin will make you the most popular girl in town again.
Cap:
[3:17] Yes the most popular girl in town again twice over popular that's what we strive for um i do i do so she's going to be since she's with a since she's with a paladin she's going to be wearing i want to say something a little bit more utilitarian i.e there's pants involved, okay all right so it's going to be sort of like um high-waisted pants uh with a sort of, uh corseted or girdled uh skirt wrap sort of like the it like um it it starts at like the corset and like hangs sort of in the front and the back like tabard style but long and over the pants and then she has sort of a uh fluffier uh like a white blouse sort of over top uh that squeezes into the the corseted oh that's so sexy um and a swashbucklery yeah a little bit yeah a little bit pirate flavor the pants the pants is really what do it yeah.
Dylan:
[4:28] Uh great when we know what uh Asteris is wearing, of course. Yeah, you guys have been taking up as much time as you can, getting ready. And so night has fallen. And the market is probably getting ready. You know, the merchants are probably just getting finished setting up. So you guys are going to head to the market?
Cap:
[4:59] Yeah.
Dylan:
[5:00] All right.
Crit:
[5:01] Awesome.
Dylan:
[5:01] Do you think you're going to take the horses and cart, like the full provisions and everything, or are you just going to go in person?
Crit:
[5:09] It seems like a lot. I was kind of thinking that would be for like getting out of town. Yeah.
Cap:
[5:16] Yeah. Right.
Dylan:
[5:17] Yeah.
Cap:
[5:17] I think we'd just walk.
Dylan:
[5:18] Yeah. I remember your cover story. Right.
Crit:
[5:20] Right. Right. Right. So I think I should be on the horse and you should be trying out some of those new songs that you're writing. Yeah.
Cap:
[5:28] I can like follow around you and like play the damn fiddle and shit. Yeah.
Dylan:
[5:32] Sprinkled flower petals and shit. You know.
Cap:
[5:35] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because the cover that you've come to me to write a song commemorating your fallen squires is going to be how we make sense of that.
Dylan:
[5:48] Is that the story? You came out of the forest beaten and bloodied and...
Crit:
[5:53] Cermarium?
Dylan:
[5:54] Yeah.
Crit:
[5:55] Okay, so I, Cermarium, like some sort of awful battle, all my squires gone, kidnapped, beaten, God knows what. But, yeah, real sad stuff. And I was naked. And that's why I needed armor and clothes and money and horses. It was, yeah, real harrowing stuff.
Dylan:
[6:20] Yeah, I mean, it's believable. I mean, you being stripped of your armor, it's huge. They're going to want to know what the hell happened.
Crit:
[6:27] Yeah.
Dylan:
[6:28] You know, and the fact that you survived, too. Unmamed, it seems. Is huge. And this is probably something that Thea is going to be telling you. Like, these are questions people are going to ask first. You know, like, what was it? You know, so you can spin tales that way if you want. It could have been a lot of little things. A harrowing journey that's too long to tell. And will be told in song later.
Crit:
[6:55] What do you think? What would be good in the song? I don't know. Like, help me out here. Like, gnolls.
Cap:
[7:01] It could have been a group of gnolls. Gnolls aren't anything to fuck with.
Crit:
[7:04] Yeah.
Cap:
[7:04] Big and scary so it could have been a large pack of gnolls or something or do you want something cooler I like that.
Crit:
[7:09] Big pack of gnolls like.
Dylan:
[7:11] Does that make.
Cap:
[7:11] Sense what a paladin.
Crit:
[7:13] Yeah well then they ate the squires and that's why there aren't any bodies yo real it.
Dylan:
[7:19] Could even you could have been um tracing a dragon yeah you know no uh and you found their cult members or something in the forest you got sidetracked by bandits uh that ran into the forest and you chased after them but it was a trap like Like.
Crit:
[7:37] Yeah, and if it's so many individual events, nobody can verify any one thing.
Cap:
[7:45] And if you plant a bunch of different stories, no one's going to know which one's real.
Crit:
[7:48] Yeah, exactly. Security through obfuscation.
Dylan:
[7:51] Right. So that seems like the plan. Thea's going to sing a bunch of songs about a whole bunch of things. And they're going to be like, which one is it? And you're like, all of them. You know, this and more. more so you're going with the fantastic cover story which is great yeah just like or fantastical exponentially more.
Crit:
[8:14] Squires die every time.
Dylan:
[8:16] Yeah and you know the people start retelling the story you know i heard that you know she fell into a trap with 30 giant spiders gliders you know all right so you're gonna go down to the market uh taking one of the horses without cart thea's got her loot she'll be playing it skipping around making a well maybe not a huge scene but a scene yeah.
Cap:
[8:47] So it's i feel like a little bit more of a somber note so she'll be be more in like professional and less like home mode.
Dylan:
[8:53] Right she's all b minor exactly yes.
Cap:
[8:58] Is this is a little bit of a dirge.
Dylan:
[9:00] Yeah but kind of funny yeah exactly um because it's fake, right yeah you might even have like good good dark somber makeup on and everything to look like look the part more right yeah dramatic experience well yeah you go down the main drag toward the market and as you get there you see most of the um um most of the stalls are set up and the merchants are ready to be peddling their wares uh you notice jangling step most of all you see her carriage that was pulled by the, giant blind mole rat jangling step is unhooking parts of her carriage to unfold with planks of wood coming down and little shells popping out tons of little trinkets and parchment papers and art and maps and as you get closer you notice that jangling step has her hood down so So this would be the first time either of you have seen one of the tunnel elves up close, or bat elves, they're called as well.
Dylan:
[10:29] Massive bat-like ears in ratio, but they look vestigial. There's all of these little cups and twirls and openings and little parts of it move. There's hairs lining every part of it. It seems like her ears are just as much digits to her as her hands are. And she has no eyes. Not in the sense that there's eye sockets and they're missing. There's no eye sockets. It's just smooth skin. And then a very broad, pleasant smile. mile as she goes about doing her thing and unlocking and unfurling her wares as you approach she pulls out a red bandana and puts it over where her eyes would be um just slowly calmly her clothing is well made immaculate and it looks comfortable but it's got this, weird style it's almost alien where it's less about the colors and cut and more about the different textures that you would see playing all over.
Crit:
[11:41] Yeah i think like um i as much as we're being in character i'm kind of letting thea take the lead socially because like um from what i knew about sir marion they were like very quiet and brooding but also like i wouldn't think they would like approach and trade with jangling step right so i'm kind of just like here to be with the uh maker popular so yeah i'm kind of looking around and just being stoic and looking hot mysterious nice.
Cap:
[12:14] If there's anything you want from the stall but don't want to approach to get just let me know.
Crit:
[12:20] And uh.
Cap:
[12:21] I will get it.
Crit:
[12:22] Awesome.
Dylan:
[12:24] As you guys are approaching, there is a lot of excitement, mainly due to Jangling Step being in town. There's a lot of kids running around, a lot of whispers, a lot of people talking loudly. And a paladin walking up accompanied by a bard singing and playing her instrument is adding to this excitement. It doesn't necessarily make you guys any center of attention, but it's just, oh, wow, what next? You know, uh, it kind of added, you know, where's the band? Um, so you're not really standing out as much as you might've feared at first. Um, but yeah, there's, people are excited.
Cap:
[13:06] How, um, how, how crowded is it? Like how many people are there? Are people like crowding her stall before she opens up or is it like pretty clear?
Dylan:
[13:15] Um it's pretty clear uh people are mostly watching um because it looks like she's just finishing up getting set up but it's a lot of people are just there to see you know cool.
Cap:
[13:27] Yeah then i guess um once uh once she looks like she's open and ready to accept customers um Um, just got nothing on it. I'm just going to walk right up like it's a normal stall.
Dylan:
[13:42] All right. So you walk up to jangling step, uh, jangling step says, please approach girl, please. And she turns around and, uh, brings her arm up and, uh, waves you closer. They're long bony fingers. Awesome.
Cap:
[14:03] I'm going to give a, um, a respectful bow. And proceed forward. Like, oh, jangling step, your reputation precedes you. I've been waiting years to meet you.
Dylan:
[14:15] Oh, why didn't you come and find me earlier?
Cap:
[14:20] Not all of us are so brave and able as to walk the wilds like you do. Otherwise, I would have.
Dylan:
[14:27] Oh, nonsense. You have it in you. I can already tell.
Cap:
[14:31] You are too sweet.
Dylan:
[14:32] Well, please come. Come. What interests you, dear? Is it little trinkets from the fray? Perhaps the bound heart? art, you know, all kinds of maps and art and things. What do you fancy?
Cap:
[14:53] Oh, I fancy a bit of everything. I fancy a bit of the material, and I fancy a bit of, honestly, information from abroad. I would love to know what is happening in the world outside of this city.
Dylan:
[15:08] Oh, much of everything happens outside of this city. That's for sure, my dear. It's not often I come through here for a good reason. You start looking around just over her shoulder as she's speaking to you. You see a lot of spell reagents.
Crit:
[15:30] Spell reagents and rooster vigor.
Dylan:
[15:33] That's right.
Cap:
[15:34] Rooster vigor?
Dylan:
[15:36] That's right.
Cap:
[15:36] Is that a fun euphemism?
Dylan:
[15:39] Well, it's a spell reagent, isn't it?
Crit:
[15:44] Cock power bit.
Dylan:
[15:46] Self-explanatory but you can use it in many things love potions lust potions um and really you know if you're just uh feeling a bit tired in the morning and you also notice hanging on the uh off the carriage is a couple of these lamps she notices you looking at them And she says, oh, these, the lust lamps, are you partial to them?
Cap:
[16:15] This is my first time hearing of lust lamps. What exactly do they do?
Dylan:
[16:19] So, I'm sorry, dear, you are a tiefling, are you not? Sometimes these old senses can betray me.
Cap:
[16:28] Yes, yes, yes, I am.
Dylan:
[16:30] And you must not know where you're from, where you're from. Your people are from?
Cap:
[16:36] No, can't say adieu. Didn't really have that opportunity.
Dylan:
[16:43] Well, dear, your people, they come from the far south, you see. And she points over her shoulder towards the horizon line, towards the south along the mountains. She goes south through the mountains. You go far enough, you shall find the ribbon, the red ribbon. The realm of your kind and others, vampire, kin, devils and demons. These lust lamps is what they're called. They don't work here. They only work in places like the ribbon or further into what they call the fray. They harness and store magical power. I don't sell many of them here, as you can see why.
Cap:
[17:31] Yes.
Dylan:
[17:32] Oh, well, if you're interested, just set them aside and we'll talk about this all at the end. Oh, fantastic.
Cap:
[17:39] I like the way you work.
Dylan:
[17:41] So, Asteris, have you been close enough to over here?
Crit:
[17:46] Yeah, I mean, I've been like just kind of like sticking around nearby like... If there's like a, you know how if there's like a booth with illicit materials, they usually have their own like security guard nearby. I'm kind of like taking that position, you know, because it's like, ooh, weird out of town or make everybody feel a little more safe to come and looky-loo, right? Like, I can't help myself. I have to secure things.
Dylan:
[18:14] No, that's good enough. Yeah. Yeah, and, you know, you look like you're posted up and people who walk by who are brave enough, you know, salute you or nod, you know. Oh, sir, sir. She takes you to each part of her wagon. It's kind of most ways around it. She shows you coins of all the realms, all the major realms. There is also a sack of queen's glass coins with a diagram in it. um what.
Cap:
[18:44] Are what are the what are glass queen's coins.
Dylan:
[18:47] These are from the bound heart the the realm in the north uh i figured since you were so close you might have had a few brushes already but there are some kindly folk to the north uh i i do trade with and will do so trade with after i'm done here The fey folk, their land is known as many titles, but the Bound Heart is the name that most other realms would know it by. The glass coins are their currency there. Queen's glass.
Cap:
[19:22] I feel like those may be useful, but we can circle back around to those.
Dylan:
[19:25] Um, she goes on, um, to some of the art and there's a small Goya-esque painting or a canvas painting of, uh, this red woman in a pit looks like she's in a... an orgy pit, big, large horns and wings, and she reclines upon a throne of red silk with her legs wide open. Two women on her knees with their heads in her lap performing cunnilingus at the foot of her throne, a tangle of sweaty naked bodies writhes in coitus. This is some beautiful work. A typical painting of Lilith you would find. I believe the story is to be quite true. True, this would be an accurate portrayal of Lilith in her throne room, but I have not gone so deep into the fray to have seen it myself.
Cap:
[20:19] I have, I've found a book that makes mention of Queen Lilith. I've never, I've never come across a book quite like this. Would you mind if I asked you if you've ever heard of it?
Dylan:
[20:34] Oh, please, sure.
Cap:
[20:35] It's called A Century at the Organ, Memoirs of the Organist of the Royal Lilithite Sinfonia Orgasmica.
Dylan:
[20:44] Uh yeah she uh she recognizes it after running her hands across it uh she takes it from you and she says oh yes uh this book it keeps people uh have been ripping these apart and burning them hiding them here in this injunction here uh for fear of the red ribbon or anything beyond uh i should have a few uh pieces of it around here let me just and she starts digging through one of her you know cupboards and she's just like i is uh seems to um yeah and she pulls out what seems to be about uh about an inch of pieces of paper and she's like i'll trade you how about this yes ma'am okay, So she puts it aside. You notice what looks like a pillow. Sorry, before we get to the pillow, while she's trading you the literature, she mentions that she also has another book called, or like a portion of a book, if you're interested. It's called The Eccentricities of Lilithite Fashion, if you'd like. yes.
Cap:
[22:04] I very like all.
Dylan:
[22:07] Right yeah she sets it aside and your eye is drawn to this pillow, uh the pillow before you is a musty smelling kind of frankenstein of frayed stitches and cheap but hardly a hardy fabric with a unique but not offensive smell of dust dried sweat faint traces of more than one perfume scent uh it's been around the patch is stitched all over one One side of the pillow are faded and worn. You can't be sure if the quality of the images were always poor or if they just degraded with time. A pair of old leather bondage restraints are sewn into either side. The stitches are raw and the sewing is suspect. Whoever made this was an amateur tailor that substituted skill for enthusiasm. On the reverse side of the pillow is a variety of colors and styles of old ink pens or poster paint. paint autographs and the names of venues and concerts are stained into the fabric so.
Cap:
[23:05] Uh i'm kind of looking this thing over oh sofia witchfinger that's the woman who wrote the chapter i'm giving you are all of the people who signed this significant somehow.
Dylan:
[23:22] Oh are there signatures on the back yeah.
Cap:
[23:25] That's it's signed with a bunch of different names um and a lot of different places and things it's it's a very pornographic pillow.
Dylan:
[23:34] Oh yes most things from the ribbon tend to be do you read her the the signatures or you just you know um.
Cap:
[23:44] Just we'll just we'll just pick like a few random ones that include sophia which finger and aj quinn and the smattering of any of the other ones okay.
Dylan:
[23:54] Uh she recognizes them they were oh some 80 years or more ago they were quite the hip touring music troupe in the ribbon there was a whole band of them and all of their wildness quite quite popular uh they they were known for the their stage presence and their wild parties and well-liked. They sound like my kind of people. Sophia Witchfinger and A.J. Quinn were the superstars.
Cap:
[24:33] Well, as strange as it might be for someone to wish to buy a very kinky pillow, I'm interested in this as well.
Dylan:
[24:45] Oh, I suppose you are. Well, its value just went up quite a bit, thanks to you telling me who signed this pillow. But your honesty is noted. I'll put it aside for you here.
Cap:
[25:00] Ah, thank you.
Dylan:
[25:01] You find more knickknacks that Jangling Step calls lover's dolls. They're just very erotic shaped figurines.
Cap:
[25:11] Oh.
Dylan:
[25:11] Yeah. And then she gestures over, pass more of those trinkets to her maps that she has. So when you look at the elemental axis of, or axis, elemental realm of law, Jangling Step tells you, um yes axe it's a very interesting place um lots of rules you must follow the rules there they're not evil or anything just very rules-minded they help keep uh everything flowing in all realms that's where you'll find the the spider elves i.
Cap:
[25:48] Guess i kind of want to throw like a look back over to uh to asteris be like like i want to communicate with my eyes there's a lot of cool shit here yeah you want any.
Dylan:
[26:00] Um i'm sure asteris has been paying very close attention um anything for your friend um she turns her attention towards asteris my lord you've been quite quiet over there yeah.
Crit:
[26:19] I think i'll i'll probably come over at this point just to like be polite um i'll hold my hand out.
Cap:
[26:26] And and like kind of be like ah sir please join us.
Dylan:
[26:31] Um as you approach um she kind of wiggles her fingers and she smiles and says ah what finely crafted armor Farmer, it sings on you, my dear.
Crit:
[26:48] Thank you.
Cap:
[26:49] I'll family torture you.
Crit:
[26:54] It's very kind of you. Thank you.
Dylan:
[26:56] Well, it's not often that I have somebody so well-equipped come speak to me. What can I do for you? Any of this interest you?
Crit:
[27:09] Hmm. Only in so much as curiosities.
Dylan:
[27:16] Well, what do we have here? We have, let's see, we have the pillow. Oh, yes, the pillow. We have the game, the dice game.
Cap:
[27:29] Oh, and some of those maps. We should get some of those maps.
Dylan:
[27:32] The maps, yes.
Cap:
[27:33] Oh, yeah, sir. Sir Paladin. Sir Miriam. There seem to be a great many maps here. In your travels, would that not be something that would help you greatly?
Crit:
[27:44] Please.
Cap:
[27:45] I would be happy to purchase them for you.
Crit:
[27:48] An astute observation, bard.
Cap:
[27:52] I am here to serve.
Crit:
[27:54] Thank you. Please do so.
Cap:
[27:59] As you wish.
Crit:
[28:00] Oh my god, I'm such an asshole.
Dylan:
[28:04] Oh, employee of a paladin. Quite a station for someone such as you to reach. How fascinating.
Cap:
[28:15] I'm moving up in the world very slowly.
Dylan:
[28:18] Oh, yes, I'm sure stories are already begun to be told about you two. Let's see.
Crit:
[28:25] I guess the point is to be the one writing them, right?
Cap:
[28:29] That's my goal.
Dylan:
[28:30] Very wise. I would say did you want the you wanted all the maps the pillow, And spell reagents? Lover's idols? So, Thea, as you are looking through the pile of stuff that you may or may not be interested in purchasing, a little gust of wind comes by. It's a gust of wind that you've felt before. It almost immediately catches your senses because it starts at your legs. And you are wearing pants, but you just kind of notice the caress of the wind on this one. And you see some of the parchment paper that was hanging from one of the shelves on the carriage shifts to the side. and you see a sculpture or an idol of a masculine figure, almost satyr-like in a way.
Dylan:
[29:34] Bestial, thorns, claws, big barrel chest. And when you lay eyes on it, that familiar your feeling washes over you and that voice that whispers into your subconscious pushes just an urge into you that you need that that figurine that idol all the other stuff cool that is the one you need and it's almost like your your chest is reaching out to it you know you're being drawn on to this you know it's very insistent.
Cap:
[30:10] Um yeah yeah i think um yeah i think we'll take uh everything uh in in that we've put aside uh and i just saw this uh this this figure uh uh back behind you it's a satyr that's very interesting looking.
Dylan:
[30:27] Oh yes she reaches behind and grabs it This is the idol of Oberon. She hands it to you. The king of courts. The master of seasons. The life and the hunt, if you will. Yes, you can find these around. But yes, this is a depiction of one of the many forms, Oberon.
Cap:
[30:58] Oh, fascinating. Fascinating. Well, I think I have a cool place that it would look in my bedroom. So I'm going to get that as well.
Crit:
[31:06] Between your legs.
Cap:
[31:09] On the mantle. God. I'm a lady.
Dylan:
[31:14] It's just what I named my vagina.
Cap:
[31:17] Mantle.
Dylan:
[31:19] This is going on the mantle. Yeah, she sets it down and you snatch it up even without thinking. And, feels amazing like you're humming to have just finally gotten it but it feels familiar and it feels gratifying that you you took it and you listened i'm a good girl yeah that's the vibe you're getting like you're getting some head pats and like good good getting.
Cap:
[31:47] A head pass.
Dylan:
[31:48] Jingling step um touches each of the items and considers uh before placing them into another other pile she asks you if you want any of the currency from any of the other realms or if you're going to pass and just take the items and going through the other currencies i assume you're looking at yeah.
Cap:
[32:12] Yeah i would like to exchange a small sum of each are the glass coins in the bag Bag sold is a lot.
Dylan:
[32:20] Yes, it comes with a diagram. So, yes, there she picks it up and shakes it once. Twenty-three pieces in here. So five gold, ten silver. If you want a bat, that will be ten gold each. And the ribbon, the thread, I'll give you an even exchange.
Cap:
[32:48] Excellent. Um, yes, then, um, I will take the bag with the diagram and the glass, two bats, and ten golds worth of thread.
Dylan:
[33:02] All right, yes. And for the rest of the items, I will sell to you for 120 gold. Okay.
Cap:
[33:16] Done. Ah, I ask for one more piece of information. I don't know if you would wish to charge for it.
Dylan:
[33:25] Hmm.
Cap:
[33:26] Have you heard tell of any red dragonborn?
Dylan:
[33:31] Oh, well, you would certainly have better luck in the Ribbon, but chance would have it I have heard of, I'm not sure of Red, but Dragonborn up north. Um, they seem to have been following the trail of Glasswing. So, uh, yes, the, wherever Glasswing lairs is likely the direction you would find a Dragonborn that I have heard of.
Cap:
[34:04] Thank you. That is interesting.
Dylan:
[34:07] Yes, you're quite welcome.
Cap:
[34:08] Well excellent this has been most productive um i'm going to pay pay her pay pay that out start stacking it up and counting it out that might take a minute.
Dylan:
[34:22] Uh, you guys just exchange, uh, gold for goods and, um, easy enough. Um, she doesn't seem to pull any tricks or anything like that. You know, you've always got your eye on merchants, but she seems, uh, quite deliberate with counting and, um, whether or not it's for her or for you, everybody knows what's being exchanged. Are there any more questions that you guys want to ask her before you leave?
Crit:
[34:51] I actually had a question for you.
Dylan:
[34:54] Oh, yes? My dear?
Crit:
[34:56] So, I'm trying to track down a lead on a case related to a lot of my squires that have died and or gone missing.
Dylan:
[35:05] Oh, how tragic.
Crit:
[35:06] Yeah, I'm sure you've heard. Yeah, so one of the suspects was seen with, she's a woman, and she was seen with a device attached to her groin region that allowed her to weaponize her pelvic thrusts in a penetrative fashion. And I wanted to know if you knew more about that sort of equipment, if you're a peddler of such devices.
Dylan:
[35:39] Jangling step kind of smiles a bit and uh this yes very uh thorough investigation you're doing i i i have sold devices such as this in the past there is uh occasionally i will bring some things up from the ribbon that catch the eye of those here you know there's not only such devices you describe but others that lock you in you know until a spell phrase or a key item can be used to remove the item all kinds generally from the ribbon yes interesting, Yes, even the so-called Covenant of Purity buys these items.
Crit:
[36:30] Ah, yes. I see. Understood. Thank you for the tip. Do you happen to have any of these items in stock currently? Just for research purposes, I can compare with the perpetrator that I have in mind.
Dylan:
[36:48] Well, unfortunately, I do not. I was quite cleaned out at dawn's light.
Crit:
[36:57] I see.
Dylan:
[36:58] You'd be surprised how many people enjoy such things. But I can keep an eye out, so to speak.
Crit:
[37:10] I'm not curious about that at all.
Dylan:
[37:12] You start kind of like wondering to yourself. It seems like the transaction's wrapping up, and there's some other people who are coming up who are trying to get Jangling Step's attention. But she nods to both of you, wishes you a good evening, and hopes to see you soon.
Cap:
[37:36] Thank you. Thank you for everything. You have a wonderful night.
Dylan:
[37:39] You as well, dear. We have many stories to tell.
Cap:
[37:43] Oh, I am sure.
Dylan:
[37:47] So, you guys get your stuff. You go to leave? Do you go to bring it back to Thea's house?
Cap:
[37:56] Yeah, I guess. Or, well, yeah, I want to get Syl.
Crit:
[38:00] Yeah, yeah.
Cap:
[38:03] I feel like she'd be put out if we didn't tell her this shit.
Crit:
[38:07] Tell her that Jang-Ling steps in town?
Cap:
[38:09] Well, I'm sure she knows.
Crit:
[38:11] Yeah, yeah.
Cap:
[38:11] She steps in town. I mostly mean fucking our shenanigans. Oh, and the organ.
Crit:
[38:16] Yeah. Oh, and the past.
Cap:
[38:17] The organ and the new chapter. We have a new chapter as well.
Crit:
[38:21] Yes.
Cap:
[38:21] So we can tell her what the other one said and have new information. Yeah. I'm going to spin it that way. That's how we're going to do it. Quite the morning. I forgot everything. So, yeah, I'm going to swing by cells real quick.
Dylan:
[38:37] Yeah, as you guys are leaving the market area, a couple of the guards that you would recognize as higher-ups, one of them is Jace.
Crit:
[38:48] Oh, God damn it.
Dylan:
[38:50] And then, you know, Billiam.
Crit:
[38:53] Billiam.
Dylan:
[38:54] That was his name. The other supervisor. Billiam and Jace approach you very urgently, But, you know, with respect, they look like they're marching in a respectful way towards you, but they're in a very hurried gait. All right. So you stand like, you know, a commander. They walk right up to you and Asterisk and they both bow in a flourish and then kneel before you. and the bilium, he kind of looks up nervously but then lowers his face again and he says, oh, we didn't hear you were coming, my lord. We were very curious to see what all the ruckus was about with the requisitions officer. There's all kinds of stories to be told or to be heard. rather and uh well you know the abbess and uh the father vesper they're both very curious it's why you're here there was no no word no rider nothing uh what what what is it that you're doing what and they look over at uh thea jace and they're like my lord.
Crit:
[40:15] It was an unplanned stop.
Dylan:
[40:18] Unplanned stop. We were told that you're not meant to come northward for at least a season.
Crit:
[40:26] My travels led me elsewhere.
Dylan:
[40:28] Yes, of course. As you can see. My lord, yes, of course. They just seem very flustered and stressed out. You know, like they're in trouble. Because Abba Serafina and Father Vesper both are probably demanding to know what's going on, you know, especially so sudden and under such peculiar circumstances.
Crit:
[40:52] Right, which I should know circumstances by now because we have our story straight, which is...
Cap:
[40:59] And I've been singing them.
Dylan:
[41:00] Well, they're not asking for the story.
Crit:
[41:03] Oh, okay.
Dylan:
[41:04] So, sorry, they go on. And so, my lord, of course, yes, we do not mean to question you. You can go wherever you please. I mean, you're a legend. But, you know, to us, you know, but, you know, Abba Serafina and Father Vesper, they want an audience, I believe. And, you know, whenever you can. Obviously, it's night right now. So, perhaps first thing in the morning, right before service, we could do the color ceremony, and perhaps you could lead the guards and the knights-to-be on a royal procession of some sort. I mean, it's really not, we were just hopeful, you know.
Crit:
[41:47] Yeah, I could totally do that. Yeah.
Dylan:
[41:50] It seems you are expected in the morning.
Crit:
[41:53] Yeah, I see.
Dylan:
[41:54] Before service. You as Sir Merriam.
Crit:
[41:57] Yeah. All right. Um, I see. Uh, that seems fine. Don't expect much fanfare. I'm clearly in mourning.
Dylan:
[42:14] Mourning. So it's true what they say. All of them.
Crit:
[42:18] Every one.
Dylan:
[42:20] Wow. Someday you'll have to tell us. Jeez, head's on. Shut up. Well, I just want to know, why does he have so many? No, shut up. My lord, yes, if it please you. And he like bows again and comes up from his kneeling position bowing and then sort of starts to walk away. This one, in the morning, you're going to be under much more scrutiny from Father Vesper and the Abbas.
Crit:
[42:53] Yeah.
Dylan:
[42:54] You know, they're going to know what the colors are exactly. They're going to know what your plans are or Sir Merriam's plans.
Crit:
[43:06] Right.
Dylan:
[43:07] You know, that kind of thing. um and you'll probably be expected to take your helmet off oh.
Cap:
[43:13] It's stuck on sorry it's cursed it's cursed to stay on my face and.
Dylan:
[43:20] So like these stories work on you know the folk in the market yeah but uh abba seraphina and father vesper are intelligent people you know they've.
Crit:
[43:33] Seen an Asterix before.
Dylan:
[43:35] And if you think about it, you know, Asterix just recently quit right before all of this happened. And then this paladin was seen hanging out with Asterix's new best friend, the corrupting Tiefling.
Cap:
[43:54] Oh, shit. Yeah.
Crit:
[43:56] Are they gone? They left?
Dylan:
[43:58] Yeah, they're gone.
Crit:
[43:59] We're alone? Yeah, I think we have to leave town.
Cap:
[44:02] What?
Crit:
[44:05] I think we have to go. I think the jig is up.
Dylan:
[44:11] It's not super urgent.
Crit:
[44:14] I don't, yeah, I just don't think we can be here in the morning if they expect to see me as Sir Merriam and meet with me.
Cap:
[44:27] I mean, we could always stow the armor and be like, Sir who? They left.
Crit:
[44:33] They left, that's right.
Cap:
[44:34] Or, I mean, I mean, what's really keeping us here?
Dylan:
[44:43] Here's a caress. Come to me.
Cap:
[44:51] I mean, like, yeah, like I've got a job and strangely the respect or at least interest of a lot of the people here. It's cushy. i've never been this comfortable before but seems like it's time are you okay with that i.
Crit:
[45:12] Know you have like i mean you you've got i mean look at that look at that bathtub.
Cap:
[45:18] I know i'm gonna miss that tub i mean yeah i'll have to um there's there's some loose ends i'll have to tie up i'll I'll have to let Mama Grizz know that I will not be making her bank anymore. Wonder if she's going to be fucking pissed at me about that. I've got to talk to Syl. Gilt said that he could take me north if I needed it, so maybe he can get us the fuck out of here.
Crit:
[45:50] Yeah, and maybe we can figure out more about this situation with you and the and your crown and the governor's penis yeah.
Cap:
[46:02] I'm gonna wiggle the statue and i'm just like i had to buy this thing.
Dylan:
[46:10] It feels like it throbs in your hand.
Crit:
[46:14] How big is it?
Dylan:
[46:15] Magically.
Crit:
[46:16] Is it girthy?
Dylan:
[46:17] It feels really nice to hold.
Cap:
[46:19] But would it feel even better if I had a free hand and it was between my boobs?
Dylan:
[46:25] It'd feel great. Okay. Yeah.
Cap:
[46:28] It will fit. Excellent. I'm going to nestle that in there so that I have my hands.
Crit:
[46:34] It's like a little, I don't know, a little plushy or something.
Dylan:
[46:37] Right.
Cap:
[46:37] But the the pull the pull is getting stronger um the feeling likes that we're leaving i can't help but feel like this is where at least i'm going and i hope i mean you don't have to come with me on this fairy journey i.
Crit:
[47:07] Mean there's nothing for me here you can i i have all of my earthly possessions with me now and i think you're the only real friend i've really made here so.
Cap:
[47:20] Well we're by sill's house so we should let her know She might have an idea of how to execute this fairly seamlessly. I think this plan will work.
Crit:
[47:35] I trust Syl, too. I think we should go to Syl's house. I agree.
Dylan:
[47:43] So you both head towards Drusilla's place down by the river. you get there in the old familiar tree stump stone the knockers, You knock thumpingly on the door, and after a moment, Drusilla opens the door, greets you. She looks back and forth between Asteris and Thea quickly, and then smiles deeply, wolfishly. uh again please shippers come inside gestures very flamboyantly for you to.
Crit:
[48:30] Oh yeah do i have my helmet on is am i i.
Cap:
[48:33] Mean if we're outside probably yeah.
Crit:
[48:35] Okay i'm gonna take it off like as soon as we get inside oh my.
Cap:
[48:41] God it's hot in there.
Dylan:
[48:44] Uh yeah you hear uh drusilla chuckle when you take it off oh.
Crit:
[48:49] She could tell she knew i.
Dylan:
[48:52] Mean who else would show up i assume you tied the horse up on a you know on a uh.
Crit:
[48:59] Yeah did we bring our cart or just the one horse or both horses.
Dylan:
[49:03] You just brought it you just brought a horse okay um and the horse has a saddlebag we'll say so you have your stuff in there tied her up outside yeah drusilla leads you in um sit around the familiar coffee table and uh She sets some teacups around and grabs the kettle and walks back towards the table. So, have we had an interesting day?
Crit:
[49:30] You could say that.
Cap:
[49:32] You could say that.
Crit:
[49:34] Yeah, things just get more and more interesting, don't they?
Cap:
[49:41] Progressively.
Crit:
[49:42] Yeah.
Dylan:
[49:43] They sure seem to.
Crit:
[49:45] Things really escalate.
Dylan:
[49:47] Oh, I like when you are together.
Crit:
[49:50] Yeah.
Cap:
[49:51] We're... Uh, so, we, um... We got to get out of town.
Dylan:
[49:59] She claps and laughs loudly. Oh, please tell.
Crit:
[50:08] Well, so I quit. I think you can see Asterisk. I got a new outfit, I guess. And so I've been telling people that I'm a pal. I'm someone that I'm not.
Dylan:
[50:21] Yes, I have heard that Sir Merriam was in town suddenly.
Crit:
[50:26] Very suddenly and without a retinue.
Dylan:
[50:30] Yes, all kinds of stories swirling around. I'm so proud of you. Proud of you both. She winks at you. Well, I suppose you came to ask my advice on how to get out of here. I'm sure you know how to do that.
Cap:
[50:46] I mean, I didn't want to leave without seeing you.
Dylan:
[50:50] Oh, I appreciate it. But, yes, I can smooth things over for you over the chalice, you know.
Cap:
[51:02] Yeah. Sell my house. Give it to Mama Grizz.
Dylan:
[51:07] That's my house now.
Cap:
[51:08] Oh, sure. That's also fine.
Dylan:
[51:11] Yeah, she flutters her eyelashes when she says that to you. Yeah, I've had my eye on that hill for a little while.
Cap:
[51:20] Oh, fantastic. Honestly, that makes me feel a lot better knowing that it'll be in good hands.
Dylan:
[51:25] I love that house. Very good hands.
Cap:
[51:27] I've never had a house before. I'll miss that house. Anyway.
Dylan:
[51:33] I'd like to say it'll be just as you left it, but it won't. And you probably won't return.
Cap:
[51:40] Who knows?
Dylan:
[51:43] Oh, you little corrupt, are you? The tales are true, you know. Look at you. Look at us.
Cap:
[51:48] I know, we're very bad.
Dylan:
[51:51] I was off to go see Jangling Step in about an hour or two. Have you already seen her?
Cap:
[51:59] Oh my gosh, she's so cool.
Crit:
[52:01] She's lovely.
Cap:
[52:03] We bought a lot of stuff. I just dropped a sizable amount of coin with Jangling Step.
Dylan:
[52:08] Oh, good. Hopefully some fun items.
Cap:
[52:12] Yes. Oh, so... Oh, Syl, I have a book to show you. I'm going to take out the chapter that Jangling Step just sold me. I'm going to be like, so I traded her for... the first like chapter of this which i can explain to you in great detail.
Dylan:
[52:32] I'm gonna say that jangling step traded that or gave it to you so long as you read her the first chapter and let you keep it same with the lilithite fashion um thing you got she didn't ever really want to get rid of it uh because she loved it and she always made people read it to her um but she'd be willing to give it to you if you'd read it to her one last time and to let her know if you ever found a full copy this.
Cap:
[53:01] The first chapter was in that house that burned down the other night.
Dylan:
[53:04] Oh yes she um takes the dilapidated pages from you and starts skimming it's like this is wonderful and the fates would have it you would just find the next few chapters How strange. She slides the book back, or the pages back. Please let me know when you find more and what you find out.
Cap:
[53:29] Have you read it? Do you know of it?
Dylan:
[53:32] I've heard of it, but I haven't ever been able to track down a whole book, and I'm not one to read in scraps, I guess. But please let me know if you put it all together. I absolutely will. I'd love to read it front to back.
Cap:
[53:47] I hope I find it. um i think i um i think i figured out who the secret admirer might be and i wiggle my boobs and the statue in my cleavage at self titillating she laughs um.
Dylan:
[54:05] You can't be serious.
Cap:
[54:08] I had to buy this thing like i have never had to buy something in my life she.
Dylan:
[54:15] Looks at you you meaningfully in almost, jealously as in silence for a moment as she looks between your breasts and up to your eyes and she says sugar horns if that's true you're so so blessed what.
Cap:
[54:36] Do you know that i don't.
Dylan:
[54:37] Oh he runs everything up there he is the king he's the king of the courts the the The king.
Cap:
[54:50] Wow. What?
Dylan:
[54:52] Don't get your hopes up, though.
Cap:
[54:54] It's gotta be fucking with me, right? That can't be true.
Dylan:
[54:57] Probably not. She looks kind of annoyed.
Cap:
[55:02] Maybe it's gotta, like, that doesn't, it's gotta be a fucking, that's bullshit. It's gotta be, it's gotta be a trick.
Dylan:
[55:09] You're probably right.
Cap:
[55:11] The voice did like that I was leaving, though. Which is strange. range it's never been that um clear maybe it's like the closest i've heard to real words usually i can't quite make it out and it's just a feeling.
Dylan:
[55:26] Follow those damn voices and do let me know if, oberon is the one sending you those gifts you can return whenever you feel like it yeah oh yes his protection oh that of a god wow one of the gods that fled this realm of course it's probably some jackal faced thing but one could hope.
Crit:
[56:02] Astros is a little jealous at the like protecting her bitch like i'm i was doing a fine job thank.
Dylan:
[56:11] She's jealous you know and she's being a bitch um but she's you know not turning it on all the way she's just kind of she's.
Cap:
[56:20] Not because she does like me.
Dylan:
[56:21] Yeah um envious i guess is the word i.
Cap:
[56:26] Mean that's fair you're gonna love this i've gotta get fucking guilt to get me out of this city how fucking mean is that i feel like the meanest bitch in the entire town asking him to do that.
Dylan:
[56:41] Her uh kind of cold exterior cracks and softens immediately and she scoots over to you and puts her hand around you and holds you and she says no sweetheart it'll be just fine, that's what men like him are built for he's.
Cap:
[57:04] Always been so nice oh.
Dylan:
[57:05] Yeah what a sweetheart she bites her lip um you go get him you know where to find him he's over by uh, You know the Derry Butterfields Ranch?
Cap:
[57:25] Ah, yes.
Dylan:
[57:26] He has a yurt, some situation out there.
Cap:
[57:31] Of course he does.
Dylan:
[57:32] You can find him either probably now or early morning.
Cap:
[57:36] When do you want to leave, Asteris?
Crit:
[57:40] The morning, I think sounds right. Let's be rested.
Cap:
[57:45] Okay, first light? All right.
Dylan:
[57:48] Much earlier, I would say.
Cap:
[57:50] Much earlier?
Dylan:
[57:51] Yes, if you want to catch Gilt before he leaves for the hunt, you'd have to get there around 3 a.m.
Crit:
[57:56] All right.
Cap:
[57:57] Well, we're on Gilt's time. All right.
Dylan:
[58:00] Okay. Well, in all seriousness, I am hoping the best for you, and please, if any of that is true, and she stares at that figurine again, or what you think she's staring at, put in a good word for me.
Cap:
[58:13] Absolutely. You're a bestie.
Dylan:
[58:17] She looks over to Asterix and smiles again and looks her up and down. I love where you're headed. She bites her lip and takes you by the hand and pulls you. And then Thea as well. And she's like, okay, I'll smooth things over and try to give you as much time as I can. Just go to your place, do what you need, and try not to make a scene on the way or on the way out.
Crit:
[58:48] Stealthy noted good.
Dylan:
[58:50] Luck and i'm sure i'll see you again and you too i can't wait to hear the songs, she uh brings you in for a hug and gives you a very thorough examination and then pulls astris in for a hug and gives her the same a good frisking before um leading you out she kisses is each of you on the cheek and then closes the door thanks.
Crit:
[59:19] For everything still.
Cap:
[59:19] I'm gonna miss that bitch, All right. The helmet back on, Paladin?
Crit:
[59:26] Let's go.
Dylan:
[59:29] All right.
Cap:
[59:29] All right.
Dylan:
[59:30] So yeah, you guys leave Sils and head towards Thea's. Yes. All right. Okay. Yeah, on your way back, roll a perception check. Both of you.
Cap:
[59:40] Oh, I am going to have my eyes out for the coyote. I have something to give it after I have... I need to do a thing and then I have a gift.
Crit:
[59:50] 22. Oh.
Cap:
[59:53] Okay i rolled a 17 plus 2 19 all.
Dylan:
[59:59] Right so on your way back you guys are heading up uh you cut across the main drag and then up into the residential areas of the northwest part of town you're kind of on edge you know you're about to skip town uh you know you're not completely blown yet but you You know, the clock is ticking. So you're on high alert, both of you. As you're crossing the main drag and going into the residential areas, you couldn't help but to notice a small shadow, a little black shadow that's going from rooftop to rooftop, down little alleyways and whatnot, following you both.
Cap:
[1:00:39] Nixie.
Crit:
[1:00:40] Watch out, someone's following us.
Cap:
[1:00:42] What? Oh, no. No, that's the cat.
Dylan:
[1:00:45] Yeah. You're like, okay, that makes sense because it looks just like a cat.
Crit:
[1:00:49] The cat's cool, right?
Dylan:
[1:00:50] So, you're like walking and like you notice him and you're like, oh, hey. Kind of disappears when you notice him. And then like as you keep looking, he's still there. He's just being a lot more stealthy. So, he doesn't come out. You know, you're being followed.
Cap:
[1:01:09] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:01:11] So you head back and you get back home, tie up the horse, leave out some feed for them or whatever, and head inside to get your packing done and all that kind of stuff.
Cap:
[1:01:28] Before the night's over, I do want her to take a long strand of willow branch, and she's going to weave it into what she hopes is a mostly universal-sized woven ring of willow reed.
Dylan:
[1:01:49] Okay. Like the size of the ring of flowers?
Cap:
[1:01:55] Hours yeah sure we'll make a match i guess that makes sense all right she's gonna leave it out front where the rabbit was left and she's gonna put it down and be like all right coyote come come and get this she's gonna put it down okay.
Dylan:
[1:02:14] So you guys um turn in for the night frantic packing.
Crit:
[1:02:18] Yeah do you have like a guest couch do you have like a cot.
Cap:
[1:02:21] On the instrument Do I just.
Crit:
[1:02:23] Like, sleep with you?
Cap:
[1:02:25] Yeah, bed's big. Just hop in.
Dylan:
[1:02:27] Yeah, the bed's really nice. It is. A lot of things are nice on purpose.
Cap:
[1:02:33] I won't miss this bed.
Dylan:
[1:02:35] And you're going to miss them. Yeah. You haven't been on the road in a long time.
Crit:
[1:02:39] Yep.
Dylan:
[1:02:42] Theo, you know, it's mostly what you're used to, but you're starting to grow accustomed to the cush life.
Cap:
[1:02:50] Getting cozy.
Dylan:
[1:02:51] Being a little local celebrity you'll still be famous but maybe for other reasons now.
Cap:
[1:02:59] I feel like Theo's just like staring wide-eyed at the fucking ceiling like, Ugh!
Dylan:
[1:03:04] So, you guys pack up. Put everything on the cart in the lock boxes. So you got the finest haven had to offer. Yeah, it's early. It's about 2.30 in the morning. The moon is hanging in the sky. And you head out towards the Butterfield direction. Yeah, you could cut through fields. it'd be like slower a little bit slower and rough going but um you know no one would see you leave um so you can ride in the cart you can ride on a horse um i.
Cap:
[1:03:41] Guess i'll drive the cart i guess.
Dylan:
[1:03:42] Yeah nice.
Cap:
[1:03:44] It may it would make i feel like it makes more sense for the paladin to be on the horse yeah.
Crit:
[1:03:48] Like visually yeah for.
Cap:
[1:03:49] Appearances yeah exactly oh i am your cart bard that's right.
Dylan:
[1:03:55] All right. So you're riding in the cart and it takes about an hour to get over there. And you come up on the property. Obviously, this is more grazing land. You see the dairy cows and you see the yurt way off in the distance. But roll a perception check, both of you.
Crit:
[1:04:20] 16.
Cap:
[1:04:22] 17.
Dylan:
[1:04:22] Alright there's a small road that you know the property road over to your left and that's the road proper and you see a figure walking down the road up to the property um it's dark and it's hard to tell but it's a pretty big uh looks like a man broad shouldered well muscled but it's hard to tell more than silhouette so you both noticed that so about About 10 minutes later, you know, it's quiet. Everything's asleep. You know, you might hear frogs and that kind of stuff. But from the Butterfield estate, you start to hear sounds.
Cap:
[1:05:12] What kind of sounds?
Dylan:
[1:05:15] Muffled, groaning. Thea, it sounds like sex.
Cap:
[1:05:18] Oh, okay. Cool. Good for them.
Crit:
[1:05:21] Oh, no. Is someone getting hurt?
Cap:
[1:05:24] Oh, no, honey. The opposite.
Crit:
[1:05:27] What? Are you sure they're okay?
Cap:
[1:05:32] Yeah like listen i wish i was one of them.
Crit:
[1:05:35] Are you at risk of self-harm do you are you okay honey.
Cap:
[1:05:39] Honey they're just having sex.
Crit:
[1:05:41] What, that's not what, well all right maybe that explains some things.
Dylan:
[1:05:53] Yeah thinking about it you know it hadn't really occurred to you that people would be having sex um all those times that it could have been because you know it couldn't be that common or that uh you.
Crit:
[1:06:09] Know brazen.
Dylan:
[1:06:10] Or public you.
Crit:
[1:06:11] Know a lot of sex yeah.
Dylan:
[1:06:12] It's.
Cap:
[1:06:13] A lot of sex.
Dylan:
[1:06:14] But you know just the way thea put it like oh they're just having sex.
Crit:
[1:06:17] Sounds so casual even so it can be hmm you don't think what the governor was doing with the um with the item on on the woman's pelvis you don't think that was sex do you oh.
Cap:
[1:06:38] Oh it absolutely was and.
Crit:
[1:06:41] So what we were doing in front of sale we were we were we were pantomiming sex.
Cap:
[1:06:49] Oh, I didn't realize you didn't know.
Crit:
[1:06:54] I just feel like I probably should have.
Cap:
[1:06:56] Of course you didn't. I mean... Yeah, I guess if you didn't have a chance in that cloister?
Crit:
[1:07:10] Well, you know, I...
Cap:
[1:07:12] That weird religious life. Don't understand it.
Crit:
[1:07:14] Yeah, no, it just seems like I know a lot more about sex than I thought I did, even. look at you yeah it's surprising i guess.
Dylan:
[1:07:24] Yeah so you guys are catching up on sex culture yeah um and turns out.
Crit:
[1:07:33] Sex is more than just penis and vagina insertion to make a baby who knew.
Dylan:
[1:07:38] Yeah sex.
Cap:
[1:07:39] Is a lot of different things wow so.
Dylan:
[1:07:42] You guys are trudging up the path and while you're having this conversation you're hearing you know like loud moans and exultations of pleasure.
Crit:
[1:07:54] Still? That's still sex? That too?
Cap:
[1:07:58] Yeah. Really good shit if what they're saying is, well, if they're not lying.
Crit:
[1:08:04] Huh.
Dylan:
[1:08:05] Yeah. That sounds genuine, to say the least.
Cap:
[1:08:09] Yeah. Damn. Damn.
Dylan:
[1:08:12] You get closer to the yurt and you see, Gil Thaneil out front and he's looks like he's piling up some wood that he might have just chopped you know he's he's a little sweaty and out of it you know and he's got his shirt off but under the moonlight it looks pretty good as you approach on the horses he you know he looks up he sees you from quite a ways away uh he stops and walks over to to both you raising his hand and as he gets closer he's, it's like thea uh what's going on i need.
Cap:
[1:09:02] You to get us out of here.
Dylan:
[1:09:03] You and Oh.
Cap:
[1:09:06] This is Asterisk.
Crit:
[1:09:08] It's me.
Dylan:
[1:09:10] So you like give him a peek.
Crit:
[1:09:13] Give him a little peep show. I flash him in my face.
Dylan:
[1:09:15] Yeah. His eyebrows raise. He's like, I see. You need to get out of town for good. I don't know how it could help. What do you need? I need Where are you trying to go?
Cap:
[1:09:35] North.
Dylan:
[1:09:37] North, of course.
Cap:
[1:09:38] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:09:39] Yes. Um, well, I can take you north. Uh, there's, I can only take you so far.
Cap:
[1:09:50] That's fine.
Dylan:
[1:09:51] And I can point you in the right direction and tell you the danger that you may face. I, uh, nobody's hurt, are they?
Cap:
[1:10:03] No, not yet anyway.
Dylan:
[1:10:06] Okay, good. I just.
Crit:
[1:10:08] Yeah, not physically.
Dylan:
[1:10:09] Not sure what to make of what's going on here, but as long as nobody's been hurt.
Cap:
[1:10:14] No, we, so, Astris quit her job and shit just got a little bit out of hand, and now we need to leave.
Dylan:
[1:10:26] All right. That's fair. I can't imagine they treated you very well, Astris.
Crit:
[1:10:33] Yeah i think it kind of all dawned on me at the same time and um yeah i might have gotten a little carried away.
Dylan:
[1:10:42] Oh we all have our moments.
Crit:
[1:10:46] Yeah we'll call it that a moment definitely not definitely not not passing though doesn't seem like a passing moment.
Dylan:
[1:10:54] Really so you guys can see from your horse and cart bone jaws over by the yurt staying he's a good boy and uh gilthaniel you know he he looks a little surprised he looks a little it's not amused but maybe just uh you know thrown a bit by the absurdity um but he doesn't ask any questions um and aside from if anyone was hurt and he asks you to follow him he'll take you into the forest and as you guys lead the way.
Crit:
[1:11:33] Love to watch.
Dylan:
[1:11:34] Get to a trail that most hunters enter he informs you this cart is going to be hard to bring the further north you go you may have to, leave it or it will be slow going, it will be a hindrance but it's It's not a liability, just a warning.
Crit:
[1:12:01] And the horses?
Dylan:
[1:12:04] Keep the horses out of the thorny bushes. They tend to know where to walk, but in the thickest parts, it'd be best to just walk alongside them.
Dylan:
[1:12:21] So you travel deeper into the forest and behind you, the horizon is starting to glow a bit as a sunrise is coming and it seems to get darker ahead. It was more of a twilight darkness, not a midnight darkness, but a haze, a fog of twilight things.
Dylan:
[1:12:51] Don't have shadows or they do they're in the wrong places occasionally the path gets a little tighter and a little less smooth the deeper you go through the fog above you it's like the the swirling, vortex and canvas of colors above you is not only getting more vivid and brighter but it's like the The sky is getting closer to you. Further north you go. The leaves, as you walk by and ruffle them, make a swirling pattern in the mist and the air that stays and dances and makes these shapes. As you venture further, the road forks into three paths and Gilthaniel stops here. and he tells you this is about as far as I can take you I don't know much of what's further on.
Dylan:
[1:13:59] Only legends, and I don't wish to scare you because I haven't confirmed it myself, but be wary and be prepared. I believe the center path is directly north and you're left and right, respectively northwest and northeast, but directions don't really mean much at this point. So whereas you're thinking you're taking a straight line somewhere, you might be going the opposite direction. Here, the rules change.
Cap:
[1:14:31] What's to guide us, then?
Dylan:
[1:14:33] Your instincts and whatever has guided you here so far can help you. Fate operates on a higher level here.
Crit:
[1:14:44] Ooh, that gave me chills.
Cap:
[1:14:46] Interesting.
Dylan:
[1:14:47] I wish you the best of luck, Thea, Sir Asteris. He smiles.
Cap:
[1:14:54] Thank you, Gil.
Dylan:
[1:14:55] And if you make your way out of here, my way, stop by and maybe we'll see each other again.
Cap:
[1:15:04] I'd like that.
Dylan:
[1:15:05] Be safe. Be wary.
Cap:
[1:15:08] You too.
Crit:
[1:15:08] You too, Gilt. I smack him on the ass in like a baseball way. It's a normal thing that we do.
Dylan:
[1:15:15] He looks shocked at first, but then he matches your smile.
Cap:
[1:15:23] He gives you the thumbs up.
Dylan:
[1:15:26] Three paths lay before you. One straight ahead, straight north, or so it seems. The paths look a bit different down which way they look, almost like a mirror image or something or mirage of what's to come. Down the straight path ahead of you, you see stone mountain tips and you see crags caverns and cave depths all kind of like a scene you would see a mountain on top reflecting on a lake beneath it but the reflection is the caves and caverns beneath the path to the northeast to the right looks like a swamp or a bog and as you look further you'll see fairy lights uh will-o'-wisps uh you see them dancing among what seems like an endless sprawl of willow trees.
Dylan:
[1:16:42] To the left, to the northwest, you see what looks like a cross-section of a building, so several floors like a dollhouse, but nothing looks right. There's stairs on the ceiling doors that lead to nowhere all of the pieces uh little brooms and pots and brick-a-brack beds and everything they look like they're turned from a human or an animal into what it currently is gross so you have a decision to make my.
Cap:
[1:17:26] God i'm gonna I'm going to rummage around in the cart and find the Oberon statue. I'm going to hold it up and be like, all right, man, I need you to tell me where to go.
Dylan:
[1:17:42] When you pick it up, you feel it like a heat in your hands, so hotter than you would think it would be. You feel a general pleasure from where you are already, from being here, going as far as you have. You feel some of the waves as you hold out this idol. It seems like it can't really decide, until eventually it chooses between the two and then points straight ahead.
Cap:
[1:18:22] Straight ahead it is.
Crit:
[1:18:24] Love it.
Cap:
[1:18:26] All right. For that, you'll go back in here. Guilt's not here, so we can put it back in the cleavage. That would have been too mean.
Dylan:
[1:18:34] Yeah. Sorry, Daddy.
Crit:
[1:18:36] Sorry.
Dylan:
[1:18:38] All right. So you guys head towards the mountainous, craggular, cavernous path.
Crit:
[1:18:45] Yes, we're on the craggular way.
Dylan:
[1:18:47] Yeah. The aggro cragg.
Cap:
[1:18:49] The craggular way with the caves under the mountain.
Dylan:
[1:18:52] Yeah. Yeah.
Crit:
[1:18:53] It doesn't sound foreboding or spooky at all.
Dylan:
[1:18:56] Once you take this path, you start walking down. It feels like the seasons are changing around you, but in subtle and swift ways. You'll get a chill around one bend of winter and then the warmth of a dry summer around another. And one thing you did both notice is that after a few hundred feet walking down the path, when you look back, um, the path back doesn't look like it did going in. It looks like a, uh, a hillside path.
Crit:
[1:19:38] Oh, man. Oh, great.
Dylan:
[1:19:41] Yeah, it's a strange place. You eventually come around a bend where it just goes into a straightaway trail that's unnaturally straight. And on the left hand side is sand dunes with palm trees littered all over them. And what looks like coconuts, um, coconut fruit on the trees and on the ground. And on the right is more like a tropical rainforest. Uh, like something you'd see on the side of the road of the big island in Hawaii.
Cap:
[1:20:23] It's just like writing all of this down and like trying to sketch weird shit that she sees. She's just like in her journal as the wagon's going. Like, what the fuck is all this?
Dylan:
[1:20:34] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:20:35] Just trying to document as much of this as possible.
Dylan:
[1:20:38] After a time walking past these two sides of the road for a while, you notice a path split off to the right into the more lush tropical parts. and over there you can hear a waterfall and you can see the spray from it and the rainbow that's sort of coming out between the leaves in the background. It looks very inviting and nice. If you put your hand on your chest and consult the idol...
Cap:
[1:21:17] The breast idol.
Dylan:
[1:21:19] It seems responsive, you know? it throbs a bit when you're looking down the right-hand path.
Cap:
[1:21:26] All right. We go right.
Dylan:
[1:21:29] You say that out loud. You're like, let's go right. And what's Asterisk making all this?
Crit:
[1:21:36] So there's jungly and then kind of desert-y on the left. I mean, I'm fucking amazed. I don't think I've seen two places total in my whole life. So I guess three if you count that one time I left. um dawn's light and got injured so um yeah this is pretty fucking wowsers.
Dylan:
[1:22:00] Yeah you are definitely leaning on your composure as a soldier yeah.
Crit:
[1:22:07] I've definitely i think i've got my helmet off though so that i can like look around more um because like i'm just like pretty amazed makes.
Dylan:
[1:22:15] Sense yeah you're definitely taking it in it's wild and a lot of this stuff you know it's weird but it could be perfectly normal to you because you haven't been many places yeah, but Theo's reaction kind of confirms that things are not right it.
Cap:
[1:22:36] Is so we have never seen anything like this.
Crit:
[1:22:39] The air is like wet over here but like it's not, What is that?
Cap:
[1:22:47] Going to the right is going to make my hair look so much better.
Dylan:
[1:22:54] And as you go to the right, it's as if the path expands before you like a camera trick of zooming and moving at the same time.
Cap:
[1:23:08] Cool.
Dylan:
[1:23:09] And out in front of you is this huge expanse of just lush tropical forest and a waterfall to the left, a waterfall to the right, and then a bunch of little tiny waterfalls in this crescent around front of you. and it's giving off this huge cloud of fog and mist and through it, the sun is cutting and creating this vivid rainbow.
Dylan:
[1:23:43] That you've never seen one like it before. It looks like one you could touch. It doesn't waver in the light or the mist or anything. It's as if it's a permanent fixture made of color through this valley. You see this wonderful, beautiful valley, this rainbow, and you see that the path keeps turning along and it's around this cliffside. You can see over the edge towards this crescent where there's obviously a huge body of water at the bottom there, but it's covered in mist. You go further and it starts to head downward slow. You get more shade. The sun isn't out, But it is brighter than it was in the forest. As you go lower and lower, you start to lose sight of the sky due to the tree's canopy. But right before you do, you see a winged flying shape zip overhead.
Crit:
[1:24:51] Watch out.
Dylan:
[1:24:53] You know, several hundred feet up.
Cap:
[1:24:56] What was that?
Dylan:
[1:24:59] But just from the glimpse that both of you got, it looked like a dragon.
Crit:
[1:25:04] Holy shit.
Cap:
[1:25:07] Did it look like Glasswing?
Dylan:
[1:25:09] And then you hear a roar. Like a very bestial, loud, guttural roar. But on top of it, it's as if it's making every glass in a cabinet shake and shatter. and you hear these high-pitched smashing and tinkling noises amidst the roar.
Crit:
[1:25:35] Oh my god.
Dylan:
[1:25:36] I'll give you a perception check to see if you caught a good enough glimpse to see what color you're anymore identifying.
Crit:
[1:25:48] Wow.
Cap:
[1:25:49] Oof!
Crit:
[1:25:50] 22 again.
Cap:
[1:25:51] Four.
Dylan:
[1:25:54] Yeah, you have no idea. I don't know what's going on. The asterisk, it looked golden or bronze or copper, you know, golden or bronze as it reflected the light just right as it flew over swiftly.
Crit:
[1:26:10] Oh.
Dylan:
[1:26:11] Seems far away, but it seems like it could be near you at any point. Just circling around.
Crit:
[1:26:18] Fucking scared, dude.
Dylan:
[1:26:20] And crossing a little part of the road. road that has running water crossing just a little stream, so you slow down and you're getting the horses they're fine and you're just slowly getting the car to cross and I want you to both roll perception checks oh come on.
Cap:
[1:26:41] Dice don't fuck me again you've been so good all night, Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. What was that? Perception.
Crit:
[1:26:51] 13.
Dylan:
[1:26:52] 13? Yeah. As you're crossing the little creek, you see some stones fall down on the side of the hill next to you. And you look up and you see what can only be described as a three, three and a half foot tall creature with darker skin, sharp teeth in these large, broad mouths. and they have these reptilian kind of eyes and they seem to be carrying spears and whips with spade-like shapes on the end of them. And you notice them, and there's a lot of them chittering.
Crit:
[1:27:46] Oh, I want to get my morning star out real bad.
Dylan:
[1:27:51] And we roll initiative.
Crit:
[1:27:53] Oh, yay.
Cap:
[1:27:55] Oh, no.
Crit:
[1:27:57] Truly, truly.
Cap:
[1:28:01] Oh, no.
Crit:
[1:28:04] 15.
Cap:
[1:28:05] Seven.
Dylan:
[1:28:07] Asterisk, you can go first. before you is, a road that is winding down in a broad circular path that's sort of spiraling down towards the space and of water towards the foot of where the waterfalls end to your left is the hillside and to your right would be the cliffside okay, The creatures that you've just discovered are all on the cliffside to your left. And from what you can tell, there are many of them.
Crit:
[1:28:50] I hate going first because I'm always like, okay, but are they bad guys?
Dylan:
[1:28:55] They have weapons. And they look like they are about to attack.
Crit:
[1:29:00] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:29:01] That you can tell. You looked up just at the right time. If you hadn't, they would have jumped on both of you and gotten you by surprise. 15 feet away from you, which is 5 feet to your left and 10 feet up, is your closest enemy. There's one right next to him. And then 10 feet behind them are three more. And then you can sort of make out a few others that you think are hiding or getting into position.
Crit:
[1:29:30] Okay. And you said they have spears and whip knives?
Dylan:
[1:29:36] Whips, yeah. With a spade at the end of them.
Crit:
[1:29:41] They're coming downhill, so I feel like I should... God, the reach on the whip and spear is pretty annoying.
Dylan:
[1:29:53] The people with the spears look like they're about to throw them. They're more like javelins.
Crit:
[1:29:57] Oh, that's really annoying.
Dylan:
[1:29:59] And they've got whips on their side, too.
Crit:
[1:30:01] Okay, I see. I want to... Because I want to keep them from hitting Thea.
Cap:
[1:30:10] You're on the clock.
Crit:
[1:30:11] Yeah, it's important.
Dylan:
[1:30:14] You can jump.
Cap:
[1:30:16] Big ups.
Crit:
[1:30:18] Yeah, because ideally I would get within five feet central to all of them. um so that i can use my protection fighting style reaction um and give them disadvantage if they attack anything other than me uh so yeah i guess i i'd want to like like rush into the middle of it because they're you said they're like three and a half feet tall yeah okay yeah i want to like close as much distance as possible and like just get into the fray.
Dylan:
[1:30:52] So that would be you jumping off the horse and then or jumping from the horse doing.
Crit:
[1:31:04] A flip in the air up and up to which.
Dylan:
[1:31:09] You know that would give you five feet up so it's only ten feet away.
Crit:
[1:31:15] Right you.
Dylan:
[1:31:16] Could leap from the saddle over there.
Crit:
[1:31:20] Especially if I get slammed on the saddle that.
Dylan:
[1:31:23] Would just be your movement and then.
Crit:
[1:31:25] You could attack.
Dylan:
[1:31:25] So I'd have to see you roll yeah roll an athletics check awesome, one i.
Crit:
[1:31:35] Rolled a two it's a total of eight it's okay i had to roll bad sometime it's true.
Dylan:
[1:31:40] Uh yeah you don't you don't quite make it uh as you go to like get up and jump off the saddle or jump from the saddle your feet don't get enough purchase and you slip a bit you don't fall on your face but you don't quite make it to the lead to right where they are. You jumped about five. You jumped to the hills to the wall off the horse about five feet away.
Crit:
[1:32:10] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:32:11] If you wanted to attack. Yeah. You could exchange that standard action for a movement.
Crit:
[1:32:21] Yeah. Okay. I'll do that then. then that way I can encroach, you know, and do the protector thing on at least one or two.
Dylan:
[1:32:30] Sure. All right, so roll an athletics check.
Crit:
[1:32:34] I don't like it. I'm going to embarrass myself.
Cap:
[1:32:37] Come on, Lace.
Crit:
[1:32:39] All right, 12.
Dylan:
[1:32:41] All right. That's all you needed.
Cap:
[1:32:44] Oh, thank God.
Dylan:
[1:32:45] So what's your strength modifier?
Crit:
[1:32:48] Plus four.
Dylan:
[1:32:49] Okay. yeah so you you jump a good like four feet off the ground and then grab on and climb the rest of the way in like one big uh pull-up type motion oh.
Crit:
[1:33:03] So it's a wall not a hillside i thought they were like coming down the hillside.
Dylan:
[1:33:07] Well it's like this wall next to the the road and oh.
Crit:
[1:33:13] I see it's It's like a hill that kind of turns into like a cliff.
Dylan:
[1:33:17] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:33:17] For like the road has a cutout basically.
Dylan:
[1:33:19] Yeah. Okay.
Crit:
[1:33:20] Got it.
Dylan:
[1:33:20] Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.
Crit:
[1:33:21] No, no.
Dylan:
[1:33:23] So yeah, you're up there now and you are threatening them.
Crit:
[1:33:26] Awesome.
Dylan:
[1:33:27] All right. Now it is their turn.
Cap:
[1:33:31] No.
Crit:
[1:33:32] Oh God.
Dylan:
[1:33:33] Oh no. All right. One of them has a whip and the other one has a javelin.
Crit:
[1:33:40] I'll allow it.
Cap:
[1:33:45] You as a palate and that is your right, I'm allowing this tomfoolery.
Dylan:
[1:33:51] The one with the javelin throws it at you.
Crit:
[1:33:55] Wait, who?
Dylan:
[1:33:57] Asterisk. You know, like, it like screeches and jumps and throws the javelin right at you.
Crit:
[1:34:07] Some rowing reins.
Dylan:
[1:34:11] And doesn't quite get through your armor. you just like it throws it as you're like coming up to the side it throws it straight at your collarbone and you're like ting with your shield and the other one, just as terrified lashes out with its whip, I'm rolling good today boy here you go oh yeah AC20 I got a hit in oh shit hell yeah oh shit, All right, that is three damage. So the whip ineffectually almost wraps halfway around your neck, and then he pulls it back. But the head of the whip has some kind of blade or razor on it, and it caught some part between your helmet and your plate mail and cut you along the neck for three damage. Arthur, you are so awful.
Crit:
[1:35:20] I'm going to have to crate him next time. Oh, God, what is that?
Cap:
[1:35:29] That's a lot of dice.
Dylan:
[1:35:32] And then a whole bunch of javelins come flying your way.
Crit:
[1:35:41] Oh, my God.
Dylan:
[1:35:43] But they all just kind of clink off your arm or ineffectually. Like, you were like, oh, no, what am I going to do? And it all kind of tink, tink, tink, tink. And it's Thea's turn.
Cap:
[1:35:55] Oh, my God. gods i'm so impressed all right so i'm gonna i don't have my instrument or anything either so i'm gonna have to like i'm gonna roll into like the back of the wagon and like grab my instrument and uh vicious mockery the whatever one is closest to astros okay.
Dylan:
[1:36:20] Yeah she's got two.
Cap:
[1:36:21] I can see them there's.
Dylan:
[1:36:22] One that uh is holding a whip and the other one that just threw a javelin.
Cap:
[1:36:26] You know what? I'm going to go with the one with the whip, because if it threw the javelin, it no longer has the javelin. Yeah. So we're going to go with the whip.
Crit:
[1:36:35] I literally didn't even... I was still picturing them with javelins, like infinite javelins.
Cap:
[1:36:40] I mean, they might have more, but... You smart. You smart. So I'm going to viciously mock the one with the whip. It's a mean thing, and it'd get very sad.
Dylan:
[1:36:52] Are you compensating with that whip?
Crit:
[1:36:55] Yeah. looking a little limp it.
Cap:
[1:36:59] Must succeed a wisdom saving throw so it's gotta beat.
Dylan:
[1:37:06] 15 it fails it.
Cap:
[1:37:09] Takes three psychic damage and has disadvantage on its next attack roll.
Dylan:
[1:37:18] Nice fuck yeah uh yeah that one really messed it up uh first it it looked offended but it then was overcome with immeasurable pain looks like it's just experiencing the worst headache it's ever had that's right um you know squinting its eyes and you know grabbing its temple away, um yeah it looks pretty pretty messed up it's got shaky legs and everything thing uh asterisk it's your turn oh.
Crit:
[1:37:49] Hell yeah um can i hit that one am i in range of.
Dylan:
[1:37:53] Them yeah oh yeah melee range now i.
Crit:
[1:37:55] Want to hit that one put him out of his fucking misery.
Dylan:
[1:37:57] Um yeah.
Crit:
[1:38:00] Uh 12 uh.
Dylan:
[1:38:03] That that hits oh.
Crit:
[1:38:04] Thank god um, Six damage.
Dylan:
[1:38:10] All right. You hit it with the Morningstar?
Crit:
[1:38:14] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:38:17] Yeah, it no longer has a headache anymore because it doesn't really have a head. You just gave it a downward swing right on the top of its head.
Crit:
[1:38:27] Amazing.
Dylan:
[1:38:28] And it just popped like a grapefruit.
Cap:
[1:38:32] Nice.
Dylan:
[1:38:33] Sickening. But the screaming stopped At least from him The rest are screaming In rage That's.
Crit:
[1:38:44] Right that's what's coming Flee Is.
Dylan:
[1:38:48] That all you do That's all you can do Level one fighter.
Crit:
[1:38:54] I hit I hit him again.
Dylan:
[1:38:56] The one in front of you That threw his javelin Is going to run away and he's gonna provoke an attack of opportunity oh.
Crit:
[1:39:07] Yeah I saw that delicious, uh 18.
Dylan:
[1:39:15] 9 uh yeah it goes to run away, and you clip it right on right under its ear and it just goes limp it doesn't move anymore It was like one little tap The perfect kind of a hollow sound, And it just stopped It just collapsed like the strings were cut It was pretty brutal It was very efficient You didn't mean to hit it Like that hard I guess Like right there It wasn't messy or anything That was it Time to die Nah.
Dylan:
[1:40:15] Again you you know you just swiped that one that was running away and you're like oh it kind of felt bad and you look up and there's three times as many, javelins in the air holy shit and you brace yourself you kneel down and hold your shield up and And none of them even, like, stick to your shield. They all just clatter off of you. It's almost pathetic.
Cap:
[1:40:50] Oh, no.
Crit:
[1:40:53] Oh, no. These poor guys.
Dylan:
[1:40:56] These poor guys. Like, they're throwing sticks at you.
Crit:
[1:40:59] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:40:59] You're like, wait a minute. Like, yeah, they're sharpened. You're looking at them. You're like, sharpened. But, I mean.
Crit:
[1:41:04] What do you aim to do? What is your plan?
Cap:
[1:41:06] What is their plan?
Dylan:
[1:41:08] But they fucking got you with that whip.
Crit:
[1:41:11] Yeah, that was some bullshit.
Dylan:
[1:41:13] All right, it's Thea's turn.
Crit:
[1:41:15] How many whip dudes are there?
Dylan:
[1:41:16] They all have whips.
Crit:
[1:41:18] Oh, fuck. Whip is a sidearm.
Cap:
[1:41:20] Can I see?
Crit:
[1:41:20] Smart.
Cap:
[1:41:22] Can I see any from where I am now? Are they all still further back?
Dylan:
[1:41:26] Yeah, I mean, they're not hiding so much as they're, like, crouched. Okay. But there is, from what you can count, eight of them, you know, about 20 to 30 feet back. hidden behind shrubs or trees um looks like there's movement around like one of them's handing out what uh javelins or something so you're about 30 40 feet away from where they are okay.
Cap:
[1:41:54] All right um i'm gonna so i i'm gonna see if i can focus the one who's the one i think that's It's handing out weapons. I'm going to see if I can attack that one. I'm going to see if I can viciously mock that one.
Dylan:
[1:42:11] Okay. That one's going to be pretty far away and hard to get a bead on. Like, hey, you, skinny legs.
Cap:
[1:42:24] Hey, you, she's going to do you like she did your friend.
Crit:
[1:42:27] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:42:28] Yeah, watch out. And as you're getting a bead, a roar shatters through your chest and body from behind. And Asterix, you feel this too. It's so sudden and loud and hot.
Dylan:
[1:42:49] There's a sudden raise in temperature, 25 degrees at least. And this roar feels like it's shaking your bones. and the horses freak you know you hear them scream and you hear the.
Dylan:
[1:43:07] Creatures scream uh this high-pitched wail and you realize that you're also screaming both of you uh you can't tell which part of it uh you're in but there's you're screaming all together and everybody kind of everybody that is you uh asterisk thea and these creatures and the horses, all start running away in the opposite direction of where this roar came from. Thea, you have the opportunity here to try to hang on for dear life and stay on the cart with these horses that are running for their lives and they're not, you know, really thinking about a rider or anything or you could try to get off before they, go too fast because I imagine you were standing up on the cart looking at what's going on, kind of getting an eye on things and suddenly well there was a moment of freezing. Everybody froze in pure terror as the roar was going off and then after the roar was over everything started to go. So you had the opportunity to jump off or fall off or try to hang Hang on. Like, lower your weight all of a sudden.
Cap:
[1:44:34] Yeah. I can't leave you. I'm gonna jump off.
Dylan:
[1:44:37] All right. Let's have you roll a dex.
Cap:
[1:44:40] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:44:42] Dex save.
Cap:
[1:44:45] Ooh, natural 20.
Dylan:
[1:44:46] Oh, yeah.
Crit:
[1:44:47] Yay.
Dylan:
[1:44:47] No problem. As terrified as you are, the cart just starts to go, and you just, like, step off of it. Like, no problem. I'm like, ooh. Okay. It's gone.
Cap:
[1:45:00] No.
Dylan:
[1:45:01] You were already one foot off, I guess, you know, something like that. It was very smooth and easy for you. Yeah, your instinct now is to run and run towards safety, which is asterisk.
Cap:
[1:45:14] Yep.
Dylan:
[1:45:14] And asterisk, you're terrified, you want to run too, but you have a priority. See ya. And she's behind you and she's coming up the hill. Yeah. You want to help her climb up that hill?
Crit:
[1:45:33] Well, and the critters are running too, right? Yeah. Because I was like trying to be between her and them. But yeah, if we're running, then like, yeah, I'm like, let's fucking.
Dylan:
[1:45:42] Yeah. All right.
Crit:
[1:45:43] Like help her up the hill. Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:45:45] Yeah.
Crit:
[1:45:45] All right.
Cap:
[1:45:45] I give you my hand and I have my loot in my other hand. It's the only thing I have.
Crit:
[1:45:50] Oh, God. No, we have to leave all our stuff. All your stuff.
Dylan:
[1:45:54] All right. So roll a strength check.
Crit:
[1:45:57] Okay.
Dylan:
[1:45:59] Or an athletics.
Crit:
[1:46:01] Yeah, I'll do it. 21.
Dylan:
[1:46:04] All right. Yeah, she pulls you up and, you know, it's like, I've got you. Pulls you up one arm, you know, kind of like a big fluid yank and you're up on top and you're running. Off. So I imagine you're just running, running, running as fast as you possibly can. and uh the creatures are running too it looks like they're all running into the side of this hill here there's like an opening or something but it's not a huge opening it looks like it's um you know seven feet tall and only about three and a half feet wide so it looks like a uh a refuge they use here into.
Crit:
[1:46:50] The hole we.
Cap:
[1:46:51] Can kill them once we're inside into the.
Dylan:
[1:46:53] Land hole, shrieking and they look behind them and they see you guys running up catching up and they're shrieking even more got.
Cap:
[1:47:02] Them long legs.
Dylan:
[1:47:03] That's right you hear the beat of the wings somewhere around you. It's heavy and you can feel the downward pressure. It's putting on all of you and it's terrifying. You have no other instinct but to run and make it to that crag. And just when it feels like the heat is boiling you, Asteris, in your armor and just, singeing the hair on your head, Thea.
Cap:
[1:47:35] My hair.
Crit:
[1:47:36] Oh, is it turning you on?
Dylan:
[1:47:38] The roar happens again and you're ready to roll a dex saving throw.
Crit:
[1:47:44] Oh god, I thought you were going to say initiative and I was just going to like piss.
Cap:
[1:47:47] I was going to be like, no.
Crit:
[1:47:49] No. Actually. I'm not ready for that. Actually, I just die. Oh no.
Cap:
[1:47:57] Oof. Thirteen.
Dylan:
[1:48:01] Okay.
Crit:
[1:48:02] Five.
Dylan:
[1:48:05] Asterisk trips.
Crit:
[1:48:06] Oh no!
Dylan:
[1:48:09] She stumbles and falls. You almost stumbled and fell too. Many, most of the creatures in front of you and around you fell. This last roar seemed to have a weight behind it. Do you stop and try to help her up?
Cap:
[1:48:26] I'm going to grab Asterisk and pull her up.
Dylan:
[1:48:28] Alright, then I need to roll a will save. oh.
Cap:
[1:48:31] Shit um seven.
Dylan:
[1:48:36] Seven yeah all right um you are terrified you want to help her you want to help pick her up um but your legs are betraying you and you are sort of crawling like you don't really have it in you to sprint away uh that's what you're fighting it but you were crawling away, and looking back and like meaningfully and like holding your hand out and everything but you're you're going the other direction uh astro you see this um but here you see thea, uh wanting to help but you feel the fear that she does so roll a will save as well.
Crit:
[1:49:26] 17.
Dylan:
[1:49:27] All right. You understand the fear, but you know that it doesn't truly control you. It feels like fear you've never felt before. But this particular moment, you can pull yourself up and see the fear in the eyes of Thea and know that she wanted to help you. And it's kind of heartwarming. uh you know it's a good feeling but you are swallowing down this fear that's that she has been overcome with and while she was trying to help you and couldn't really do it now it's time for you to get up and help her this.
Cap:
[1:50:11] Is just so true to how our characters are i.
Crit:
[1:50:15] Can't do shit i can carry you mr frodo um yeah i want a guy like scramble up and like run for her to get her back up on her feet so that we can run at speed again get into this crevice.
Dylan:
[1:50:33] All right, Uh, roll an athletics check.
Crit:
[1:50:39] Fuck. Nine.
Dylan:
[1:50:42] You are having a hard time getting up and getting up to speed and pulling her up. You're sort of stumbling and crawling as well. Um, and Thea, you've been staring back and just trying to focus on Astrius, but you've You've seen this massive bronze-colored dragon getting closer and closer at an angle of about 30 degrees.
Cap:
[1:51:13] That's horrifying.
Crit:
[1:51:15] Oh, God. I'm imagining like a... Sorry, you're about to describe it.
Dylan:
[1:51:19] And you see smoke coming out of its nostrils and its wings, great wings, just coming up and coming down. And whenever it comes down, you see all of the trees displace and some of them fall. and you've been trying to keep your focus on Asteris but this has been something you've been seeing as you're looking back, Asteris as you're trying to help her up help Thea up you have actually looked back for the first time and that's what you see.
Crit:
[1:51:55] Oh shit terrifying I'm imagining like if like an airbus were to come crashing down at you.
Dylan:
[1:52:07] Yeah kind of like that it's got its mouth open yeah spooky and it's getting closer um you both can roll in athletics and try to get on your feet get this die.
Crit:
[1:52:25] Give me a different one.
Cap:
[1:52:35] Ma'am I.
Crit:
[1:52:37] Rolled a one.
Cap:
[1:52:39] Oh no, Okay, um, well I rolled an eleven I don't know if that's gonna get us out of this.
Crit:
[1:52:52] We get eaten by that dragon.
Cap:
[1:52:54] Oh.
Crit:
[1:52:55] Oh, we burst into flames Great.
Dylan:
[1:53:01] All right so amazing uh you don't make it to the crag you both in your attempt to help each other up got tangled up in each other's armor and clothes and tripped up and fell down you're both holding each other embracing as the dragon gets closer and closer and it's unreal how large this thing is bigger than any tower that you've seen and that's just the front of its face as it comes up and it rears back to stop its descent and you see the full might of its body chest and wings spread out 100 feet in every direct in either direction.
Cap:
[1:53:50] Fuck why do we suck why.
Crit:
[1:53:53] Do we suck.
Dylan:
[1:53:55] The great dragon beats its wings one last time and then lands on the ground.
Cap:
[1:54:03] Oh, fuck.
Dylan:
[1:54:05] It's a thumping sound and it's... Well, it's not a thumping sound. It's an earth-shattering feeling as it lands essentially over top you. When it landed, it cracked the earth beneath you and...
Cap:
[1:54:20] Oh, God.
Dylan:
[1:54:21] Uh bounced you up a foot off the ground for a minute so you oh.
Crit:
[1:54:26] My god are.
Dylan:
[1:54:28] Uh lying on the cracked earth holding each other as the dragon puts its wings to the side, and then just lowers itself closer and looks down and as the dragon's nose looks down and just starts to get level with you as you can see its eyes uh over the top of its snout, The world kind of kaleidoscopes as the scales on its snout and its body shimmer and shine and it takes a hypnotic quality to it and begins to spiral and change shape and it's blinding at one point. And when the brightness starts to fade from your eyes, you see a woman. She looks like an elf. She has copper-colored hair and eyes like molten bronze with black pinholes in them.
Crit:
[1:55:40] Maddie.
Dylan:
[1:55:41] She wears studded leather armor, brass studs tooled in a way that looks suspiciously like reptilian or dragon scales. and she carries a pair of swords at her belt with tooled scabbards covered in ornate brass accents. I guess it's not so suspicious. Yeah, and she's tall, slender, and she looks different than the elf. Like, she doesn't look like elves that you would imagine. She looks darker complexioned and more arboreal. she um she looks down at both of you the very stern but blank face and an owl, comes flying up and lands on her arm she says so what are you guys doing here.
Crit:
[1:56:45] Okay asterisks peter self a little bit but no one has known because of the chest ethan.
Dylan:
[1:56:50] Rude, Like, for real, why are you over here killing them? Why are you killing them? My kobolds. Why are you doing that? They love me.
Crit:
[1:57:01] I'm so sorry. I thought they were attacking my charge.
Cap:
[1:57:06] I.
Dylan:
[1:57:07] Oh, you were, like, defending yourself from.
Crit:
[1:57:09] Yeah.
Cap:
[1:57:10] Yeah.
Dylan:
[1:57:11] Okay, that's fair.
Cap:
[1:57:13] Thanks.
Dylan:
[1:57:14] I didn't know. You know, I just heard them screaming, and they bring me stuff. Like, it's really cute.
Cap:
[1:57:21] Yeah, I know.
Dylan:
[1:57:22] Uh yeah sorry to you know freak you out here let me help you out and she like holds her hand out and pulls both of you up with one hand wow while you're both still embraced wow.
Cap:
[1:57:36] You're like so strong you're.
Crit:
[1:57:39] Really nice too.
Dylan:
[1:57:40] I'm not always nice but like you know i'm always nice.
Cap:
[1:57:48] Wow thanks sorry sorry for sorry for attacking your your buddies they were gonna throw sticks at us they.
Crit:
[1:57:58] Did throw sticks at us.
Cap:
[1:57:59] They they did throw sticks at a lot of sticks at you.
Dylan:
[1:58:03] Yeah i mean they're mostly harmless yeah that they can't really do much they How did they get you?
Crit:
[1:58:12] Yeah, they got me a little bit.
Dylan:
[1:58:13] That's kind of embarrassing. Sorry.
Crit:
[1:58:16] Yeah. Kind of embarrassed, too.
Dylan:
[1:58:20] Yeah. I mean, there must have been a lot, so... Whatever.
Cap:
[1:58:24] I can heal that up for you later.
Dylan:
[1:58:27] So, like, I don't mind if you guys pass through here or whatever. Try not to kill all my kobolds. Kind of want to know what you're doing, what you're up to.
Cap:
[1:58:40] Like yeah what's going on of course I'm on a, mission of some kind i'm following where this idol is taking me and i pull it from my cleavage.
Dylan:
[1:58:59] Uh she laughs kind of uh very sweetly you know she's a really sweet like he he uh high-pitched voice saccharine um but she takes it and she's like oh you chose the wrong path sorry, this is my domain um but i mean technically he's kind of ruler of like all of it but, yeah if you want to see him uh well you can't really go back the way you came so, um you'll probably have to go through uh the crag where all those kobolds are running i really thought you were gonna make it yeah.
Cap:
[1:59:49] Yeah so you know i thought we were too but man.
Dylan:
[1:59:54] Freaked you out did we.
Cap:
[1:59:55] Not you were very intimidating absolutely terrifying well done.
Dylan:
[2:00:01] Wasn't i yes holy shit yeah I mean go through the crag but, like here hold on and she reaches into her pouch and she pulls out a scale and hands it over to, Thea she's like this is one of my scales um show it to the kobolds and they should let you buy they're not very bright, but if you've got one of my scales it means you're one of my chosen but it doesn't you know to them it does you know what I mean so don't start thinking you know, things yeah no that's.
Cap:
[2:00:49] This is this is more than i could have thought to ask for thank you so much.
Dylan:
[2:00:54] Yeah and i mean like if you if you have to kill a bunch of them it's fine but like you know don't kill them all yeah they've got this whole thing they like you so funny how much money they bring me i don't even that's awesome okay um all right well i'm gonna let you go and it was a pleasure meeting you um hope to see you soon hope.
Cap:
[2:01:21] To see you another time as well.
Dylan:
[2:01:23] And the uh owl uh screeches and takes off and she's like at leal and then she starts to uh shift and uh stretch her body a bit and she's like you might want to move so you guys back up to the crag yeah and she starts um taking up more and more spaces that but like kaleidoscope thing happens in reverse a bit.
Cap:
[2:01:55] Oh, neat.
Dylan:
[2:01:56] But much quicker and less dramatic. And she spreads her great wings and flies away in a giant dust cloud.
Cap:
[2:02:06] Terrifying.
Crit:
[2:02:07] Holy shit.
Cap:
[2:02:08] What the fuck? Oh my God.
Crit:
[2:02:16] So you're popular today i'm.
Cap:
[2:02:20] Not trying to be.
Crit:
[2:02:20] You.
Dylan:
[2:02:21] Guys shake it off a bit kind of stumble into the crag and when you look inside you see a large cavern large large cavern with fungus growing of all types and all colors glowing, spores puffing out of some like underwater creatures. And you can hear just the last vestiges of the kobolds' feet pattering through the caves as they're getting to their little hidey places. But it is vast, and there is light, but very low light. Okay, do we want to stop there?
Cap:
[2:03:11] Uh, yeah, probably.
Crit:
[2:03:13] Yeah, that feels good to me.
ReCap:
[2:03:15] Oh, well, that was terrifying for a minute. Whew, thanks for listening through our foreplay series, and I really hope you enjoyed the character building. We've left the starter area, and we're off on our adventure. venture. Episode one is out now for you to continue following our foolishness. If you're enjoying the podcast, we'd love it if you could tell your sexiest sexy friends about us. Reading and subscribing also helps us out a lot. Well, I'll see you at the end of the beginning.